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break up + lonely
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I feel lost 
My boyfriend and I were having problems and broke up about a week and a half ago. I didnt exactly take it well, but he seems to be over it already. We met up the other day, as friends, and were able to talk really freely etc and it was nice. But he is meeting another girl tomorrow and I cant handle it.
He is so attractive and lovely, I dont want to be without him. After 4 years together, he is really all Ive got. Or had. I dont have many friends and only see the ones I do have very occasionally.
I just feel scared. I feel Ill never be with someone again. Noone compares to him it seems. I dont know what to do with myself. Im so lonely.
Any advice on how to make myself feel better? :banghead:
My boyfriend and I were having problems and broke up about a week and a half ago. I didnt exactly take it well, but he seems to be over it already. We met up the other day, as friends, and were able to talk really freely etc and it was nice. But he is meeting another girl tomorrow and I cant handle it.He is so attractive and lovely, I dont want to be without him. After 4 years together, he is really all Ive got. Or had. I dont have many friends and only see the ones I do have very occasionally.
I just feel scared. I feel Ill never be with someone again. Noone compares to him it seems. I dont know what to do with myself. Im so lonely.
Any advice on how to make myself feel better? :banghead:
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Comments
(1) Get back in contact with all the friends you used to see way more of before you started seeing your boyfriend.
(2) Arrange to do stuff with them. Socialise more, try to widen your circle of friends and generally keep yourself busy.
(3) Give yourself some space from your ex. If you want to stay friends that's great, but I find it's generally best to cut contact with them for a month or two till you're over them.
I can give you the following advice, which really helped me to get over my ex. Firstly, lean on the friends you have. I hated doing this at first because felt that I was being such a burden. I didn't really know them that well and was suddenly trying to hang out with them quite a bit, and asking them to be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on, when what had I ever done for them? But if you think about it and the situation was reversed, one of your friends came to you and wanted to spend time with you because she'd just split up with her long-term boyfriend, wouldn't you feel sad for her and want to help her, even though you hadn't been that close with her in the past? That's what my 'friends' said to me, that even though we didn't know each that well we were still friends and that's what friends do, they help each other out. So get in touch with your friends, tell them you need them, and you'll probably find you aren't as alone as you think.
Secondly, never say no to an opportunity, especially if it involves getting out of the house and doing something. Maybe your friends will invite you over, maybe you see an ad for an event or activity you fancy going along to, maybe you have a free evening and figure you could go down to the local pub. Or you could invite your friends out and round for dinner. Even if you don't really feel like going out or doing anything, make the effort. This is especially with friends because the more you say no, the less likely you are to get included in their plans, and the less you initiate contact with them, the less they're going to initiate contact with them. But even if it's just an evening in your local pub, even if you just sit by yourself in the corner all evening, the more often you do that the more known you'll get by other locals and you could end up making some new friends. Besides, it's better than sitting at home by yourself and moping about your ex.
Thirdly, a lot of people say that you can't stay friends with an ex after a break up. That's not true in all cases because me and my ex did. We both felt that after spending so much time together it would be too hard not to see each other - also it would have been very difficult because all the people we knew were mutual friends. My advice is, that when you want to see him or speak to him, think hard about whether you actually need to do it or would just like to. If you would just like to, do something else instead. You can't stay reliant on him as your best friend, but you can make it a gradual process by slowly cutting down on how much contact you have with him, rather than going cold turkey and cutting contact with him altogether. You need to talk about your feelings and if he's willing to be there for you, take him up on the offer - like I said, never pass up an opportunity.
You might find it useful to write down your feelings, maybe in an online journal like LiveJournal. I found that I kind of needed to say the same things over and over, so instead of just relying on friends, I would type everything out and by doing that, by explaining the situation on the computer screen, I found new angles of looking at why I was feeling the way I was feeling and as a result, I was able to rationalise it and deal with it more effectively.
Finally, don't be tempted to do anything with him 'for old time's sake'. Friendship is ok but you must keep it platonic or no good will come of it.
Hope that helped and please PM me if you need to talk.
Dont try to feel better just try to deal with the pain. Your going to have to get over this guy, try to do everything to get over him. Four years Oh my gosh thats like a life-time with someone. Dont get into a relationship right now, just try to go out with your friends as much as possible. And you cant talk to him because you'll think that you have a chance of getting together, when you dont.
Im off out to meet my friend now, so hopefully that will take my mind off it for a bit or give me someone to talk to about it.
Im just not interested in another relationship, or even a quick fling with someone, at all. Im just not attracted to anyone else. Do other people feel like this when they break up? I suppose people do move on eventually...
I dunno. Ive got a bad feeling he is always going to be "the one that got away"
Yeah, my parents always seem to do that when I'm feeling proper down. Bloody parents.
I really dont want another one though. Thats the point
Today is seriously shit. Im going back to bed...
Follow wildchild's advice, that really is good stuff there. That's pretty much what I did and it really helped.
By using my friends and family and making the most of my life as a single person I would say that I was comfortable with the situation after baout 2 months. Of course it took me a lot longer to get over her, but after 2 months I would say that I could discuss what had gone on without feeling bad about it or getting upset.
Also, the fact I hadn't (and still haven't) had any contact whatsoever with her hepled a LOT!
Good luck!
