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Depression and Self-Harming - Please read

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I never thought I'd be saying this again but:

    I feel shit. I don't know WHY I feel shit, but for the last week or two I've been feeling SO FUCKING SHIT. And on Monday night I fell asleep crying my eyes out because I was getting paranoid that the boy was out without me. Only because he was drinking and he gets fucking horny as hell when he drinks, and I trust him...but I don't trust his sex drive. But he did text me lots telling me he loved me, which calmed me down quite a bit. But then yesterday, he came to see me, and for some strange unknown reason I went superemo on him. I think it kinda pissed him off, 'cause he kinda said at one point that I had to choose what we were going to do, or he'd leave. And I was like ARGH SHIT. I don't even know what happened, because I was feeling fine in the morning, and then I just went...emo.

    Meh, I don't know. I'm thinking maybe Franki should go back to the doctors again. But I don't know.

    Opinions and/or advice would be nice. The boy was getting worried yesterday, because he said he was worried that if he'd left I would have sh'd. I've been thinking about it more and more, but I hate the fact that if I did, it would really hurt him. I don't want to hurt him because he's done so much for me, but I don't think he *really* understands how I feel a lot of the time. I just hate that he's tried so hard to make me happy, and he does, but my stupid paranoias and stupid fucking emo-tendencies mean I might be fucking things up. Meh.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have an exam at 9:30. My stupid greek fucking flatmate and her lodger boyfriend just had a fight in the room next door, just as I was drifting off and now i've just gone and cut for the first time in months. Then I punched a wall in a fit of rage.cuntwankbollockfuck.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm a fucking twat. Such a fucking twat. I'm sat here bawling my fucking eyes out because I'm such a twat.

    I'm supposed to be in Colchester right now. Why am I not in Colchester right now? Because Katie is there. Katie who I hate beyond all reason. So, I thought, the boy will come see me and not go there. I'm a fucking twat. And I got all angry with him because he went there without me. And then he got all pissed off with me cause I'm in "that mood" again. Ya know the one, the one where I get paranoid and emo and fucking SHIT. The one he only met for the first time yesterday. So I was like "yeh, say hello to depressive Franki, you might wanna get used to her 'cause I don't think she's planning on fucking off any time soon". And now he's even more pissed off with me. So I'm sat here bawling my eyes out. So I rang our friend, who he was with, to tell him why I can't come. And cause I was crying and I said I didn't wanna talk to him, he's got in his fucking car and come here. I don't want him to see me like this. I'm fucking pathetic and I need to be shot. And I'm pissed off because my dad's come over from Kenya this week and I can't see him because they've put me down to work today, tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday. And then I have exams all next week. And I had to walk home from work, so instead of getting home at like 7:15, I got home like half an hour ago. And did anybody from home ring me or text me to ask me where I was? No. Because they don't care. They don't care they don't care they don't care. Nobody fucking cares anymore. The whole group I'm going to Peru with hate me because I couldn't climb that fucking mountain, I'm gonna fail all of my exams and just...ARGH. I'm shit. I want to do bad things, but that will make him hate me even more.

    FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Here's me, giving you a chill pill! :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Giving you lots of *hugs* Franki. Take care sweetie :)

    I'm going again for a while. Will hopefully be back soon, but it all depends. Have been thinking about leaving for a while, for a while now... need to get myself sorted, and I'm not going to be able to do that sitting infront of a computer. Sorry to those that I'm close with that I didn't mention it.

    I'm sick of my OCD, and the stupid things I put myself through. I'm sick of the having compulsive thoughts about it, and checking things that don't even have any danger to them, and putting things in a particular order.

    I'm so fucking pissed off at myself, cos I SHOULD be revising, but I can't. I don't know why I can't, but I'm just finding it hard. Have my exams a week today. A week today, it'll all be over, all the stress, commitment, revision, GONE. Can't wait. On the otherhand, if the exams go badly, then I don't want to post how low I'm feeling, and how badly I want to hurt myself, cos that doesn't help anyone.

    Take care x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    your-babe wrote:
    Giving you lots of *hugs* Franki. Take care sweetie :)

    I'm going again for a while. Will hopefully be back soon, but it all depends. Have been thinking about leaving for a while, for a while now... need to get myself sorted, and I'm not going to be able to do that sitting infront of a computer. Sorry to those that I'm close with that I didn't mention it.

