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why am i like this?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Why do my instincts strongly stop me from participating in social activities?
I want to go out and have fun, i want to meet new people.
But as soon as a prospect comes up, i cant go through with it.
For instance, today i was invited bowling with my boyfriend and a load of his friends. I like bowling, i said i would go, but 15 minutes before i was due to meet everyone i backed out and had to txt my excuses.
Another example, i have the oppurtunity to see my favourite band next month with my boyfriend and my friend. I would love to see them, and i would probably go if it was just me and my friend, but i just cant go knowing my boyfriend will be there.
WHY!?? I like my boyfriend, i like spending time with him, i like us having fun together and i'd love us to go see the band together, but i cant bring myself to go, the thought panicks me.
Im dreading this weekend, because my housemates have friends staying, and we are all supposed to be going out together. Im shitting myself, i just cant go.
Whats wrong with me? I just dont understand why i cant do things when i want to so much. I never used to be like this, i used to love pubbing, clubbing, going to gigs, i used to be outgoing with new people, up to the age of about 17.
I just dont understand what has changed.
And forcing myself to go places doesnt work. I tried it the other week and i ended up hating the evening, feeling self concious, not knowing what to say, and generally looking scared.
I admit i have extreme self esteem issues, low self confidence and i basically dislike myself. But i still want to go out and have fun with new people and my boyfriend.
I dont have a problem with social situations if it involves my well established friends that ive known for about 15 years, and when im out with them i even manage to be fine if theres anyone new in the group, i can be quite outgoing and chat to them, make them feel welcome. But when it comes to the same scenario with the boyfriend, i just seem to clam up, not say anything and i want to get mysefl out of the situation asap, or hide.
I want to go out and have fun, i want to meet new people.
But as soon as a prospect comes up, i cant go through with it.
For instance, today i was invited bowling with my boyfriend and a load of his friends. I like bowling, i said i would go, but 15 minutes before i was due to meet everyone i backed out and had to txt my excuses.
Another example, i have the oppurtunity to see my favourite band next month with my boyfriend and my friend. I would love to see them, and i would probably go if it was just me and my friend, but i just cant go knowing my boyfriend will be there.
WHY!?? I like my boyfriend, i like spending time with him, i like us having fun together and i'd love us to go see the band together, but i cant bring myself to go, the thought panicks me.
Im dreading this weekend, because my housemates have friends staying, and we are all supposed to be going out together. Im shitting myself, i just cant go.
Whats wrong with me? I just dont understand why i cant do things when i want to so much. I never used to be like this, i used to love pubbing, clubbing, going to gigs, i used to be outgoing with new people, up to the age of about 17.
I just dont understand what has changed.
And forcing myself to go places doesnt work. I tried it the other week and i ended up hating the evening, feeling self concious, not knowing what to say, and generally looking scared.
I admit i have extreme self esteem issues, low self confidence and i basically dislike myself. But i still want to go out and have fun with new people and my boyfriend.
I dont have a problem with social situations if it involves my well established friends that ive known for about 15 years, and when im out with them i even manage to be fine if theres anyone new in the group, i can be quite outgoing and chat to them, make them feel welcome. But when it comes to the same scenario with the boyfriend, i just seem to clam up, not say anything and i want to get mysefl out of the situation asap, or hide.
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Comments
I love to meet new people, i love chatting, i love having fun, going places.
If you like meeting new people then thats not the reason you don't wanna go out.
Im similar that way but im a little wary of some people.
perhaps its just your a creature of habit and your stuck in your ways, or you worry what people think about you, same as me.
i dont know why, nothing specific happened.
thing is, i DO want to be out doing stuff. I would love to be out socialising and having fun.
I dont feel bad for staying home myself, but i do worry that people think im not going because im boring. Which isnt the case as i would like to go if i wasnt so self conscious and scared and paranoid.
Hmmm, sounds like it may be a confidence issue then, specially if you're worrying about other people thinking you're boring...
