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Making friends

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've noticed lately that I don't really have many friends , or people I say hello to or chat with apart from old friends from school (about 3 of them). This is mostly a problem at work or at the gym, where I often find I go through the whole day without speaking to anyone. Work is a bit odd because I work in a uni and don't have anyone else in my office so to speak, but do pass people in the corridor and people occasionally walk past my desk.

There are plenty of people I see a lot (down the gym especially) and recognise them, and i'm sure they recognise me, but I never speak to them.

I'm a pretty shy person and do find it hard to talk to people that I don't know and get tongue tied often, and I think this could be a major part of my problem.

What I want to know is how to go about talking to more people. I want to be able to go down the gym and see a few people that I know and would stop and say "hello, how are you? Did you have a good weekend?" etc. I'm not looking for major friendships with these people, but I just want some more people I know well enough to have a chat with, especially at work and the gym where I feel like I know them anyway through seeing them so much.

Another thing I wondered is whether it would be really odd to start talking to people who I have seen 2-3 times a week for the last 2 years but never even said as much as hello to them before?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you get tongue tied then make a joke out of it, that's what I do.

    People are usually friendlier than you think, so go for it :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Bri-namite wrote:
    People are usually friendlier than you think, so go for it :yes:

    How? Just say hello?

    Also I don't want to come across like i'm chatting them up, just want to be friendly.
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    red_jelly wrote:
    How? Just say hello?

    Also I don't want to come across like i'm chatting them up, just want to be friendly.

    :yes: "Hello, how's it going?" Or just "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" may well be a good start - you don't need to know people well to ask these things.

    There's a sub heading in our making new friends article which says 'suppress thy shyness gene' and tbh I think that's really the key to making friends. Making friends with people at a gym isn't an odd thing so I agree you should just go for it - good luck :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Are you a memeber of any clubs or anything like that?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sofie wrote:
    Are you a memeber of any clubs or anything like that?

    No, not apart form the gym.
    They do have some classes going on there and I was thinking about getting involved with some of them (the circuit training one seems the best)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    red_jelly wrote:
    How? Just say hello?

    Also I don't want to come across like i'm chatting them up, just want to be friendly.

    Yeah, or just say something about the weekend, or how your all out of puff or something.

    They won't think your chatting them up if you're talking to a few of them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    red_jelly wrote:
    No, not apart form the gym.
    They do have some classes going on there and I was thinking about getting involved with some of them (the circuit training one seems the best)

    If I was you, I'd go for it. It could be a laugh and you'll make friends.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sofie wrote:
    If I was you, I'd go for it. It could be a laugh and you'll make friends.

    Yeah, I think I will. I think you have to pair up to do each bit, so that will give me a chance to speak to someone. The trouble I have with just being down the gym is I never know how to start chatting to someone, but this could help.

    I'm just so rubbish at talking to strangers :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    a good example of how to start a conversation is when i was routing through charity shop cd's today and ended up chatting to a stranger.

    the bloke searching next to me firstly asked if he was in my way, to which i answered "no your fine", then he went on to say "you never know what you might find!" and then the conversation developed from there.

    Its simple really and practice makes perfect. You'll learn though that some people just dont want to make conversation.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Blah wrote:
    a good example of how to start a conversation is when i was routing through charity shop cd's today and ended up chatting to a stranger.

    the bloke searching next to me firstly asked if he was in my way, to which i answered "no your fine", then he went on to say "you never know what you might find!" and then the conversation developed from there.

    Its simple really and practice makes perfect. You'll learn though that some people just dont want to make conversation.

    Yeah, I often think about things I could say to people, like in your charity shop situation, but I know if I was there and I thouhght "they look friendly" my mind would go compleately blank I wouldn't be able to think of a thing to say. Then afterwards I would probably think of loads of things. I guess that's just a confidence thing though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    red_jelly wrote:
    Yeah, I often think about things I could say to people, like in your charity shop situation, but I know if I was there and I thouhght "they look friendly" my mind would go compleately blank I wouldn't be able to think of a thing to say. Then afterwards I would probably think of loads of things. I guess that's just a confidence thing though.

    yep! i know how you feel. Im never usually confident enough to do it, and as you can see it was the man making the effort to chat to me at first. Im fine when someone else initiates it but need to practice the initiation myself, rather like you.

    I often find myself listening to other people, and listen to how they're conversations are started.

    Ive also learned to not bother with people unless they have looked at me a few times, or smiled or something. If they are being completely reserved and not even aknowledged my existance i wouldnt go there personally.

    When your out and about try to look open, and if you make eye contact with someone smile at them, be aware of the people around you and they are more likely to do the same with you which will make it easier to start a conversation.