    Take care x
    :(

    Take care of yourself as well, get things sorted out and come back soon!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can't be bothered with anything. I really can't.

    I've gone and got myself more emotionally attatched to the guy I'm seeing than I should, and I know he values his friends more than me, which is understandable. But it makes me so mad and upset at myself, like I should hate myself for not being good enough to be wanted more by him. But it only makes sense.

    I hate myself for hating myself so much.

    ARGH!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Back! I know I wasn't gone for long at all, but there are explanations behind it.

    Firstly, I kinda realised that problems- eg OCD, won't go away overnight, and taking myself away for a while won't solve anything.

    Have made little improvements though, which I'm taking in my stride, eg: when doing checks I turned my thoughts around, and didn't check one thing :) Which is great.

    Have councilling 2moro, and also seeing my boyfriend's Mum for lunch and a chat, I'm planning to tell her bout my self harm, why I started, how long it's been since I've harmed, about councilling, and possibly OCD, which is a bloody great step, and a personal choice to do so, my boyfriend is very supportive of this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    your-babe wrote:
    Back! I know I wasn't gone for long at all, but there are explanations behind it.

    Firstly, I kinda realised that problems- eg OCD, won't go away overnight, and taking myself away for a while won't solve anything.

    Have made little improvements though, which I'm taking in my stride, eg: when doing checks I turned my thoughts around, and didn't check one thing :) Which is great.

    Have councilling 2moro, and also seeing my boyfriend's Mum for lunch and a chat, I'm planning to tell her bout my self harm, why I started, how long it's been since I've harmed, about councilling, and possibly OCD, which is a bloody great step, and a personal choice to do so, my boyfriend is very supportive of this.

    Good to here your back and you are facing things head on. :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Good to here your back and you are facing things head on. :thumb:
    Thankyou! Feel that I may be here for a while to come yet. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

    Stuff it, going to bed. Hate thinking so much. I got so wound up earlier when I saw the porn that my boyfriend looked at in one of his mags, I mean, seriously, what the hell's wrong with me?!! I've never had a problem with it before, I've even joined him in watching it, and enjoyed it. Guessing it could be the hormones, as have had my implanon implant put in, 6 days ago, but seriously, it works that quickly?!! Hope the hormonal bitch of me goes soon :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Every so often I feel like I'm going backwards. I reach a point where I maintain a reasonable 'happiness' level. Things go ok and everything makes sense. Then it just comes on. I feel exceptionally low, and then incredibly high. I've been feeling really low about a guy recently, trying to find some sort of resolution - really like him, fear the rejection of admitting that to him! But he's the sort of person I want to love...or maybe I just miss the concept itself.

    Anyway, have had a busy time with uni atm. Just find myself unmotivated, bored, more headaches, stressed. I start to feel trapped in my room and get back to the feeling that self-harm is a way of escaping the lack of control. I am tired almost constantly. I ache inside constantly. It makes me feel ill. I keep remembering the bad features in my past. Constantly. They keep rolling over in my mind. I imagine that asking me for forgiveness sometimes, and I always ask them if they get peace when I forgive them, then when do I get my peace, when do I get to forget. I never forgive them either.

    The other night I was in floods of tears, on the phone to my ex who used to be someone who I thought understood. And I just threw all this headcase stuff at him, I was drunk ya see and today I was bouncing off the walls, I felt excited and happy and was dancing around like a loon. Now I'm sad again. I don't see how it changes it's just so fucking hard. I wanna escape all the time.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I cut my wrist. Just the left cuz I'm not good with my left hand. I did it horizantil an an inch above the wrist cuz I'm not suicideal.

    I'm not even feeling bad. I'm not feeling bad before I did it. I had quite a good day. I don't know why I did it... I knew I didn't have ay razors at home so about 30 seconds before I left work I took a box cutter and I just cut. I've not felt that good in ages.

    I hate myself for it.

