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boyfriends and strip clubs

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
:crying: ive just discovered that while i was away on holiday a few months ago my b.f went to a strip club+perved on topless women :(
im gutted, he knows how shit my confidence is+how i feel about strip clubs. Why do i feel like he's cheated on me? :crying:
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would feel exactly the same, if my boyfriend ever did that i would go mad at him, and also feel like i have been cheated on.

    I dunno what to say really :( did he tell you or did you find out from someone else?

    Cheer up soon though :) *hugs*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hugs* i would be gutted too, and would feel cheated on :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    he's now trying to tell me that its ok, since they got in for free+his mate bought him a 'showing' :(. 1 of his mates mentioned it tonite+you should of seen the look he gave him, he knows he's done wrong!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's a little bad then especially if he knew he shouldn't be doing it in the first place! He could have said no.

    Have you spoken about such things before and said that you wouldn't want him to go to such places? If so then he's fucked up big time imo, i'd feel betrayed.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    not exactly, but he knows i wouldnt like it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What you highlight is the difference between men and women.

    He didn't cheat on you, men get stimultaed by images not feelings. Those women were little more than "meat" to him (for want of a better phrase) and there was no emotion involved.

    You shouldn't let your hang-ups stop him from enjoying himself. Although a little respect for your wishes wouldn't go amiss.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What you highlight is the difference between men and women.

    He didn't cheat on you, men get stimultaed by images not feelings. Those women were little more than "meat" to him (for want of a better phrase) and there was no emotion involved.

    You shouldn't let your hang-ups stop him from enjoying himself. Although a little respect for your wishes wouldn't go amiss.

    What about her feelings?

    If the girl that you love went to a club and was getting really turned on by some other guy that was really hott, possibly better looking than yourself?

    Would you not feel any anger?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am a female and wouldn't have a problem with a boyfriend of mine going to a strip club, as long as he was honest about it and it wasn't a 'substitute' for me. I certainly wouldn't feel cheated on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kate1 wrote:
    I am a female and wouldn't have a problem with a boyfriend of mine going to a strip club, as long as he was honest about it and it wasn't a 'substitute' for me. I certainly wouldn't feel cheated on.

    Do you have a boyfriend?

    If not then if you did and it did happen, how you felt coud be completly different to what you just said. You don't truly know unless your in the position.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kate1 wrote:
    I am a female and wouldn't have a problem with a boyfriend of mine going to a strip club, as long as he was honest about it and it wasn't a 'substitute' for me. I certainly wouldn't feel cheated on.


    But the problem is, he DIDN'T tell her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If I was going out with somebody then I wouldn't go to a strip club.

    Not my thing anyway, and chances are even if I went and she was annoyed she'd be all "I'm not bothered, honestly!" then be in a strop for days without saying what the matter was.

    But yeah, I'd let your bloke know you're a bit hurt about it, but I wouldn't think of it like he's cheated on you :no:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    squeal wrote:
    Do you have a boyfriend?

    If not then if you did and it did happen, how you felt coud be completly different to what you just said. You don't truly know unless your in the position.

    I was with someone, and he did go a few times while we were together. I can't say it ever bothered me, we used to laugh about it together afterwards.

    I do agree with Love:TheRedOfTheRose though, you're right, the problem is that he didn't tell her that he was going. I was just saying that if it was me, it would be the not telling bit that would upset me, not the fact that he went.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah, I'd go with him.

    But yes, you are going to be angry with him, and that is understandable, but I really hope you can work through this :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    y would a man need 2 go to a strip joint to glare at other ladies if he had his own? i dont understand.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    swerhs wrote:
    y would a man need 2 go to a strip joint to glare at other ladies if he had his own? i dont understand.

    Just for a laugh really. I think it'd be more worrying if he went on his own and not with his mates.

    Like I say it doesn't really tickle my pickle, and I wouldn't be fussed if she went off to see the Chippendales or was at some hen night shoving five pound notes where the sun don't shine.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    swerhs wrote:
    y would a man need 2 go to a strip joint to glare at other ladies if he had his own? i dont understand.

