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Honest opinion? Am i out of order? Am i a bad guy?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Right i've really found this place to be the best for this sort of thing. I don't really try to let these things get me to me when im out and about or at work, i prefer to get it out here.

I have so much shit and stuff going on at the moment my head really is a mush and tbh when im on my own or at home i can't seem to get out of this fucking hole i seemed to have dug myself in.

Sorry for blabbing and probably repeating alot of stuff i've more then likely all mentioned before but i really just cannot stop feeling shit and bad about how i am with certain things.

I've lost the girl i was so happy with to someone else and now i've lost my grandad. So i have a whole mixture of things in my head, but i'm dealing way better with my grandads death then i am with the other matter.

I do really want honest opinions and to try and put yourself in this girls shoes. I don't want things just to make me feel better, i want to know if what i'm doing is the right thing because i don't know.

Well you all now my story im sure, fell for a girl at work, with each other for a few months, she stopped things she didnt want a relationship so soon after splitting with someone of 2 years even though she said she was falling for me, then she decides she wants to be with someone else from work blah blah blah. So you can imagine that shit feeling. And seeing them together at work just kills me, thats why i'm leaving

I've had people telling me to get over it and to try and move on and i'm sure people reading this for the billionth time will be thinking the same but tbh it pisses me off because i don't know how to. It still hurts the same now as it did a few months back and i havent even seen her for about a month now.

I just feel shit, i ignore her at work, i don't speak to her. I know its stupid but i dunno i just can't. Does that make me a bad person because i can't stop feeling so shit about it. She tried so hard to try and keep us as friends, we spent the day together a while back to try and see how things would be between us. It was a really good day, we laughed, we got on and it showed it could go back to how it was.

But i dunno i knew deep down that i still wanted her, wanted more then a friendship because i felt so much towards her. I guess i feel it more now. I dunno ... did i love her? Do i still? I dunno, never been in love before all this.

Am i doing the wrong thing? I was on my way home from work the other week and i say them together, proper couple like and i guess my reaction to that showed me i just can't be around her anymore. I just feel so bad, sad, shit, pissed off. I guess the worst thing is she even said before she got with this other guy that she was scared of losing me if she started something with this other guy. So what happened ... she went with him. And it all went downhill from there. Did i react too badly to it?

I'm now even being ignored by her friends so i guess i just get the feeling of being the bad guy in all this .. or are they just getting me back for ignoring her at work? I dunno. Shit all the same.

I have nothing bad to ever say about her. She really is a a great, beautiful girl who made smile instantly and took me for who i was and actually was the first person to really start to care about me. I miss her so much. But its seem my feelings seem to be overtaken with the thought of those two together and i just can't cope with it. Even heard they were moving in together today at work, so think how that feels.

What do i do? Have i been out of order by ignoring her and stuff? Is it always this hard?

I've tried not seeing her - that hasn't worked. I've tried seeing her and spending time with her - it worked at them time but when it was over i just felt shit. Now im back to not seeing her, ignoring her and having no contact at all and that isnt working. This time thing that has been mentioned "give it time .. it'll get better", well how longs it been? ... been about 3/4 months this whole lot of shit and it hasnt changed one bit. Still feel shit.

So as i said i seem to have dug myself into a hole. Really don't want to not have her in my life but it really is hard. I dunno like i said .. is it love? Is that why it hurts so much? I don't fricking know! Am i bad for doing all this?

Ok... that was a rather long rant and alot of questions :p. Ah i'll probably wake up and feel silly writing all this but whatever i don't care tbh.

Cheers .. if you read it all.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I actually think your doing the right thing.

    You wont have a chance of getting over it if you have to see her or contact her.

    The best way to get over somone really is to cut all contact and forget about them, at least until your over it.

    Why dont you speak to her, tell her how you feel and tell her that you need to cut all ties until you can feel better about it all.

    This way your not being the bitter bad guy, your just being the guy who really likes a girl and needs time to get over the fact that hes lost her.

    A few months isnt long to get over someone, it will take alot longer by the sounds of it.

    my advice is; cut contact, keep yourself busy, try to do as many social activities as possible, and try to meet new people whenever possible, and dont keep looking back at the past but look forward; you never know whats around the corner.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mate, nobody has a choice when it comes to who you fancy. So don't feel bad about that.
    Secondly, I know how you feel. You keep thinking, "If she said she wasn't ready for a relationship, why did she choose the other guy, why not me? What's wrong with me?"
    Thing is, she can't choose who she fancies either.

