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cheating, or not cheating?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
if you found out your partner had been trying to cheat on you, or had thought about it, how would you feel?
basically, ive recently found out my bf had, last month, placed an advert on an adult website for single people, and had swapped convos+compliments with women he didnt know. Now, ive got to say, he says he had no intention of cheating, or meeting with these women, he just enjoyed the compliments. apparently they made him feel good+gave him a confidence boost, which he wouldnt have looked for if i gave him more physical attention.
am i right to, 4 weeks later, feel ripped up about this. ive been cheated on in the past. im now starting to think about other people i know in other ways+am kind of worried if i get an attraction to a guy. i wouldnt cheat, but dont feel right in a relationship (i dont think). oh i dont know, because i know i wouldnt be happy without my bf, as i do love him, im just so hurt+confused.
help me, pls. i think i just need reassurance im not mad to feel this way, i im not mad!
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My ex did it to me and I pretended it was OK but it ripped me apart. I don't think it is OK. I can't really offer any advice as I didn't have a clue what to do about it and I don't now.
    You have to tell him how you feel though and if you're arent happy with his response and excuses, you need to evaluate your relationship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    im trying to evaluate it, but i think the thing that i worrying me the most is my feelings for others. someone very close to me is offering me alot of support+they'de never do anything untoward, but then i kinda want them to....but then i wouldnt cheat i kinda just day dream in my head about it. it hurts so badly
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Does this hurt as much as actually being cheated on?

    If he's telling the truth and you believe him, then I think you should try and forget it and move on. At least he's got some sort of reason for doing it, rather than because he was trying to pull. Can see why you're upset though.

    You've got to start talking to each other more though, sounds like there's issues in your relationship that need discussed.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it doesnt in a way, as ive been cheated on in the past, but i cant shift it from my head.
    ive had alot to deal with recently+its all pilling up ontop of me, i feel like i just want to curl up and die, and ive never felt this depressed before.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it doesnt in a way, as ive been cheated on in the past, but i cant shift it from my head.
    ive had alot to deal with recently+its all pilling up ontop of me, i feel like i just want to curl up and die, and ive never felt this depressed before.

    Have you had a really good talk to your boyfriend about it?

    It doesn't mean he's going to cheat on you, and it doesn't sound like he wanted to hurt you. I know it's not a nice feeling just being scared that somebody will fuck off with somebody else when you've been fucked about before, but if you have a big heart to heart with him then it might help?

    Try and hang in there.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i have had a heart to heart, but it was kind of like "saying sorry doesnt make it all better" ive totally gone of affection+sex, but it isnt in general, just with him. i still want affection, just not from him. im not sure why.
    is it normal to want to be held+cuddled (in a totally non sexual way) by a guy, wen ur bf's pissed u off? i just feel worthless
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're not mad. He is out of order.

    Flirting is one thing, and I could totally understand and forgive a guy who flirted harmlessly to make himself feel good. But the fact that he advertised for women, and then tried to blame it on you not paying him enough attention? That's the bit that worried me.

    Maybe you both need to talk about what you expect from each other, cause your relationship seems very unbalanced.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i have had a heart to heart, but it was kind of like "saying sorry doesnt make it all better" ive totally gone of affection+sex, but it isnt in general, just with him. i still want affection, just not from him. im not sure why.
    is it normal to want to be held+cuddled (in a totally non sexual way) by a guy, wen ur bf's pissed u off? i just feel worthless

    To be honest, I think you're maybe better keeping distance from him if he's really fucked you off. Rather that than just going back to him because he's said sorry, that shows you're strong, y'know?

    It's not wrong to want a cuddle now and again, if you've a lot on justnow then it's not gonna be easy to put up with your b/f and all this business on top.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    its not wanting a cuddle that worries me, its the fact i dont want it from my bf, just another guy - any male friend of mine really. i am keeping my distance from him. he works full time+im in uni+doing uni work, etc. i hope time sorts this out, and quickly. i hate feeling like this.
    kaffirn, i think thats wots hurt me the most. ive not been very attentive recently, my sex drives plummeted. but if he'd paid me more attention, instead of women on the internet, it may have increased?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Id consider it a form of cheating. I think it would break my heart.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    he says he had no intention of cheating, or meeting with these women, he just enjoyed the compliments. apparently they made him feel good+gave him a confidence boost, which he wouldnt have looked for if i gave him more physical attention.

    Well, he would say that, wouldn't he? I'd say even if he had no intention of cheating on you, I'd give him a bollocking about signing up to a website under false pretences as he had no intention of meeting these people, and he would lead them down the garden path just so they could say nice things about him and stroke his ego. Blaming you for that is also the icing on the cake.