It sounds like social anxiety could well be the issue here. Hopefully you'll find the fact sheet I've linked to has some relevance - but feel free to shoot me down if not
Have you talked to a trusted friend about how you feel? Sometimes a listening ear, or even someone to pep you up can do wonders. Particularly in relation to upcoming events that you're avoiding - (especially as you say you're worried they'll think you're boring for not going.) It can also help to get alternative perspectives in a face-to-face environment.
You may also want to consider counselling if you feel your anxiety is starting to spiral.
As for the concert (with your friend and boyfriend) I can't help but wonder whether it's the threesome that's the issue here. It's important to be honest with yourself - what is it about the three of you being altogether that concerns you? Indeed, going out with a friend and your boyfriend isn't always the easiest situation - you could be worrying about any number of things and most of them are probably natural worries that most of us have had at some point in relationships. When you have worked it out, it might be an idea to talk to your boyfriend about your concerns - partly so you can air your feelings, but also to make sure he doesn't feel rejected.
I hope this helps x
and you're really pretty. :yes:
You seem opinionated and seem strong willed as well so why let this bother you?
Ive forced myself out loads in attempt to just get over it, but every single time i do it, it seems to get worse.
I end up feeling like ive ruined everyones night.
Its beyond biting the bullet. I think i need help but im not sure how i can help myself.
Im wondering if i should just accept it and not go out
*hugs* I don't think you need to resign yourself to that. Part of helping yourself is reaching out to people and realising that you don't have to be alone on this one - whether it be turning to friends or a counsellor
One thing I can think of that might help is if you try and arrange to do something that you know you would be completely comfortable with. Have you got other friends who are couples? could you go out with just four of you maybe for a meal, or a quiet drink? That way the emphasis isn't so much on fun fun fun - more just relaxing and enjoying company of people you know you like. Then perhaps build from there...
It's smilar in our lecture math tasks. you get 10 examples to calculate, and next time (it's once a week), you have to tell him how many you finished. If you say you finished some (which you have to, or you fail the class) you might be asked to step out on the board and calculate and explain the whole example through to a auditorium FULL of students.
You are scared shitless, but everyone respects you, because he knows he has to step out there and feel like a fool sooner than he wishes.
The problems EXIST just in your head. Nobody thinks bad of you, you are self-conscious WITHOUT a reason (and that's the crucial point)!.
You said you went out once and it sucked... well that's bad. I've been out a thousand times and a couple of times it sucked. Who cares? The next chick is really conscious because she thinks she's to fat, even tho everyone believes she's anorexic. Don't let those things get you down. Go out, maybe just with your boyfriend, and another time just with friends -> girl round, but I am sure you will see, that you enjoy yourself and that the problems will go away, as if they've never been there in the first place.
so.. here, have a manly bear-hug and now buckle up and show me the Blah that's cool, funny and one I'd like to see!
I feel like crap, and felt like crying when they all left the house, excited because they're going to have a great night out. They must think im so boring, a complete stick in the mud.
I would love to go if i was outgoing enough to express myself in the same way as other people. I decided it was best i didnt go because if i did go, i'd sit in a corner, not be able to talk anyway because it'd be so noisy, and it'd ruin the bf's night out, and thats the last thing i want to do, dont want him to feel guilty for going off to dance, or feeling like he has to babysit me.
I cant have a social life like this. I dont get to go out with my old friends anymore because i moved away. I havent made any new friends here, i just know my boyfriend and his friends (wouldnt even regard them as aquantances).
I want to go and have fun so much!!
Getting drunk doesnt help, maybe drugs would make me come out of my shell and be myself as i am in my head, rather than the restricted me which always holds back?
when im out, i try to think positive, and relax, but the people im with will end up asking me if im ok because im not saying anything, and that just makes it clear to me that they see a problem with me, they've brought the issue up and in turn this makes me worse. Then they realise im not saying anything and i just get ignored all evening really.
Im self concious for good reason, i hate the way i look at the best of times. I hate my voice, laugh, smile. I wish i didnt care what other people think, but i do.
However its not so much that which is preventing me from being myself, maybe i have a form of extreme shyness? i dont know. Maybe im actually suffering from a medical condition, social anxiety or something.
