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Talking about the past

I don't know if anyone here will have been in a vaguely similar situation but I thought I'd give it a shot anyway. I'm finding it really hard to talk about my past with my new boyfriend, and it's becoming something of a barrier in our relationship in a few different respects.

I've got my share of pretty grim skeletons in my closet and so has he and we've talked about quite a lot of it; but I was also sexually abused as a child and still have struggle with it from time to time. We were in bed the other day (jobless scum :p ) and he just happened to use a phrase that completely freaked me out. I think he nearly was extremely disturbed that I went from being my er, "normal" self to being pretty much hysterical, though obviously he was very comforting and kept asking if there was anything I wanted to talk about etc.

Anyway, I've since decided that it's about time I let him know about it as I don't want to have any more stupid episodes and I'm sure he doesn't want me to either! But I'm finding it very difficult to bring it up. He's asked several times since and since he's not a complete plank I'm pretty sure he has an inkling about what it could be. The opportunity has been there a couple of times but I'm continually bottling it, I suppose I'm worried about his potential reaction. For all I know he could be completely disgusted or worse. Then I think that maybe I should just leave it - I don't want to hurt someone I care about by telling them dreadful things that should possibly be left in the past. Has anyone else had a similar experience at all? Or any advice? I know I should just tell him in a quiet, private and most definitely sober moment... but they come and go all the time and I can't get the words past my lips. Does he need to know, or should I leave it... at least for now? I'm pretty conflicted, as I want to be completely upfront with him as early as possible but it's also in the back of my mind that my most signifigant ex reacted extremely badly to my little revelation.

Argh, I'm just rambling on. Has anyone else ever had one of these talks? How to broach it? Etc etc.
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if you're finding it hard have you thought of writing it all down in a letter?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    have you had any counselling Briggi?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    have you had any counselling Briggi?

    I haven't, no. I remember I once rang ChildLine about it (this is going back one hell of a way) but I panicked and hung up when they suggested telling someone (by that I mean someone "official" or at least a "grown up". I have only told a handful of people about it and I have always found it incredibly hard to do so. I'm just not sure that it would help me, but I suppose I haven't ever really looked into it. Always seems like a "it's for other people" kind of thing, especially since I'm generally very happy. I forgot (well...) about the whole thing for a lot of years, or at least repressed it. It's definitely come back to light in relationships and especially in terms of intimacy.

    As for writing a letter, I think I would find the whole waiting and wondering what the reaction was a hell of a lot more upsetting and worrying than any potential face-to-face bad reaction. Though maybe I'm looking at it in the wrong way. I think it needs to be done face to face, though whether I'll get the brass tacks to actually do that is another matter.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeah i can understand that, and childline arent even confidential. Im not even sure i see the point.

    Just remember, you dont OWE it to anyone to tell them. Its your past and it belongs to you. If you feel comfortable telling him then thats great. If you dont, then maybe wait until you do?
    In the meantime, it might be worth looking into getting some counselling if you find its affecting you. It might help you to be able to talk about it in confidence to someone whos not going to judge you or feel threatened by what youve said, or make you tell anyone you dont want to.
    I think youre probably exactly the kind of person counselling could help tbh.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just remember, you dont OWE it to anyone to tell them. Its your past and it belongs to you. If you feel comfortable telling him then thats great. If you dont, then maybe wait until you do?

    You're right, so maybe that is the solution. I want to tell him but I can't so maybe I should be deducing that I'm not ready to do so... or a coward. Or a combination.

    I think I'd feel like a big, fat faker going to counselling. When I see the problems in the big wide world and on here that people have. How would I go about it though if I did consider it? Would I have to go through my GP, because I don't know if I'd want to delve into a big barrage of emotional shit with him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    briggi wrote:

    I think I'd feel like a big, fat faker going to counselling. When I see the problems in the big wide world and on here that people have. How would I go about it though if I did consider it? Would I have to go through my GP, because I don't know if I'd want to delve into a big barrage of emotional shit with him.
    I felt a bit like that too. My GP offered it to me when i first broke up with my ex and i was a bit of a mess. There was a long waiting list though, and by the time the appointment came round, i was fine about it, met someone new, felt like id really moved on. I went anyway, and i told her that i felt a bit of a fraud, but we still talked about stuff, and she said shed be happy to see me for the 6 sessions that you initially get on the NHS (more if you need them). I kept on going, and it really really helped me sort out so much stuff in my head, why I did this, and why i reacted to those situations in that way, and why these certain things bothered me more than they should etc. talked about some real deep rooted issues ive got. I got a lot out of those sessions, even though i initially felt all fraudulent. Counsellings not just for completely mad people. In fact if the problems are still huge and raw, id wonder if that was really the right time to be able to solve them iykwim.

    If youre interested, youd probably just need to go to your gp and maybe mention that youve suffered abuse in your past and it keeps affecting your relationships, and you really would like to be put on the list for some counselling..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If hes a caring human being he couldnt possibly react badly to be told something as grave as what happened to you.

