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How to ruin your life in one easy step

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So we're now back to the jewish girl, who unfortunately i can't stop myself liking, i've tried because it's killing me but i'm constantly thinking about her, every minute of every day - it was never this bad but now i'm always thinking about her, all of the time, sometimes it's good and I like thinking about her but sometimes it really hurts.

Anyway, I told her I liked her and she said she wasn't interested right now - fair enough, just be good friends right? Well I tried, but I panic too much - just get these worries all the time about whether i've upset her, whether we're still friends, what she thinks about me - and when I tell my friends this because they can visibly see I get quite distressed by the whole thing (although I feel very comfortable/happiest? when around her) and then they go and tell her that i've been thinking about her loads - and this obviously creeps her out.

So anyway, I do speak to/call/text/msn her quite a bit, though no more than I would with any close friend to be fair. I was also talking about my worries about me and her to a friend, who volunteered to have a word with the girl and then told the girl that i'd asked her to have a word. Anyway, she told me she thinks i'm crowding her, pushing things a bit too hard, she says i'm driving her insane because i'm putting her under immense pressure and she wants me to not speak to her for a while. In addition those of my friends who are also her friend are getting really arsey about the whole damn thing and are barely speaking to me... The whole thing is getting me really upset and depressed, I know I shouldn't be getting like this over one girl (yes, I know there's thousands out there) and i've liked plenty of people before - but it's hit me really hard, i've never thought about someone ALL THE TIME before, it's surely not natural... and all I think about is how I can sweep her off her feet and make her the happiest girl in the world.

The whole damn thing is just getting me really down, seeing a counsellor later today but don't know what that'll do - why do I get myself into a state over these things, why?!? Maybe I can just lie low for a couple of weeks and then pick it up and tell her i've taken what she said on board and we can get back to being happy friends again but I don't know.

It's weird because I turned up to her birthday thing (just a quiet affair), and stayed until the end like all of her close friends - and then went back to her place, gave her a present she absolutely loved 2 days later, you should've seen her face, it was wonderful... and the next day things just went pear-shaped. It's so frustrating.

Argh...
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When a girl says "let's just be friends" nine times out of ten, she means it (the one time out of ten, where you might still have a chance being when an ex-girlfriend says it). Pushing her to go out with you, or telling her how much you love her/have been thinking about her will only creep her out, like you said.

    It's difficult, maybe even impossible, to be friends with someone who you have strong feelings for. You'll end up getting jealous every time she's with another guy. A friend of mine had a male best friend through the whole of uni, who used to be 'in love' with her, even though they never went out or anything. Now after uni, he's treating her like shit, because she's got a proper boyfriend, and he's blatantly jealous. Let's face it, until he gets over her, he's never going to be a proper friend, and the same applies to you.

    That's easier said than done, of course, but I find that as soon as you meet someone else that you like, you'll tend to see the original girl as just a friend again. Try not to dwell on it too much. Keep busy, and be doing things that will keep you occupied, and that just might introduce you to someone who you like, and who feels the same way. You don't have to stop hanging out with her or anything, but maybe not so much one-on-one, and maybe with less of the 'I think about you all the time' type conversations. And also maybe apologise for acting like a bit of a twat with her lately.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not surprised your freaking her out, just reading what you're like freaked me out and I only read it and haven't had to experience it first hand.

    I know its hard when you like someone but banging on about it to someone who doesn't feel the same way is bound to freak them out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just to clarify - I haven't discussed with her how I feel save but once - the rest of the time it's always been with friends
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    dr_carter wrote:
    Just to clarify - I haven't discussed with her how I feel save but once -

    thats not actually what the problem is
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah..like the others have hinted at, i'd say the problem is that shes not interested and youre still going after her. Just walk away, dont talk to her, dont talk about her and dont be a stalker.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When a girl says "let's just be friends" nine times out of ten, she means it (the one time out of ten, where you might still have a chance being when an ex-girlfriend says it). Pushing her to go out with you, or telling her how much you love her/have been thinking about her will only creep her out, like you said.

    Indeed. And talking from experience, if you keeping on pushing a girl to go out with you, the less likely she is to do that.

    How exactly has this ruined your life? Or do you do nothing more than chase girls?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not surprised your freaking her out, just reading what you're like freaked me out and I only read it and haven't had to experience it first hand.

    :lol: i'm not the only one then.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have to still talk to her - she's my friend.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    dr_carter wrote:
    I have to still talk to her - she's my friend.

    well then apologise for creeping her out, tell her you didn't mean to and you were just gutted cos you think she's a lovely person, you'd still like to hang out etc etc........then back off a bit, if you're really hooked on someone then spending a lot of time around them only makes it harder to get over them......good luck with that :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you need to just back off, accept she doesn't want to be with you, and move on.

    It might hurt like a motherfucker, but you'll just need to learn for the next time.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Bri-namite wrote:
    I think you need to just back off, accept she doesn't want to be with you, and move on.

    It might hurt like a motherfucker, but you'll just need to learn for the next time.

