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Getting what's owed from my ex
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Basically me and my boyfriend of three years split up this last week. Things hadn't been going very well recently as it was and on Thursday we went out and got toasted and it ended up with him punching me, grabbing me by the hair and spitting in my face when I woke him up for work the next morning.
Naturally I threw him out and went to stay at my friends for the weekend (Which also happened to be my 21st birthday). I had a great weekend and was under the impression that he was going to be gone and all his stuff out of what was our flat which is shared. So I get back on Monday (which was my actual birthday) to get changed, shower etc before going back out and everything is still here. He then calls and says he's coming to pick up his stuff, he's waited until my flatmate has gone to work and I'm feeling cocky so I yeah sure.
He proceeds to turn up and be really....snippy. Like being subtly rude to me, doesn't wish me a happy birthday or anything tries to take some of my CD's and leaves loads of his stuff.
I leave fuming because the twat owes me £320 for his bike that he got when he moved here which he used for his cycle courier job. Naturally he took that and the birthday present I just bought him. He'd been staying here rent free and I feel stupid for it now even though more on principals than moneywise.
So today fuelled by rage and wanting to sort things out I sent him this e-mail
"I was going to do this over the phone but I know that were I to call you'd make me feel like shit and to be honest I know that I don't deserve it. So these are my regulations for collecting your things.
I want you to collect everything within the next 6 weeks. Anything after that is mine to keep and do with what I please.
As I know you still have your keys I will bag everything up and put it in the bedroom to which only I have the key so you can't fuck me over.
You can come over two times to collect stuff, the same amount that it took to bring it up.
You must ring 24 hours in advance to arrange to collect your stuff and must bring someone with you that I know as well. I don't want to be alone with you at all.
The first time you come to collect stuff you must first give me your door keys and at least HALF of the £320 you owe me. I don't want to hear any guilt trip stories about "I haven't got a job etc". That money was lent in good faith with the understanding that as soon as you started collecting from your courier job that you'd start paying me back immediately. I acknowledge of the money I lent you, you have paid back £80 one day and £160 another, only for me to lend you £60 of that back the same day. If you haven't any money that is not my fault, you've been earning for a good few months and had ample time to put some money away. I need this money as I will be moving soon and need to afford the deposit and first months rent.
And if you have any problems with this, that's your problem, you lost any right for me to have any respect for you the minute you punched me, spat in my face and told me you were going to smash my teeth in for just trying to wake you up.
Dani"
He then proceeds to reply saying I was making up that he'd hit me and it'd been me that had hit him etc. Continued the verbally abusive attack and didn't say that he would agree to these rules or anything. I would really like to be shot of him (the thing about moving is a lie, I don't want him to know where I live anymore) but I need that cash. I've lent him bigger sums of cash before and he always paid it back so I stupidly thought it'd be ok.
I've basically said he can't have his stuff until he gives me the cash and will lock the stuff in what was our bedroom (he may have keys to the house he doesn't have them to room and i've tried before to break in from the outside and it wouldn't work).
Do you reckon I'll get my cash back? Is this the right way to go about it, I wouldn't really have wanted to this to end so badly but he did that himself and everybody including his family know exactly what happened. Is it out of order to do this considering I've thrown him to the street (well his parents) he's had to quit his job etc? I'm not even sure anymore because he has this nasty streak that I've just realised now about making me feel bad even when things I do are justified.
Naturally I threw him out and went to stay at my friends for the weekend (Which also happened to be my 21st birthday). I had a great weekend and was under the impression that he was going to be gone and all his stuff out of what was our flat which is shared. So I get back on Monday (which was my actual birthday) to get changed, shower etc before going back out and everything is still here. He then calls and says he's coming to pick up his stuff, he's waited until my flatmate has gone to work and I'm feeling cocky so I yeah sure.
He proceeds to turn up and be really....snippy. Like being subtly rude to me, doesn't wish me a happy birthday or anything tries to take some of my CD's and leaves loads of his stuff.
I leave fuming because the twat owes me £320 for his bike that he got when he moved here which he used for his cycle courier job. Naturally he took that and the birthday present I just bought him. He'd been staying here rent free and I feel stupid for it now even though more on principals than moneywise.
So today fuelled by rage and wanting to sort things out I sent him this e-mail
"I was going to do this over the phone but I know that were I to call you'd make me feel like shit and to be honest I know that I don't deserve it. So these are my regulations for collecting your things.