    He would most likely be shocked and possibly angry with whoever abused you but most of all he is most likely to want to comfort you and look after you.
    I know you probably dont want 'looking after' and that nothing he can do will make the slightest bit of difference but that is how i felt when i was once told something similar by someone close to me.
    It made me feel closer to the person that told me because it felt good that this person trusted me enough to tell me such a big secret they had been keeping.

    I wouldnt dream of doing anything about it without their consent but it has helped me to understand why they act the way they do sometimes in certain situations.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sophia wrote:
    Which really made me think, because we're constantly being told that honesty is always the best policy, that if you love someone you shouldn't keep secrets from them, that the best relationship is an entirely open one, etc etc. But I've suspected for a while that in many real-life cases, that may be wildly simplistic and unhelpful. We live in an age where we are constantly being encouraged to talk, talk, talk about all our feelings, problems and emotions, and we are all certain that this is the only way to move on and feel better, but is this really always true? I don't know. Having never been in your situation, I can't say whether the right thing for you is to talk to someone you love and trust about what happened in your childhood, or whether the best thing to do for your own happiness and peace of mind is to keep bad memories firmly in the past.

    You're dead right about this. There is definitely a huge trend towards talking talking talking through everything which maybe there didn't used to be... so I suppose I'm automatically feeling like I should be sharing every detail of my life when maybe it isn't necessary. Argh. I'm also not sure for whose benefit I'd be doing it, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't help him. At all. Well except for sating his curiosity about why I'm a big freak, but then that could backfire.
    If you do decide you'd like to talk to him about it, then do it on a day when you've plenty of time and neither of you have anything else to go off and do, and I'd probably make sure it was entirely separate from any sexual activity, ie I wouldn't tell him in bed or anything. You need to be sat down with a cup of tea and no chances of interruption, and let's face it, there's no easy of doing it, and it will take a lot of courage. I'm quite certain he won't be disgusted, by the way, at least not with you, but do brace yourself for a negative reaction just so you're prepared. Hopefully he'll be sympathetic and concerned and supportive and loving. But there's also the chance he'll be extremely shocked, and upset, and angry with the person who abused you, and those feelings might initially prevent him from being supportive and reassuring, at least at first. Whereas you know what's coming, he doesn't, and he may not know how to deal with it at first, so just be prepared for that.

    I'd already thought about location etc. I suppose I know that the bedroom is very very wrong in terms of where to tell someone something awful, as it'll hang over it like a dark cloud... especially if it all goes pear-shaped. I've thought a lot about the fact that if and when I disclose all this stuff it will probably be a bolt out of the blue. He's no idiot, and like I said before I had an inkling that he had an inkling of what it was about. But then I'm saying that with the benefit (in a strange way) of having full knowledge... so I could be projecting a lot of this insightfulness onto him. I realise that trying to predict the reaction is nigh-on impossible. He's very laid back but obviously this isn't your average "tell me about yourself" chat.
    Bloody hell, I can sure go on can't I? I hope you're still reading at this point, lovely girl, because I want to end this epic by saying that I am sure it will all work out for the best, whatever you decide to do. Don't rush your decision, take your time. And remember, you've got lots of friends who love you and care for you, so you're never short of someone to talk to if you need it. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you :heart:

    'Course I read this all, I really appreciate your input (as you well know :):heart: ). I am going to think about this all over time. At least I know it's not something I'll blurt out after one too many, as it's too sensitive for that.

    SCC - thanks for the advice about counselling. I can empathise completely with the way you said you felt about the whole situation - I think I'd probably feel quite fraudulent too, even if there's no reason to. I'm going to mull it over and I think I will at least bring up the possibility of it with my GP next time I'm there. Maybe it would help me. I'd really like to get it "out of my system" (if I'll ever manage that) because I do feel like it casts a long shadow over my life... which is damn-near perfect apart from that fact. I know counselling isn't a miracle cure/brainwashing operation but I suppose I don't know if it would help at all until I tried.

    Oh, and cheers icey. I do agree that being in the know about it would definitely help him to understand my reactions to certain things. It doesn't really affect my day to day life with him, at least that I'm aware of, but I do think it would help him to understand me better and I guess that since what we're striving for is an understanding relationship then it's only ever going to be possible if we're totally honest with one another. That's what makes it all a bit confusing... it's just hard to know whether it might require a bit too much understanding for him to process at this point. Hmmm.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    just a thought - maybe outside in an open quiet location would be a good place if you tell him?
    i wouldn't worry about his reaction, if he's a decent guy he'll handle it

    i felt like a fraud when i had councelling for my panic attacks. Especially after they originally told me i didn't qualify for help because i wasn't a 'danger to myself and others'. That was after 1 meeting with a doctor.
    But it can be a good way to just get things out. I found it quite relaxing and theraputic.
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