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just an emotional rant u dont have to read :(

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
so wish i had the mental agility to express whats racing through my mind right now, but the fact is that i'm a wreck, and i've no clue whether its emotional instability or suddenly seeing situations in their proper light.

I suppose my biggest problem at the moment is that i've sussed the first move, the hinting the filrting, the dancing, the entertaining, all the bits that get guys interested, but then i freeze. Moving to the next stage, to anything physical i'm actually frightened to death of. I appear to be attractive at first, i get attention from some lovely, gorgeous men, but which ever way i play it it seems that i'm just not in the least bit convinced that these types of men are going continue to like whats underneath the clothes i wear, the funky sexy outfits i love putting together, the drunken energetic dancing, the make up and the big smile they first become drawn to. Now i dont fault men for this at all, they are visually stimulated, and sexually motivated, and for them to accept flaws in you they have to have flaws themselves else why would they settle for damaged goods when they can afford the best quality?

They may well even be happy with those damaged goods if the character of the item catches their heart. But like an old jumper or car or pair of shoes, they are going to wanna upgrade/replace sooner or later, as soon as something newer and shinier and better conditioned catches their eye. The ironic thing is what catches their eye might not even work quite as well, or cost far far more, but men want shiney and new, and state of the art.

The problem is that knowing and accepting this fact leaves me too afriad to get close, for fear of being unwanted all of a sudden. Cos if someone with strong morals and values and love for me, as well as plenty of flaws of his own can suddenly change their mind, and think they can do better. Someone i still to this day trust with my life, someone who is not a bad person and loves me to bits but just cant commit to me beause they dont fancy me enough. Yet they can sleep with me and intrude of phonecalls and potential relationships, and get everything out of me that they could ever want fromo a girl, with out ever having to say i'm looking nice, or mention anything about my physical appearance or performance in bed does for them.

Its breaking my heart and messing with my mind just putting all of this in to words, i cant understand how it feels like he's doing all the giving when actually he's the one having his cake and eating it, and i'm the one having neither privilage. Why do i even go to bed with some one who broke my heart and destroyed any confidence i had in myself? Why? Cos its my lack of confidence, and the damage thats been done to my self esteem that makes me absolutely petrified of becoming physically intimate with anyone else. No matter how nice they seem, no matter how much i like them, no matter how much they appear to like me, i abosultely no fucking way in this world can emotionally cope with this happenin to me again. Its been 9 months since he said those words to me, and i am sitting here crying as hard as i did that night, i dont know how to get myself out of this hole. I want to be fancied, i dont want to be in a relationship where they are always looking better options, i want to be enough for someone who is enough for me. This should be everyone's right surely. Or is true love something that only happens amongst "the beautiful"?

I cant hear these words any more ever again, from someone i am involved with "she's a top bird i just dont fancy her like that" i'd sooner never be intimate for the rest of my life than have those words driven into my heart like a white hot poker. infact its looking like thats the way its going to be cos i dont have enough faith in my theories being wrong, to take any more gambles - and i can feel my entire lifes loneliess all at once, now, just thinking about having to spend my life that way :'( i didnt lose 5 fucking stone to feel this way!!!!!!!!!!!

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Seems to me that for you to move forward in life, first you need to be happy about who you are.
    This guy is obviously not helping with that, so as a start you need to ditch him or tell him how you feel and set some boundaries, in other words - take control.

    Also, it seems that you are too reliant on acceptance by others or maybe you care too much about what other people think of you, especially strangers, and that's causing a lack of confidence.
    When you go out, try not to "try too hard", go out with your mates and have fun, don't go looking for something to happen or having any sort of expectation.

    If you are happy, people will notice that and it will draw them to you naturally, like a homing beacon.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    migpilot wrote:
    Seems to me that for you to move forward in life, first you need to be happy about who you are.
    This guy is obviously not helping with that, so as a start you need to ditch him or tell him how you feel and set some boundaries, in other words - take control.

    Also, it seems that you are too reliant on acceptance by others or maybe you care too much about what other people think of you, especially strangers, and that's causing a lack of confidence.
    When you go out, try not to "try too hard", go out with your mates and have fun, don't go looking for something to happen or having any sort of expectation.

