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is snooping wrong? :(

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
ok i'll keep this brief as possible.

when i was 17 i fell for this older guy (then 22) and looking back he never liked me as much as i did him.we pulled a couple of times and he was quite cowardly as to why we didnt go out (i dont have the time for a relationship, i want to be by myself etc etc) which i bought because i was young. he finally got with another girl and i was really crushed because 2 days previosu he had blown me off with the same excuses. anywho i went to uni and we stayed acquaintances on and off tho i moved on with my life and relationships and all was rosy...now im 21. in march we started talking more often, emailing, flirting and by may it seemed that we both had changed a great deal.

he wanted to start seeing me but i was wary but thought id give it a shot.he has been a perfect gentleman for 2 months and it was all ideal until his phone had a message the other day. we have identical phones and i absent mindedly picked it up and the message was a reply to something he had sent in the like of 'dont worry she's going away soon anyway' (im travelling in about a month) curious i had a quick snoop in his sent box and there were at least 5 messages ranting about this big chat we had had a few days previous, how dull it was, how he didnt need that kind of emotional stuff right now. i was outraged and told him we shouldnt see each other any more but out of shame of my snooping, blagged my imminent travelling as a reason. i'm not regretting my decision but now he is texting saying he doesnt understand and wud like to meet up. do i admit the truth or keep on lying? urk. any advice...

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah, of course you should snoop. I mean why bother trusting anyone, that's just silly.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lol so do i tell him what i know and risk making him angry? he wants answers :nervous:

    its such a shame cos i really have enjoyed these past months but then im not standing for that crap either :no: lol
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    May as well tell him, it'll come out eventually.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    I don't understand this behaviour... since he's obviously not interested in you why does he keep talking??
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    we do get on well, really well, but when we're alone. either the twat wants sex for another month, or is trying to look like a big man in front of his friends when he isnt emotionally mature enough to deal with basic relationship functioning, and thus rants and twists the truth so he cant be blamed for anything. WHERE do i find these guys? it worries me we get on so well!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ypu've realised he's no good for you, so if you dont want to tell him then dont. tell him he did the same thing to you all those years ago, so now he knows how it feels, if he starts geting funny with you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hmmm good point. thanks for all ur help (tho if anyone else wants to chip in feel free) :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah I would say snooping is wrong... either you trust the person or you dont, if you dont then you shouldnt be with them anyway.

    In your case though, it sounds like a genuine mistake which lead you to find it out, so I wouldnt really worry about it. As the others have said... sounds like you might be better off without him anyway!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you should tell him. As JamesZero said it was a mistake of how you came over this text message. And by the sounds of it he sounds like a right twat so when you do tell him, say to him "I don't want any contact with you again". Because he sounds like he is just using you for sex.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If I saw a suspect text on the wife's phone I'd bloody well snoop too.

    I think the writing's on the wall here. Trust is great, you should trust your partner, but the fact that this man is completely untrustworthy is not your fault.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kermit wrote:
    If I saw a suspect text on the wife's phone I'd bloody well snoop too.

    I think the writing's on the wall here. Trust is great, you should trust your partner, but the fact that this man is completely untrustworthy is not your fault.
    :yes: tbh
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yup what Kermit said.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    im sure you had an idea that it wasnt your phone before reading the message but i know, when the temptations there it really is tempting! ive snooped, quite a few times actually. there has to be doubts there to begin with feel the need to snoop though imo
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    a bit of snooping always makes me feel better coz im like 'aaah, i don't have anything to worry about and i'm right to trust him :D'
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have very strong feelings about snooping through someone's personal possessions, but if you feel like you can't trust this guy anyway, and had a reason to want to look in his things, are you really doing yourself a favour by sticking around and opening yourself to more pain?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i dont think someone not being 100% trusting all the time is any reason to say they shouldnt be with someone tbh. Trust is fab, but it can come and go, be stronger or weaker because of all different things, not just because someones acting sneaky. Its not a bad thing to be mistrustful of someone who appears to be acting a bit dodgy. We have instinct for a reason. It just depends whether its reasonable doubt or not and whether it takes over your life or is ruining your relationship or is completely unfounded.

    Ive been in the situation in the past where i felt i didnt trust my partner. he acted so suspicious, it turned me into someone i didnt want to be tbh, he made me feel like i was going mad - "surely i should have trusted him". Turns out i was right all along. I knew deep down that it wasnt me though. Id never been a jealous person before, and tbh, i havent since.
    Theres also been times more recently where i havent been trusted and its been unfounded. Ive been snooped on, but i know the reasons why its been hard for him to trust, and ive been patient and understanding, and not hidden anything, and now the trust is as near to 100% as were likely to get I think.
    Im glad he never thought, well i dont feel 100% trusting, maybe i shouldnt be with her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I totally agree with what Kermit said.

    But on a personal note I would be horrified if my boyfriend looked in my phone, despite having nothing to hide. I'd never snoop at his messages either, though I suppose I can understand people's motivation at times. I do think it completely undermines the point of trusting your partner and the idea of complete trust in a relationship; but - of course - life's not always black and white like that.

    In this case I think the end justifies the means; you're well shot of him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Perhaps not, but I've always seen snooping as a lose lose situation. If you find something you don't like, you get upset. You can either then not say anything, and let that eat you up, or say something, and risk the wrath as well, snooping was done. The OPs situation had only just got back off the ground, not like it was long term etc (not meaning to say it's any less significant) so in my mind, prolonging pain for someone who, to be frank, doesn't sound like a very nice chap is a shame.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    go_away wrote:
    . The OPs situation had only just got back off the ground, not like it was long term etc (not meaning to say it's any less significant) so in my mind, prolonging pain for someone who, to be frank, doesn't sound like a very nice chap is a shame.
    for sure.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hmm..thanks guys. i agree on the whole with what you're advising, i do feel bad for snooping but at the same time the text really shocked me and like suzycreamcheese said, i'm not usually this jealous or would think of myself to behave in such a way but i did...so clearly not a healthy sign! i think whatever his reasons im going to be shot of him so if it seems unavoidable i'll have it out with him but otherwise im not risking a name of bunny boiler being spread all over town, i'll probably just walk away.

    x
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