I was wondering if I might do some stuff on my own, like go to the cinema, but maybe that would make me feel more lonely! Hmmm. I used to go to gigs alone and survived...I just want out of the house!
Yes, I had times like that too, particularly in the first couple of weeks.
In that case I would say just keep yourself busy, especially things that involve contact with other people, even small things like offering to do the grocery shopping for you nan or somehting (I did my parents shopping and ironing, pretty lame, but it helped to take my mind off things). If you've got a lot of free time then look for things to fill it such as evening classes or a hobby (I started going to the gym).
I would say avoid going to the cinema, especially if it's something you would have done with your ex. I know I wouldn't have been able to handle that. I would have just sat there looking at other couples and feeling lonely.
Of course you don't, it's too soon. It's like, when you're eight you're not interested in boys, and you can't ever imagine being interested in boys because they're annoying and smelly and stuff. But sure enough, a few years later you were proved wrong, boys were interesting after all! And the same is true now... you might not feel like you'll ever want someone else, but give it time and you will, believe it or not.
Exercise is good because it releases endorphins which make you feel (at least temporarily) happy. It's lovely weather at the moment, you could go jogging, walking, cycling or swimming if you don't have much money to spend.
Im freaking out. Help?
dont look
easier said than done of course
this is why you keep friends outside the relationship too.
Most girls I know neglect this and stand there alone when it's over with their boyfriend. Let this be a lesson to you.
Well, you NEED friends except your ex-bf. Just ask someone from your work if he/she fancies a movie or ANYTHING... keep yourself busy, around other people.
fuck that, dont bother with that shit. I was in the same boat a while ago but i've been single since last october, it was rough but i've made it this far. Im still single and somedays I enjoy the freedom other days it sucks balls. All i can say is ignore him and as people have said before keep yourself busy. Luckily I live in a house with a few of my mates during term time, they helped a great deal. Just try and go out and socialise. Meeting new people and enjoying yourself will help
Now during our relationship I learned that she had a girlfriend in high school and considered herself Bi. She convinced me over the 2 years that we were so close that she was completely in love with me and wanted to be married to me and have kids and the whole 9 yards.
In late May we moved in together and we were still working on getting our closeness back after what happened in March. She started a new job at a care facility (she is an LVN) and she made friends with a 36 year old Lesbian nurse. When she first told me about it I was rather threatened and I let her know that I fully expected the lesbian to work on her and try to take her from me. She started hanging out with her more and more and I noticed that we stopped being intimate and we started feeling more and more distant.
The first week of this month (July) I called her on some of our issues and she said she was confused and feeling like she was young and wanted to have fun without the guilt. She also said she was struggling with her sexuality. A few days later she told me she wanted to end our relationship so she could enjoy going out etc. I tried for a week to talk to her and work things out and then I asked her if she was starting something with the 36 year old lesbian friend and she said she was.
I am completely destroyed with all of this. She wanted me to stay living with her but I decided I needed to move so I am moving out of the area to stay with family and work on some things I need to do for myself (education and work). She was very mad at me for wanting to move away.
Right now I am trying to cut back on communication with her because she is now saying that she regrets what she did and would go back and change it if she could, but she doesn't want to hurt this new person so she feels trapped. She tells me she misses me and made the biggest mistake of her life. She still tells me she loves me when we talk.
This weekend I was left a flirting comment on a girls page who happens to have been a friend of mine for 8 or so years and Stephanie was furious. I saw her yesterday when i went to get some things and she was crying the whole time and can't stand to think of me moving on and being with another woman. She had the nerve the other day to tell me to keep inside myself somewhere the possibility of having a future together someday, and then quoting the saying, if you love something let it go and see if it comes back.
Last night I went to her myspace site when i knew i shouldn't and she posted some pictures of her and her gf and it made me feel sick. Yesterday she left me a voicemail that made me want to throw my phone in the pool. She asked me for a computer favor and then she said all in one breath "I am on my way to stockton" (which is where her new gf lives) "It was really nice to see you this morning, I love you"
I am going nuts, I love her with all my heart and planned on being with her forever. I am very loyal and I would have never strayed. This is the second long term relationship in a row that has ended with me being cheated on and then left for someone else instead of a second cheat. I feel that I will compare any woman I meet to Stephanie and I am afraid that I will not have that close relationship and complete love again.
I am afraid it will be hard for me to trust again.
Robert
That REALLY sucks. I fucking hate myspace. It is a great site in theory, but the reality of it is just disgusting. My ex has all these 16 year olds morons telling him how hot he is, blah blah, but he freaked when one boy gave me one X. One minute he is telling me to leave him alone and im horrible, the next he is saying he misses me
Not all girls cheat. I know I never, ever would, so don't lose faith in relationships and girls completely. I'm thinking of moving to Australia to get away from all of this. Each day is different. Yesterday was good, but today at work I felt sick because I was letting my mind wander. I've gotta get away from here and the situation.
I hope you're gonna be alright. It's been 3 weeks now since my split and it does get easier. Keep in touch!
I am very sad and depressed but hopefully with time and lack of contact with her it will get better. Thanks for responding and I am sure you and I will both manage to make it through and be happy again.
Rob
Yeah we are in contact too, but it's getting harder and harder. I'm not convinced it will last. I'm feeling depressed and sad too. PM for a moan anytime! We can be sad-sacks together!
Hope the U-haul went okay!