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Moving on (again)
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So guys, still here, still hurting. It's a good few months now. How does one put it all behind them? Time is the best healer, I know this from experience, but I'm beginning to think I need positive action as well, because nothings happening for my heart really.
edit: I thought today how it all reminded me of when my dad died. So tragic, and it hurts, and I cant stop wishing somehow I could go back in time and fix it.
edit: I thought today how it all reminded me of when my dad died. So tragic, and it hurts, and I cant stop wishing somehow I could go back in time and fix it.
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Hmm keeping yourself busy helps for the time that your busy .. its the moments when your alone that is the worst. Really do just think it takes ages for it go.
...I don't think she realises how much she helps haha. I am definately not going to do anything about it, our casual acquaintence is really nice and I couldn't commit, or even commit to being friend-zoned or couplised. At the moment there are no lines drawn and it's great.
But still, the pain is there and the regret. I did nothing wrong, but I still regret that she never told me the truth. I coerced a complete confession out of the lad. He's suffering now, and so is she, but so am I.
I know it's taught me to never have an affair because it causes so much destruction. Not that we were married... but we had a serious relationship. I keep thinking.... we had such a good relationship (apart from the cheating) - I've read about dealing with cheating and they say it normally comes because you're stuck in a rut. But in this case it was because the other guy wouldn't leave her alone with his flattery. I still can't bring myself to blame her.
She spoke to me yesterday and upset me, I cant remember what about, I think I just remembered everything, then I went out and got way too drunk and have suffered for it all of today. Nice night though, and did get a hug from M.
I hope my life starts to rebuild itself soon. I wish there was someway it could be with her though. This might - will - sound clichéd but we were made for each other.
:banghead:
I think no contact whatsoever for as long as it takes is best. Its what I'm doing now until feb, and even though its only been like 3 weeks, I'm feeling better than I would have if we had kept contact.
You should try move into something with M. At least even as friends, its a distraction for you.
I believe that me and Rich were made for eachother too, just too young, too serious for him. So I'm missing him, and the familiarity of having someone there. I'm going to become friends with one of my friends friends and we might go out when I'm ready. As they say "best way to get over someone is to get under another"
You two might be together again, but right now, you are the most important person in your life, not her. So cut contact and persue something with M.
Having a distraction will help you... well, be distracted.
It could be nice to go out for a drink with her sometime. I don't know though. I need to work out how to get over my first love. Will I ever stop thinking 'we would have been together forever'? Or will it be a constant regret that yes, I did meet someone who could have been my 'soul-mate' if you want to call it that, my partner for the rest of my life, but she threw it all away by mistake.
my point being that it can take a while - me and my ex decided we wanted to stay friends and so far we have done. i'd say it's made it harder me getting over him though but we got there in the end. i think.
give it time, you'll soon be busier with uni etc and making more friends and you won't have time to think about it.
I wouldn't be so hesitant except I'm worried I can't get over her betrayal, though when we spend time together it doens't crop up much, we just tend to not talk about everything and just enjoy each others company. I know people say exes are exes for a reason, which is fair enough, but I would rather do what is really the best thing for both of us than go by quirky bits of advice. I'm 110% confident if I said I wanted a relationship with her again, she'd jump at the chance. And I do want to rebuild something, but I don't know if it's possible, and maybe it's better to just say 'when it was good it was fantastic, but it's gone now'.
We split up over a mistake, one that still hurts us both, but surely we learn from our mistakes?
Mate, I don't really know your full story, but it sounds a bit like your kidding yourself here. I was once involved with a girl who cheated and I forgave her. She took that as a green light to do it again and again, and it seriously fucked me up. Sounds to me like you need to get over this girl by cutting all contact...
been there, done that, got fucked over a second time, and this time it REALLY will take ages to heal....
and I mean ages
First of all, with regard to her previous cheating... yes, people in relationships do sometimes develop feelings for other people but if she had really cared about you and valued your relationship (and YOU) she'd have kept away from the other lad and focused on her relationship with you. I have no doubt she is feeling bad and regretting it now but this is not your problem. She made her bed of nails, you certainly don't have to lie on it together.
In terms of getting back together, I don't think you'll ever be able to fully trust her and that's the fundamental basis of any relationship. Even if she regains your trust to an extent it is going to impact on the quality of your relationship anyway and who needs a compromised relationship? I also think this is knocking your self-esteem big time. It's not to say you can't have some kind of relationship with her, heck maybe down the line you could give things another shot. But right now you'd be going back to this relationship for all the wrong reasons - feeling lonely, down, missing what you had and feeling anxiety about never finding it again. Plus, forgiving her and taking her back so very easily is giving a bad message out about what you feel you are worthy of. Look in the mirror and place some value on yourself, because you're worth a lot more than the way she treated you over a sustained period of time. There is no rush to make a decision about a reconciliation, if she feels the same way that the two of you are meant to be. If that is so, she will wait until you have had time to be yourself without her again, and then decide.
It's very, very hard when you love someone. Even harder when it's a first love. Don't think I'm having a go, because I have been there with a cheating partner and done that with regard to taking them back. I took my cheating ex back on more than one occasion -- you could say I'm a slow learner
You've done well so far. You've made a break to a new place, are surrounding yourself with friends and having fun. I think it would be a shame to negate all that hard work you've put it, for the sake of the sadness you're feeling.
As for 'M', you don't have to take any action there. Just go with it, maybe something will happen or maybe you'll just continue to share smiles and life-affirming little hugs. You have all the time in the world, just be good to yourself and take things as they come
But you're so right, there's all the time in the world. No rush
You've made me feel quite good actually. Thanks xx
Of course it's up to you mate, and I suppose I don't know her or the whole of the situation so it would be unfair of me to make judgements, BUT...
