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How much affection in a relationship?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hiya...I was wondering what the 'normal' level of affection is in a relationship. I realise everyone is different and there's not really such a thing as 'normal', but for the purposes of this post, please try and humour me! lol.
I'm used to quite a lot of affection in relationships - my last bf was too touchy-feely (IMO) - always hugging me, holding my hand etc., so I'm kind of used to that now.
Now I'm with my current boyfriend, I get barely any affectionate behaviour from him - we've only been together for 8 weeks but I've spent almost every day/night at his place (I'm practically moved in), so I guess it feels more like we've been together for a couple of years. I'm naturally quite tactile, but I'm trying to hold it back because he's said he's not like that - but there's a limit!
He won't sleep upstairs with me because he says he prefers to sleep on the sofa (which I hate - I don't see the point in me staying over if I have to either sleep in the bed alone or squish up on the sofa with him every night!), he won't really cuddle me during the day, apart from occasionally holding my hand if we're out walking round town, or come and kiss/press up against me if we're in the house (but that's more of a lust/sex thing, not really affection!), and he'll put his arm round my waist for a few seconds or squeeze my thigh once in a while if we're out somewhere.
Is this normal, or am I being (as he says) 'too clingy'?
I'm used to quite a lot of affection in relationships - my last bf was too touchy-feely (IMO) - always hugging me, holding my hand etc., so I'm kind of used to that now.
Now I'm with my current boyfriend, I get barely any affectionate behaviour from him - we've only been together for 8 weeks but I've spent almost every day/night at his place (I'm practically moved in), so I guess it feels more like we've been together for a couple of years. I'm naturally quite tactile, but I'm trying to hold it back because he's said he's not like that - but there's a limit!
He won't sleep upstairs with me because he says he prefers to sleep on the sofa (which I hate - I don't see the point in me staying over if I have to either sleep in the bed alone or squish up on the sofa with him every night!), he won't really cuddle me during the day, apart from occasionally holding my hand if we're out walking round town, or come and kiss/press up against me if we're in the house (but that's more of a lust/sex thing, not really affection!), and he'll put his arm round my waist for a few seconds or squeeze my thigh once in a while if we're out somewhere.
Is this normal, or am I being (as he says) 'too clingy'?
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I'd understand most of it, but who the hell would rather sleep on the sofa than in the bed? Lord.
my mummy said if i don't have anything productive to say I better say nowt at all.
I don't want to be destructive, but every week you got a new issue with your boyfriend. I know you love him etc... I think you should really re-consider your relationship. Nothing wrong with an older partner, but you see where this is leading. He is in settle down, sex at birthday and christmas age, you are - still - in an exploring age.
you are tripping head over heels into something...
2nd that.
If you want touchy feely come to surrey!!
lol, well I agree that if you want touchy feely then there are plenty of guys out there who want the same *puts hand up* and if this is a major loss for you then you need to think about whether this guy is right for you.
It does seem like you're in two different places at the moment and want different things from the relationship.
Oh and about sleeping on the sofa - apparently he's always done it. In his last relationship he slept on the sofa all the time. I asked how they ever had sex and he said he'd go up to her or she'd come down to him, then they'd cuddle for a bit and go back to their respective rooms. OMG!
what are you doing? is this what you really want from a relationship? i presume the other issue never got sorted then.
as for the sleeping on the sofa..weirdo! :chin:
Lipsy - nope, it got sorted for a bit when he decided he was going to do as I asked and not contact her, ignore most of her calls and turn her down when she asked for a lift - and we got on great. But this morning I found texts saying "I luv u2 and miss u when you're not here, believe it or not" and "really soon I hope, like u say the balls in my court. I hate what I'm doing". I confronted him and he said it didnt mean anything, then I texted her on impulse and asked what was going on, and she said the same as him - that they're good friends. She has very strong feelings for him but they havent slept together. And the "I hate what I'm doing" was apparently about me and the way we keep arguing.
So... *shrugs*
no offence, but from all you're other threads, it sounds like you're being used big time. It seems all you are is a pretty young thing for him to have sex with when he feels like it, and has an older woman for the support.
Seriously, this guy is selfish. Get rid.
what advice would you give to a friend if she told you all of this?
he loves her, he misses her and he wants to see her. that is obvious from those texts. you are being played for a fool. but i dont think you'll realise this until you get really hurt
Even the fact she backed him up (when there's no way he could have told her to say it, as he didnt think I'd actually text her) didn't convince me he's telling the truth. I texted him about an hour ago saying I can't be with him - unless he makes real changes and gets rid of wendy.
He was adamant that he just cares about her as a friend and couldn't imagine doing anything with her, whereas he does have "very strong feelings, more than you know" for me.
But I'm sure it's all bull.
WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING?
You are reading his texts, they are super suspicious and YOU CONFRONT HIM ABOUT IT! fuck... if a girl is reading my texts, she better be prepared. So you can imagine how he thinks of you. You distrust him, harm his private sphere, move into his house after a few days, overtake his life. he is overwhelmed. how do you think this will work out? everything settles and you be a happy couple?
You can't honestly believe he loves you, with all that. I mean, I don't believe in the "abusing" you story, because he might be out of that age, sounds like he is just too much of a sissy to tell you, that you're dumped.
Do you actually know what you are telling us? Do you understand the absolute twistedness about this ordeal? Sorry to be so negative, but.... there isn't just any positivity at all in this shit-typhoon.
break up. now!
And it's MY fault?!
Explain please.
but your fault for staying with him, you've make threads every 2 weeks and you've only been together 2 months - seriously, step back and take a look.
He had the perfect opportunity to just say yes, you're right. Let's end it. But he didn't, which pisses me off. I know I should finish it and I have no idea why I don't. Probably because I know that will be it - even if he realised he did love me and cuts the other woman out of his life, he wouldn't admit it cos he's stubborn like that. I'll just see how we both feel in a few days.
I know I'm coming across as a sap who's unable to function on her own, so she stays in a crappy relationship thats making her miserable, but it's not like that at all.
I'll turn my phone off, give it a few days and then see how I feel. If it's the same as now, it's over.
Then he said Wendy hasn't been in touch and he's not interested - he doesn't care whether she gets back in touch or not. I told him that he's said that before, then changed his mind a couple of hours later and he said "yeah, then she gets in touch". Didn't really understand that :eek2:
To be fair to him, it's always Wendy that gets in touch with him first, not the other way around. So maybe it's that he wouldn't be too fussed if she didn't contact him again, but when she does he's not going to ignore her, because she's a friend?
I don't know...I'm so confused, I really do love him so my instinct is to believe him and give things another go (with a few rules and boundaries in place!), but I know everyone else would tell me to grow a spine and get rid.
If anyone can give a bit more advice it'd be appreciated!
get rid of him, you deserve better and that is not how a good relationship should be.
i bet they both laugh about u behind your back
get out of the relationship