    What you're feeling regarding your sex drive and wanting affection from others is totally normal, but I think you both need to address your feelings here before they fester and end up building resentment. Do you think this is something you can forgive and move on from? Has he actually apologised to you? Or is it time to move on totally? They're not easy options by no means, I hope you find what's right for you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    From what I gather your both as bad as each other and the relationship seems dead in the water.
    You are wanting the attention of other lads (well any lad apart from your BF you said) and he is seeking the attention of other woman on the net. How is what he's being caught doing any worse than whats going on in your head??
    He said he has no intention of cheating just like you say you wouldn't cheat, but your both wanting attention elsewhere off the opposite sex.
    Something needs to be sorted out between you and from the way I see it unless somethings seriously change its just going to go downhill from here.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    did you go off your bf after this all happened or was it already going like this?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    placed an advert on an adult website for single people

    My ex-girlfriend did the same to me! I was really annoyed that she could do something like this to me and I think you have the right to feel betrayed too. The excuse my ex gave was that she felt things weren't so good between us (actually few silly arguements). She obviously thought that she could find a better offer online...

    I found it quickly so she's only swapped a few messages. She claimed that she wouldn't have met someone so easily but I had my doubts. Someone who can justify these things so easily would probably also justify meeting the "perfect" and interested person.

    If he felt the need to hide it, he obviously thought that you would be hurt and offended (at the very least).

    Oh, there's a saying a leopard cannot change its spots. Just be careful in the future next time he might be far more careful and sneaky.
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    go_away wrote:
    Has he actually apologised to you? Or is it time to move on totally? They're not easy options by no means, I hope you find what's right for you.

    :yes: An apology is really important. He may have had his reasons at the time, but if there's no regret now then it puts you in a really difficult situation where moving on from this may seem impossible.

    You say that you are struggling with a lack of sex drive, but how are other things. Do you generally enjoy being around him? Do you have good conversations and good bonds in other ways? Your answers to these questions will obviously help you to decide whether or not you have a future together. Take good care of yourself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    From what I gather your both as bad as each other and the relationship seems dead in the water.
    You are wanting the attention of other lads (well any lad apart from your BF you said) and he is seeking the attention of other woman on the net. How is what he's being caught doing any worse than whats going on in your head??
    He said he has no intention of cheating just like you say you wouldn't cheat, but your both wanting attention elsewhere off the opposite sex.
    Something needs to be sorted out between you and from the way I see it unless somethings seriously change its just going to go downhill from here.

    see the thing here is, he wanted sexual attention+compliments from women. i dont want that from other guys, i just feel like i someone to listen to me+support me+give me a hug.
    However, saying that, you've made me open my eyes, as uve kind of summed up would could happen very soon.

    Suzy - ive been feeling like this for months. i love him, have fun with him, but am alot less attracted to him than wen we first met. he knows this, as ive been honest with him (which was hard to do). ive tried to explain to him i cant make my self do sexual stuff with a person who im sturggling to find attractive, then this on top of that has made things 10x worse.

    Helen - he has apologised+does really regret it, but im so hurt my attitude now is "i dont care if you're sorry now, you shouldnt have done it in the 1st place" Ive been cheated on in the past, so im pretty wary. ive never been paranoid about him, but now ive lost trust.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you should consider splitting :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree. As hard as it's going to be, it's probably for the best if you can't see a way around this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote:
    I agree. As hard as it's going to be, it's probably for the best if you can't see a way around this.


    i love him though, and dont want to be without him. but he has really hurt me, and ive been trying for months, maybe even a year, to get my physical attraction for him back. i dont know wot to do. i dont want to drag things out and feel like this for much longer, but if i end things il feel worse bcos of him (he's going through an extremely tough time recently), but may feel better in myself! i dont know if im strong enough to do it :crying:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you should consider splitting :(


    Yeah i second that, or even still, give yourselves a break to work out what you both want.

    You may realise what you have together and want to make a go at things again or you may realise the opposite and that you are now better off without.

    Either way, its not fair to stay if you are unhappy, you'll just end up getting hurt even more.

    And if i was you, if my boyfriend did something like that, i don't think i would forgive him and vise versa, if you had a strong, sucessfull relationship, what he did wouldn't have even been thought about being done.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If a partner just thinks about sex with some one else, i do not think it is a big deal but to actively go out to get someone else to have sex with is very very bad indeed, so end it with him as he sounds like a tool to me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Id consider it a form of cheating. I think it would break my heart.

