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Being lazy
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
A little while ago I started to get a bit bored with my sex life and was feeling pretty damn unsatisfied. My girlfriend never really does a lot for me, she's not big on foreplay (although never complains when I do things for her) and so never bothers with it.
After mulling this over for a while I decided, rather then complain to her, I would just start asking her to do things for me, take a positive, rather than a negative postition. This worked, but a couple of days later I talked to her about it and asked if she minded me asking her all the time ( I have to admit that I feel really cheeky for asking all the time, but if I don't ask I won't get). She said she didn't mind and that I need to because she's lazy and won't do anything otherwise. She said that when I ask it makes her feel guilty so she does it (which to be honest isn't really the reason I want her to do things for me, I want her to do it because she wants to...) She also said that she never knows what to do, for example, I asked her to try blindfolding me and then just letting her imagination run wild. She said she runs out of things to do. So basically it would be a case of me instructing her, saying "do this... Now do this.." etc.
This is something that I could get used to, I guess I just have to be very bossy and controlling in bed, but I wondered if this was normal. Why would someone be willing to do these things but only when asked? Why wouldn't they just do it on their own? Is it really just a case of laziness?
How would you feel if you if had to instruct your partner everytime you wanted a bit of foreplay?
Also what would you think about the comment about doing it because she felt guilty?
Like I said, this is something I can get used to, I just wanted to know what other people felt about this...
After mulling this over for a while I decided, rather then complain to her, I would just start asking her to do things for me, take a positive, rather than a negative postition. This worked, but a couple of days later I talked to her about it and asked if she minded me asking her all the time ( I have to admit that I feel really cheeky for asking all the time, but if I don't ask I won't get). She said she didn't mind and that I need to because she's lazy and won't do anything otherwise. She said that when I ask it makes her feel guilty so she does it (which to be honest isn't really the reason I want her to do things for me, I want her to do it because she wants to...) She also said that she never knows what to do, for example, I asked her to try blindfolding me and then just letting her imagination run wild. She said she runs out of things to do. So basically it would be a case of me instructing her, saying "do this... Now do this.." etc.
This is something that I could get used to, I guess I just have to be very bossy and controlling in bed, but I wondered if this was normal. Why would someone be willing to do these things but only when asked? Why wouldn't they just do it on their own? Is it really just a case of laziness?
How would you feel if you if had to instruct your partner everytime you wanted a bit of foreplay?
Also what would you think about the comment about doing it because she felt guilty?
Like I said, this is something I can get used to, I just wanted to know what other people felt about this...
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Comments
you've been with this girl for a while now haven't you? has she always been like this?
she does she ever take the initiative and come to you for sex?
sorry loads of questions.. i'm not entirely sure that there is much sexual attraction there
- Just thought I would add that I do everything I can to make her feel like she's great at what she does (and to be honest she is pretty good). I always say how great it was, I often make noises (noises that just happen too, i'm not faking anything) and tell her how much I enjoy it.
Her sex drive seems to be ok, but mine is very high. I get the impression that she would be happy with once a week, whereas I would be happy with it a couple of times a day. She doesn't take the initiative very often, she will often hint at it, but never seems to actually make a move. An example would be if she was staying over she might say she's tired and wants an early night, so I should pounce on her straight away.
Well we've talked about these things before and she seems to take the initiative for a few days after, but then she seems to settle back down to waiting for me to make a move and ask her to do anything. So yes, I guess she has always been a bit like this.
What about the guilty comment? Surely you shouldn't do things for someone just because you feel guilty when they ask?
as for her feeling guilty. that was pretty tactless on her part! it would make me feel shit if a boyfriend said that to me. i can only presume that she knows she doesn't play her part in the bedroom but tries to get away with it.
sorry i don't know what to suggest because it sounds like you're doing all the right things.
I'd do stuff if someone asked because I wanted to make them happy, I'm rubbish at taking my own initiative because I've got no confidence that what I'm doing is right. I feel bad that I don't do anything but have no idea what to do, so will do whatever is asked pretty much.
It sounds like she's similar to me, try leading her, showing her what you like and you'll slowly get her confidence and skills up. As for the guilty thing I suspect your taking it the wrong way, and that she wants to pleasure you rather than feels she ought to.
Thanks, it's nice to know that there could be nothing wrong and that other people feel like this too. I guess there's never a clear reason for it, but I would have thought the confidence would have been the other way round. I was a virgin when we met and she had been with other blokes before, but by looking at us (if you know what I mean) you would have thought it was the other way round.
Yes, I suppose I could be taking the guilty thing the wrong way, in fact I only really thought about it when I started writing this, and thinking what she meant by it. I guess if she really didn't want to do it she wouldn't, I only ever ask, I never tell her and always say it's ok if she doesn't feel like it.
And thanks Lipsy, I don't think I'll ever know for certain if she finds me sexualy attractive, I really hope she does!
The only experience I've had with this kind of thing was when my best mate and her boyfriend had this exact same situation (roles reversed) and eventually they split because she felt like she needed someone with the confidence to take the initiative, do wild and unpredictable things and feel like actual equal partners in the sack as well as out of it. He used to do the exact same things like hint at early nights and give her (what he considered) bedroom eyes but would never actually drag her into the bedroom and rip all her clothes off which was what she wanted... once in a while.
I can relate to feeling thin on the ground confidence-wise during the first stages of a relationship. If I don't jump headfirst into the sexual side then I've found that when we do start getting more intimate I feel quite embarrassed and awkward getting to know a new body. But after being together a while I've always overcome that; and I think she should've too. I guess she is obviously just timid in the bedroom, and I think you've hit the nail on the head in that she's scared of doing something wrong. It's pretty nerve-wracking trying new things and even sometimes the actual act of doing something to someone else rather than doing something together is scary, but again, she should be able to trust you now. As for her saying she does these things for you out of guilt, or obligation, well I think the guilt is probably previous guilt at now knowing you want these things and she hasn't been/isn't forthcoming with them. If she feels very anxious and awkward about them then she may well be feeling guilty now that her feelings about it have stopped you enjoying sex in the past. Or something like that
The only solution I can see is to continue to instruct her, as I think any cosy little chats would just be more worries to run through her mind once in the bedroom. Continue to reassure her, express your pleasure at what she does do for you and hope for the best. There's really not a lot more I can suggest, as lipsy said you seem to be doing all the right things!
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damn
haha! Thats exactly what I thought! :razz: