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My girlfriend and i cannot have sex! help!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello everyone. I would like to give you a little background on the situation my girlfriend and i are in just so you might have an idea on how to help us. First off she is 16 and i am 17, and yes we are aware of the pros and cons of having sex and we have a very verbal relationship and know we both want to do it.
We have been dating for about 3 monthes, and have been good friends for about 5 monthes. It seems as if we have been dating longer because we started "hooking up" before we were dating. So here comes out problem:

Multiple times we have tried to have sex but she is in a lot of pain every time we attempt it. She has never masturbated or done anything sexual to herself so it is all kind of new to her. We are both virgins. She bleeds everytime we try to have sex and are totally unsure why. When we first started we didnt use any extra lubrication, so we thought that maybe that was the issue and have been trying KY Jelly but it has not helped very much. We always used a condom at first but it started getting a little expensive (we have been trynig for about a month now) and so now we try without a condom, but its not dangerous (to my knowledge) because we are not even comming close to having me "come" because i cannot even put my penis very far into her.

I thought that maybe she was scared and just did not want to do it, so i told her i do not mind waiting. I have tried to tell her there is no rush and i would wait forever for her. She always initiates it and ALWAYS wants to try again. Yes i do want to have sex wit her but im afraid of hurting her so i only try if she asks me to, which in all honesty, is usually 2 times a day. (We are doing this in my Jeep Liberty by the way but it have a about 5x5 space in the back when i put the seats down and we have basically made it a bed back there).

It seems as if we are getting better. Slowly i have been able to put myself farther into her without it hurting here. We even play red light green light where i will put him in, then she says red light when it hurts and i take him out. The blood has stopped when i first enter her, but when i go deep inside of her it bleeds still.

I asked her to describe the pain and she said that she cant really describe it. She has told me that it is not really burning. She said it kind of feels "rough" when im inside of her but i am not pumping or anything, just sitting there, no more than 2 inches in.

I am able to use my finger and give her oral sex just fine, but we are all out of ideas and she is starting to feel bad and thinks that she is "retarted" (her exact words). I try to tell her this is not true, but i dont know what is wrong so i cant really help. I have tried to do research on this and cannot find out what is wrong. SO if anyone has any advice PLEASE help us!
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well i suggest she takes a trip to the doctors, i have the same problem without the bleeding and i have the rough feeling, i have been told they think i have bacterial vaginosis which can be treated with tablets. Apparently, 1 in 10 women have it at some point in thier lives.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You need to use a condom everytime, even though you are not penetrating very deeply, or coming, your girlfriend could still get pregnant.

    It does sound as though she isn't relaxed enough, but you seem to be doing all the right things, especially reassuring your girlfriend. It's a very common problem.

    This is true but she still might have a medical reason. A Smear would rule it out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well if she really needs to go to the doctor how would you recoment we go about it? Because she cannot ask her mother to take her because her mother would NOT apporve of her having sex yet. I could drive her and i would even pay for her BUT since neighter of us are 18 im not sure if the doctor would even accept her as a patient.
    Also, just for the record she IS on the pill. And i have asked her over and over is she is scared or if she doesnt want to do it yet and everytime she gives me a defiant NO.
    The advice given so far is GREATLY appreciated and any more is also greatly appreciated!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    does she not have a family doctor like a gp she can go and see?? all doctors have to accept a patient regardless what age they are.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I had problems similar to what you describe when I first started having sex. Things did get better though.

    Are you sure she is 100% comfortable doing it in your car?! If not then this could be adding worry for her especially if she is worried you might get caught!

    Also what country are you in? In the UK you can definately see a doctor in confidence under 18 but you don't say where you are based.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    firstly she can go to a family gp, he cant tell her parents whats happening due to patient confidentiality. if she feels uncomfortable you can always try a family planning clinic or gum clinic, these dont even need to be told your real name, they just take tests and let you know.

    secondly condoms can never be too expensive, granted from shops at 3 pound ago its not brillaint but pop into your local family planning clinic and theyll give you about thirty odd at a time for free.

    use this site to find your nearest one http://www.multimap.com/clients/places.cgi?client=fpa2

    thirdly, it maybe that she does have an infection and like someone else said on here it does sound like the symptoms i experienced when i had bv (bacterial vaginosis) if she has got this it doesnt mean shes been sleeping around etc, usually its just caused by upsetting yeast levels (usually through overwashing)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Had two girlfriends who had this exact problem, in fact it's probably only one in a million girls who don't experience some degree of discomfort/pain the first few times, right?! I've always found that, with reassurance and lots of relaxing foreplay - massages, relaxed atmosphere etc - that gradually it improves and is eventually fine. At first my gf couldn't tolerate it at all, then she could manage a few seconds, then a minute...... and now all is well. Good luck, don't worry, it's nothing abnormal, quite the opposite.