I want you to collect everything within the next 6 weeks. Anything after that is mine to keep and do with what I please.
As I know you still have your keys I will bag everything up and put it in the bedroom to which only I have the key so you can't fuck me over.
You can come over two times to collect stuff, the same amount that it took to bring it up.
You must ring 24 hours in advance to arrange to collect your stuff and must bring someone with you that I know as well. I don't want to be alone with you at all.
The first time you come to collect stuff you must first give me your door keys and at least HALF of the £320 you owe me. I don't want to hear any guilt trip stories about "I haven't got a job etc". That money was lent in good faith with the understanding that as soon as you started collecting from your courier job that you'd start paying me back immediately. I acknowledge of the money I lent you, you have paid back £80 one day and £160 another, only for me to lend you £60 of that back the same day. If you haven't any money that is not my fault, you've been earning for a good few months and had ample time to put some money away. I need this money as I will be moving soon and need to afford the deposit and first months rent.
And if you have any problems with this, that's your problem, you lost any right for me to have any respect for you the minute you punched me, spat in my face and told me you were going to smash my teeth in for just trying to wake you up.
Dani"
He then proceeds to reply saying I was making up that he'd hit me and it'd been me that had hit him etc. Continued the verbally abusive attack and didn't say that he would agree to these rules or anything. I would really like to be shot of him (the thing about moving is a lie, I don't want him to know where I live anymore) but I need that cash. I've lent him bigger sums of cash before and he always paid it back so I stupidly thought it'd be ok.
I've basically said he can't have his stuff until he gives me the cash and will lock the stuff in what was our bedroom (he may have keys to the house he doesn't have them to room and i've tried before to break in from the outside and it wouldn't work).
Do you reckon I'll get my cash back? Is this the right way to go about it, I wouldn't really have wanted to this to end so badly but he did that himself and everybody including his family know exactly what happened. Is it out of order to do this considering I've thrown him to the street (well his parents) he's had to quit his job etc? I'm not even sure anymore because he has this nasty streak that I've just realised now about making me feel bad even when things I do are justified.
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Comments
hugs though, it sounds really shit for you.
Hey Dani, I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been through - you know, you have been really brave and I hope things start to look brighter for you now. I know it's really tough, but I have to agree with SCC, trying to get the money back will only tie you to this guy, and the important thing for you now is moving on.
Take good care of yourself
I'd make him post you the money then yo drop his stuff off to someone he knows, somewhere you feel safe.
Or instead of asking him to bring someone, make sure you have someone with you that can protect you.
Just let him get his stuff as easily and as fast as possible.
You may get your money back but I'd doubt it.
I had an ex who owed me £400 which I never ever got back, it's impossible to prove though.
I know this is a difficult situation for you likely very emotional too but saying things like the above isn't really the best way to make him do something for you. Try being less aggressive and more passive with your communication then hopefully he won't be responding with more anger instead perhaps a little more rational and reasonable.
Being even more sucky (sorry) but when lending people money you should be prepared to loose it.
The devil on my shoulder makes me inclined to second that, but really, I think I would've had him done for assault. Or at least tried. My boyfriend's cousin did something very similar to his ex and the repercussions for him have been enormous (and deservedly so).
As for the cash, I would demand it back (in full, why ask for half of it? It's all rightfully yours) and withhold his stuff until you get it, but the advice about changing the locks is good advice that you should follow as he sounds... unbalanced, at best.
If all else fails you could always demand the bike back or nick it* :razz:
*just kidding!
I seriously don't blame her for that though, all things considered.
Change the locks ASAP, and deffo don't even think about giving him his shit back till you've got the money off him.
Hope your alright and stuff.
Well done for chucking him out, though.
I would change the locks though, and when he does come by for his stuff, regardless of whether or not he has anyone with him, have at least one (if not two) people with you. Yes it might be a bit cramped, and a bit like he's got an audience, but it's your word against his over everything, and having a witness to every action with him will be useful if anything did happen.
The locks have been changed and although I really should, I am not going to press charges. I've not told my family what happened because firstly I'm embarrassed and secondly as they live so far away I don't want to worry them. Plus add to this I've got no proof that he did it, as I said, he wasn't sober enough to cause much damage the bruises have already started to fade.
And in the last week since it happened my life has been so much better. I've got some damned good friends and I've done stuff I would never have been able to do before. So all in all, it was a blessing in disguise.
Thanks again guys
XXX