    My boyfriend used to go with his mates, it was just an entertaining night out for them, slightly better than just staring at each other in the pub! Sort of a male bonding session I would imagine.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kate1 wrote:
    I am a female and wouldn't have a problem with a boyfriend of mine going to a strip club, as long as he was honest about it and it wasn't a 'substitute' for me. I certainly wouldn't feel cheated on.

    Same here. Its a show. My man was at a strip club just a couple months ago for a bachelor party. A bad thought didn't even once cross my mind. Plus, it made for great sex later ;)

    It was just a show. Entertainment. He's with you, he came back to you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i personally wouldnt have a problem... men are strange unfathomable creatures and they get turned on visually, its a male thing, much like as was mentioned, a hen party or possibly a big girly chocolatey sleepyoverthingy for females.
    he just went with the mates, we all know lads have a rep to protect, hes hardly guna be like 'ah no lads my girl wouldnt let me il go round for a bit on my own then meet you later', it was probably spurr of the moment. he probably just went, watched the show and yes thought of her as 'sumthing to look at', hes not thinking 'ooh i wish i had her instead of my girlfriend___'; probably just 'ah yeah shes alright'. your boyfriend obviously does care about you, maybe he didnt tell you as he knew it would upset you and couldnt really get out of it? just tell him how you feel but dont give him boundaries or whatever
    also, have you ever considered visiting a stripclub WITH your boyfriend? it's quite the done thing nowadays in most stripclubs and its something ive always wanted to do.. you can share it with him and itll probably turn both of you on!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    swerhs wrote:
    y would a man need 2 go to a strip joint to glare at other ladies if he had his own? i dont understand.

    "Glare"? LOL. Just because you've got your own life doesn't mean you don't like hearing scurrilous gossip and nosing in on other people's, similarly, just because you've a signifigant other in your life doesn't mean you can't appreciate other women/men. I understand that some people don't like the idea of their other half appreciating other women in strip clubs and the like - and it definitely plays on the insecurities of women - but it's not akin to cheating at all in my view.

    I've had boyfriends in the past who were very into strippers/lap dancers/pole dancers and all that stuff, I went with them on occasion and it's probably the only way you're going to break through your pre-conceptions and suspicions about the places and the women. To be honest, I didn't find them very exciting or stimulating at all, but obviously they do it for some people ;) Otherwise, you'll have to say you don't want him going in the future, but such social censorship would probably be the death knell for any relationship of mine.

    All that aside, the problem with this picture is that fact that it happened a few months ago and you just "found out". How did you find out?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    he didn't go home with any of them and he probably looks at girls in magazines etc anyway so why is it any different?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :crying: ive just discovered that while i was away on holiday a few months ago my b.f went to a strip club+perved on topless women :(
    im gutted, he knows how shit my confidence is+how i feel about strip clubs. Why do i feel like he's cheated on me? :crying:

    More accurately, why doesn't your boyfriend care about your feelings (or something).

    He's back now, and all you can do is tell him that you're upset and explain your feelings.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kate1 wrote:
    I do agree with Love:TheRedOfTheRose though, you're right, the problem is that he didn't tell her that he was going. I was just saying that if it was me, it would be the not telling bit that would upset me, not the fact that he went.
    :yes: i agree. if my boyfriend wanted to go to a strip club for a laugh with his mates then i wouldn't be bothered. its just one fo those things men like to do/experience. although if it became a regular occurrance i would be miffed!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *some/certain men :p
    if u say so :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    squeal wrote:
    What about her feelings?

    What about his?

    Thing is they are boyfriend/girlfriend not prisoner and guard. Yes, he should have thought about her feelings, but all he did was look at other girls. Not much different from lusting over David beckham/Robbie Williams (or whoever).

    He didn't shag or kiss any of them. He looked.

    Seriously, why the big hang up about lap dancers when it's how he feels about her emotionally that actually matters.
    Would you not feel any anger?


