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Jokes...

MixBotMixBot Posts: 8,656 Automated Account
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face. With both hands. "Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
Beep boop. I'm a bot.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Haha ewww..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A woman's husband died.

    He had left $30,000 to be used for an elaborate funeral. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely nothing left from the $30,000."

    The friend asks, "How can that be?"

    The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And, of course, I made a donation to the church -- that was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks -- you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

    The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

    The widow says, "Four and a half carats."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day of
    trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was
    due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for
    clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and
    depressed.

    As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him.
    "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and
    on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
    went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot
    soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
    told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution
    and would not be hanged that night after all.

    Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go
    upstairs to give him the good news.

    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
    husband's rear end and private parts as he was bent over naked drying
    his legs and feet.

    "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

    He whirled around and screamed,
    "FOR CRISAKE , WOMAN! DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!!"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married:

    The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'.

    I told my husband that I would be home by midnight "I promise!"

    Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

    Just as I got in the door the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

    Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to avoid possible conflict with him.

    (Even when totally smashed, 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total 12 cuckoos--Midnight!)

    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 'midnight'. He didn't seem pissed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

    The he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

    When I asked him why, he said, "Well last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said 'Oh, s__t!', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

    "What's wrong Marge?" she asked.

    Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."

    Surprised the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant."

    "I'm not," the harried young woman replied. "I'm just damn sick of mornings!"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married:

    The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'.

    I told my husband that I would be home by midnight "I promise!"

    Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

    Just as I got in the door the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

    Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to avoid possible conflict with him.

    (Even when totally smashed, 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total 12 cuckoos--Midnight!)

    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 'midnight'. He didn't seem pissed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

    The he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

    When I asked him why, he said, "Well last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said 'Oh, s__t!', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
    I liked that one :lol:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Zero to 200:

    >>A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
    >>"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something
    >
    >>in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"
    >>
    >>The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a package in the
    >
    >>driveway. She brought it inside, opened it .... and found a brand new
    >
    >>set of bathroom scales.
    >>
    >>His funeral is tomorrow........
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