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Friends and lovers

SystemSystem Posts: 8,623 Staff Team
...or boyfriends/girlfriends and their/your friends.

Just been having a little think about the social dynamics I've found myself in with boyfriends in the past, and wondering what other people's situations are/have been/would usually be with regard to your/their/mutual friends, socialising and general stuff like that. Yes, basically I am very nosy and bored :p

Do/did you have a lot of the same friends from either meeting through mutual friends, the relationship developing from friendship or just the fact that you all get on like a house on fire? Or do you always feel like ______'s boyfriend/girlfriend when you're out or in together, rather than a person or one of the gang in your own right? Do you socialise completely seperately? (I've known couples to do that and can't get my head around it, so if anyone does I'd be intruiged to know how that works). Are their mates a big deal in your relationship or couldn't you care less?

It's like 20 questions :D

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My previous boyfriend I met through doing the same AS level and we were working together too. We just got on really well, and I helped him out with his revision and such. Started hanging out. We didn't know each others friends at all really.

    I made a really big effort with his friends and the girls made me feel part of them but the boys made me feel like I was just his other half. They all have a similar sort of humour and are quite laddish and I'm not hugely girly so we got on ok. Whenever he came out with my friends (he only did this about 3 times over the whole 2 years we were together) he criticised and decided outright he didn't like them. He didn't make any effort with them. I always said positive things about his friends - most the time they were immature, childish and played dangerous games with their cars etc...my friends really like him but he always ran them into the ground and mine are quieter - prefer to have house parties, chat etc...

    I think in a relationship it's important to get on with their mates. I've had previous bf's where we had the same friends so it was easier in the relationship but harder when it broke up. Having my friends seperate from his meant I went out and spent time with just them as appose to cuddling up to my bf all night. But I went to so many parties where he'd introduce me to people, then leave me half the night awkwardly trying to have convo's with complete strangers who couldn't be bothered with me, that was harder. When I introduced him to my mates, I stuck around so he'd be comfortable and had to make double the effort with his mates.

    ANYWAY that's my rant! :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    we both socialise separately with our own circle of friends; people he's known from high schol/college and people ive know from those+uni. But, i get on with all his mates brilliantly, and vica veca! il often text his best mate just 4 a chat+we talk lots online too. He does with my mates too, and i never feel like just his gf around them.
    in the past though i have felt lke the only reason a bf's friends talk to me are bcos im his g.f!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My previous boyfriend I met through doing the same AS level and we were working together too. We just got on really well, and I helped him out with his revision and such. Started hanging out. We didn't know each others friends at all really.

    I made a really big effort with his friends and the girls made me feel part of them but the boys made me feel like I was just his other half. They all have a similar sort of humour and are quite laddish and I'm not hugely girly so we got on ok. Whenever he came out with my friends (he only did this about 3 times over the whole 2 years we were together) he criticised and decided outright he didn't like them. He didn't make any effort with them. I always said positive things about his friends - most the time they were immature, childish and played dangerous games with their cars etc...my friends really like him but he always ran them into the ground and mine are quieter - prefer to have house parties, chat etc...

    I think in a relationship it's important to get on with their mates. I've had previous bf's where we had the same friends so it was easier in the relationship but harder when it broke up. Having my friends seperate from his meant I went out and spent time with just them as appose to cuddling up to my bf all night. But I went to so many parties where he'd introduce me to people, then leave me half the night awkwardly trying to have convo's with complete strangers who couldn't be bothered with me, that was harder. When I introduced him to my mates, I stuck around so he'd be comfortable and had to make double the effort with his mates.

    ANYWAY that's my rant! :D

    I do love a good rant :thumb:

    My current boyfriend and I have pretty much all the same mates, and our flat is like Byker Grove for 30 year olds but it's cool. We all go out together, stay in together and have a pretty good laugh but despite having known them all for years I do sometimes feel like "wor lass". It's weird, but I guess it's because I've transitioned from being everyone's mate to his girlfriend and invitations out are addressed as "what are you two doing?" rather than being individuals. It doesn't bother me, as such, but it's a change I've really noticed :chin:

    I have a few best mates (male and female) who I generally see/go out with alone, but I think that's a lot to do with the fact that we're younger than him. I also like (and often prefer) to see my girlyfriends on an individual basis or in little groups of two or three for "girl time", whereas he and a couple of mates or the entire group will go out if it's a "lads night". I guess, again, that's pretty standard.
  • BunnieBunnie TheSite's sweetie pie Posts: 6,099
    I went on a night out on Friday with some of his mates, and I really enjoyed myself, although I do feel like his other half to them, that is understandable as I dont see them all that often.
    He mainly has lads for mates, but when I did meet some of the girls they seemed nice, 2 in particular took me under their wing and we had a really nice time.

    I dont think he feels like he is best mates with any of my friends, but they all seem to like him. The same applies though, he doesnt see them all that much, so it would be a bit odd if he was all pally pally with them.

    I have had a few fellas where I have been mates with both him and their mates, and also had exes that I have become good mates with his mates, so much so, that I am still in touch with them even after a break up!

    I dont know if any of this post makes any sense, but i tried, so can I at least have a gold star and 9/10 for effort please?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Usually prefer it on my own. If it's Friday night or anything then it's a big get together :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can only speak what I do/would want to do.

    My girlfriend should be getting along with my friends. To a degree, that I can play tablefootball, or N64 at their place and she can socialize with them on her own, and doesn't need me standing all the time by her side. Bonuspoints if I get along with her friends too, because when they are mainly female, we could lay those friendcircles together, seeing most of my friends are single (well actually not, but in wobbly relationships).