    I think having her in your life will not be good for you as chances are you might always feel "that" way about her and everytime you see her with another guy, old feelings of hurt will resurface.
    You have to make a choice.
    If she was that good a friend and she still wants you to be her friend, you need to do your best to let it go, deal with it and move on.
    If you think she wasn't being a genuine friend, and you have doubts and tha tmaybe she was using you as an ego boost, than you know what you need to do. And moving away from the situation is the first step.
    The next step is starting to meet other girls.

    Love hurts mate. But don't be put off by it. Because as much as it does hurt sometimes, the other stuff is worth it.
    It's putting you down, do something about it!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i dont think you love her, its just a case of wanting what you cant have.
    I know that feeling all too well mate, you think you and a girl are getting on great then out of the blue shes gone and off with someone else while you're left on your own thinking what did i do wrong.
    Some girls are just like that. i think shes a bitch for getting with someone in the same work place especially so soon and when she knows you have feelings for her. shes not worth the time of day imo.
    Although you shouldnt have to, i think leaving that job probably is the best course of action for you - a new start will help you sort your mind out and in time you will just forget about her all together and probably look back wondering what you ever saw in her.

    The fact that your grandad has just passed away (which im sorry to hear btw) will only intensify your emotions and make things seem 10 times worse than they are. Your Grandad is at peace now so you should hopefully find salvation in that.

    Besides getting a new job i think you need a bit of time away from everything. take a trip down the seaside/countryside, go on a hike/go sight seeing - anything just to clear your head for a few days. When you get back you wont even be bothered about that girl anymore and you wont have to see her in work and be reminded either!

    I know this must be a really hard time for you at the moment but you're in the right place and time really is a great healer as they say.

    oh and to answer your original questions: no youre not out of order and no youre not a bad guy. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh man, I fell for ya, really shit situation you are in right now...

    My honest opinion, you love her mate, there is no other explanation to your comportment... Nothing wrong with you mate, you're not out of order at all, you are just in pain, in severe pain...

    You are not a bad guy at all for ignoring her, you are just protecting yourself, protecting your feelings, well as much as you can as you still get hurt...

    And to those who tell you oh yeah, just get over her and move on, well it is easily say when it is a casual relationship, but if love come in, well it is an other story...

    Yes when you love deeply it is always this hard, it sucks, but that's how it is...

    I can understand why you are considering leaving, frankly I don't think I could handle going to work for long and seeing her with that other bloke...

    Some will tell you keep your job, your job is important, some will even say work is the most important thing, but hey what's the point of staying at a job if it is to feel shit all the time... There is none...

    After can't tell you what to do, if you are unsure, wait a while, if you can't take it anymore, just go, it will help you move on, also going will not remove the pain straight away but it will help...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Blah wrote:
    This way your not being the bitter bad guy, your just being the guy who really likes a girl and needs time to get over the fact that hes lost her.

    Yeah thats what it feel likes im being portrayed like.

    I really have tried to explain what i can to her, it is one of those things that is hard to fully explain. Same with her, she couldn't really explain to me why.

    I've tried, it seems to me that she thinks that i hate her because im ignoring her even though i have told her on countless occasions thats it not that. I dunno if shes using that just to make herself feel better i dunno, im not gonna start guessing what shes thinking.

    I mean what. Should i just try to speak to her again? I've tried it before and it didn't really go well. I've done it too many times to her, say we should speak, we meet up, we get on, she thinks its going to get better and then i say no, i can't keep doing that to her. Makes me feel shit and it makes her feel shit. How can i approach it this time?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    GoodFella wrote:

    I mean what. Should i just try to speak to her again? I've tried it before and it didn't really go well. I've done it too many times to her, say we should speak, we meet up, we get on, she thinks its going to get better and then i say no, i can't keep doing that to her. Makes me feel shit and it makes her feel shit. How can i approach it this time?