    If you are happy, people will notice that and it will draw them to you naturally, like a homing beacon.

    its hard to let go cos we've become best friends and we are so close, but those words still ring in my ears all the time, and him being in my life is a constant reminder that i wasnt good enough for him. But letting go of him is like losing my best friend which is worse than any break up :(

    and i'm already doing the going out and having fun thing, i dance all night and i do have fun and dont look for anything and IT does attract blokes, really goregous blokes, but as i said its getting past that stage i'm afraid of :(

    i dont think there are answers to this just wanted to get it off my chest i guess - thank you for your reply though x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    All I can read is, that you are attracting men with only your looks, but apparently can't offer them enough to be settled for a while longer.

    You know, it's not everything about the packaging. An interesting person wins me everyday over a "top bird".

    If you think, your looks are your capital, fine, than deal with the issue, that there will always be someone prettier than you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lexica wrote:
    This should be everyone's right surely. Or is true love something that only happens amongst "the beautiful"?

    No, and in fact I think it may happen a lot less among people widely regarded as "beautiful". I'm just not entirely sure if you consider yourself one of the "beauties" or the "uglies" (no offense intended to anyone, but call a spade a spade :p ).

    In seriousness, I've had this problem in the past, and I think I may even be experiencing it to an extent at the moment. You need to lessen the value you place on looks and physical attractiveness (your own, and those of others) before you can trust anyone else to do the same, and like you for who you are... not how many admiring/jealous glances they attract when you're on their arm.

    But really, don't presume to speak on behalf of all men. They don't all leap from one shiny object (or woman) to the next with a hop, skip and a jump. Some men most definitely do get tired once they stop seeing you shimmying around on Saturday night in your best clothes, and when they catch a glimpse into Sunday "down time" you with pyjamas on and Worzel Gummidge hair they're outta there. That's fair enough, you should be GLAD if they express such sentiments as you can boot them out the door faster and save your own sweet time rather than wasting it.

    But the fact is, they aren't all like that. Not even close. You need to stop assuming so as you're shitting in your own nest, so to speak. Being treated badly by men can very often be a self-fulfilling prophecy, I've certainly found that in the past. Maybe you're putting up this shield to prevent yourself from getting hurt, in fact I'm sure of it. But you'd be better off opening the door to ten potential new men than continuing to keep this fuck buddy/random bloke in your life. He's systematically destroying your self-worth and self-esteem and you need to nip it in the bud immediately. Stop sleeping with him, stop letting your daydreams of a relationship with him ruin the potential you have with a hundred other blokes. You're worth more than that, I assure you. Once you know you deserve better and command better treatment from everyone - not just the men - in your life, you will get it.

    Why do you feel you're "damaged goods"?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    briggi wrote:
    No, and in fact I think it may happen a lot less among people widely regarded as "beautiful". I'm just not entirely sure if you consider yourself one of the "beauties" or the "uglies" (no offense intended to anyone, but call a spade a spade :p ).

    In seriousness, I've had this problem in the past, and I think I may even be experiencing it to an extent at the moment. You need to lessen the value you place on looks and physical attractiveness (your own, and those of others) before you can trust anyone else to do the same, and like you for who you are... not how many admiring/jealous glances they attract when you're on their arm.

    But really, don't presume to speak on behalf of all men. They don't all leap from one shiny object (or woman) to the next with a hop, skip and a jump. Some men most definitely do get tired once they stop seeing you shimmying around on Saturday night in your best clothes, and when they catch a glimpse into Sunday "down time" you with pyjamas on and Worzel Gummidge hair they're outta there. That's fair enough, you should be GLAD if they express such sentiments as you can boot them out the door faster and save your own sweet time rather than wasting it.

    But the fact is, they aren't all like that. Not even close. You need to stop assuming so as you're shitting in your own nest, so to speak. Being treated badly by men can very often be a self-fulfilling prophecy, I've certainly found that in the past. Maybe you're putting up this shield to prevent yourself from getting hurt, in fact I'm sure of it. But you'd be better off opening the door to ten potential new men than continuing to keep this fuck buddy/random bloke in your life. He's systematically destroying your self-worth and self-esteem and you need to nip it in the bud immediately. Stop sleeping with him, stop letting your daydreams of a relationship with him ruin the potential you have with a hundred other blokes. You're worth more than that, I assure you. Once you know you deserve better and command better treatment from everyone - not just the men - in your life, you will get it.

    Why do you feel you're "damaged goods"?

    thank you thats the most helpful advice i think i've had yet.