I'm just warning you to tread carefully as I did exactly the same thing as you're planning on doing because I was constantly thinking of all our good memories and how happy I was and how distraught I was after she cheated on me and we broke up, and as soon as she didn't have any luck elsewhere she came running back to me with some bullshit stories, and I welcomed her back with open eyes. It was the easy way out of all the pain just to have all the happiness I once had back...or so I thought. It wasn't the same, I didn't trust her, things were different and awkward and a couple of weeks later she left me for someone else (probably who she cheated on me with and wanted to get with from the start). I felt betrayed, humiliated and fucked over, and it took a hell of alot longer to get over it.
Mind you, the situation is incredibly complex in a way. The guy she cheated on me with, I'm concerned about and so is she because he's gone pretty much suicidal now. I tell him to pull his life together because I've been there - people on here who've been here a loooooongggggg time know that I was really unhappy years ago - but I pulled myself out of it.
I do value myself, which is why I'm jumping in head first, I'm considering my options, but I can't just say 'no you cheated the end', it's not how I work. But taking time, taking things slow might work. If we're meant to be maybe we'll get closer and closer and then things will begin again. If we're not, then we'll drift apart.
You might not believe this but... I received a bouquet of roses today from her. Delivered and everything. They're quite beautiful. Of course she can't buy me back, she can't fix what she's done wrong, but regardless, it's always nice to know someone is thinking of you.
At times I think she'll never ever do it again after this, but then I think - I caught her out once and then she DID do it again and then I broke it off with her. It was the same guy, I trusted her not to do it again, let her go round his house and all sorts. I think maybe I'm too trusting, but I'm an idealist, and if a woman wants to be with me she has to be deserving of my full trust, I won't be in a half relationship where I have to check their emails and their texts.
The lies I believed were atrocious, but what happened happened and nobody can change that now. Where I stand now, is at York University, missing too many of my lectures because I'm either a) drunk b) hungover c) doing assignments (although trying to do difference equations when you cant READ because your eyesight is that fuzzy isnt something I recommend), and enjoying myself by and large up here. I've got involved with one of the societies and am making some good friends there, one of them picked me up in the nightclub after I fell over
Her position is that she has guys she doesn't fancy pining for her, her friends have turned against her (they're nice to her face, but I have my sources and know they hate her guts, sons of bitches, you should stick by your friends even if they are dirty cheats heh), and she's trying to pick up her grades to go to university (omgosh guess which one
Just wish one day the pain would go away. And maybe this girl and me could make things right again, make things how they should have been in the first place. It's nice to have the luxury of time, however. Perhaps for my own vanity, I may have to sleep with at least one person
Of course the real world isn't like that
If someone can make me an offer I can take seriously maybe they can break me :angel:
It's my pleasure, mate. Seriously, it's so easy (and tempting) to tell you to punt her as hard and far as you possibly could. BUT it's possible you may well not be able to take that attitude towards her (at this point) despite all that's happened, so it's important to look at it from all angles.
Basically no one can tell you what to feel or how to act on your feelings. We could advise you by drawing both on our objectivity and our own personal experiences, but you become the person you're meant to be through the mistakes you make -- and the way you deal with them. Just be wary, whichever route you do go down and you decide is right for you (both with your ex and the new girl, and any others who might come along) just make sure you do it with your eyes wide open and taking the things that people say with a large pinch of salt. Actions speak far louder than words, that's one old cliche I have found to be an absolute truth, especially in relationships.
You seem like a lovely, genuine bloke. It'll come good for you I'm sure, just make sure you get everything you're deserving of :thumb:
:flirt:
I know what you mean. To an extent, I'm in a similar situation to you with the first love, first sex everything (not the cheating, but suddenly him falling out of love with me and not wanting this to be the only relationship he'll ever have) ... and the thought of him doing it some day with some other girl makes me sick. Its OUR thing.
We cant say to you that the pain will go away in ______ amount of time, because after the initial reaction of a few weeks of pain, its up to you how much longer this pain will last. And until you make a decision, the pain will still be there.
I, like you, hope that we can be together again when we become friends. If not soon, then later after a few failed relationships.
You have to think of it as "am I just doing this to make me happy? whats better in the long run?"
Though, a bit rich from me as being friends probably wont be best in the long run, but we have to try it out, and in my desperation, the thought that if we're friends, theres a higher chance of being back together than if we werent.
Yet on the other side of "am I just doing this to make me happy? whats better in the long run?" I wanted and wanted the ring back that he gave me for our 1 year, just to make me feel better. I still want it back now (mum has it), but not as much, because it would just make me feel happy, and make me feel like I still have him. Just like i want to know if he's still wearing his as he said he would... but as I dont know what he's doing or anything...
(sorry ranting)
So if you take her back, it is uncertain if you will feel the same, whether or not she will do it again and everything. Do you really want to take her back and have no trust? Then again, have her back and that be it forever. I know that huge battle you have inside you.
So take as long as you need. Cut her out and in ____ amount of months, see if you still feel the same. There is someone else out there for you, and even though you think she is the one now, she might not be. Someone else out there might be, but you will never know until you give other people a chance. (I'm so terrible at taking my own advice
No matter how much advice people give you, and no matter how many people have been in situations like this, everyone is different, and, although taking advice onboard, we have to learn from out mistakes and experiences, and I hope that all comes well for you
PM me if you need to talk xoxo
We are all here for you