I hate to repeat myself... and no doubt you did probably read it the first time. But just in case you missed it in the midst of other replies - http://vbulletin.thesite.org.uk/showpost.php?p=1820790&postcount=15 (just the bit about social anxiety) the more you explain how you feel, the more likely it sounds.
This is very much possible. I am torturing to read a thread on a different forum, where the thread-starters mother has guests (for 2 days now), a friend of her and her daughter (who is said is good-looking.) He did not even greet them, talk to them, saw them, in fact he did not even left his room, because he is so social crippled. He only uses the upstairs bathroom and is eating crisps and other shit, because he's starving for 2 days straight.
back on topic: Who are those people thinking you are grumpy and moody? I mean, nobody would think that of me, except I walk with a sagging head an that face :-(((( around, even even then, they try to talk to me and cheer me up and are not pissed about it. Who are those people judging you for the way you laugh, smile or your voice?
In fact I got to know a petite young lady and she has a really prominent voice, actually unfitting for her physique and being, but it is - so to speak - a turn on for me... What you don't like on you, is attractive for others.
I think you really need to go out on a drinking binge with StrubbleS and friends and realize how nobody of us is able to spot the things you dislike of yourself.
cheer up lady, maybe you need different people to go out, maybe you need different locations, different occasions, but you are definitely not the person to sit all weekend's evenings in your room.
sorry yeh i did miss that. Thank you
I was up till about 3am last night researching social anxiety disorder. Im 99% sure i have it, for the first time i dont feel like a total freak, its an actual condition.
I ordered a book too, about it, and about self help using cognitive behaviour techniques.
The problem is i cant see a doctor or therapist about it, because im unable to talk about my feelings...to anyone other than strangers on here. So i will have to see if the book helps. I want to be normal
This weekend ive only left my room to get food, because my housemates have had friends to stay. I make sure that i can hear them outside having a smoke or closed in someone elses room before i will enter the kitchen. I cant walk into a room where they are all sitting.
My boyfriend's friends. I know they think im not good enough for him, and they're right. He cant have a social life that involves me because im too subdued in any social situation involving him and his friends.
I am that person though. Ive been invited out again tonight but cant go. Too scared. And i wont be able to leave if i need to because i cant afford a taxi and dont feel safe walking home alone.
you have a problem :crying: please get professional help, Blah!
I know the most difficult thing is to get help in the first place. I was a bit social anxious too and had a bunch of other troubles that really threw me off-track just a few months back, but - Iono - I somehow can still help myself, or at least my friends have this ability to cure me
It won't go away from alone
you should really IM me or smth, if you can't talk to someone in rl.
Yeh i know, i am at the point now where its got to me so much that i know i need help. But i cant get professional help, i would have to tell someone what's up and i cant do that, i really cant talk about the way i feel. Im fine with anything physical but when it comes to feelings i claim up 100%.
who's smth?
At first I thought you were joking
Well, sooner or later you'll realize that the help you are craving has to come from you... Nobody can force himself upon you. I never wanted to go to councelling either, and all the pills I got prescribed are lying unopened around here.
if you want to make the effort, drop me a pm.
I've sort of been in the same position as yourself some time ago. And the best thing you can ever do is tell someone about the way you feel, either to your parents or to a professional.
I was the same as you, had trouble speaking about anything for over a year, mayber longer... it seemed to go on forever but once I told someone they understood and already knew what I might be feeling. People have a good sense, and can usually tell there is a problem without you telling them.
The longer it goes on the harder it gets, so the quicker you do something about it the better it gets! I actually went to the doctor and he said it was psychological and because it had gone on for awhile the problem 'sets in' and so it can be quite serious, and recommended seeing a psychologist.
But I never got that far because shortly after that I felt that I recovered nearly 100% just by getting everything off my chest. I could see everything clearly and am now doing well for myself in nearly every way!
So the best thing you can do is to talk about your problems, sooner rather than later, no matter how hard it may seem.
If you need any advice then feel free to msg me