    Damaged goods cos at age 25 i've had a baby and lost five stone, so i'm a size 12 in a size 20 skin, i look great in clothes but its not my character that puts men off like the other person said above, its the damage pregancy and weiight loss did to me. they dont expect it, and i dont think many many are likely to be turned on by it :'(

    i am putting up barriers to stop myself getting hurt, and i've given a few blokes a go since this all happened and each and every one has vanished after the first or second fuck, well maybe its not my body and i'm just crap in bed but given that i try my hardest i dont think thats any condolence :'(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lexica wrote:
    thank you thats the most helpful advice i think i've had yet.

    Damaged goods cos at age 25 i've had a baby and lost five stone, so i'm a size 12 in a size 20 skin, i look great in clothes but its not my character that puts men off like the other person said above, its the damage pregancy and weiight loss did to me. they dont expect it, and i dont think many many are likely to be turned on by it :'(

    i am putting up barriers to stop myself getting hurt, and i've given a few blokes a go since this all happened and each and every one has vanished after the first or second fuck, well maybe its not my body and i'm just crap in bed but given that i try my hardest i dont think thats any condolence :'(

    You're not damaged goods, honey. Granted, you're a woman who isn't fresh out of her packaging and has flaws and has gone through the biggest bodily change a woman ever will. You shouldn't expect yourself to look the way you did before having a child, though I know it's little consolation to hear that, and of course if it's getting you down then there's no point in trying to sweep it under the carpet. I don't know how excessive your excess skin problems are, but I would hazard a guess that even if they're not great it's not as bad as you think. I have my own flaws and parts of my body that get me down and that I'm sure would put anyone off in a second, but the only bloke who has ever, ever commented was the one who I pointed it out to. Men (and women, but that's not the point here) can see beauty in parts of the body that we ourselves don't even notice - or find hideous. But as long as you're so filled with loathing toward your body, no one else is going to be able to get close enough to love it and instill in you the confidence you so desperately need. It's a vicious circle. Looking good in clothes is a plus, be happy that you do (we all know there are people who don't ;) ) and maybe spend some time focusing on the parts of your body that you do like. Even if it's something as seemingly silly as your ankles - they're my favourite part of my body and I never feel silly getting them nekkid.

    As for men disappearing after one or two shags, I know how disheartening and soul-sapping that kind of experience can be. There's little worse. I'm not sure I can give you an all-too wonderful insight into the male pysche as far as this is concerned, but I'd guess there are a few reasons. Your self-esteem at the moment seems to be so low that I wouldn't be surprised if you were attracting the worst kind of predatory male. Sees you, knows that if he validates you in some way you'll be like putty in his hands, gets what he wants and does one. There are so many men like this, and so many more who'd say they aren't this way but when opportunity knocks... Then, on the flip side, there are so many men who aren't at all like this. It's obvious you're attracting the wrong ones, I guess you'll continue to do so until you build your self-worth, and when you're getting your self-worth from your success with men then it's going to be a long and rocky road. You need to realise that (and I know I sound like a self-help book here) you're worth a lot more than this. It's fair enough to enjoy sex and want to have it with these fellas, but if the motivation for sleeping with them (or sleeping with them in the time frame you do) is getting them to like and appreciate you more then it's the wrong way to go about it. I'd also guess that even if they do like you and want to continue to see you then they might be driven away by, again, this low self-esteem and your wondering why they like you. I've annoyed men in my past by rabbiting on about not deserving them and not being good enough etc - they seem to see this less as the woman being self-deprecating and more a slight about how good a judge of character they are. They're their own people, they'll be with who they want to be and I suppose it's understandable that if you're giving out "I'm not good enough" vibes they'll start to believe it too.

