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Engagement

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
What do you guys think about getting engaged to be married or getting engaged just to be engaged?

The way i see it is if you get engaged to be engaged, how do you know when you should start to plan your wedding, do you have to ask again? So in a way you could have two proposals, one to get engaged and one to get married!

What are the good things about having a long engagement as opposed to just being in a relationship for a bit longer and then getting married?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Janet88 wrote:
    What do you guys think about getting engaged to be married or getting engaged just to be engaged?

    The way i see it is if you get engaged to be engaged, how do you know when you should start to plan your wedding, do you have to ask again? So in a way you could have two proposals, one to get engaged and one to get married!

    What are the good things about having a long engagement as opposed to just being in a relationship for a bit longer and then getting married?

    Being engaged is just a sign that you mean it serious with a person. It's like a second and more crafty "I love you".

    You usually just ask once, to be engaged and then you just ask the SO when to plan, where to plan etc, but don't ask the question IF a second time.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To me I've always said I want to get engaged to be married. In otherwords my engagement period will just be the 1 - 2 years to plan my wedding and nothing more.

    But I sometimes think long engagements do give you that extra bit of commitment from the other person. I know a few of my uni friends when we were going away on placements and their partners were stopping around Manchester, got engaged as a way to show their commitment to each other whilst they were apart.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    we were engaged to be married, but we had a long engagement. We were both at uni, and it wasn't the right time to marry, we decided to marry after uni.

    You don't get down on one knee again, you just start discussing when to get married.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would never get engaged to be engaged; there's nothing wrong with long engagements but I think you should only get engaged if you plan to marry in the somewhat forseeable future. By definition it's a committment to marriage, and I think that it should be taken as seriously as those archaic vows are (or should be, since they're often not taken seriously at all). I hate it when people see it as the automatic next step in a relationship, rather than entering into an engagement because of a genuine desire to spend the rest of your life with that person. Of course, circumstances change and engagements are broken but some of my friends seem to be engaged to a new person every time I turn around.

    I personally would rather a quick engagement-wedding succession (shotgun!) than a huge waiting and planning period. But a lot of that is to do with the fact that in the extremely, extremely unlikely event of my ever getting married it won't be a gigantic event. Vegas, baby! :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    briggi wrote:
    I would never get engaged to be engaged; there's nothing wrong with long engagements but I think you should only get engaged if you plan to marry in the somewhat forseeable future. By definition it's a committment to marriage, and I think that it should be taken as seriously as those archaic vows are (or should be, since they're often not taken seriously at all). I hate it when people see it as the automatic next step in a relationship, rather than entering into an engagement because of a genuine desire to spend the rest of your life with that person. Of course, circumstances change and engagements are broken but some of my friends seem to be engaged to a new person every time I turn around.

    I personally would rather a quick engagement-wedding succession (shotgun!) than a huge waiting and planning period.

    :yes: The girl speaks sense (as usual!) It really annoys me when some people implicate that because they're engaged they're so much more committed than those of us that aren't. God, me and my boyfriend spent 3 years long distance (one of which when I was in Germany), we live together now, we're hoping to get a proper place together in the next year or so. If a joint mortgage ain't commitment, I don't know what is!

    Saying that, I really want to propose to him next leap year, as despite everything I am kinda drawn to the idea of demonstrating our commitment in front of friends and family, having a ring to show it, being a 'Mrs'. Also in 2008, I think we'd be in a position to afford it and make a date. Although I'd never pressurise him if he wasn't keen. As I said, I know he's commited already, don't need a ring to tell me that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Meryn wrote:
    It really annoys me when some people implicate that because they're engaged they're so much more committed than those of us that aren't. God, me and my boyfriend spent 3 years long distance (one of which when I was in Germany), we live together now, we're hoping to get a proper place together in the next year or so. If a joint mortgage ain't commitment, I don't know what is!