    I need to talk to somebody. Every time I've tried the people always talk back. Sometimes I just need to rant. Need to talk. They don't let that happen. I just want somebody to know how I feel I want to tel and I just want somebody to say.. ok... Instead... theres nobody. No friends, no doctors, they've never done anything and in less than a month I'll be on my own so if I do want somebody to just talk to it will be a $200 conversation. Which its not worth anyways. I've been good. I've been emotional and bitchy to Ed. Every time I'm alone I think of how shitty my life is. It used to be good... in the sense that I was happy, be it drug induced... it hasn't been that way in a while. I don't care if I have to smoke 24/7 to be happy... I used to be... havn't been since. And nobody cares. Not one fucking person. And when I say something about it, all I get is, why don't you go back to that then, in an extremly sarcastic bitchy voice, then no words are spoken for a day... Ed doesn't know... he won't even let me be alone because he "doesn't trust me" He think I'm going to kill myself. If he did one bit of fucking research.



    SH doesn't mean suicde.... he refuses to learn. I hate him for that. I really do. Some things are hard to understand, but people who care about you at least try... my parents did, a couple friends did... he just takes it at serfice level and thinks the worst. He dosn't give a fuck. He refuses to even try to understand.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Keep in mind Manda that some people never get it and the might try even if they don't look like it... Nobody ever understood my SH, also I hidded from my parents from a long time, but when I told them, they didn't mae a comment about it and didn't even replied to me... SH is really not eas to understand...

    From what you say you didn't felt bad, you had a good day and you don't even understand yourself why you did it...

    SH can create endorphine which is the equivalent of morphine but created by your brain in order for you to deal with the pain...

    That's why sometimes SH arming can feel so good ad if done evely can even get you high...

    If you need any oe to talk about it, you are more than welcome to add me to your msn and talk to me anytime... I have been there, been there for more than 10 years, so I might be able to understand stuff others can't...

    Fight the urges, it is hard, really hard, it took me years to stop completly and I still got the urges sometimes, but I am proud of myself for stopping it more than I am proud of myself for aything else...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    your-babe wrote:
    Thankyou! Feel that I may be here for a while to come yet. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

    Stuff it, going to bed. Hate thinking so much. I got so wound up earlier when I saw the porn that my boyfriend looked at in one of his mags, I mean, seriously, what the hell's wrong with me?!! I've never had a problem with it before, I've even joined him in watching it, and enjoyed it. Guessing it could be the hormones, as have had my implanon implant put in, 6 days ago, but seriously, it works that quickly?!! Hope the hormonal bitch of me goes soon :(
    Sound like the hormones to me, I was an evil moody bitch for the first month/month and a half on the pill. But it does help settle your hormones and should make your PMS a lot better, well it did for me.

    I have fucked up however. :crying: Went out with him on sunday and ended up have another druken row. I'm soooo stresed at the moment due to exams/work etc. I just flipped when I got home and cut my leg for the first time in about four months. I would have preffered to do it on my wrist but its really too risky. Seem to keep having panic attacks as well! I dont seem to be making any progress at all. I just seem to be back to coping with it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    RANT alert.

    Titwankfuckarse... NOT in a good mood. I've had 4.5 hours of exams today, and it's kinda showing. I'm tired, stressed, and have had a massive arguement with the boyf.

    Keep getting such powerful urges. I know I'm going to slip up, it's just a case of when now. Before today it was a case of 'IF' I slip up.

    I'm such a bloody mess thou, I feel that I deserve to cut, to hurt myself. Why shouldn't I? They can hurt me in other ways, but what they fail to realise is that I have a much more destructive way, which is better than theirs. Just feels like I'm being pushed over the edge again.

    They don't realise how fucking hard it is to try to stop cutting, and then not ever slip up. They don't know how stressed I am. Or what I'm thinking. He doesn't give a shit though. This afternoons shown me other peoples priorities, and I'm not one of them.

    I went for a walk earlier, and tried to destress myself, but it didn't work.
    I tried to have a strong bacardi to destress me, but it didn't work.
    What else is there, apart from cutting?

    One of the reasons I can't cut is that I'm going on holdiay, and am expected to go swimming, I'm already paranoid about my scars- I can't have more. I'm scared of people looking. I'm scared of my brother seeing when he's on holiday with me, and asking me what they are. I'm scared of my reply to that, and then what he'll think of me.

    Another reason is that I can't tell my boyfriend that I've managed to slip up. How do I tell him? When do I tell him? Do I leave it til we're next together, and it's a case of him finding it?

    And can I seriously b arsed to dismantle a razor. Well, maybe not, but scissors will do.

