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i have a problem
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
... with drinking. When I was 17/18 I went into AA. It was either that or NA. I didn't want anything illegeal to be associated with myself so I chose AA. When I was younger I'd do anything for a buzz. If I didn't have the money for coke or weed (my drugs of choice) I'd do anything else to try. I tried everything OTC from anti motion sickness pills for a trip to cold medicine. It turned bad quick and didn't last long. Alcoholism runs in the family as does addictive personalities (I'm not blaming it on that though, I blame it on that I am weak) so I went for help.
Not long after I left I started smoking again. Moved and started with the rest. Back into the other drugs. Anything but "normal" is all that felt good. Its the only thing that made me happy.
Now, I've met a man, I have good job and I'm not owing people money, in fact, I have some to spare, but the feeling hasn't changed. Only one thing has. I don't do the drugs anymore. I get tested about once a month. So instead, I do the only legal thing. I drink. I drink lots.
We have 20oz glasses. I pour my vodka in, then a can of pop. It reaches the very very tip, sometimes overflowing; that equeling on average 6oz of vodka per glass. On days when I try very hard, I can have one. Most days I need at least two.
When I say need, its want, and a bit of need. I have one straight shot before work (I work M-F) By the time I come home, I am literally shaking. Its the only thing I can think about. I know its a problem.
I drink because I can't do anything else. I dont like to feel sober. I get bored, I get irratable, I get shakey, I can't stand it. I know I need help but I don't know how.
I'm afraid to tell the boyfriend too. I pretend I'm fine around him, he pretends I'm fine too. Though he gives me looks every time I open the cubbord. AA didn't work before, could it now? I don't want to quit drinking, I don't want to be the person who has to drink a water on a night out with the girls (though I don't have any anyways so what does it matter) I just want to be in control. I want to be in control of this one aspect. I can't. I tried, I couldn't make it more than a day. I tried several times and failed. I don't kow what else to do.
Not long after I left I started smoking again. Moved and started with the rest. Back into the other drugs. Anything but "normal" is all that felt good. Its the only thing that made me happy.
Now, I've met a man, I have good job and I'm not owing people money, in fact, I have some to spare, but the feeling hasn't changed. Only one thing has. I don't do the drugs anymore. I get tested about once a month. So instead, I do the only legal thing. I drink. I drink lots.
We have 20oz glasses. I pour my vodka in, then a can of pop. It reaches the very very tip, sometimes overflowing; that equeling on average 6oz of vodka per glass. On days when I try very hard, I can have one. Most days I need at least two.
When I say need, its want, and a bit of need. I have one straight shot before work (I work M-F) By the time I come home, I am literally shaking. Its the only thing I can think about. I know its a problem.
I drink because I can't do anything else. I dont like to feel sober. I get bored, I get irratable, I get shakey, I can't stand it. I know I need help but I don't know how.
I'm afraid to tell the boyfriend too. I pretend I'm fine around him, he pretends I'm fine too. Though he gives me looks every time I open the cubbord. AA didn't work before, could it now? I don't want to quit drinking, I don't want to be the person who has to drink a water on a night out with the girls (though I don't have any anyways so what does it matter) I just want to be in control. I want to be in control of this one aspect. I can't. I tried, I couldn't make it more than a day. I tried several times and failed. I don't kow what else to do.
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Comments
AA doesn't work that way.
Do they just try to make you cut out drinking completely or something?
http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/?Media=PlayFlash
good luck, you are doing the right thing to want to control it.
and i agree with sofie that talking to your boyfriend might be a good idea - if he is looking at you funny every time you open the cupboard then there might end up being problems of him trusting what you are doing, better to be out in the open about it all. He could help you with your cutting down as well.
What an open and honest post that was. It often takes people with alcohol problems years to admit it to themselves, so the fact that you've done that - and admitted it to us as well is incredible. It also sounds like you've sought a great deal of help already, which is also a positive step - after all, no one can beat the booze unless they put their mind to it.
Just because one type of treatment hasn't suited you, it doesn't mean there isn't something out there that will help you to stop. I'd try calling a helpline, such as Drinkline (tel: 0800 917 82 82), to start with. They'll be able to listen and give you some advice on what to do next. Also, take a look at our article on overcoming a drink problem and try talking to your GP if you feel able.
As others have said, talking to your boyfriend is a really good idea. If you don't know how to get the right words out, you could print out this thread for him to read, or write it again in your own words to tell him. It sounds like he's got an idea anyway, so he'd probably rather you told him than he has to get it out of you. Having his support could give you the extra strength to carry on with it.
You don't talk much about why you have been so dependent on drink and drugs. Often there are underlying reasons behind this kind of behaviour. If you do have other problems, you might find it useful to talk to someone about them. SupportLine (tel: 020 8554 9004) offers confidential, emotional support on the telephone for anyone who needs to talk. You could also try talking to your GP to see if they could refer you for any counselling.
The other place you might want to try is our askTheSite service - you can ask an expert a question, free and confidentially. Here's the link: ask a question.
Good luck