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Trust me I'm not a doormat, but if you're not in the situation it's easy to assume that it's all bad, all the time - it's not. Most of the time we get on really well, have fun and everything like that. It's just once or twice a week we argue.
That's what's confusing me.
He used to ask me to keep quiet when she was on the phone but last week, he called me over when he was talking to her, so she heard him call my name. Then he saw her in town and pointed her out to me (before then it always seemed like he didn't want me to see or meet her). Then a couple of days ago, she got on the bus he was driving. I was sitting on the seat behind the driver's seat and she asked if I was the girlfriend - and Phil said that I was. It doesn't seem like much but it made a difference because before, it always seemed like Wendy was some big secret. I wasn't allowed to meet her or see her, and Wendy made it clear to Phil that she doesn't like my name being mentioned, so he didn't do it. If he did, she'd hang up the phone on him or not contact him for a few days :rolleyes:
So yeah there are changes, and I am happy...but then I found those texts, and that's what's confused me.
They're the only 2 texts he hasn't shown me - he usually shows me every message he sends and receives (including flirty ones she's sent him) then deletes them. So why leave 2 very incriminating ones on his phone? Unless he's trying to give me a hint and hoping I'll leave him.
When I said that to him yesterday though, he told me not to be so negative and said he'd see me monday.
The thing is, he's told me before that he finds it really hard to show his feelings - so if I say I want to finish it, he'll always say "well do it then, if it's what you want". If I ask him if it's what he wants me to do, he'll say of course not and that he loves me.
He does occasionally have a heart to heart with me and let me in on the way his mind works; like he said the other day that when he gets close to someone, he'll start pushing them away and trying to put them off him, but he doesn't know why. They'll stay with him for so long then they "always" end up getting sick of it and leaving him. Then he regrets it, but he can't tell them because he's too stubborn.
You simply deserve a better guy. Stop wasting your time with him.
It's clear you both want different things. And who the hell would turn down sleeping in the same bed with your partner, and instead sleep on the sofa? He got issssssues.
There HAVE BEEN changes recently! It's all getting good. He will sell his sofa and wendy will die of the bubonic plague. He will change and there won't be any issues anymore until judgement day!
Can't stand the negativity in here...
Look, I know I'm coming across like I'm looking at the relationship through rose coloured glasses, but I'm really not. I am taking in what you guys are saying, and deep down I know that however much I want the relationship to work, it probably won't. Even if I did get back with him, I wouldn't be able to trust him.
The only reason I'm trying to look at the positive as well as the negatives is because I know I haven't been totally innocent in the relationship - I have a slight impulsive violent streak - so far when he's pissed me off I've slapped him, thrown a cup of (hot) tea over him and kicked him in the thigh while wearing stilletto-heeled boots (that was a week ago and there's still a big fuck-off graze/heel mark and a huge bruise on his leg). I DO try and wind him up by talking with other men - for example if we're in the pub, I'll talk to his friends just out of earshot of him, so he can't hear what we're saying. It's nothing bad but I make it look like I'm flirting to wind him up. And, I'll keep bringing Wendy into arguments by saying stuff like "off to fuck her?" when he walks away after a row. To give him his dues, he's never done anything like that and he's never used my bad behaviour against me, which is something I do all the time.
So it's not all him in that sense - ok he sleeps on the sofa most nights which is weird, but he has genuinely always done it - even when he was younger and lived with his mum (I've asked her). And he's happy to tell the cat and my pet rats that he loves them but finds it hard to tell me. Oh, and he's overly attached to Wendy - but something in my gut says that they're not sleeping together. Even Wendy's said it herself, and she had no reason to as she thought we'd split up when I asked her!
The other day, Phil told his workmate that he's not just sexually attracted to Wendy at all, whereas he is to me. I asked him if that was the problem; maybe he doesnt have as strong feelings for me but fancies me, whereas he doesn't find wendy attractive but has very strong feelings for her.
He said that wasn't true; he has feelings for Wendy but they're friendly feelings, completely different to the ones he has for me. Then he said he could tell I thought that would change, and that he'd develop feelings for Wendy even though he doesn't fancy her, and he said he just doesn't work like that - if there aren't sexual feelings there and he has no desire to sleep with someone, he won't ever want to be with them because he can't just develop feelings like that. It's either there or it isn't.