    I'm sick of how I lean upon others to help me. I should be able to help myself, and stop myself from cutting, but I can't manage it sometimes. I just feel like a complete burden. The particular people said the usual 'it's what mates do' etc, which I appreciate, but how long til they stop believing that, and feel that I am a burden?

    I honestly hope that this does not make anyone think bad of me, or that it makes them feel low. That is not my intention. I just need to let off some steam, before I do something I will regret. Sorry.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Buds, the second you cut yourself off from other people, is the day you die. Leaning on other people is the basis of a real an genuine relationship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote:
    Buds, the second you cut yourself off from other people, is the day you die. Leaning on other people is the basis of a real an genuine relationship.
    What will be will be I s'pose.

    But they rarely lean on me. That's why I got so worried about it.



    I thought I was better, and sorted stuff out. That took so much from me. I even tried counselling. I told my boyfriend's Mum that I was feeling better, and the urges are disappearing, and that I can't see myself cutting ever again. At the time I believed it. Now I'm just laughing at myself for saying it on the inside, but crying on the outside.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Then clearly they care about you. Friends who stress you out when they know how hard things are for you often don't care very much. If you know they have problems, but they try not to worry you, that sounds like a healthy relationship to me, considering.

    Mate, even now, years after I last SH sometimes I have a near overwhelming desire to see what it's like.

    I don't eat mcdonalds, because i feel crap afterwards, bizarrely though, every few months I get one and regret it every time, because I feel crap, i seem to have an odd compulsion to remind myself how rubbish it is. And for me now, that's what SH has become, I'm 21, and last SH aged 16, but sometimes I catch myself on the corner of something, and it feels good, familiar, but still all kinds of wrong. Just like maccy D's

    I realise I'm rambling slightly, so I'll wrap up. Give yourself a break, as I understand it, I'm really rare when it comes to stopping SH the way I have, I don't know anyone else who just stopped first time, end. Not bigging myself up, just remember everyone else here has the same problem. Piccolo, darling that she is, stoped for 8 weeks or something then started again, many others have the same issue over and over...

    ok stopping now.

    BTW, I'll stick around online if you want to chat... k?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thankyou, I really appreciate it. Just talking to someone is calming me down a bit.

    Just talked to a friend, and he said how all he wants is to support me, like I supported him through his problems, and said that he'd always be there. Which made me smile.

    The first smile I've actually had this eve. I was meant to be celebrating. Instead I'm spending the night in on my own, feeling low as shit, and don't even feel relieved that my exams are over.

    Self Harm does make me feel like shit. And I totally agree with you, I just want a reminder to how shit it makes me feel. But I want it for other reasons too.

    I wish I could go as long as you with no harming. It isn't going to happen though. It's very unrealistic for me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, like I said, I think I'm a bit rare.

    have you got a red felt tip? Last time it was really, "my word, I'm actually going to" i found that drawing on my arms in red pen worked. but I would also recommend reminding yourself of the shame, the hassle, yet another injury to disguise/treat another scar to try and hide to join with all the other that make wearing some items of clothing beyond embarrassing.

    How many baptists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    CHANGE?!?!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No :( The only pen I have at the mo is a permenant black marker. Which I ain't using!
    You're right thou, is it really worth having to stuff a load more cocoa butter on to try to make it disappear, and is it also worth the risk of infection- as I'm not good with the whole infection type thing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Did the joke make you laugh? It wasn't very good, but I live in hope.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote:
    Did the joke make you laugh? It wasn't very good, but I live in hope.
    I didn't get it :( I'm a bit blonde when it comes to jokes though
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It takes the rip out of baptists, they're very resistant to changes, hense the CHANGE?! in an outraged tone of voice as the punch line.......

    I'll think of a better one
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote:
    It takes the rip out of baptists, they're very resistant to changes, hense the CHANGE?! in an outraged tone of voice as the punch line.......

    I'll think of a better one
    oooooh i see :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Right got on

    Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when One said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want”.
    "The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote:
    Right got on

    Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when One said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want”.
    "The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
    :thumb: Get that one!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I’m an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool!"


    feeling better?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote:
    An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I’m an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool!"


    feeling better?
    :D Yeah, thnuk. Heading off now I think... so tired. Thankyou. I appreciate it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    G'night kiddo, chin up
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