    :yes:

    You're so right. People always ask me if I'm engaged to my other half, and when I say no, they'll say something like 'oh, well I'm sure Mr Right will come along at some point' and then go on to tell me how they've been with their chap for nearly a whole year and they're engaged omg. Brilliant. Well I guess you won the commitment race :thumb:

    When (if) I get the question popped, the first question I'm going to pop is 'when?'. Nothing annoys me more than people who just get engaged to say they are, and to fanny about with a sparkler on their left hand. Just cause you aren't engaged doesn't mean you aren't together and you aren't serious.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well personally i'd only want 1-2 years, enough time to find a right time and make all the arrangements. But i wouldn't want it really quickly after getting engaged either.

    My friend got 'engaged' a few months ago and said they wanted a long engagement. Only she got bored and found someone else (again) and finished with him yesterday :rolleyes: Despite that he's actually living with her cause he got kicked out of his home. But thats more to do with being too young than a long engagement.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    kaffrin wrote:
    Nothing annoys me more than people who just get engaged to say they are, and to fanny about with a sparkler on their left hand. Just cause you aren't engaged doesn't mean you aren't together and you aren't serious.


    Absolutely, I wouldn't want to get engaged if I didn't have a vague idea of when the wedding would be... I feel it would be a little pointless if there wasn't a wedding to follow the engagement as that's the point of getting engaged, surely?

    Also, what Meryn said about mortgages etc, I agree with that too. Along the same lines, one of my friends brothers has just had a baby with his girlfriend and they have a house together, but says that they won't get married, as it's 'too much commitment'. :confused:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think that when you get engaged you should set a date maybe not the next day (which is what I did) but at least in the first couple of months. I know quite a few couples who are engaged and haven't set a date and it doesn't seem to me like they are that committed to each other like they don't really want to live with each other for ever and keep on finding reasons not to get married (usually oh we have to save up / buy a house / move jobs etc).

    However i'm also mildly wary of people bully their other halves into being engaged and then arrange a wedding at lightening speed as that also seems to be a way of papering over the cracks in a relationship.

    Do people even get engaged to be engaged after the age of 18???
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeah i think that an engagement doesnt say your more committed then a couple who isnt engaged. However i would like a long engagement - i would say yes and wouldnt expect to be planning a wedding straight away. I would talk about his thoughts about it a few months into the engagement.

    Although i would definately not rush into an engagement. I would only say yes if it was really serious and could see myself marrying then and would want to marry them even if t isnt straight away. But Im only young and im sure when i actually get engaged ill want a big white wedding right away lol!
  • littlemissylittlemissy knit chick Posts: 9,972
    I wouldn't have got engaged if we weren't prepared to set a date. For me, engagement is a commitment to marriage. Even if the date was 5 years down the line, it is still that something to aim for.

    I don't see the point in engagement unless you are set on marriage. It isn't that big a commitment anymore. I know of plenty people who are in bigger commitments by getting joint mortgages etc. *That* is the commitment, not a sparkly thing on your finger.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If I got engaged, then I'd hope after the dust had settled we'd start thinking about a date, otherwise it'd seem a bit pointless.

    I wouldn't really want to get engaged on the spur of the moment though, I would actually have to really want to spend the rest of my life with her and be sure of it. Not like first time when I was 17 and silly.

    I do like all the tradition though, I'd always ask her dad for permission and get down on one knee and stuff, love all the old fashioned stuff :blush:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    . I know of plenty people who are in bigger commitments by getting joint mortgages etc. *That* is the commitment, not a sparkly thing on your finger.

    I agree with this it was certainly far scarier buying our house than it was getting married.

    Also I kind of have strong views on things like asking the parents how much you spend on a ring and how long it takes someone to say yes - which are all indicators of how committed people are to each other.

    Having said my group of friends are all only just getting married so there have been no divorces yet so who knows what the future will bring.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We got engaged when i was 23. I am now 27 lol. We had a child first which means we can't afford to get married yet. We plan to in the next few years though.
  • JsTJsT TheSite Graduate Posts: 18,267 Skive's The Limit
    Urgh, there is nothing more annoying than chavs who are 'engaged' because its cool.