    If you speak to her again, you will only feel bad.
    Write her a letter and send it to her by post.
    If she really was a friend, she will understand.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just walk away mate. maybe you'll bump into each other in the future and be friends again but for now just walk away. Its not much of a friendship if one friend secretly wishes there could be more.
    I know this situation all too well with myself - everytime you speak you're secretly hoping she'll say shes changed her mind or losing you was a mistake...but it probably wont happen and it just makes it harder and harder because you'll end up building her up to be this amazing person that shes probably not.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Its just not how i wanted it to be. I didnt want my last contact with her to be through a text, one she didnt even respond to, i didn't want the last thing between us to be bad. But i guess these things are never how you picture it. But maybe your right, maybe i do have to walk away. And your right however much i miss her i can't see her if i still want her after everything, its just hurting myself.

    Probably is made worse by the fact im going to Birmingham and shes going to Cardiff in September and if its not sorted by then i may never see her again at all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    on me mate...

    EDIT: Nice of you to offer a pint but far too big I'm afraid.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you've already drunk some, tight bastard :lol:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    on me mate...


    Ha i've tried that .. doesn't work :p

    EDIT: image too big
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh, hun, you aren't doing anything wrong.

    Ok, maybe ignoring someone may be a bit uncivil, but you're only doing it to try and cope with your sad feelings. And about her, she may not have wanted to lose you if she got together with this guy - but honestly, what did she expect? That you'd hang around and tell her how ecstatic you are that she's so happy with this other bloke? Sure, a friend might do that... but as you said yourself, you aren't her friend - you want something more.

    With all that's happening to you right now, the moment you're going through and everything... do whatever you have to to cope with your grief. Try to be civil to her - but that's about it. The rest is about you. And I agree with blah, 3/4 months isn't a long period to get over someone. I don't know if you were in love or not (only you can know that), but it does sound like you have strong feelings for her, so it can still take a while longer. But trust me, eventually those feelings do go away. You'll always remember her fondly,but you'll be able to go on with your life. You say she was the first girl to really care about you, that's obviously something very special, but she'll not be the last one, trust me on this. You're such a good and decent bloke - I'm sure there will be plenty of girls out there who will get how special you are.

    Again, take care.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I do really empathise with the whole ex thing, but I think you need to be thinking about your grandfather too.

    Don't try and build it all into one, just take stuff as it comes,
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Man you guys are great :) Really hope i can meet people like you at uni.

    Well i thought sleeping on it might make it better but it didnt so i guess i know what i have to do. Guess i just have to continue with the no contact that im already doing. Leaving work will be a big help i imagine.

    I mean today i decided to walk to work but that normally means going past her house so maybe abit drastic but i went the long way round to avoid it. Guess thats just what i have to do to try and not think about stuff. Once i leave work i'll never have to go round that area again anyway so i don't run the risk of seeing them together.

    I guess maybe your right Sophia. This was the first time i really got attached to anyone and maybe i did build her up, i mean she even said that but i'm not gonna get fussed over that. Thats just what happened, can't be blamed for that.

    I was thinking about seeing her before we both left Nottingham to at least say bye properly but i guess thats not such a good idea anymore.

    But as has been mentioned this coming week i have to get ready to say bye to my grandad and then after that i can just try and get on with things.

    Thanks though. All a big help as a ever, its not solved the situation or anything but reading your opinions has kinda told me what i have to do, however hard it will be.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    first of all hugs!! i know it hurts bad but it wont last forever....same kinda thing happened to me..though i saw him noly for a month i jus cared for him so much..n i got hurt real bad in the end.
    they say that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and it does...just hava faith in yourself..and your strength ..your ability to pull through.
    if you need to change your workplace,then do it..try n get your mind off it, i know it's difficult but the more you try the more it happens.
    i still have nightmares about the guy i was seeing..but they hurt less n less.n some nights i dont have them at all!..its been three weeks since i got hurt badly....
    but now im starting to realise that ppl like that arent worth my time, and iv got to be more careful with who i care about in future...
    its always a bitch at first..but just hang on...it always gets better!hope this helps.....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    tinydancer wrote:
    first of all hugs!! i know it hurts bad but it wont last forever....same kinda thing happened to me..though i saw him noly for a month i jus cared for him so much..n i got hurt real bad in the end.
    they say that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and it does...just hava faith in yourself..and your strength ..your ability to pull through.
    if you need to change your workplace,then do it..try n get your mind off it, i know it's difficult but the more you try the more it happens.
    i still have nightmares about the guy i was seeing..but they hurt less n less.n some nights i dont have them at all!..its been three weeks since i got hurt badly....
    but now im starting to realise that ppl like that arent worth my time, and iv got to be more careful with who i care about in future...
    its always a bitch at first..but just hang on...it always gets better!hope this helps.....