    You really need to aknowledge your good points. Skin is skin, it'll sag and droop for all of us, many of we women sooner than the males of the species. You're a loving, sensitive, woman/mother/potential lover and I can tell just from what you've written that you've got a lot to give. Don't devalue that just because you don't have the ideal body, we're none of us perfect. None. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    briggi thank you so much for your time and input, please when you go to sleep tonight, feel full of pride cos you dont actually know how much you've just helped a complete stranger, who is was very much in need xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My absolute pleasure :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What Briggi has said is absolutely true. Id guess your problems are more to do with your current "friend" messing with your head rather than physical problems, although I know its much easier to find fault in ourselves than in others.
    For what its worth, im someone who put on 4 stone in my last pregnancy and lost it again. Your body is rarely the same after a pregnancy, but sometimes you need to remember what your body has actually given you. Your stretchmarks are badges of honour in a way and there will be someone out there who wont just put up with the fact you have imperfections, but will just delight in your body. When I split up with my ex, I was absolutely petrified of someone new seeing me naked, but I neednt have worried.
    When you see a man with imperfections, do you feel disgusted, because I know I dont. NOBODY has the perfect body - in fact most peoples are far from it. You look good in clothes because YOU LOOK GOOD.
    I feel like I really understand to a certain extent because before i met my partner I felt like I had some hidden deformity, that i could attract people, but theyd be completely repulsed if they saw me naked. I think when you feel like that though, casual relationships are probably the worst thing you can do for your self esteem. You need the right person to come along and they will see you for the beautiful person you deserve to be seen as.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What Briggi has said is absolutely true. Id guess your problems are more to do with your current "friend" messing with your head rather than physical problems, although I know its much easier to find fault in ourselves than in others.
    For what its worth, im someone who put on 4 stone in my last pregnancy and lost it again. Your body is rarely the same after a pregnancy, but sometimes you need to remember what your body has actually given you. Your stretchmarks are badges of honour in a way and there will be someone out there who wont just put up with the fact you have imperfections, but will just delight in your body. When I split up with my ex, I was absolutely petrified of someone new seeing me naked, but I neednt have worried.
    When you see a man with imperfections, do you feel disgusted, because I know I dont. NOBODY has the perfect body - in fact most peoples are far from it. You look good in clothes because YOU LOOK GOOD.
    I feel like I really understand to a certain extent because before i met my partner I felt like I had some hidden deformity, that i could attract people, but theyd be completely repulsed if they saw me naked. I think when you feel like that though, casual relationships are probably the worst thing you can do for your self esteem. You need the right person to come along and they will see you for the beautiful person you deserve to be seen as.

    *applauds*

    That really gave me a lot to think about, too, Abbie. Excellent advice :thumb:

    What especially hit home was the part about thinking about your own body in the way you'd view the bodies of other people - of the same and opposite sex I suppose. I've always thought I'm very "forgiving" (not the right word as there's nothing to forgive, but I can't think of a better one) or even unfussed in terms of tolerating and even appreciating the physical flaws and imperfections of others.. all the while judging myself very harshly. I guess a lot of people are like that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    some more brilliant advice, especially about the casual things making things worse.

    i really dont know how to tackle meeting someone though and working out what they're after without coming across too heavy? I feel like i have to explain they arent gonna get laid just yet cos i'm not looking for anything casual, that usually makes men run a mile at the thought of anything serious that early on?

    i'm in this situation now, with a couple of different guys, both gorgeous and lovely, but younger than me - really dont know how to get past the stage where we've established we fancy each other but where we go from there ?

    seeing as there is a couple of advice oracles on here..........? lol

    you really are great on here though you dont know how much all this has helped me xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Damn, and I thought I was good at giving advice. Not as good as the ladies above.
    Have to say, I was reading with interest and what I read has given me a few things to think about. :thumb:

    From a guys perspective, Lexica, if I may, sometimes playing hard to get can work if you want to find out what a guy really thinks about you.
    Personally, a good tester question for me would be: "I know it's still early, but I really like you *name*, and I wouldn't mind getting to know you a little bit better." Then you give him the probing look. The answer will normally tell you how they feel, and you'll be able to see if they are honest or not.

    my 2 pence...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    they've given wonderful advice, but i am eager to hear a man's perspective.

    The problem is, if i were to say i really liked someone, how can i play hard to get?

    I agree that men do seem to want what they cant have, i've definitely learnt that - which i guess is another reason why i dont find it hard to attract them in the first place. Because of my issues the last thing i am looking for when i go out is male attention. But its finding the balance between expressing your interest in someone without coming across as being won over too easily?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lexica wrote:
    they've given wonderful advice, but i am eager to hear a man's perspective.

    The problem is, if i were to say i really liked someone, how can i play hard to get?

    I agree that men do seem to want what they cant have, i've definitely learnt that - which i guess is another reason why i dont find it hard to attract them in the first place. Because of my issues the last thing i am looking for when i go out is male attention. But its finding the balance between expressing your interest in someone without coming across as being won over too easily?