    Nope, I can separate voyeurism and love.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think its funny because i can 99.9% be sure that if any of the girls complaining saying hes out of order went to say a hen night that had a male stripper they would all be hooting and hollering with the rest of them.
    That is absolutely no different to a guy visiting a strip club. its just a laugh and a night out with his mates
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What about his?

    Thing is they are boyfriend/girlfriend not prisoner and guard. Yes, he should have thought about her feelings, but all he did was look at other girls. Not much different from lusting over David beckham/Robbie Williams (or whoever).

    He didn't shag or kiss any of them. He looked.

    Seriously, why the big hang up about lap dancers when it's how he feels about her emotionally that actually matters.

    Nope, I can separate voyeurism and love.


    Completely agree with all of this. I think the trouble many women have with it is that they don't see that to a lot of men, love and sex are completely different. They see men looking at women in a sexual way in a club or through porn or whatever as a betrayal emotionally, and that's just not how it is.
    I know this is a little different, but my friend has a lot of one night stands with guys. This would be fine, but she does it as a way of trying to get into a relationship with them, as she thinks this is what will make them stay rather than getting to know them and being friends with them first. She just doesn't seem to realise that having sex with her and developing true relationship type feelings for her are two different things. They all end up seeing her as a quick shag, rather than relationship material. It is kind of along the same lines though, men have a gap between sex and true love feelings, in a way that women don't.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    icey wrote:
    I think its funny because i can 99.9% be sure that if any of the girls complaining saying hes out of order went to say a hen night that had a male stripper they would all be hooting and hollering with the rest of them.
    That is absolutely no different to a guy visiting a strip club. its just a laugh and a night out with his mates

    Nah, it is pretty different.

    I have no problem with either, but I can see that there is a difference in what women get out of some cheesey, g-string-clad stripper hired for a hen night or birthday party and what men generally get out of visiting strip clubs are fairly dissimilar.

    I hate to take this corner because I have no problem whatsoever with strippers, strip clubs, lapdancers or whatever... but I'd also say it's rather different to lusting over a footballer or pop star. The difference obviously - in most cases - being the proximity and fact that the stripper is actually there, a couple of feet away. It might be no more likely that the girlfriend would get to shag David Beckham senseless than it would the boyfriend would be invited to some private room (or home) with a stripper but it seems a heck of a lot more possible. Especially if you're speaking as a woman with insecurities. Obviously the issues are all the girlfriend's, but a little more sensitivity from the boyfriend wouldn't go amiss :thumb:

    I'd still like to know how you found out about this visit to the strip club, though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kate1 wrote:
    I am a female and wouldn't have a problem with a boyfriend of mine going to a strip club, as long as he was honest about it and it wasn't a 'substitute' for me. I certainly wouldn't feel cheated on.

    I feel the same.

    If he wants to look at other women, that's fair enough. He's in a relationship, not dead, and god knows I look at other men. I would rather him go to a strip club and get his jollies that way than want to start something meaningful with a 'real' person. Those girls are not there to seduce him, they're there to work, and he can check out their goods all day long, but every night he comes home to me.

    Yes, he probably should have had more respect for your feelings, but if he doesn't, and if he did this knowing full well how upset it would make you, I would suggest that's your problem, and it's nowt to do with scantily clad ladies.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Agree with most of whats been said re men's attitudes to love/sex.

    tbh strip clubs arent all that anyway, seeing as he has a gf i'd be surprised if he wanted to go back.
    I mean, the girls are quite fit but it's all so fake.

    They'll come and sit with you and flirt and hold your hand and all that, but at the end of it, it comes down to 'so are you having a dance?' so they can take a tenner off you. and you get that every 10 minutes, its not that fun really.

    Basically what i'm trying to say is that you shouldn't feel insecure about your bf looking at strippers as they're no substitute for a real relationship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    icey wrote:
    I think its funny because i can 99.9% be sure that if any of the girls complaining saying hes out of order went to say a hen night that had a male stripper they would all be hooting and hollering with the rest of them.
    i wouldn't, strippers don't appeal to me tbh :no:
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