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where is god
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
if there's a god, he's looking out for me. he'll be keen on seeing how you see yourself in relation to me. the one thing people are good at is being themselves. when i'm me i'm happy. when im alex i'm all things i see so much with these great eyes. i fall out laughing when i'm high and shake away evil with my bafenjoloos. but there comes a time when i can't get this right any more. i'm fixed in a state of mind that wont shift mostly due pressure of getting it 100% right in what i see as a world full of people who never got it right. there's some gene in me that makes me care how people see me. i don't want to intrude and show ppl up to be incapable, incompetent humans. but the way ppl see me now just perpetuates my negative views on human nature.
i guess i'd like to be braver and contemplate suicide but death would fuck it up for everone. if there's a god he'll be looking out for me. else he should strike me down because recently i've felt zealous and without restraint on things. why the fuck shouldn't i defend myself against murderers. i have huge mental strength mostly manifest in unseen abilities to get on with people in huge numbers. i don't suit unemployed, alone and without sucess. i couldn't be any lower on the ladder of social status. jobs don't mean much but voices do. my voice could feel more ha normal than anything. i'm saying wind fire, fan or enemy will totally get me and i have to pull out of this unnatural feeling i have in my eyes and voice. i'm totally comitted to this way of life and well i don't have to proove anything. i've helped everything grow. i was just searching for a good feeling and i found one that led me down the paths of world fame to attempted murder, abusive pokey outey evil eyes that lusted after my death. i held hands with nobody along the way and no-body ever cut it with me.
you don't want to mess with me, you want to like me x=y.
gotta run have an appointment with someone.
i guess i'd like to be braver and contemplate suicide but death would fuck it up for everone. if there's a god he'll be looking out for me. else he should strike me down because recently i've felt zealous and without restraint on things. why the fuck shouldn't i defend myself against murderers. i have huge mental strength mostly manifest in unseen abilities to get on with people in huge numbers. i don't suit unemployed, alone and without sucess. i couldn't be any lower on the ladder of social status. jobs don't mean much but voices do. my voice could feel more ha normal than anything. i'm saying wind fire, fan or enemy will totally get me and i have to pull out of this unnatural feeling i have in my eyes and voice. i'm totally comitted to this way of life and well i don't have to proove anything. i've helped everything grow. i was just searching for a good feeling and i found one that led me down the paths of world fame to attempted murder, abusive pokey outey evil eyes that lusted after my death. i held hands with nobody along the way and no-body ever cut it with me.
you don't want to mess with me, you want to like me x=y.
gotta run have an appointment with someone.
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Comments
Give up relying on a god... you can only trust yourself in this world.
i'll be ok as soon as i leave the puke look behind and get my outlook on life sorted.
it was briefly mentioned in 6th form college, the idea was astounding to some, but it rang bells with me especially as i was probably one of 2 ppl in that small classroom shagging at the time. the idea was that 'men are rapists' by heart. in those same lessons i counjoured up my own impression of rape. rape signified a 1. man 2. a woman.
that man could take several courses of action, that woman would respond and (like the best do,) take her own course of action based on her experiences and feelings at the time.
rape occured when a man went beyond the woman's natural senses and could be said to have 'taken advantage'. at 17 i was concerned phsyically that i hadn't won my current squeeze's consent and participation. it was unsatisfactory. what i was getting at in a jokey way but couldn't explain at the time was that i wasn't mating, there was very little initiation, almost no desire. it's suprising she wanted sex with me at all and - i wouldn't have pushed her if she had said no but it would have opened my eyes just - to - what - was expected of me. feelings you see i lack when you look at me nowadays. i know i have excellent parents. i don't need to read minds, i did a lot of personal 'growth' on my own at uni i started to notice how people would in and out with eachother all the time how groups work and i could sit back privately in the kitchen while others were out. i'd smile to myself about how much i cared about those people, the people who tried who the people who could be so carefree as to go out, try, fail or suceed. i was one of those people too but i had my own game plan based on experiences from adolesence. and it's these experiences i bear to my psychologist momentarily.
i know what i have is great. i hate to sound derogatory of any body because there is hope for everyone and everyone will feel the benefit of 1. but people who did not engage in this motion meant very little. they wern't me. now i am one of those people, and realise just what it is ive been getting away from in my mind for so many years. whatever the cause, you must put it right and attribute responsibility to no-one else but yourself. i started not to play those games and as said, i felt above it, that in my eternal kindness and natural charisma and goodlooks i could just make ppl happy and give them confidence to be open with me. i didn't like not being thought of as sexual but i made no moves to initiate. the most open expression of my humanity has been post-sex where i can get instantly lazy.
violence is not a componant of the english criminal law on rape but i didn't need violence, i obtained consent through sheer luck and looks. i have never come to terms with male sexuality.
i suppose im using thesite as half a blog. i have been unemployed for some time now and been in self-destruction mode. thesite seems to bear day by day decline.
somebody private mailed me and offered me a lifeline which i will do my best to follow up. apologies and i'll try to keep things discreet. but i'm greatful to have thesite so please don't ban me for waffling!
depression and self harm thread is my next point of call. i'm getting worse really , more destructive. ok wel onwards
nope not gay. just slightly uncofortable with my image as a man. last few days have seen me get over that though i'm gonna come to terms with it sooner enough. women are great great great so worth making changes 4. got to sort myself out and get back in good company.
when i piece my mind and voice together i'll have a great time. but i'll have to work just as hard i'm sure. this is the product of a long tough life so enjoy what i've learnt.