    You have a good attitude about it, girls are so fragile about first-time sex, because of the potentil for pain and the 'invasion' of their body I guess, and I know that if you ease her into things and reassure her all the time she will appreciate it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You still need to use a condom as there IS risk of pregnancy/STD's.

    Plus doing it in your car is hardly the most comfortable of places. Have you tried an actual bed?

    And as other people have said, lots of foreplay. Or a trip to the Docs.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    One of the most common mistakes couples make when starting a sexual relationship is rushing into penetration. As GWST said - it's a common problem for young women to experience discomfort when they have sex in the early days and learning to be relaxed can take time. You may find TheSite's article on painful sex interesting and it might be worth printing it out for your girlfriend to reassure her that she's most certainly not 'retarded'!

    If going to your GP sounds too scarey, it's a really good idea to find out if you have a brook centre near you. Find your nearest brook centre Brook centres specialise in sexual health advice for young people aged 16-25.

    You don't mention whether your girlfriend has experienced an orgasm yet - since you mention she hadn't explored her own body before. It might be worth encouraging her to get in touch with her own body to help her relax, and you might find the following article helpful.

    Take care ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    See post below!
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello everyone, i just wanted to give an update on what is going on. I would also like to say i really appreciate all the help you guys are giving us! We have not gone to see a doctor yet. My girlfriend thinks if we just keep trying its going to get better. Some one asked if she was really relaxed, and i would have to say yes. I have asked her multiple times and i am not sure why she would instigate the sex if she didnt really want it. I have told her over and over that i would wait forever for her but she wants to try to have sex (and i to too, but i love her and would wait if she needed me to).

    Also my car is a 2005 Jeep liberty and when you put the back seats down ( i may have mentioned this already) it makes for a pretty nice sized bed where we have blankets and pillows and things of that sort back there.

    We are at a point now where it doesnt hurt her as much. I am able to penetrate about half way into her. From there she wants to me try to have sex with her, and i am able to do it and come but it does not even feel good for her. She says he it feels good but i can tell it is NOTHING compared to when i finger her or give her oral sex. I know that a lot of females say oral sex feels better but still, i thought that she would atleast feel good during sex. It also is very strange to me that she wants to keep trying to have sex when it is just not pleasurable for her (so it seems).

    She has never had an orgasm. I know she hasnt done it herself, and when i get close to giving her one from oral sex/fingering it becomes really intense for her and she wants me to stop because in my opinion she is afraid to have one. SHe says it is TOO pleasurable and she cant handle it.

    So with all of this going on we are fine in our relationship, and that is the most important thing, but we both really would like to be able to have sex (not half ass-ed sex). And we live in the united states
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mike_17 wrote:
    She has never had an orgasm. I know she hasnt done it herself, and when i get close to giving her one from oral sex/fingering it becomes really intense for her and she wants me to stop because in my opinion she is afraid to have one. SHe says it is TOO pleasurable and she cant handle it.

    It could be that you are stimulating too close to her clit. Some women do find it too intense and can't cum when it's like that. She really needs to explore herself, she can't expect you to know if she doesn't knwo herself.

    As for the comfort in the back of the car, i think people were refering to the fact it's in a car, not if it's comfy. You know the fear of getting seen/caught probably won't helping.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Remember though, some women just can't and that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with her, or your technique. It does help though if she learns for herself what she likes, then she can teach you - not all women like the same thing y'know.