    Think your right about making you stronger. Definetely think the last few months, even though they've been pretty shit, that i've most certainly grown up and found out alot about myself .

    I don't have nightmares about this girl, as i've said in no way do i hate her. But i do on occasion have upsetting dreams about her, but nothing i can do about that.

    Leaving work will definetely help i feel, just gotta get through these last few weeks and then i think it will start to gradually get better after that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The next time I hear a girl say, "I need more time, I just came out of a <elongated period of time> relationship.", just to see her getting it on with someone else, I'll give her a lobotomy with a rusty hacksaw.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well she could just go for the "I don't feel that way about you" or "I just see you as a friend." I wouldn't expect someone who said that to not go out with anyone to protect my feelings or anything. It would feel like shit though if a girl said she wasn't ready for a serious relationship though, and I found out she had a boyfriend a couple of weeks later. Luckily I've never had that. I dunno, maybe I only go for nice, honest girls.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote:
    The next time I hear a girl say, "I need more time, I just came out of a <elongated period of time> relationship.", just to see her getting it on with someone else, I'll give her a lobotomy with a rusty hacksaw.

    Even after a month or so?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SophiA wrote:
    All I mean is, I wouldn't be too quick to get pissed off with girls for lying to you, unless you're 100 per cent certain you can handle the truth, however brutal that might be.
    Oh, I'd read between the lines too, but I'd still be annoyed at her for lying. Although if she specifically said "I need more time," then that would kinda give you hope that it might happen later, because she's suggesting that she will be ready for a relationship at some point in the future.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh im pretty certain there is way more to it all then was let on but to be honest i don't think i want to know now, whats the point now? Won't change anything. Can't remember where i heard this but im not gonna start "chasing the mice in my head" as it will drive me crazy.

    I mean i was given all this "i need time" stuff and i do genuinely believe and understand all that she said. She's not a bad person and can't blame her for changing what she feels, guess she just didnt handle it very well. I was generally left with the feeling that after some time she would eventually come to me as we were basically still very very close but she didnt and she went with someone else. Shit happens and we don't see each other anymore. Will be more careful next time before i get too attached to someone.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Did you write all that?

    Doesn't seem harsh. Suppose some of it is right i guess.

    I havent been in contact with her at all, she's contacted me. She text me the other day wondering why i wasnt at work etc etc (wasn't there due to my grandfathers funeral). Just told her why but tried to leave it quick, not in a rude sense but your right i can't have contact. She says shes "always here if you need me", didn't respond to that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    GoodFella wrote:
    Did you write all that?

    Doesn't seem harsh. Suppose some of it is right i guess.

    I havent been in contact with her at all, she's contacted me. She text me the other day wondering why i wasnt at work etc etc (wasn't there due to my grandfathers funeral). Just told her why but tried to leave it quick, not in a rude sense but your right i can't have contact. She says shes "always here if you need me", didn't respond to that.

    Well she has put the olive branch there for you, and whos to say that in a few days/weeks/months/years you will be in a position to accept the olive branch, and you will continue to have a good friendship, have faith it will happen, only time will dictate when it will happen. I was in a similar position to yourself and yes of course its hard and she might not understand how much you are hurting, and it can be frustrating from your point of view because you knew what you felt for her and its hard to see the hurt and feelings not being reciprocated. Just keep your head up and do whatever it takes to get over it. No doubt you will both be able to have a drink over it and have a good laugh.:thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well she has put the olive branch there for you, and whos to say that in a few days/weeks/months/years you will be in a position to accept the olive branch, and you will continue to have a good friendship, have faith it will happen, only time will dictate when it will happen. I was in a similar position to yourself and yes of course its hard and she might not understand how much you are hurting, and it can be frustrating from your point of view because you knew what you felt for her and its hard to see the hurt and feelings not being reciprocated. Just keep your head up and do whatever it takes to get over it. No doubt you will both be able to have a drink over it and have a good laugh.:thumb:

    Oh im pretty certain once ive left work, started uni and all that, that there is the possibilty of us being best of friends. We do get on so well and thats why the situation of not contacting her etc is so hard. But as has been said .. its not really about friendship at the moment. I need to basically forgot about my feelings for her and then hopefully one day if she'll let me, we can start over as friends.
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