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Taking a step back in a relationship

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Just wondering if you have ever been throught this.
I have been with my fella for bearly 4 years.We got engaged after a year and I moved in with him and his parents.
Recently we started feel more like friends and taking each other for granted really and not making the effrot anymore.
We tried to sort it but we seem to be stuck in a rut and it had got me really down.So we decided that maybe we could try me moving back to my mums and spending time apart.
So we have done.We have even called the engagement off as we really don't know whether we want to spend the rest of our lives with each other.
We haven't split up.We are kust taking a step back.
Iam however finding it difficult to accept.
Have you been through this and how has it turned out.

It is so wierd to go from being totally serious about each other to jyst going back to the start.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it will be hard, but its for the best. me+my partner got stuck in a rut too, it happens aftyer uve been 2geva for so long. But talk about it, and i found it was god to try to go new places. We also said that we'de set 1 nite apart every month and go for a ncie meal 2geva!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So... quite apart from being a step back, it seems to me this is a step backwards. As in, your relationship is going backwards. The normal progression of a relationship is towards it becoming more serious, if it's going to last. Where do you go from here, apart from eventually back into the same situation you're in now? I'm not sure what you hope to achieve and can't help wondering if you're just giving yourself a breathing space before it all fizzles out, instead of just calling it a day here and now.

    Do you see any future in this relationship?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for your replies.
    The night out once a month has been suggested but it seems to always be me who takes the initiative to do things.

    About our future,it is dodgy at the minute.I don't want to just end it because I don't want to give up yet.We still love each other and don't want it to end so we just have try and sort things out.
    We have said that we may get back to now eventually but we are not thinking that far yet.We are just taking it one step at a time and hope things get better.

    I am really scared though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    have you tried talking to him about how you feel its always you coming up with ideas etc. i felt like this, ike it was always me suggesting things+making the effort, but my fella didnt realise that i felt this way until i sat hm down+told him. From then on things have been lots better!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We have spoke about it and he doesn't know why and he finds it hard to get out of it.
    Sounds like he's lost interest doesn't he?

    Maybe I will have to just accept it....but the thing is when we are apart he ssays he misses me and loves me but then when we are back together it's like we are just mates.The only time when he is really affectionate is when he is after sex.

    He isn't nasty to me or anything but the way he acts he seems like he has lost interest and we both don't understand why!!!

    Just got to wait and see.

    Thanks
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miffy wrote:
    So... quite apart from being a step back, it seems to me this is a step backwards. As in, your relationship is going backwards. The normal progression of a relationship is towards it becoming more serious, if it's going to last. Where do you go from here, apart from eventually back into the same situation you're in now? I'm not sure what you hope to achieve and can't help wondering if you're just giving yourself a breathing space before it all fizzles out, instead of just calling it a day here and now.

    Wise words :yes:
    Do you see any future in this relationship?

    That's definitely the question you need to ask yourself, and be completely honest with yourself. Are you trying to make it work because you can see the two of you being in a much better place xx weeks or months down the line, or because you're clinging onto the memories of the fantastic way it was before? It's so hard to let go of a relationship when there are so many shared experiences and there is so much time and emotion invested, but you can only decide if it's worth it once you know if there's a chance of going onto bigger and better things together or if the best you're ever going to have is the way you were before. I'm not saying that what you had before wasn't good or great, but as Miffy so aptly said relationships are by nature supposed to progress and become more serious with time. Only the two of you know which of those situations you're in and whether this is an honest-to-goodness breather for the health of the relationship, or just treading water until one of you makes a break.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you very mcuh.
    They are really good questions actually.I will think about that.
    I need to speak to him.The thing is it's always me that brings up these conversations whereas he would rather just get on with it and so I feel like I am nagging.I want to just it light hearted and not think too much but I want more than that.I want to be serious.

    Thanks again.You advice has put things into perspective.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think you may be me in disguise!!!!
    seriously though, i know it feels like nagging, so tell him so. explain to him that you feel like the relationship is 1 sided, and unless he puls his finger out, then you aren't sure how much future there is in the relationship! this should make him think!
  • NellieNellie Posts: 9 Confirmed not a robot
    Hi CHEEKy

    You've been really brave taking the initiative and moving back home. It's good to have time to reflect on your relationship and it's so easy to just go along with things as they are despite knowing that things aren't quite right.

    Sadly, it is often the case that relationships lose their excitement. It's so easy to fall into the trap of taking the other person for granted. Although there are ways of working through this and making your relationship a success, you need to decide whether you really think there is hope for your relationship with this guy. If you do want to try and work things through, it is important to communicate effectively with one another. By doing this you can discuss how you both feel openly and honestly. If you decide that you want to try and work things through then you can discuss ways of making your relationship more exciting. Perhaps you could both write lists of things that you feel are lacking in your relationship and then work together to try and come up with solutions.

    However, it is also the case that you have been together for nearly 4 years. That's a long time. In that time both of you have probably changed and it could just be that you want different things. Check out this link, it may help you decide whether this is the case.

    As you say yourself, maybe you will just have to accept that the relationship is over. Take this opportuntiy to seek out friends and enjoy having your freedom for a bit. Things will be hard at first but in time it will get easier. You may find that you can do more things for yourself now too. Being with someone for four years and living with him and his parents probably meant you had to curtail a number of things that you would like to do for yourself. This is a brilliant opportunity to do just that. Good luck!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you Nellie for the advice.
    I will keep you posted what happens regarding this.
    Like I say,he does care but he's seems to just have lost the will to make the effort.
    We do get on but like I said it is one sided as regards to who is more bothered.Anyways.
    I won't start repeating myself and go on.

    Thanks again
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think my views tend to make me lean towards the thought that living with the guys parents cant be all that good
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    MrG wrote:
    i think my views tend to make me lean towards the thought that living with the guys parents cant be all that good

    Surely that depends on what the parents are like?

    Cheeky, Louis de Bernieres put it much better than I ever could when he said,

    "Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well,just an update....
    It has been over a week now since I have moved out and it isn't going well really.
    It might be me being oversensitive but I don't feel things are going well.
    We have had 2 outings;last Wed and on Sunday and both we have just seemed like mates.
    He says that he thinks it went well but I told him I don't want to see him unless we are going to be couple becasue it hurts when I am with him and all we do is being matey.
    He says he has tried but is still finding it difficult to act out what he feel.He says he misses me and loves me still can't show it properly.He has made the effort last Friday as he ran for half an hour just to meet me after work which was really nice but then it got to Sunday,there was no lovey-doveyness.

    He is ill at the moment and all I want to do is hold him.I did last night and I went to surprise him to see him and he liked it.I was hoping he would ask me to stay and I did hunt and then he said he would but he doesn't want ot think that everything is ok?What is that meant to mean?

    Today at dinner I called and told him I missed him and that I wanted to see him and then he said...why didn't you and I said I don't know where I stand so I don't want to keep seeing you if you don't want.At the moment he has not asked to see him,it's alway...it's up to you.
    I said that to him beofre and said if you want me to then ask and I'll come and then he changed the subject.

    Am I thinking too much or should I just cool off and just wait for him to make the moves?
    I have thought about it but i don't want him to think I don't care.

    Thanks for listening again
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just tell him simply, if you want to see me, call me.

    That way, it will tell you if he really wants to see you or not, don't come running to him, as much as you want to.
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