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What's happened? Try and stay strong, sweetie. Go for a walk, get yourself out of the situation.
Love you Janey
Sorry guys. I started a blog the other day thinking that sharing my thoughts with the computer would help me. It did slightly but I reckon I need a few human comments, along the lines of 'it's not that bad' and all that to really help me move on with my life. So here's my blog, unedited ....
The mess that is my life!
Well, here I am. I used to always keep a diary but had to stop because the thought of other people reading it scared me. I didn't want them knowing intimate details about myself but, most importantly, I didn't want them knowing what I really thought about them. It's the thoughts that we hide away that have the potential to hurt the most.
I say all that and yet here I am, publishing a diary online, where everyone can see it; I'm not blocking it from anyone. It's therapy. I need to know that people will read it. I need to know that maybe someone somewhere will realise just how awful I feel most of the time.
So, last weekend, what a barrel of laughs that turned out to be. Okay, so I was never looking forward to it but it certainly wasn't supposed to turn out anything like the way that it did. It was meant to be my best friend's hen weekend - I must stop at this point and question whether we really are best friends? - but turned out to probably be the most horrifically horrible weekend of my life. I kept looking around wondering when I had been such a bad person to deserve such a weekend; wondering when Jeremy Beadle might pop his head out from behind a tree and say 'Gotcha' or something equally as ridiculous.
It didn't happen.
The weekend was real.
I'm still recovering. Yet everyone thinks I'm over it. I smile and laugh along with the rest of them but all the time there's this continual screaming in my head that I just can't get away from. I try to escape: I flirt, I read, I sing, I laugh raucously. But nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing stops it. It gets louder and quieter but it's always there. Nothing I can do will block it out. Nothing I (or anyone else) can say will stop it. I'm a wreck.
So back to the Hen weekend .... my uncle died on the Friday - and not the one that had only been given weeks to live but the one who I was unable to see for the last six months of his life through no fault of my own.
Saturday night: I got accused of stopping a couple from getting together because, apparently, the bloke wanted to sleep with me before he could settle down (oh purlease) and when I tried to talk it over with my 'best friend' she accused me of being a selfish cow. Needless to say, it all blew up. Huge screaming and shouting match. I cut my arms with a razor blade (again), chatted to a random stranger about my problems and then went to bed.
Sunday: Rufus falls and so Colin and I spend the whole day trying to come to terms with the fact that his back legs seem to have 'gone' and that we're probably gonna have to have him put down ... only to have him make a miraculous recovery at the last minute! I'd like to say that was the whole weekend but it wasn't to be. Surely that's enough stress for any one person to handle at any given moment BUT no, somebody clearly wanted to punish me.
Colin woke me up that night (about half eleven) to tell me my Mum had just rung and told him that she was sitting in her car in a pub car park having taken a bottle of pills and washed it down with some vodka. Apparently my life would be better off without her. Who wants to be woken up and told that? Who really wants to have to call the police about their own mother (for the second time) to say that they're worried that she's gonna drink and drive? Who wants to talk to their mother on the phone to try and keep her awake for at least half an hour before she's found by the police and taken off to hospital?
Nobody.
Surely.
Well, I had to. No choice in the matter. I talked to her and listened to her words slur and her become distant. I talked to her until she stopped answering me. How fucking scary. I shouted her name down the phone. I screamed and cried for her to answer. I thought that she'd died. How can I come to terms with that?
She didn't die. She's still alive. She's annoyed with the whole world and has yet to apologise. She has no idea that when it's quiet, all I can think about is that silence on the other end of the phone.
How do I move on?
Aww hun, just ignore the person at work if she annoying you, if you dont let her seeing that that shes got to you she might stop. As I said before, and will say again til I'm blue in the bloody face, dont be afraid of getting the help you need. (Yes I know I should practise what I preach) Nothing wrong with being a work obsessed freak, think of the things you get with the extra money.
Sorry about my post on Thursday, I was tired and stressed and very low.
Tired constantly
I get enough sleep, last night I got 10 hours, night before 11 hours.... I've had less than this and I'm still tired.
Regardless how much I get, I'm still tired.
I do worry a lot. I've been treated really badly by an ex of mine. It has hit me really hard.
My eyes always look dark and grey, they suspsoed to be blue and bright.
I get a lot of headaches, dizzyness, can feel faint from time to time.
Skin is awful. I've hit my self many times, mostly when I've had a drink.
My jaw always hurts lol.
Generally feeling misrable, knackered and mostly unhappy. I've been the doctors about it, they keep saying I'm not depressed but need to talk to someone. I do, but I feel it's patronising. I don't like it.
Could get the bus 101 down Stafford.
As for your ex treating you badly, what I would say is, get away from him. Leave him be for the time being, stay away from him. His influence is obviously not doing any good amidst all this.
Someone lift me out of this hell hole.
Why do I always end up falling back into it?
I don't know, squire
Oh hun
I hope everything is alright. I'm here for you if you need anything
I know. Thank you hunny
I am just hugely frustrated at a number of different things. Unfortunately, most of them are beyond my control which makes it even worse because I can't do anything more to rectify the situation so I get all frustrated.
Sorry, I'm not just rambling.
Why cant i get rid of whatevers in my head making me feel sad, angry, lonely, fed up, confused. It makes me hate me so much that i have to hurt and starve this pathetic being that i am. It wants me to die i think.
How do i manage to appear normal? ive no idea. I got to work and do my job and come home so people think its all good. Theres 5 different 'acts' i put on, depends where i am and who im with.
Fuck it all.
andy - pm.
take care please.
love always
x
i slit my writs on tues thankfully my step mum patched me up they r not too bad considering, i am now on constant watch, my sister sat at first, then my boyfriend took wednesday off, then my step mum stopped on thurs, n today im being watched by my dad, it just reminds me what happened being checked on all the time, i ask them to leave me alone, i have to learn to cope on my own. x
thanks for your support girl gunner
xx
I did the same last week but I live alone and couldn't get the supported I needed (sorry this sounds like I'm being sorry for myself. I guess I am), but I know that having your family "watching" can feel stifling. Just know that even though you're a newbie we're all friends here and you can say whatever you like. If you feel crap and can't rant at your family, that's ok.
I don't know if that makes sense. Brain is quite melty today and I'm knackered. Sigh.