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But I'm not anymore.
I don't understand, nor do I like, how one tiny simple thing can throw me into a downward spiral. How one simple stupid thing that I know I'm blowing out of preportion can make me feel like I'm a horrible horrible person. I don't like being so ridiculously delicate, so incredible sensitive that self loathing is so easy for people to induce in me.
Maybe I just am a horrible person and I delude myself........
ETA: And the more I think, the more I realise this place doesn't help anymore. I just feel worse after posting stuff on here. So, thanks for everything you've done for me, I'll be eternally grateful but this is me signing out. All the best folks
I know exactly how you feel, and I hope this place will continue to help.
Get better, I know you can and I know you will
Feeling a lot better than I did. Things are sorted between me n the boyf
Still getting SO hormonal on this bloody implant, still, I'd rather be hormonal than risk it tbh.
Thing is though, now all my exams are out of the way, I have fuck all to do! Literally! So I've had little urges, cos I'm so bored
Now have a little project to keep me busy
Right... heading off to Portsmouth for a day at the dockyard, sunbathing et all
P.S. we're 13 and one is 15..
I used to feel similar in the way that no one was there for me, but this was because none of my friends self harmed (which they told me of anyway), and thought pretty much the worst of it/avoided conversation about it etc.
But there are people who understand, I've learnt that. A few people from this site I MSN with, and also have joined communities/other boards.
If you do want support/help/a moan etc, then PM me, and I'll give you my MSN- presuming you have MSN here- sorry!
Take care x
xx
Thanks for the kind words.
I've left a few times, but always find myself coming back. Only thing is though, the boyf doesn't know about me being on here, and there's no way I can tell him really. He thinks I've done it all on my own, I just feel so weak for leaning on others to support me. I just feel that seeing as I got myself into this mess, that I shouldn't need a councillor to de-fuzz me and make me question everything I think of. Don't get me wrong, I do REALLY appreciate getting support, this place has saved me from harming on several occasions I can think of, but it hurts me to know how I can't make it on my own.
yeah i agree, everyone needs a talk when their in doubt.
One of my boyf's cats is really unwell too
Just yet another rant really. Fuck knows where I'd be without this place.
You're right though, you need to worry less about what people think when they clearly know nothing.
I kinda know what you mean about the self pity thing. If I mention my 'depression', OCD or SH to particular people than I get told that I emotional blackmailing them, when all I want is support of off the people who apparantely 'love' me.
Ok, you slipt up, but you know that you're strong enough to get through it, you have before, keep your head up babe.
I agree, no one should tell you how to live your life.
Take care x
What is everyone's experience of this?
BUT saying that it was nice to have someone to talk things through with, it helps to straighten things out in your mind.
Told Additional Support that I 'feel that I don't need to see them anymore on a frequent basis'. Which frankly is bollocks. Not quite sure how I'm going to tell the boyf that either. Just don't want to go anymore. Having all this time off of work and college has done bad things to me quite frankly, have been thinking WAY too much about things. Which is good in a way. But bad in so many others.
Was late into college today. And forgot a meeting with THE PRINCIPLE in college, that I was meant to see on Tues. What the hells wrong with me?
I'm NEVER late. I don't forget things.
arrrrrrggggggghhhhhh i so fucking confused/stressed/scared/worried/alone and above all trapped in this world. everything is a total mess, im a mess, my life and relationships with family and friends are a mess my so called 'future' seems impossible to reach, i have no one who understands or really cares. i have no real reason to be really like this because im really quite lucky its not like i was every abused ir anything.
and my head is still incredibly clear which makes its all so much worse; i know that its not just me getting mixed up in my head and not thinking clearly, im so fully aware of this 'situation' and how real it is and there is no way out! im so confused about what to do? should i end it, but what if i fail? that would be the worst thing ever, ever ever.
sorry.x
hey, its ok to rant, no need for apologies. this place is pretty much here to rant on. and your not alone, we're here to help eachother.
Thanks for all that above I need somone on my side for once. Hes the only one I know but I'm so fed up of the way he acts if I even mention it, he thinks I'm going to go and kill myself, or I just want attention. No, I want someone to listen to me and understand/support me, its really not that difficult. I'm jusrtreally stressed because I've got my finals this week and if I've passed all of them I'll be gomsmacked. Plus work is really difficult at the moment and my boss is doing nothing but piss me off.
I can get through this, I'm just pissed off becuase I got to four months and slipped up. Not happy about wanting to use a razor either, because I've never used one, and only think about it when I'm really really hacked off.
God I'm a ranty mood tonight. Thank god my last exam is tomorrow.
Hugs back to you as well, I think you need one as well. Thanks again for the support.
It's understandable that you're pissed off. I know I would feel the same, and that feeling would be most unhelpful to me, but you're proving to yourself that you can get through it.
Bet you'll be relieved this time tommorow with no more exams! I know I was! Was an amazing feeling. Don't think I've done too well. But only time will tell.
I feel like I'm on a downward slope. I'm only waking up in the morning because I have to. Not because I want to. I'm coming on here, what seems everyday to rant about how low I'm feeling. Which isn't fair on people here. I know that this is what this thread is for, but I don't want people to think I'm a depressed, moody, hopeless bitch, because I'm not. I just... Well, want support. Because I'm not getting it at home tbh. Just feels that I'm expected to sort myself out. That I should be happy-clappy-dandy 24/7. I'm ranting again. I'll shut up.
I dont think your a moody, hopeless bitch at all. the whole point of the thread is that its used for people to post how their feeling and get support from others. I know I get a hell of a lot of support from this thread and knowing that I'm not the only one who feels like this, helps a hell of a lot. You have to find it somewhere.
As for not getting up in the mornings, I've months where I've had to phyiscally drag myself up out of bed because I feel so down. You just to remember every morning when you wake up that todays just another day, a day that you wont sh and a day that will be better then the last. Find a mantra to make you fell better if you want.
What didn't help was the discovery that I very nearly failed my History mock last week. I saw my teacher today, and she told me I got (wait for it, it's JUST THAT SHIT) 14/40 for my essays and 10/25 for my document paper. That means I JUST passed. JUST. I got a 3. A 2 is a fail, and I got a 3. And that's only because the IB is fucking lenient (my friend got 24/40 for his essays and got a level 6). I've worked so much harder this year and it's all blown up in my face. I found out that I got a 3, went outside, had a cigarette, and started crying because I felt so shit about everything.
I have a burn on my stomach from when I went SUPEREMO on Tuesday (thought everyone hated me, didn't I) and held a pressed a superhot lighter to it. I think it might be getting infected like last time, because I burst the blisters. I'm going swimming tomorrow so I have a plaster over it, but meh.
Boy doesn't like emo-Franki. FRANKI doesn't like emo-Franki.
But Franki is also scared of the doctor
Emo Franki is nullified by going to doctor Franki. And it doesn't matter a god damn whether the boy likes emo Franki or not. It's hardly a conscoius...concscoius.....con....dammit, it's hardly like you choose to be emo Franki. You should want to get better for yourself first and foremost.
Don't you DARE start putting less effort into your work after that history result. I'll pay someone to steal the trilby if you do........and don't tell me that you can't work any harder. You've got an idea of what the exams are like now, so build on it, you hear? *shakes fist*