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Dilemma...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'll try and keep it brief as possible.

Was seeing my ex for 3.5yrs, we were engaged. We, I mean, he, had communication problems (found it hard to show affection etc). 6 month before splitting, I broke it off with him, thinking it was the right thing for both of us, and it was bad, I mean, make him cry for ages bad. We got back together, everything seemed fine. Eventually he broke it off with me saying he didnt love me anymore. Oookay.

So for 1.5 - 2yrs following I have pined, and thought about him etc etc (as well as doing the single-thing), and even gave him an ultimatum earlier this year (as we txtd and met at least 1 a month). He said he wasnt ready for a relationship. So I said fine thats it, I'll move on.

So after numerous sexual partners, finally in the past month Ive found someone I can stand and (sorta) trust to be around, as a boyfriend. Im still not too keen on the 'love' thing though.

My ex txtd me as usual just recently, but I had to say no to a night out, and I had met someone new, so it wasnt appropriate. The past few days he has finally come out and said that he has missed me alot over the past month (which ironically is the month I have ignored him completely) and really wishes he could have me back etc etc.

Now, knowing my ex, he would never say something like that, specially out of jealousy (as he was txting/leading upto saying it, before I told him bout the new lad) and I know it would have took alot for him to say that.

Well now Im bloody confused. The only person I thought I'd marry and have kids with, left me for no apparent reason and I had to force myself to get over him, and now that Im finally adjusting to a new person, this bombshell is dropped. The problem is, I do really like/care for this new lad, but my ex... i have a weak/soft spot for. I DUNNO WHAT TO DO!

Im sure I know the logical/respectful thing would be to tell him to piss off and see how things go with the new person. I certainly disagree with cheating and would never consider it. But the history I have with him, is making me think about him in general :crying: :nervous: :no:

Any advice anyone? Please!!! lol

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ouch, that is really really horrible.

    i don't know if i can offer any good advice at all but i really feel for you, sounds like such an emotional wrench. to be honest it doesn't sound like you want to spend the rest of your life with the guy you're seeing now, which is fine if he's cool with that. if not, i would get out of that relationship whether or not you consider getting back with your ex. far be it from me to say "if you don't want to be with him forever, don't be with him" because of course that is not at all how relationships work, but you really don't sound like you're over your ex and until that happens you won't be really happy in any semi-serious-ish relationship.

    then there's your ex himself, and i figure that only you really know him and how you feel about him. to be honest, telling you he loves you and wishes he could have you back, especially if he's found it hard to communicate in the past, is pretty romantic :) and rather implies that he genuinely has discovered his feelings for you...and it sounds like you might still love him.

    think hard....is he just the only person in your past that you could imagine marrying, or is he the only man you have ever met that you could really imagine spending the rest of your life with?the only reason i knew i was over my first serious relationship was when i fell in love again, and i don't tink that you're anywhere near that stage now.

    sorry, i don't know you, so sorry if i'm totally wrong!!! but good luck :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yucky situation.

    I personally would always go back to what I knew if the situation was OK, but I really think you've to make your mind up yourself though.

    I think you probably need to sit down and talk to your ex and see what the score is, and see what you think.

    If you can't find closure with him yet, then I'd totally cool it with this new bloke.

    Is there another reason why you split up, or was it just that he got cold feet?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey thanks for your input, I really appreciate.
    Its difficult to explain without going into technicalities.

    Up until this point I wouldnt have any question about going with my ex, but with this new lad, everything is new, we are over the honeymoon period yet still learning new things and are generally keen on eachother and want good things for eachother etc etc.
    With my ex, he is the one I would settle and and have kids with, but if say, I split with this new lad fairly soon, I dunno if I could jump into such a serious relationship, when Im young and feel like I wanna meet different people and have different experiences, before I settle down u'know.
    So I feel with the new lad its fresh and new and everything, but we havent got to any serious stage yet. And with my ex, it would be serious fairly quickly (cuz there is nowt to learn bout eachother) and well, I dunno.

    I spoke to my ex today, and he pretty much repeated what he had txtd, but said that there is no point when I have a boyfriend. So Im still between a rock and a hard place, but I can only assume he feels that until/unless I am single, he just has to deal with it
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I find it slightly suspicious that your ex "coincidentally" decides to declare his undying love for you after he finds out you are with someone else, and also after you've spent a month not having much contact with him. It sounds to me that it could possibly be a case of him wanting something because he knows he can't have it. Lets face it, you don't just decide one month that you love someone, those sorts of feelings would have been hanging around for him a long time and it sounds like he has had ample opportunity to confess them, so why has he decided to do so only now you've found someone that is actually boyfriend material?

    Perhaps I'm just being very cynical and he has genuinely come to realise his true feelings for you, but I think this is still something you should consider. Also, if you were to get back with your ex, what would have changed from the circumstances that caused you to break up in the first place? For example, would this sudden communication of his feelings continue, or would he be likely to revert back to his uncommunicative self after a couple of months?

    I wish you luck either way, just give it a long hard think over and consider what you want your life to be like for the next couple of years, and in the more distant future :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well this must be pretty tough on u,so first of all..hugs!!:)
    secondly, you might have a 'soft spot' for your ex, and old habits are hard to break but you've got to ask yourself, is a guy who wants you just when he can't have you really worth going for? how can you tell if he's not going to dump you after another year or so?...i know this is a bit much,but i think if someone genuinely cares for you they'd put your feelings first and let you move on. the fact that you two text each other every month or so shows that neither of you're moving on!maybe you should cut all ties with him til you're totally over him...date this new guy n get to know him a bit more..he doesnt' have to be 'the one'...just have fun!see what's out there for you....put yourself and what's best for you first for a change.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My ex did it to me.....you always want what you can't have...unfortunately for me when he realised he could have what he thought he couldnt, he dumped me.
    You have the perfect opportunity to move on, you have come so far, don't throw it all away.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for the feedback guys.
    I do agree with all of you.
    After speaking to my ex and having a think (as my new lad is away at the mo) I think Im quite happy where Im at and Im happy to see how things go and stay with the new lad.
    I dont think I'll ever forget my ex or loose any feelings for him, as I had no reason to dislike him to start with. But he has to accept that Im doing my own thing now and he knew things were going to change for me recently anyways.
    So if its ok for me to pine after him for the best part of 18 month, he'll just have to do the same lol
    So Im sticking with Mr.New :yes:
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