    The problem with playing "hard to get" or anything else is that it is essentially game playing, and I really wouldn't recommend that to anyone, least of all someone who isn't at their most confident right now. It brings about the huge risk of getting played yourself, which is obviously awful and most certainly not what you need. That said, men are very easily played if you fancy a bit of revenge shagging... but I just wouldn't advise you to get involved with any game players at this point, they'll more than likely systematically destroy your self-esteem while assuming you're just out for a giggle too.

    But yeah, basically, when you're showing someone you like them you need to take a kind of 'one step forward, two steps backward' approach - in every aspect from flirting to spending time together to complimenting them. It's difficult to express interest without coming on too strong with some men, as the thrill of the chase is a big part of it for a lot of blokes [and women, too]. I guess you just need to temper your warm, flirty, smiley interest in him with the aloof, carefree other part of you that he needs to see too. This all varies depending on where you're meeting these men, but in a club it's always a good idea to make your presence known and then disappear into the crowd, or having a dance with him and then doing one 'Cinderella-style' back to your mates. Though not too large a group of mates, even I'm intimidated by gaggles of girls so I assume a lot of men are too.

    If the situation you're in is a foundling relationship then I would say that it is ok to say you're not ready to sleep with him next. It'd go down like a lead balloon at kicking out time in a club, but if you're tentatively getting to know someone and spending some time together then I think it's a perfectly valid wish to express. In that circumstance then you can maybe even compromise to an extent, once you hear their reaction and how understanding they are you might decide you want to jump their sensitive, compassionate bones right there and then ;) or you might realise you need to show them the door. But I think you need to take your flirtations out of the clubs in order to begin asserting yourself and getting what you want out of these men as well as their getting what they want out of you. As for these two younger men; have you thought about asking them out for a coffee or a quiet drink? Lunch sometime? Or don't you feel comfortable with that right now?

    Anyway, like you say, because of the issues you have with yourself you don't actively seek male attention. That works in your favour, bizarrely, but it also means that - as I said before - you may well attract those leech-like men who are out for what they can get. If they see that you are having fun and looking good when they first approach and then you melt into a pool at their feet when they show you attention of course they're going to be interested in the short term. This is where it gets tricky, because I would hate to advise holding back sex or sexual activity as a means of getting more out of a man or a relationship - but in your circumstances I think it is essential to your self-worth that you do think carefully in the future before leaving with them or whatever. If you're doing it because you think that it'll cause them to like you more then forget it; if you do it because you want to get laid then go for it. But be clear in your own mind about what you want before you do it. The problem even with waiting a while in a new relationship is that you can still get played, and but good. I've made a fella wait a month and a half before in a new relationship and therefore felt that when we did sleep together we'd built up at least a good rapport and were having a laugh together. Turned out he'd just been biding his time and having a good craic on about it with his mates, I'd assumed that blokes wouldn't stick around that long just to do the fuck and chuck. They do. Moral of the story is that there's no way of telling who is going to fuck you over, who will wait and who is genuinely looking for a relationship... other than communication. Obviously you don't want to be starting deep and meaningfuls at 3am on Saturday morning (well, not usually) so maybe it'd be a good idea to cast your net a bit wider than the pubbing and clubbing scene if you haven't already. It's difficult, and I'm one to talk because it's how I've done the majority of my relationship-kindling in the past, but it's worth some thought.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    wise words as always xx

    the problem is being a mum is that i only get out once a fortnight, and so its only that night and the following day i have the freedom to be "a potential girlfriend" short of inviting them round on a week night but then thats either going to suggest the wrong thing, or be too "cosey" for a first date, or just be too boring for most guys my age.

    Probably another reason i'm still sleeping with my ex/bestmate/fuckbuddy as its so much easier, and despite all the things he's said in the past he is good to me now, granted he does my self esteem no good. Recent attempts at compliments would be for example, saying he was impressed with how long i danced, rather than how good i looked doing it, or when we went fancy dress and i had this well raunchy pirate costume and his attempt at a compliment was "it was very piratey" :rolleyes:

    Saying that again, the men who are good at boosting your ego are usually the quickest to crush it. As the charmers tend to be the players dont they? In my experience.

    Some times i wonder if it could work with my ex if i could just get what he said out of my head, but i cant and thats making me look elsewhere but i dont have the courage or confidence to go any further than that. But i guess the fact i'm even looking elsewhere means its a dead end with him doesnt it?