    As for the GP thing, she can see him at any time without her parents knowledge. It's a right.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know why i forgot to say this but i have my windows tinted WAY past the lega limit (5% layered two times if you know what that means) we both know that there is no way to see into my car from the outside, she says she is comfortable, but i guess she could just be telling me what she thinks i want to hear.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    who needs to be able to see into the windows when someone can see the car rocking back and forth
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You need to get out of your car and go somewhere else for this. 5x5 space might be great and all but it's not exactly private, or warm, and you can't move about properly. If it's hurting her you need to find a position that works and being in a car aint the place to do that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeah i agree about trying it somewhere besides my car, but its not that easy for a 17 year old guy and a 16 year old girl to just walk into their houses and have sex... we have thought about it trust me =(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Mike

    As many people have already said, you're not alone in having this problem.

    My boyfriend and I had the same problem at first - as we put it now "he was too sensitive and I was too tight."

    We are a little older than you (I'm 21; he's 20) but it was the first time for both of us.

    We got round the problem by taking the focus off penetration for a while. We spent our "together time" touching and exploring. I thought I was relaxed and comfortable but I realise now that I was tense about the whole thing and when I tense up it is difficult for him to enter me and impossible for me to enjoy it.

    After a few months I am more relaxed about my body, in his company, and I know how to relax when he's inside me. We are still practising (we came to the conclusion that the only way to get better at sex was to have more sex). Another thing that helped me relax is the amount of time he assures me how much he loves pleasuring me...that has helped me to "let myself" enjoy it even more.

    Apologies for rambling, you are not alone, keep practising and have fun!

    cq x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't let her go on top, let her lay on her back, try get her to relax(helps open up inside), it will be less painful that way.

    when i was having sex for the first few times, me on the bottom hurt loads, but on top it didnt hurt in the slightest, because my legs were wide open either side of him therefore i was more open, also on the top the girl has control which is maybe better for her controlling how far in you are as to how uch pain she is in. But i do agree its maybe more relaxed on her back - see which suits her

    i think your doing the right thing just keep at it

    good luck :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My girlfriend and i cannot have sex! help!

    Why don't you just leave her alone?

    You're in your teens, neither of you are prepared for pregnancies and STIs, which inevitably happen with teenage sex.

    You should be thinking about your exams and your future career not deflowering your poor girlfriend.

    She obviously doesn't want to sleep with you but you're pressurising her. Just leave her be. Let her have a loving, mature sexual relationship in her own time. Don't force her like a brute. What, after all, do you have to offer her? Nothing but acne, teenage neuroses and pregnancy scares. She knows she can do without that which is why she doesn't want you in her.

    So take the hint and leave off.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BabyLove wrote:
    Why don't you just leave her alone?

    You're in your teens, neither of you are prepared for pregnancies and STIs, which inevitably happen with teenage sex.

    You should be thinking about your exams and your future career not deflowering your poor girlfriend.

    She obviously doesn't want to sleep with you but you're pressurising her. Just leave her be. Let her have a loving, mature sexual relationship in her own time. Don't force her like a brute. What, after all, do you have to offer her? Nothing but acne, teenage neuroses and pregnancy scares. She knows she can do without that which is why she doesn't want you in her.

    So take the hint and leave off.

    wow, your a twat and obviously cant read, congratulations!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lets try this one again babylove.

    What he has desribed (if you actually bothered to read it all) is the same as lots of people experience, and lots of those people want to be doing what thet are trying to do.

    16/17 isn't that young, as a good start they are legal and are thinking about what they are doing.

    Before you leap on your anti teenage sex high horse read the posts properly and if you've found something in it the rest of us have missed explain it to make your self clearer.

    It's usually considered poor form on these boards to criticise spelling, unless the point being made is unclear.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    BabyLove wrote:

    You're in your teens, neither of you are prepared for pregnancies and STIs, which inevitably happen with teenage sex.

    Unwanted pregnancy and STIs can happen with sex at any age - there really is no need to stigmatise teenage sexual activity - the is no inevitability about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    cquest wrote:
    We got round the problem by taking the focus off penetration for a while. We spent our "together time" touching and exploring. I thought I was relaxed and comfortable but I realise now that I was tense about the whole thing and when I tense up it is difficult for him to enter me and impossible for me to enjoy it.

    :yes:

    Mike - It shows you care a lot about your girlfriend that you'll come on here and ask about these things. I think cquest gives some great advice - take your time, perhaps take the emphasis of penetration for a while. Of course you want to have sex together, that's totally natural, but by taking your time now you might be able to have much better sex a little further down the line.