    Fucking idiots.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kate1 wrote:
    Along the same lines, one of my friends brothers has just had a baby with his girlfriend and they have a house together, but says that they won't get married, as it's 'too much commitment'. :confused:

    That's just as barmy. Similarly, my boyfriend's brother's fiancee said a few weeks ago in the pub, 'I don't think we're ready for marriage yet, are we Rob?' :eek2: They've been together 4 years, engaged for about 3, have a house, want kids in the not too distant future etc. If they can't handle the commitment, what are they doing living together? Marriage is only a bit of paper after all, it won't actually change anything about their daily lives.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My opinion is if you get engaged you will eventually get married - my partner and I got engaged 3 years ago and we are getting married on saturday, but its been quite a long engagement. Having said that I was engaged before and didn't get married to him.

    I don't think theres anything wrong with getting engaged and 'seeing what happens' though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My opinion is if you get engaged you will eventually get married - my partner and I got engaged 3 years ago and we are getting married on saturday, but its been quite a long engagement. Having said that I was engaged before and didn't get married to him.

    I don't think theres anything wrong with getting engaged and 'seeing what happens' though.
    Have a great day on Saturday.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lea_uk wrote:
    Have a great day on Saturday.
    thank you :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    JsT wrote:
    Urgh, there is nothing more annoying than chavs who are 'engaged' because its cool.

    Fucking idiots.

    Agreed.

    Somehow, last year I had 2 people ask me to marry them and and we weren't even together...:eek:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wow, I didnt realise people got engaged just to be engaged. I find that totally bizare! I really want to get married because I believe in it and I like the idea etc, but I definately dont want a long engagement. Maybe it's just the type of person that I am - I like to get things done :p.

    Maybe the length of engagement reflects the length of time you have been together. I mean, if you are together 6 months and get engaged I suppose it makes sense to be engaged for a long time. But if you are together 5 years or whatever a quicker marriage makes sense too.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree with the general fact that getting engaged isn't a way of showing that you're more commited than anyone else, and I'd always want to be engaged to be married, not to be engaged.

    But I do have a (newly met) friend, who is engaged, with no actual plans for a wedding. She's been with her fella since she was 14, and in January, he proposed, with the intention of planning a wedding when he gets back from Uni (which he left for last weekend I think). They have nothing set, and wont do for 2 more years yet, but are engaged to show they are going to be married.

    Alot of other girls in our class think of it as "oh she's just engaged to try and look cool" though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    draven wrote:
    Maybe the length of engagement reflects the length of time you have been together. I mean, if you are together 6 months and get engaged I suppose it makes sense to be engaged for a long time. But if you are together 5 years or whatever a quicker marriage makes sense too.

    I wouldn't have said it made sense to get engaged after 6 months at all!

    *awaits the rush of 'my parents got engaged 10 seconds after they met and they've been married 150 years' stories*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    kaffrin wrote:
    I wouldn't have said it made sense to get engaged after 6 months at all!

    Same here
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No neither would I, that's not what I said :).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Meryn wrote:
    That's just as barmy. Similarly, my boyfriend's brother's fiancee said a few weeks ago in the pub, 'I don't think we're ready for marriage yet, are we Rob?' :eek2: They've been together 4 years, engaged for about 3, have a house, want kids in the not too distant future etc. If they can't handle the commitment, what are they doing living together? Marriage is only a bit of paper after all, it won't actually change anything about their daily lives.

    it does. if the husband dies in a car accident, the unmarried partner doesn't inherit anything...

    maybe a bit far-feched, but just so you know.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i`ve been engaged for 2 yrs

    i wanted to wait till i finished uni to get married, now i`ve finshed uni and we have some mega savin to do, so by the time i get married, we`ll probably have been engaged about 4/5 yrs

    we`re happy, so i dont see why it should bother any1 else that we`re having a long engagement
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