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anorexia

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
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  • PearlyPearly ********* Posts: 345 The Mix Regular
    It sounds like you are being a really good friend and by giving him the numbers and addresses of the EDA as that's a really good step towards getting him to call for help, if he hasn't already.

    You said he has admitted he has anorexia, so even though he is shy, maybe if he is able to do this you could give it another go at talking to him about why he doesn't like eating?

    I know it must be scary to do this if he seems really sensitive about it, but there's only one of two things that can happen - he can talk or he won't. If he doesn't want to, I'm not really sure about if it's a good idea to talk to his supervisor as he may be upset you haven't come to him first, but then again -I'm guessing that if he is this thin as you say he is that their supervisor would have noticed it anyway and could say they were personally worried about him and leave you out of it.

    Maybe you could casually mention it your friend to go to their GP if it's at a time when they look tired or ill? You could say it's because you're worried about him being really tired and so on and you think it might be an idea to get a routine check up. Try and make it sound like a normal thing and that you used to go when you were ill and it helped. I'm no expert on anorexia in the slightest but deep down I'm sure he wants to be better?

    By seeing the doctor it may help him to get further help, especially if the doc says he is dangerously overweight. Good luck and let us know how he gets on....

    This article may also be of help

    http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/eatingdisorders/helpingafriend
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Pearly wrote:
    By seeing the doctor it may help him to get further help, especially if the doc says he is dangerously overweight. Good luck and let us know how he gets on....

    If he's five stone then I doubt thats what the dr will say to him...

    On a more helpful note, I do think you should try and talk to him again. If someone is that ill then they are not thinking clearly and sometimes need someone to take a bit of control. I'm not saying that person is you, but maybe telling his superviser would be a step in the right direction.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    at the end of the day, he is the only person who can help himself. until he's willing to admit he has a problem i doubt you can do much about it tbh. i wouldn't think there would be much point mentioning it - i'm sure everyone can see with their own eyes whats up with him. even if you mention it as a concern, there isn't much anyone else can do about it either. i'm sure there is a cuntselling service at your uni - but again, its useless until he admits he has a problem - and he might not be one for talking anyway. if you want to help him, i guess the only thing you can do is be there for him, but thats all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would talk to the superviser, it may be a slight betrayal of his confidence, but it does sounds serious.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    otter wrote:
    at the end of the day, he is the only person who can help himself. until he's willing to admit he has a problem i doubt you can do much about it tbh. i wouldn't think there would be much point mentioning it - i'm sure everyone can see with their own eyes whats up with him. even if you mention it as a concern, there isn't much anyone else can do about it either. i'm sure there is a cuntselling service at your uni - but again, its useless until he admits he has a problem - and he might not be one for talking anyway. if you want to help him, i guess the only thing you can do is be there for him, but thats all.

    This, sadly, is the truth. There is not a sausage you can do for him unless he wants you to.

    Going behind his back would generally be a bad idea. It would probably just make him more secretive and deceptive, which is not a good position to be in, cause then you really have no idea how he really is. A big part of anorexia is control, and if he feels the control is being taken from him, there's no telling how he might react.

    I would recommend talking to him again. Ask him questions, open questions, so he can't just 'no...no...no..' you. Tell him you're worried about how he is. Tell him you understand some of the things he's going through cause you've been through them too, you're worried he might die, and you want to be there for him if he needs someone.

    After that, you can do nothing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just don't force him into doing anything/talking to anyone he doesn't want to.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sophia wrote:
    It's probably one of the toughest dilemmas I've ever been in tbh, made so much harder by the fact I don't know him well at all, and my first instinct would probably be not to interfere if he doesn't ask for help. But I doubt he ever would, so I have to at least give it another go.

    It's a horrible situation all round, really. But I think your plan is a good one. Anorexia is such a solitary illness that I think it would be way more beneficial to him to have someone he feels he can trust and that he could go to for help, even if he never chooses to than someone pressuring him and knocking him out of his comfort zone.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes, kinda. It's a toughie. I've got all sorts of eating issues, body image issues and food issues all tied up together. It's all tied in with my emetophobia too. Very messy. Officially my records state something like 'eating disorder/eating phobia'. They thought that covered everything. I just think it makes me sound mental.

    I have been 'better' for about 5 years now. I changed because I wanted to, essentially. There were a good few years when I actually wanted to be ill, and was doing it all on purpose. Then I decided I was being ridiculous and wanted to get better but was too scared to. Then I grew balls, decided there was a lot of stuff I was scared of, and if i was going to let it all control me I'd have a piss poor life.

    However, when I was about 16 and actually contemplating recovery, one of my friends grassed me up to my mum, who then dragged me to the doctor, which pissed me off so much I actively stopped eating again, and didn't contemplate recovery again for a good few years, which is why I feel so strongly about not going behind your friend's back :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aye, it's horrible, but true.

    Although you are able to make him feel like someone gives a shit, whether he chooses to get better, or not. I think that's pretty powerful.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    as has been said here, going behind his back will prob hurt him more. i have had anorexic periods and found i could not even go for coffee with my friends for fear id have some milk, though officially im bulimic and i know the diseases are very different. i cant exactly talk, but the thing that pushed me out of those was the realisation that maybe i could do something with my life, and i wanted to do something other than starve and exercise. he must be much further in than i have been, but i would suggest, instead of mentioning the illness, try to find a spark in him. there must be something he enjoys, maybe that could become an ambition. he may realise for himself he cant do it without recovery. try to show him he is capable of being more than a slave and that he DESERVES just a little time and energy for himself. then he would want to recover. he may move his obsession on to that other thing, but by that time he'd be getting professional help at least. i just pray there is something he enjoys.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you just have to be there for him (if you want to be) without pressuring him to get better. Thats the worst thing you can do.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If he's as shy as you say he is this is probably all tied up with his reasons behind his eating disorder - possibly low self esteem, or family issues? Take it slowly. What he probably needs more than anything is a friend, but doesn't quite know how to make them. Don't expect him to be best friends in two minutes, but keep popping by to say 'hi', ask him along if you're popping out somewhere, or if there's anything you can get him from the shops etc etc. As he becomes more familiar with you he might open up a bit more and realise he can trust you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds positive. I wish him well, anyway. :)

    And if he doesn't get better, don't beat yourself up about things you could or should have done. Just remember that by the time someone is as far gone as him, they have enough doctors and counsellors and family and whatever getting on at them, and he must get a lot of comfort from having a good friend. Gets awfully lonely being your own nemesis.
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