    I enjoy going out in bigger peers. you can always seperate yourself a bit from the crowd, but I am usually bored when going out as two to a pub/club, whatever. a friendcircle around the relationship is muy importante- for me.

    Of course, when going out at evening, I can split up from her as well, and don't need to stick to her like glue. I hate it, when I am having convo with an interesting girl and her boyfriend basically sits on her lap, and listening to every word even tho he's not that interested. When we sit down I ofc would want to sit beside her... I think you get the image.

    @maltester monkey: It might sound stupid, but many of the guys would have behave different if you weren't together with this guy (your ex). Some see a girl that has a good mate of them as boyfriend as a no-no area.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well I have only met his friends a few times in the year and a bit we've been together. And its just a little awkward, as they are guys who don't have girlfriends, and have never had any one or done anything... Rich used to be one of those guys with no experience. Theyre ok guys, but I remember getting really pissed off at them when at Rich's bday, they sat there, and played playstation, and didnt offer either of us a go or anything. Didnt come with us to get DVDs and were just being real antisocial wankers.

    Now, my friends on the other hand... one who is not my friend but you cant get away type - they HATE eachother. She's just a bitch and he hates her coz of the type of person she is and what she's done to me.
    The other few are ok with him.
    My best friend is cool with him, so are 3 of my other close friends, but we dont usually hang out.

    My friend Amanda's bf, I consider him one of the gang when hanging, and she does for Rich too. Everyone else, generally dont have bfs, but when they do, we dont really hang/is just ________ bf.

    Hope that all made sense
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dont go out with him and his friends as theyre all blimmin french and speak to each other in french, apart from one who i get on fine with, but they usually talk about work so i have limited interest. Get on with his gf fine though.
    My friends are mainly seperate although he gets on fine with them but i dont have many friends i actually go out with, apart from one friend that weve made mutually since weve been together.
    I guess it depends how you met your partner too. If you met through friends, then it stands to reason youre gonna hang around with the same group.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I made sure my girlfriend met all my mates when we first started going out, but generally I prefer to go out with just them. It's usually all blokes and I don't think my girlfriend would be all that comfortable, I don't think I would particularly either. Same with her, she goes out with her girl friends and I dohn't think i'd be particularly comfortable sitting there as the only guy.

    Every time I know there's going to be a girl coming aloing with us, I invite her down, although whether she takes me up on that is another matter...

    There are actually friends of hers, quite good friends, that i've never met, which is really odd seeing as we've been together for quite a while (about 20 months or so). Maybe she's ashamed of me! :rolleyes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I used to be so and so's girlfriend with his friends, never a person in my own right apart from with maybe 2 or 3 of them that sort of knew me before i got with him. It started to really annoy me towards the end as i get quite narked when people can't be bothered to get to know you as an individual. The ones who knew me were great lads who i reallly got on with well and would have whether i had been with him or not. Sometimes people try to hard to force friendships in the name of their other other i think. My friends were really good with him which made me really proud of them. They were themselves but treated him the same as they would anyone and not just as my bloke. But whilst he got on with them okay he didn't get them and ended up calling most of them mental and not on his wavelength. That was one of the final nails i'm afraid in the proverbial coffin. ;)

    The right balance for me would ideally be where you can spend some time with each others friends and some time on your own with your separate friends. Some fridays i used to feel like i just wanted "me" time with my mates and he could never grasp that. My friend is the opposite of me. She can't do anything without her other half having to be there. He's even turned up to girlie nights because he doesn't see why she should have separate friends as we're his friends too. That annoys me slightly as girlie nights are exactly that and not mixed nights :grump:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Quite a lot of our friends are mutual simply because we've been together so long, and her friends and mine and my friends are hers. That said, her friends are obviously closer to her than me, and my friends are obviously closer to me than her.

    However when I go out with her mates from work, I tend to be her other half, not David. And when she comes out with people from my work she's Mrs David, not Ellie.

    There are some of my friends that she simply cannot stand, though, and that's fine- she just doesn't come out when I go and see them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    All my friends are married to my boyfriends friends *slight exaggeration*, but it is all kind of incestuous but basically i´m probably just as good friends with the boys as he his - though now mainly because the boys are so crap it tends to be us girls who organise stuff - though occasionally when we have been away on girlie holidays togeather the boys have organised them selves enough to do things with our dad´s.

    I have another group of friends who all are very definately my friends but they do all love mark and are nice to him - just that the communication for going out and stuff comes through me. But basically this is in general because boys are crap at organising anyting so it tends to be up to the girlfriends.

    I did however successfully steal one of my first boyfriends best friends as a teenager - isn´t that bad - but you know we are still friends 13 years later and neither of us ever see the said boyfriend.

    In the general boyfriend´s friend kind of at thing i´m not really a girlie girl and am often better friends with the boys.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Usually for about the first half hour of the first meeting with her mates/mummy and daddy I'm xxxxxx's boyfriend, but then once I get over the shyness and come out of my shell then I'm usually Brian from then on in. Or if it's like last weekend then I'll probably be "xxx's scran from last night"

    Never really mixed my gfs with my mates that much, I was seeing someone a couple of years ago that my clubbing mates used to see all the time, until Boobgate, when one of my mates apparently groped her (lie), and muggins here believed her :rolleyes: Suppose if it's the right girl and that then it'll come naturally and all be cool, but I sometimes do get a bit wary - past experience and all.

    If I'm going out with my boy mates then it'll be total drunkeness, but if I'm with a girl then it'll be a totally different night, and it's hard to find middle ground at times.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I keep my boyfriends completely separate from my friends. In fact my mates would be lucky to even meet one of my bfs, let alone socialise with them.
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