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Mismatching sex drives
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hiya :wave:
I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 43. We've been seeing each other for 5 weeks and I've practically been living at his place during that time - I've spent about 4 days at home since we've been together. It's been good, we get on well and at first I was happy with our sex life - but now I'm starting to see flaws and get a bit frustrated...
For a start he works evenings - 2pm until 12.30, so he doesn't get home until quarter to one in the morning. He'll put the tv on cos he says he can't go to sleep straight away, and that'll be it until between 2 and 4am when he comes to bed. I get bored/tired way before then and usually end up going to bed at about 1.30.
When he does come up to bed, he'll put the tv on again, watch it for a bit then when he decides he wants sex, he'll initiate it.
He keeps complaining that I never initiate sex, but I'm never sure when to - he seems to have quite a low sex drive (possibly due to his age? I don't know) because he only wants sex once a day (usually at 5am when I'm knackered), and he always tells me that he has trouble getting an erection - well not trouble exactly, it's just a bit hit-and-miss. Whereas the (younger) guys I've been with before have got a hard-on at the drop of a hat, he doesn't.
I'd had a bath one night when he came home from work, and was sitting on the sofa in a sexy little cami top and french knickers (I wasnt deliberately trying to turn him on or anything, I'd just moisturised my legs and was waiting for it to soak in before getting dressed!) and he said I looked "ravishing" but still managed to sit on the sofa with me next to him, watching the football and without a hint of anything stirring 'down there'! So I went to bed :rolleyes:
And it's like that most of the time - I never bother initiating sex because he never really looks like he wants it - the other day I told him that it's more like we're mates during the day, because if we're in together he'll sit reading the paper or watching tv and I'll be at the other side of the room doing my thing. We talk, but it's not like other couples I've seen (and been a part of) where you're all over each other and being really affectionate. I'm not used to so little attention!
I tried to broach the subject of sex the other day...I told him I'd like it more than once a day (and somewhere other than in bed!), and ideally not at silly times like 4am! He said he's not 25 anymore and that I'm sex-mad. Which I'm not.
I've got to say, although there's not a huge amount of touchy-feely stuff from him, he does compliment me loads, buy me little presents etc, so I know I'm loved.
That's kind of why I'm posting this, to see if I'm being too demanding and unreasonable, and if there's anything I can do to maybe boost his sex drive a bit.
Any advice?:D
I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 43. We've been seeing each other for 5 weeks and I've practically been living at his place during that time - I've spent about 4 days at home since we've been together. It's been good, we get on well and at first I was happy with our sex life - but now I'm starting to see flaws and get a bit frustrated...
For a start he works evenings - 2pm until 12.30, so he doesn't get home until quarter to one in the morning. He'll put the tv on cos he says he can't go to sleep straight away, and that'll be it until between 2 and 4am when he comes to bed. I get bored/tired way before then and usually end up going to bed at about 1.30.
When he does come up to bed, he'll put the tv on again, watch it for a bit then when he decides he wants sex, he'll initiate it.
He keeps complaining that I never initiate sex, but I'm never sure when to - he seems to have quite a low sex drive (possibly due to his age? I don't know) because he only wants sex once a day (usually at 5am when I'm knackered), and he always tells me that he has trouble getting an erection - well not trouble exactly, it's just a bit hit-and-miss. Whereas the (younger) guys I've been with before have got a hard-on at the drop of a hat, he doesn't.
I'd had a bath one night when he came home from work, and was sitting on the sofa in a sexy little cami top and french knickers (I wasnt deliberately trying to turn him on or anything, I'd just moisturised my legs and was waiting for it to soak in before getting dressed!) and he said I looked "ravishing" but still managed to sit on the sofa with me next to him, watching the football and without a hint of anything stirring 'down there'! So I went to bed :rolleyes:
And it's like that most of the time - I never bother initiating sex because he never really looks like he wants it - the other day I told him that it's more like we're mates during the day, because if we're in together he'll sit reading the paper or watching tv and I'll be at the other side of the room doing my thing. We talk, but it's not like other couples I've seen (and been a part of) where you're all over each other and being really affectionate. I'm not used to so little attention!
I tried to broach the subject of sex the other day...I told him I'd like it more than once a day (and somewhere other than in bed!), and ideally not at silly times like 4am! He said he's not 25 anymore and that I'm sex-mad. Which I'm not.
I've got to say, although there's not a huge amount of touchy-feely stuff from him, he does compliment me loads, buy me little presents etc, so I know I'm loved.
That's kind of why I'm posting this, to see if I'm being too demanding and unreasonable, and if there's anything I can do to maybe boost his sex drive a bit.
Any advice?:D
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Comments
Why is sex during the day a problem?
Could he invest in viagra?
Its awesome that he gets you presents and stuff, but a r/ship without much of a sexual side to it is going to be hard work to maintain...
I'm not sure whether to try initiating sex during the day; we have done it in the afternoon before so it's not like we ONLY have sex in the early hours of the morning, but it's always him initiating it. I can never tell if he's up for it as he never seems particularly horny, so I don't bother trying anything. I guess I could give it a go one day, see what happens?
From what ive read, the only affection you seem to be getting is the sex that he initiates.
Maybe you should try to initiate more 'touchy feely' couply type stuff, see if that works. If not, tell him you need more, and if he cant give it to you, maybe your not right for eachother.
I know you say you love him, but if he cant fulfil you in all ways, i dont just mean sexually, then you will just get more and more frustrated and unhappy.
He does have his moments of being affectionate, like the other day I was feeling ill so he just sat me down and cuddled me for ages, stroking my back and stuff. And if he's on the sofa falling asleep and I go over to him and lie next to him, he'll put his arm round me and cuddle up to me really closely. It's nice when he's like that, but it doesn't happen very often. I'm not sure if it could be that he's waiting for me to make a move - last i mentioned the affection thing to him, he said "well I'm never sure if it's what you want - you never cuddle up to me" (we were talking about affection in bed at the time - he'll be over on his side of the bed, and I'll be on mine. Unless we're having sex).
but seriously once a day is loads more then most people get sex, I think average is 2 or 3 times a week so you're already double the national average.
It does sound unrealistic to expect sex more then once a day considering the hours he's working, but surely he gets an hours break at work? Maybe you should go meetup with him and give him a quicky at work?
I don't think he's shy about his body, so I'm not sure what that's all about. I've managed to get him to do it in the sofa once or twice, but I'd like it somewhere a bit different. I talked to him about doing it outside the other day, and he said he's only done that once, and that was with an ex where it just 'happened'.
Then he said it has to be right, and both of you have to want it; which I thought was a weird way of looking aty it - it's just sex, not a marriage proposal! Trouble is I said that to him and he got offended. Maybe I should have a little more tact!
You're a new car and he's an old driver - so he has to be taught how to drive you.
Sounds like you're gonna have to give him lessons.
If he can't change, then I/we'll have to compromise, because I'm not ready to give up on the relationship.
Maybe once a week or something we could have sex earlier in the day, or the morning, rather than in the really early hours.
Maybe once a week we could do it somewhere other than in bed too...I'm not seeing him today so I'll have a chat with him about it tomorrow. Not sure how to bring it up in conversation without him taking offence or going all defensive, though.
Plus I don't know how he'd react. He took it badly when I took him into a quiet corner in the park and started kissing him - we had a row about it, with him saying I would have gone for full sex "right there in the park, with people walking past"! Like I was some sort of sexual deviant...lol. Then again he had drunk quite a lot so maybe that was the reason he didn't react so well...