    God why is all of this so complicated, i've been told i think way too much about things but i cant help that, its just the way i am. Cant help thinking the way i am is going to be the ruin of me and stop me being happy with anyone :no:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thinking too much is a curse, definitely, especially in situations when you feel like it'd really do you good to just let loose and go with the flow. But remember that it's also part of the sensitive person that you are, and not a bad thing. It just doesn't really do you any favours when you're in a down and introspective funk, believe me a lot of people on here will be able to empathise with you on this. If we didn't think and overanalyse as much as we do then I'm pretty sure these boards would've sunk without a trace ages ago ;)

    As for your ex, I can't presume to know how you feel about him but my initial response would be to tell you to hold off on your "arrangement" until you've sorted out what you want. Trying to decide what you want from him and what he means to you while you're still sleeping together is going to be very difficult, if not impossible. Even if you're trying to keep your emotions as detached as possible, sex always muddies the waters a little... and especially if it's with someone you've had the other parts of a relationship with, too. Leaving aside the comfort and physical attention you get from keeping him close, do you actually still have loving feelings for him? I think the fact that you're looking elsewhere does show that you're really looking to backtrack into a romantic relationship with him, but it could just be a case of keeping your options open because you don't feel like he is going to give you what you want. You say that he's good to you, what do you mean by that? Because if he isn't making you feel good with his words and actions toward you then I can't really see what good he is doing you, other than giving you the closeness you crave. I guess you need to work out whether you crave closeness, romance, intimacy with him or just generally. If it's the former then maybe you need to take a babystep back and look at whether the relationship could work properly, once again. That probably does mean that you shouldn't continue to sleep with him until you know your mind. If it's the latter that you really want then I'd suggest cooling things with him as that's just yet another barrier to any new man coing into your life.

    With regard to confidence, I've come to realise that if you rely on the words and actions of men to keep your self-esteem afloat then you're on a road to nowhere. Maybe your ex just isn't good at giving compliments, it certainly sounds that way to me, rather than it being a case of his thinking you didn't look good or he hadn't noticed you on the dancefloor. I kind of get the feeling that even if he'd said you looked beautiful or sexy, or that he couldn't take his eyes off you on the dancefloor you'd still feel unfulfilled. I know that you know you looked and felt good in your fancy dress outfit and when you were strutting your stuff on the dancefloor, you probably felt euphoric until he brought you down with his below-par comments. That makes it clearer than anything else that you need to stop caring what he thinks, because until he made you think otherwise I'm sure you felt that you looked and moved really damn well. If you see what I mean.

    I don't think that inviting a bloke round on a weeknight gives the wrong impression, but obviously you'd want to know someone a little before inviting them into your family home. I see your problem with only having one night and the following day free, as the day after a night out seems very soon to be proposing a "date", not least because people are often pretty done in after a night on the town. I can't remember if you said how old your child is, but is there no opportunity for a couple of hours babysitting to pop into town for a coffee or something like that? I can imagine how difficult it must be, and how frustrated you must feel and why that must make it seem so easy and attractive to just slip back into old habits with your ex. There's no explaining or planning or awkward arrangements with failed babysitters and all that malarkey if they already know and understand you and your situation. Honestly, if I lived in Cornwall I'd offer to come and babysit myself :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lexica wrote:
    they've given wonderful advice, but i am eager to hear a man's perspective.

    The problem is, if i were to say i really liked someone, how can i play hard to get?

    I agree that men do seem to want what they cant have, i've definitely learnt that - which i guess is another reason why i dont find it hard to attract them in the first place. Because of my issues the last thing i am looking for when i go out is male attention. But its finding the balance between expressing your interest in someone without coming across as being won over too easily?

    Sorry, I should have been clearer. :)

    I meant that you could either "play hard to get" or actually tell him/them you like him/them.

    Personally, playing hard to get is part of the whole "courting process", and is bound to happen at some point, that is just my personal experience. I don't think it's a game, I see it as a surefire way of knowing how someone feels about me. It's only a game if you do it coz you want to play with him/her.

    As for your friend/fuckbuddy, I would try to keep away from them.
    I've recently lost a fuckbuddy, she is getting married in December and it suddenly dawned on me, shit I might actually have to get one of those relationship things people keep going on about :chin: .

    I haven't got my comfort zone anymore, and that's what it's about. Having your friend there is a comfort zone and you might (I say might) feel that if he doesn't have sex with you, no one will. Which is not true.
    Sometimes we need to take a leap of faith, however hard it is or however much our past experience tells us not to.
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