    Agreed.

    I think you two need a break from each other/consider splitting up, tbh.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you have said that you don't fancy him, I really do understand why he would go and look for a woman that does fancy him. Telling your partner that you don't fancy them is a serious step to take, and to be quite honest I don't think its one that a relationship can recover from.

    To then add cheating (and that is what it is) into the mix makes thing irretrievable.

    You may very well love him, but if you don't want to have sex with him then you have nothing. The key difference will be whether you have gone off sex, or gone off sex with him. From what you've said, I don't think you have gone off sex, you just don't want to do it with him anymore. In which case you might as well finish now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh god this thread brought back a lot of memories.

    :(

    Just, stop everything for a minute. Take a break from each other. Don't see other people. Then do what your heart tells you to do in time, it will be clear. My ex girlfriend cheated on me pretty badly when she wanted 'affection' but was in limbo because she wasnt sure what she felt for me but knew she 'loved' me. We split. One of the hardest things I've ever gone through.

    And you'll never guess what. A few weeks later, she'd realised that she did fancy me all along. 2 years of the best relationship of my life - and I know cheating is crap but while we were together and happy it really was the best - down the drain because of crap going off in someones head.

    Things are so much easier when you take yourself out of the stress of the situation and can see it clearly. This thread has just reminded me how single I am, and what it feels like to lose someone who was a major part of your life.

    Hope it turns out for the best, I wouldn't say it was fair to go to other men for comfort when its not as a friend but a male companion, because it's not innocent really and thats why you brought it up.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kermit wrote:
    If you have said that you don't fancy him, I really do understand why he would go and look for a woman that does fancy him.

    Totally agree with that.

    You can't expect him to wait around until you find him fanciable again. Telling him you don't fancy him anymore was probably the final nail in the coffin for him. Sounds to me like this relationship has run it's course.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well guys, we've had a heart to heart+decided to have a break from each other until we both have gathered our thoughts+feelings+decided what we want to do. we've both been open and honest, and think its for the best. just gonna keep busy with uni+work and hope i realise, 1 way or another, what i want.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well guys, we've had a heart to heart+decided to have a break from each other until we both have gathered our thoughts+feelings+decided what we want to do. we've both been open and honest, and think its for the best. just gonna keep busy with uni+work and hope i realise, 1 way or another, what i want.

    Best of luck, I think its the best course of action :) hope you're ok, I know it's tough xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well guys, we've had a heart to heart+decided to have a break from each other until we both have gathered our thoughts+feelings+decided what we want to do. we've both been open and honest, and think its for the best. just gonna keep busy with uni+work and hope i realise, 1 way or another, what i want.

    Well done :D I know how hard it is but its the best thing for you, it's the road i took with my fella and now we are more than happy together again so good luck, it will work out for the best in the end.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanx for your support. we had a long chat with each other + were totally honest. i told him how i felt, unhappy with some aspects of the relationship+that id been thinking more about being single, recently. Spent this morning with a mate, and he's really helped to clear my head, but just listening to things. I have a good feeling things are going to get better, but im going to make sure the current issues between me+my partner are sorted thouroughly (sp) before we commit again.

    which leads me onto another question: just how do you get the spark back into a relationship+help each other to find the other person attractive+fun again?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanx for your support. we had a long chat with each other + were totally honest. i told him how i felt, unhappy with some aspects of the relationship+that id been thinking more about being single, recently. Spent this morning with a mate, and he's really helped to clear my head, but just listening to things. I have a good feeling things are going to get better, but im going to make sure the current issues between me+my partner are sorted thouroughly (sp) before we commit again.

    which leads me onto another question: just how do you get the spark back into a relationship+help each other to find the other person attractive+fun again?

    Well seems as i am in a similar situation and have just got back with my boyfriend right now we are seeing each other less up until we go on holiday, you then look forward to seeing each other more and get out of a routine.

    What kinda things did you used to do when you first met him?

    Sounds weird but when i first got with my boyfriend before he met my parents we used to go sit in his car all night and talk about anything and everything which allows some great time to yourselves and to talk things through even more what needs to be changed and how your going to go about it. So we started doing that again for a little while.

    Maybe go to the cinema or out for a meal, things that you used to do but stopped doing.

    You can't make yourself be attracted to someone but as you both have kinda grown apart maybe that is why you have felt less attracted to him.
    Once the excitement is back into the relationship and the fun, maybe then the attraction for him will come back if that makes any sense.

    Don't know if this has helped you at all but i tried :) Good Luck !
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