    Also, when it comes to giving your girl an orgasm - a lot of girls who are new to sex don't come the first few - or lots - of times. It's often something that happens after the couple have had lots of 'practice' and are totally relaxed and comfortable with each other.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    cquest wrote:
    We got round the problem by taking the focus off penetration for a while. We spent our "together time" touching and exploring. I thought I was relaxed and comfortable but I realise now that I was tense about the whole thing and when I tense up it is difficult for him to enter me and impossible for me to enjoy it.

    After a few months I am more relaxed about my body, in his company, and I know how to relax when he's inside me. We are still practising (we came to the conclusion that the only way to get better at sex was to have more sex). Another thing that helped me relax is the amount of time he assures me how much he loves pleasuring me...that has helped me to "let myself" enjoy it even more.

    This sounds like good advice to me. If I was in your g/f's position, I would be feeling a lot of pressure to be able to have sex without it hurting (not just pressure from wanting to make you happy but also pressure she is probably putting on herself as it sounds like she does want to have sex with you) and that pressure would cause me to be even more tense and to hurt even more. maybe if you just stop trying for a while, explore other things like cquest said then it might just happen one day when you are both more relaxed about everything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    jenni30 wrote:
    when i was having sex for the first few times, me on the bottom hurt loads, but on top it didnt hurt in the slightest, because my legs were wide open either side of him therefore i was more open, also on the top the girl has control which is maybe better for her controlling how far in you are as to how uch pain she is in. But i do agree its maybe more relaxed on her back - see which suits her

    i think your doing the right thing just keep at it

    good luck :)
    :yes: I found me on top the first few times much better as I could control the pain more.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lets try this one again babylove.

    What he has desribed (if you actually bothered to read it all) is the same as lots of people experience, and lots of those people want to be doing what thet are trying to do.

    16/17 isn't that young, as a good start they are legal and are thinking about what they are doing.

    Before you leap on your anti teenage sex high horse read the posts properly and if you've found something in it the rest of us have missed explain it to make your self clearer.

    It's usually considered poor form on these boards to criticise spelling, unless the point being made is unclear.

    :yes: What an ass :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Scarymonster,

    The bird clearly doesn't want to have sex for very rational reasons, namely she's too young for the attendant STI/Pregnancy merry go round; she has better things to do, like, you know, think about her exams and her future; and her boyfriend just isn't enough of a turn on for her to overcome her misgivings. She doesn't want to have sex. He shouldn't force her.

    Helen - apparently a moderator but clearly less than informed about teenage sexual trends - declared that unwanted pregnancies and STIs can occur at any age. Obviously.

    She may care to familiarise herself with the research evidence about teenage sexual activity, which finds that the younger the age of sexual debut, the more sexual partners are likely to be accrued, the more likely individuals, especially women, are to experience unplanned pregnancies and STIs. Teenage sex is so likely to result in these unfortunate outcomes that the word inevitable is well used in warning off foolish adolescents from sexual adventures.

    She may also wish to consult a dictionary and reflect - carefully - on her inappropriate and excitable use of the verb 'stigmatise' to describe rational arguments against teenage sex.

    In light of the recent STI statistics - there was another rise in STIs this year; clinics say they cannot cope with demand for their services - a moderator on any responsible website would urge their teenage readers to delay sex until adulthood. I hope she does so.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BabyLove wrote:

    The bird clearly doesn't want to have sex for very rational reasons, namely she's too young for the attendant STI/Pregnancy merry go round; she has better things to do, like, you know, think about her exams and her future; and her boyfriend just isn't enough of a turn on for her to overcome her misgivings. She doesn't want to have sex. He shouldn't force her.

    Where are you getting this bullshit from, seriously?
    try reading this....
    Mike_17 wrote:
    She always initiates it and ALWAYS wants to try again
    Mike_17 wrote:
    And i have asked her over and over is she is scared or if she doesnt want to do it yet and everytime she gives me a defiant NO
    Mike_17 wrote:
    I have told her over and over that i would wait forever for her but she wants to try to have sex (and i to too, but i love her and would wait if she needed me to)
    Mike_17 wrote:
    she says she is comfortable

    Now, that pretty much clears up that, doesnt it.
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