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Jealousy is driving me crazy - help! :o(
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I can't seem to shake away the black cloud i have hanging over my head. I feel like a fraud as there is no obvious reason why i should be feeling and acting the way do.
I have a lot of good in my life. I have a good, respectable job which is going well. I have a great family who, although my parents are divorced, have never shown me anything but love. I have recently bought my first property and love the feeling of independence it gives me. I have a number of friends scattered around the country, from college/university/work. Although i don't really have anyone in particular who i would consider my 'best' friend, i know there are people out there that i could contact if i needed someone. And finally, i have a boyfriend who i adore.
For some reason though, this is where my problems seem to lie.
I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months and, after having a wealth of experience over the years with relationships, i know i have met someone who i can imagine spending the rest of my life with. My problem is that as the months go on i am becoming increasingly irrational in my thoughts and moods. I trust my boyfriend 100% but i still find myself worrying that he will meet someone else and leave me.
I am a very logical person (or at least i like to think i am). I know that there is no possible way he could be seeing anyone else as we spend a lot of time together and when we are apart we are talking or texting on the phone. I believe him when he says he loves me and he has shared with me his desire for us to think about moving in together within the next year (something which i want too).
Regardless of this i still find myself snooping through his phone and emails. I hate myself for doing this but can't seem to stop myself. By doing this i have discovered that he has had contact with his ex girlfriend - nothing major, just a hello and a catch up on news a couple of times, and not necessarily instigated by him. I'm not stupid and i understand that people often do keep in contact after they break up. And if i'm honest with myself, i know that my boyfriend would have no interest in getting back together with his ex. The problem is i have asked him recently if he has heard from her at all and he confidently looked me in the eye and said no. Obviously i know this isn't the case and now i feel uneasy because he has so blantently lied to me. I know he didn't tell me the truth because he probably thought i'd get insecure about it but that doesn't stop me feeling the way i do.
Even though my boyfriend doesn't know about the snooping, he knows that something's not right. Whenever we go out and have a few drinks i always end up getting insecure and start behaving in a stupid way - saying irrational things and accusing him of saying/doing things. The next day he's always really good and says he understands but i can tell it frustrates him. He says that by being insecure it makes him feel bad as he thinks he obviously doesn't show me he loves me enough. I don't want him feeling bad when it is me that has the issues. I can't keep on going the way i am though as everytime i drink alcohol i get the same way, like i can't hide my true feelings. I can get quite angry and we often end up arguing at the end of the night.
I'm so up and down with my emotions. I hate feeling so insecure as i'm normally quite a confident person. I feel like i've got demons in my head and i can't seem to battle them away. I'm not sure what i'm expecting to get out of posting this message but i feel like i've got to get my thoughts down in the hope that someone can stop me feeling like this before i completely ruin my relationship with my boyfriend.
Any advice is welcome. Thanks for listening.
I have a lot of good in my life. I have a good, respectable job which is going well. I have a great family who, although my parents are divorced, have never shown me anything but love. I have recently bought my first property and love the feeling of independence it gives me. I have a number of friends scattered around the country, from college/university/work. Although i don't really have anyone in particular who i would consider my 'best' friend, i know there are people out there that i could contact if i needed someone. And finally, i have a boyfriend who i adore.
For some reason though, this is where my problems seem to lie.
I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months and, after having a wealth of experience over the years with relationships, i know i have met someone who i can imagine spending the rest of my life with. My problem is that as the months go on i am becoming increasingly irrational in my thoughts and moods. I trust my boyfriend 100% but i still find myself worrying that he will meet someone else and leave me.
I am a very logical person (or at least i like to think i am). I know that there is no possible way he could be seeing anyone else as we spend a lot of time together and when we are apart we are talking or texting on the phone. I believe him when he says he loves me and he has shared with me his desire for us to think about moving in together within the next year (something which i want too).
Regardless of this i still find myself snooping through his phone and emails. I hate myself for doing this but can't seem to stop myself. By doing this i have discovered that he has had contact with his ex girlfriend - nothing major, just a hello and a catch up on news a couple of times, and not necessarily instigated by him. I'm not stupid and i understand that people often do keep in contact after they break up. And if i'm honest with myself, i know that my boyfriend would have no interest in getting back together with his ex. The problem is i have asked him recently if he has heard from her at all and he confidently looked me in the eye and said no. Obviously i know this isn't the case and now i feel uneasy because he has so blantently lied to me. I know he didn't tell me the truth because he probably thought i'd get insecure about it but that doesn't stop me feeling the way i do.
Even though my boyfriend doesn't know about the snooping, he knows that something's not right. Whenever we go out and have a few drinks i always end up getting insecure and start behaving in a stupid way - saying irrational things and accusing him of saying/doing things. The next day he's always really good and says he understands but i can tell it frustrates him. He says that by being insecure it makes him feel bad as he thinks he obviously doesn't show me he loves me enough. I don't want him feeling bad when it is me that has the issues. I can't keep on going the way i am though as everytime i drink alcohol i get the same way, like i can't hide my true feelings. I can get quite angry and we often end up arguing at the end of the night.
I'm so up and down with my emotions. I hate feeling so insecure as i'm normally quite a confident person. I feel like i've got demons in my head and i can't seem to battle them away. I'm not sure what i'm expecting to get out of posting this message but i feel like i've got to get my thoughts down in the hope that someone can stop me feeling like this before i completely ruin my relationship with my boyfriend.
Any advice is welcome. Thanks for listening.
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Comments
plus, by doing so, you risk reading something, and without knowing the context, getting completely the wrong idea and making a big mess, it will just make things worse in the long run, building up the guilt of sneaking around behind his back checking up on him, so just don't do it!
It sounds as if you're going through quite a tough time at the moment and are having a crisis of confidence - the good thing is that you are facing up to the problems you are experiencing which is really positive.
Jealousy can be a really destructive thing, so it's probably worthwhile trying to understand exactly what it is and why you're feeling like you are.
Have a look at Understanding jealousy which is a fab article on the BBC.
Snooping can be equally problematic - it's good to try and remember that everyone is entitled to privacy and a life that isn't completely transparent to their partner. You say yourself that the text messages don't seem like they're a threat to you - so it's probably time to stop reading them. Have a look at TheSite's article on snooping for more insight.
Finally, think about focusing on yourself and your crushed confidence - feeling happy in a relationship is next to impossible when we don't feel happy with ourselves. If you feel like you need to talk to someone in confidence about what you're going through then you may want to consider counselling.
Hope this helps - take care