But obviously he could be talking bollocks :rolleyes:
Well it is a very comfy sofa
Seriously though, it is weird. But he says he's always done it, even with pervious partners. I said I couldn't believe his last girlfriend (who was 18) would be happy hardly ever sharing a bed with him, but he said she didn't mind.
It doesn't bother me too much in the grand scheme of things; he'll come upstairs a few nights a week (although obviously we'll have sex more often than that!) and I spend nights on the sofa with him, which is actually quite nice. All squished together and cosy. He says the reason he doesn't come upstairs much is because he gets home from work at quarter to one in the morning and will watch tv until about 4am. He'll usually fall asleep on the sofa and says that when he wakes up at 5-6am he can't be bothered to drag himself upstairs. I'll be in bed way before then anyway - and he does come upstairs more often than once or twice a week if he gets to put the tv on in the bedroom
Jesus, I know. All in two months?! Slapping, tea throwing, and kicking?! Sleeping seperately, secret texts, another woman..!?
Dear Deidre would love all this.
Like I said 483902 threads of your ago, Alasia..this is meant to be your honeymoon period and you guys are at each others' throats because there's a lack of trust.
I would head for the hills ASAP and stop making excuses and trying to force it to work when it clearly won't.
I do see your point though, although we do get on really well most of the time, I guess I can't keep just focusing on the good bits of the relationship and hoping the crap will go away.
Although I'm convinced the reason it's all been so intense is because we've spent so much time together - I mean seriously, 1 week away from each other (in total) in 8 weeks can't be good.
Maybe if we did give it another go, we'd have to cut back on the amount of time we see each other?
It's not meant to be this hard so soon. And I was in the MOST difficult relationship known to man in my circle of friends that I broke free from in January. I'm happier now than throughout the two years I was with him, and I'm still single with a few notches on the bed post and closer to my friends than I ever have been.
I left him because the lack of trust and complications eats away at the time you're supposed to be growing together and doing stupid loved up nonsense with, and this is happening 2 months in. 2 MONTHS!
The way I always see things is that if it's meant to be you don't question it, have others dissect it etc and you just GO FOR IT. No one should sway your thoughts if it's a good thing to be involved in.
And as an outsider, this really isn't.
u ask for opinions, we give them, u make silly little excuses for him?
whatever we say YOU have answer for, so whats the point?
The point of an advice forum IMO is to get opinions, think them over and then make your own decision based on a combination of your gut feeling, and the advice you've been given.
I am taking it all in, honestly I am - but I get the feeling you're all imagining that all me and Phil do is fight and argue, that Phil's out with Wendy constantly while I'm at home being a good little girlfriend and cooking dinner, then he comes home and we go to our seperate beds! Lol. It's not like that at all.
With all due respect (and I know it sounds like a cop-out); you're not in the relationship, I am. 90% of the time, it's great. It's just the 10% that needs work and what I'm trying to do is work out whether I'm blowing the situation out of proportion a bit and making it seem worse than it is, or whether the relationship really is a lost cause.
I'm not making excuses for him, or for me. Just trying to sort my head out
what's with all the 'i love you too' texts and her having a strop when he mentions you?
him getting jealous/picking fights etc
and you've only been together 2 months? Just because there are good points doesn't always mean it's worth it. And if it's already this difficult - it probably isn't worth it.
I really do think he'd rather be with her but hasn't got the balls to. Sorry to be harsh.
I know Wendy's got feelings for him - she's admitted that to me.
I think there's a touch of manipulation on her part; she'll hang up the phone whenever she hears me in the background or he mentions me, she'll be nice to my face then phone him later on when she knows he'll be on his own and say something like "bit young for you, isn't she?", she'll get him running around after her but deliberately make it awkward for him (for example, making a drink or something to eat when she knows he's on his way to pick her up) - but just when he's thinking that she might be messing him around, she'll phone and say "I know your friends think I'm messing you around...but I'm not really. I do care for you...etc". I KNOW she's trying to split us up, but he says he can't see it.
