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helo me out!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
i'm going to a mad party where theres a joke telling session ...i need some jokes.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
    "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
    "What," the other asks, "green?".
    "No," says the first, " a bit sour."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
    The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
    Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
    The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
    Patient replies "He fingered me first".
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.

    After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.

    The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.

    The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."

    She says, "Smell the rim."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

    The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

    The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Some like that or some less sick? :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
    The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
    Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
    The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
    Patient replies "He fingered me first".
    :lol: I love that one.
    The others are funny but a bit :eek2:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other,

    "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

    "Why is that?" said the other tramp.

    "Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

    The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

    "Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

    "Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ^^^^

    :lol: :thumb:

    That is godawful but hilarious!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

    The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

    The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

    The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

    She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *more more more*

    Ok then...

    Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

    "Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

    The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other,

    "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"

    The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :crazyeyes :D:heart::lol: oh dear oh dear you mad french bastard!
    it's a good job the party i'm going to is a hells angels one and not the womens institute is all i can say!
    cheers nio ...:thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *pathetic attempt*

    Did you hear about the magic tractor?

    it turned into a field :lol:

    ok i'l get my coat.....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What do you call an annexic with a yeast infection?

    A quarter pounder with cheese.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    melanie wrote:
    *pathetic attempt*

    Did you hear about the magic tractor?

    it turned into a field :lol:

    ok i'l get my coat.....
    That made me laugh most...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A guy askes his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamboghini Countach - she loves this car she goes every where in it.

    One day she picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"

    The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."

    The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at wimbeldon"

    The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she
    wont be able to pick up a racket any more" She begins to cry.

    "Doctor" asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, " 6 months". "So what's the date?" asks the woman

    "April 1st" says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were jokeing then were you?"

    Doctor: "YES.........they both died in inpact"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.

    He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.

    He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"

    "Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

    The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

    A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."

    And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

    The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why did the girl fall off the swing?

    Because she had no arms.
  • Teh_GerbilTeh_Gerbil Posts: 13,332 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Addict wrote:
    Why did the girl fall off the swing?

    Because she had no arms.

    :lol:

    Hmm... all I shall do is post this.

    And of course, tell one of my favourites of all time...

    Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

    Because it was dead!:p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What's blue and fucks grannies?

    Me in my lucky blue coat.
  • Teh_GerbilTeh_Gerbil Posts: 13,332 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Addict wrote:
    What's blue and fucks grannies?

    Me in my lucky blue coat.
    :lol: Good old b3ta.

    Let's not turn this into another closed jokes thread, eh? :p

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my granddad...

    Not kicking and screaming like his passengers
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    cheers all ...especialy NMM ...i'm off into the hills to a barn ...axe throwing contests ...drinking contests ...titties and beer.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A Jew and a Chinaman were drinking in a bar when the Jew turns around and says..."I don't like the Chinese."

    The Chinese says..."Why not?"

    The Jew replies..."Because the Chinese bombed Pearl Harbour"

    The Chinaman replies..."That was the Japanese!"

    The Jew says..."Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, you are all the same to me."

    The Chinaman sits down and has another drink and turns around to the Jew to say..."I don't like Jews."

    The Jew asks why and the Chinaman replies..."The Jews sank the Titanic!"

    The Jew replies..."The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!"

    The Chinaman says.."Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, you are all the same to me!"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    cheers all ...especialy NMM ...i'm off into the hills to a barn ...axe throwing contests ...drinking contests ...titties and beer.

    Sounds like fun...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We went to the zoo last week.

    The only thing they had was a dog.

    It was a Shih Tzo.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    kaffrin wrote:
    We went to the zoo last week.

    The only thing they had was a dog.

    It was a Shih Tzo.
    i cant believe i even just laughed at that.



    Very bad Kaff.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i cant believe i even just laughed at that.



    Very bad Kaff.

    Haha - that's my new favourite joke. My old favourite was:

    Why did the baker's hands smell?



    Cause he kneaded a poo.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kaffrin - those jokes are terrible but funny!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    had a great time ...arrived home a couple of hours ago smelling very ...very much like a barn i suppose.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What's white and fluffy and sits in the sky?

    The coming of the Lord.
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