    Oh and another thing ive started doing to increase my confidence, if someone apologises for being in my way or for knocking my bag or something i will reply saying its ok, or if someone thanks me for picking up something they dropped or holding a door open i will reply with a smile and "your welcome", whereas before i wouldnt say anything or at most would smile. but there was a time i would walk around loking down and not talk to other people, i never do that now due to practicing these small things.
    Or if I can see someone cant reach something on a high shelf i'll ask if i can get it for them (it helps that im tall, obviously if your short you cant really do this one)

    It all goes towards improving the confidence to make small talk.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Blah wrote:
    When your out and about try to look open, and if you make eye contact with someone smile at them, be aware of the people around you and they are more likely to do the same with you which will make it easier to start a conversation.

    A friend (one of the old school friends) said this the other day, "try and look more open and approachable"

    Is this simply a case of smiling at people rather than frowning and looking miserable?
    Is there some body langauge thing I can do? I'm rubbish with body language and to be honest probably do give off the wrong signals.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Blah wrote:
    a good example of how to start a conversation is when i was routing through charity shop cd's today and ended up chatting to a stranger.

    Yep, lunchtime today I was in the queue at TJ Hughes buying bedding and this Scouse bloke starts asking about my iPod, and we end up yapping till we got served.

    I was never gonna leave there with a lifelong friend (middle aged beardy bloke, stonewash denim, buying hairbrushes for his Mrs - not really my typical social circle tbh) but it passed five minutes of my lunch hour nicely enough.

    I've made "acquaintances" ;) in nightclub queues before, it's a lot easier if you've something in common to talk about, and something random about something in the gym is a good starting point.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    red_jelly wrote:
    A friend (one of the old school friends) said this the other day, "try and look more open and approachable"

    Is this simply a case of smiling at people rather than frowning and looking miserable?
    Is there some body langauge thing I can do? I'm rubbish with body language and to be honest probably do give off the wrong signals.

    In order to know how to look approachable, go out somewhere and look at the people around you. You'll soon decide who looks open and approachable and who doesnt.

    You dont have to look like a loony smiling constantly, but just stand up tall, look around you a bit more, slow down (if you have the time), walk a bit slower and if someone looks at you smile at them, i dont necessarily mean a big grin :D they might think your laughing at them :p

    Im really no expert though, i used to be so bad but this is what ive learned so far and its worked for me.

    Situations where its easy to make conversation are people walking their dogs, dog owners are nearly always wanting to proudly talk about their mutt. Compliment their dog and a conversation can normally be started.
    If your sat on a train and the person next to you is holding a good book (but not reading it) or a cd or anything really, if you know anything about the object you could start a conversation about that.
    Another good confidence builder is to chat to people at the kiosks in shops. They normally say hello so if they look friendly, ask if they are having a nice day. Especially useful if its a shop you regularly use with regular staff, they will remember you.

    As you can see i practice alot in shops :p it really is the best place though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sorry, to abuse your thread jelly, but I have a similar problem just with girls.
    Getting to know girls to have at least potential girl-friend material. It is not possible to have a relationship with the girls I know already and hang out with, at least not for me.

    On the one hand I bode well on the start of uni in october, on the other hand might there be hardly any girls (technical chemistry :/ ). I am usually not tongue-tied, I talk a lot, and entertain my peers, but with new people there is a little problem and with new girls especially if I find them attractive I am really shy.

    I did a search on the forums about chatting girls up and right now I am talking to a girl and she said she wouldnn't let herself chat up (for anything more exceeding idle chat) in a club.

    there are probably a dozen of those threads already, and even some good articles (which I haven't found).
    Sorry again for mishandling your thread, mate, but if anyone got a few nice tips where, how to get girls to know please share.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Blah wrote:
    If your sat on a train and the person next to you is holding a good book (but not reading it) or a cd or anything really, if you know anything about the object you could start a conversation about that.

    Yeah, that's good.
    I remember a couple of years ago walking home from uni and there was a girl a few steps ahead of me carrying a load of books, they were obviously from my uni's library becauase they had the big orange stickers on. I remember wondreing what course she was doing, I guess that would have been an ideal opportunity.

    Thanks for the tips! :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thought I'd update you on my situation...

    Last Friday I went to the gym, noticed a guy next to me using the machine in a way that I hadn't seen done before, so I asked him about what he was doing and he showed me what he does and was explaining what muscles it works and stuff like that. I also saw I guy who I remember seeing out in the town a while back, so went up to him and asked him about that. He seemed really friendly! :)

    I also signed up for classes, the first one's tomorrow!!
    Hopefully that will be a good opportunity to chat to a few people!

    Work is still as poo as ever, but at least i'm starting to speak to a few people at the gym and I feel loads better than I did last week! :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    nice one :thumb:
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