I've had a chat with my best friend over this and she said that in her opinion, Phil's 'too nice' - he's going out of his way to help wendy out because he doesn't want to let her down (she hasnt really got anyone else), and because he's formed a strong bond with her. She says he also seems quite insecure about himself (I agree), so the idea of having 2 women 'in love' with him (even if one of them isnt genuine) is attractive to him. However, she believes him when he says he isn't interested in wendy in that way.
I really don't know what to think.
ETA: What I don't get, is I've given him the opportunity to be with her - whenever I've said it's over and I can't do it anymore, he's said "if it's what you want...but I still won't want to be with Wendy". I've also given him so many chances to finish it - I keep saying, if you'd prefer to be with wendy, or think you'll be better together than me and you, then I'll walk away.
I've even said it through text, so all he had to do was text back and say "ok", and it'd be done! But he doesn't do it - why?! It can't be a lack of balls, because I've laid it oout there on a plate for him.
The thing is, despite everything I've never really thought that I don't want to be with him.
I can see us being together for the forseeable future, and the only thing that's getting to me at the moment is those 2 texts. My gut instinct is to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him when he says that he was just telling her what he wants to hear, but at the back of my mind is the 'what if' factor - what if I trusted him and it turns out there was something going on all along? I'd look stupid.
It's more of a pride thing really.
The few petty squabbles we have and the jealousy (and the sleeping on the sofa a few times a week) really don't bother me.
Who gives a fuck?
xsazx - I don't think you're getting what I'm saying - it's not that I 'don't want' the advice, I am taking it on board - it's just that I'm an analysing kind of person, so "he's a dickhead, dump him" isn't really helping me.
I'm trying to work out why he's like it, and if it's something that could be changed, or at least bent slightly! It's not about being stubborn and completely ignoring the advice I'm being given.
They're seriously screwing with each others minds and yours.
But it must be what you want if you're not going to leave him
That's the bit that's grating to be honest, the part I can't get past.
he's leading her on
if it's getting at you then do you trust him?
I trust him to an extent, but I'll still be trying to eavesdrop on his phone conversations with Wendy and checking his phone for dodgy texts while he's asleep. So no, I don't trust him. But do you blame me?
Btw whenever I say "you told another woman you love her", he says "but I do love being with her!" It's like he can't see the difference between writing 'love' and 'love being with'.
And he is consistent - everything he's said, he's said everytime I've asked, there've been no changes of story or stumbling on his words, as soon as I ask him he'll come straight out with the answer, so either he's a very good liar, or he's telling the truth and just genuinely doesn't think of the consequences of his actions!
I've told him before that he's leading her on and he didn't deny it, he just nodded and when I asked why, he said he didn't know, but he wasn't interested in her in that way.
Part of me wonders whether it could just be the insecurity - he considers himself old and not that good looking (neither of which are true IMO) and is always putting himself down - plus he's been single for over 16 months, so maybe the idea of having 2 women 'fighting over him' is a novelty. I've said this to him too and he said "maybe".
Last time I asked him to stop leading Wendy on if he's genuinely not interested and tell her that he's not interested in that way, he said he couldn't because he didn't want to lose her as a friend.
It's hard to explain, but there is a kind of naivety and innocence about him. He's got absolutely no tact, so he'll say stupid things without thinking (like the time he told his mum I'd shaved my pubic hair and it was growing back very slowly...so it was like "humping a hedgehog"! He didnt realise what he'd said til I went bright red, then he turned red too and apologised). It's this innocent qualilty that makes me think that he could possibly be telling the truth.
Or it could all be an act.
so he's leading her on and enjoying the drama, and uses the excuse of 'losing her as a friend' to stop leading her on? :eek2:
ffs get rid of him, he's relying on you giving him the benefit of the doubt and being naive by not giving you straight answers
You know, I'm starting to think I should just get over it. Give it another go, put my trust in him and not read his messages, becayuse at the end of the day if he's going to cheat, he'll cheat anyway. Not like I can stop it happening.
*awaits a chorus of I told you so, she's an idiot"*