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What He Said (friend talking about my bf's past)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I understand my boyfriend had some problems about a year or two ago, only I never really pried because I didn't care. Well, our mutual friend started talking to me yesterday and asked how much I knew about my boyfriend's past. However, I hate to say it, but the friend is the kind that can take something the wrong way or think something's worse than it really is.

Well, first the friend said my boyfriend had sex with three different girls, but he said in a few minutes later that he wasn't actually sure about the second one (I knew about the third and from the impression my boyfriend has given me, it was his first).

Then my friend told me that he was sure my boyfriend had sex with the first girl because he thought that he had raped her. The girl said that my boyfriend had forced himself on her, but I’m not entirely sure that the friend interpreted it correctly because my boyfriend had started to see someone else during that time (a year and a half ago) and the girl and my boyfriend were good friends during last school year.

Almost everything the friend told me happened before I knew him and before he went to therapy for anger issues. I’m curious to know how much of it is biased or misinterpreted. If it was true, I really don’t know how I would react as I’m pretty sure it’s not true.

I’m not even sure if I should ask my boyfriend if most of the stuff our friend said was true. Suggestions? Should I ask him or not? I have a few days to decide.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Does his past really matter though?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes and no. I would like a confirmation that our friend misunderstood what the other girl meant.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can see how its a very difficult situation. But your friend saying your boyfriend raped someone is not something to be taken lightly. If your friend is exaggerating things he should not say that, and deserves a slap. If he's not exaggerating then I think it's the kind of thing you do need to have in the open in a relationship. How long have you been going out? There's also the possibility that its half and half. He didn't rape her, but he was coming onto her strong, she got upset, and said some rubbish.

    If I was your boyfriend, whatever had happened, I'd respect you if you came and spoke to me about it if you were concerned about anything I'd said to you. The reason I'd advise caution though is that rape is very serious and I wouldn't want you to confront him for him to lose his top and hurt you - because people who have attacked other people are more likely to do so again.

    If he's been through counselling though, he's probably fragile, and a direct confrontation might make him snap / upset him. So, possibly a sympathetic angle? I.e. like you want to hear his side of the story, not that you're accusing him.

    Hope it goes well, my advice is probably a bit stupid, it's a very tricky situation to be in though, I'm glad your happiness now with him isnt jepordised (sp?) because of his past.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The friend doesn't mean t exaggerate, but sometimes he assumes the worst and it doesn't help the girl never told him what my boyfriend actually did besides he forced himself on her. It would have helped if the friend had asked her what she had meant since I can my boyfriend getting more rough or forceful than he should have, but not actually raping her. I mean, if he had raped her, I don't think they could have been as good as friends as they were this year.

    We're five months on Monday and I met him last August at school.

    As for the therapy bit, my boyfriend has been out of therapy since last July or something. He probably wouldn't get mad at me, but he would probably guess who had told him the stuff about him as he knew that we were going to hang out on Friday because the friend invited him too.

    Would it be better to ask my boyfriend's best friend about the situation?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    kathryn wrote:
    To be honest I'd speak to your bf about it.
    He's your boyfriend, and five months is long enough to be able to be open with each other, you will seriously need to plan what you will say and how its worded, make sure he understands that you care about him and only want to hear his side of things. How many girls hes slept with isnt really that important, if he didnt tell you about someone its probably just because he didnt want you to worry abotu her or doesnt think it important, however you need to know if he was accused of rape because its serious. He will want to know who told you these things and i think you should tell him, but only as long as he's willing to fully explain the situation to you and not just go thump the other guy.
    Way i see it is if he heard something bad about your past that you hadnt told him wouldnt you want a chance to explain yourself and make sure he actually knew the truth. Second hand info from a mate who "heard something" is never accurate or reliable and always bias. Get it from teh horses mouth, knowing that you are giving him a chance to explain and not writing him off on gossip should prove to him you care about him and believe he'll be honest with you :)

    Excellent advice, can't really add anything but good luck :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've thought about it and I don't even know why I should be worried. Considering who it was that told me.
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