    :yes: And give her some space.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A guys acting like that with my girlfriend, but she just backed off from him a bit and he seems to have go tthe message. They still talk, but he's not all over her now (well, I say that...). Anyway, all I'm saying is its not easy to reject someone, and then its just uncomfortable and weird when you reject them but they still stick to you like glue. Just a thought :chin:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    dr_carter wrote:
    So we're now back to the jewish girl, who unfortunately i can't stop myself liking,

    Is it possible that she is holding back from you because she is Jewish? Like many other faiths, Jews very often don't date outside of their community ...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    possibly - someone i know says she said once that she wouldn't date anyone who wasn't jewish - but her last two boyfriends weren't jewish so... go figure?

    the thing is - i'm just trying to be good friends with her, which is what we agreed we both wanted... and she says she's still my friend but I need some time away from her for my own good. So i'm probably going to give it a couple of weeks and see how I feel, she's pretty stressy at minute anyway due to other things so I can go back, tell her i've taken what she said on board, apologise for being a tit and hopefully go back to normal - although a little less full-on!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    dr_carter wrote:
    possibly - someone i know says she said once that she wouldn't date anyone who wasn't jewish - but her last two boyfriends weren't jewish so... go figure?

    Don't try to justify to yourself why she won't go out with you. She just won't and you have to get the message and move on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    possibly - someone i know says she said once that she wouldn't date anyone who wasn't jewish - but her last two boyfriends weren't jewish so... go figure?

    maybe you should take a step back and go figure yourself
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sidtec wrote:
    Don't try to justify to yourself why she won't go out with you. She just won't and you have to get the message and move on.

    IMO, she doesn't need a reason either...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I love how you're all ganging up on me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You can't make people care about you.

    And you can't really "try" and be good mates with someone either, it's something that's developed over time. It's sure as fuck not something that's used as a consolation prize because she won't go out with you.

    Going by what you said in the first post, you're really into her and I'm sorry but I think you probably see it as another angle to try and pull her. As has been said, if you've got feelings for someone then the friendship rarely works, especially if you keep hassling her.

    Just back off, the balls in her court. If she wants to talk to you then she knows where you are.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    im in a very similar situation, and my mates knowing the girl only makes things worse because it just gets me paranoid. But end of the day, there r a lot of good things u can do with a best mate kinda girl, without the jip u get from an official girlfriend.

    On the flip side, i had a (rare!) girl fallin for me, and her being attracted to me did kinda feel gud, cos i had nothing to lose... that was over a year ago, and i still kno her now, she is with a different bloke, but i feel bad for being like that to her, its not fair on ppl almost leadin them on like that, i kno how u feel...

    If she really is jus bein awkward, she will regret it wen she realises wot she missed out on, what comes around goes around as i have found out to my expense

    Good luck!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know exactly how you feel, but there have been some good points posted on here that you really do need to take in. Yes it is really hard to get over someone when you're their friend, but believe me, it took AGES for me to get over this girl at my school who I didn't even know very well! So I guess it doesn't always make any difference whether you know them or not. But anyway you must be very careful not to scare her, because (being a girl) I know that girls hate clingy guys that get over-paranoid and worry too much about what they say and do. It just gets too much for the girl to cope with in the end and they just want out. I say give her space - maybe not blank her totally - but just let her be for a while, and she may even come back to you in time. As for getting over her, well, first of all I can't stand it when people say "oh just get over her and move on", because you can't be expected to get over someone just like that, it's simply impossible. To me, that's the lamest advice ever. Second, perhaps staying away from her a little bit might help you get over her? Or maybe you could try getting a crush on a celeb or something! Other than that just give it time. Also don't think that it isn't natural to think about someone in every spare second you have, because it's totally normal - we've all been there.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So... what you HAVE to do, is give her space for awhile, let her contact you first if possible. Stop trying to even be her friend, and see if she misses you, if she does, be her friend, if it goes further, then let HER do it.

    That's what I did, I had a friend that I had feelings for, and I decided to stop following like a puppy and get a life. A week later, she confronted me with her love of me. It'll be 10 months in two weeks. :cool:

    So try it, and for the love of God, don't ever say anything about the subject of you and her being together, and stop trying to be a 'good friend' and maybe back it down a bit.

    Hope it helps, although there is tons of information on this topic already to choose from! :yippe:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm giving her space, bullying myself into not thinking about her all the time. Will probably attempt to approach her come the end of next week and see what happens.
    I'm going to stop talking to other people about her - and just to clarify, we WERE good friends and she's just asked me to avoid her for a bit for my own good. So we should be okay together once i've sorted myself out.
    Was a little bit worried about tomorrow night because there's an afterparty and she'll be there and i'll be there and these things generally turn into random drunk pulling so was worried how i'd feel if she was going around pulling randoms, or even worse my friends... but don't actually care right now, she'll do what she wants and i'll do what I want, and if our paths cross - i'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if you are assuming that shes going to be going around pulling randoms, and that it also bothers you, i really dont think shes right for you
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    MrG wrote:
    if you are assuming that shes going to be going around pulling randoms, and that it also bothers you, i really dont think shes right for you

    :yes:

    And does it matter if she goes around pulling random people?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well - it normally happens in these afterparty things, what i'm worried about is how it'll make me feel if I still like her... Although I know it means nothing, that still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt you when you like the girl.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i went on the ignoring approach with the girl i have been similiar to u with, and she turned around and sed there was summit there, but as soon as i paid her attention again, she went back to normal and sed she jus felt lonely, basically attention seekin.

    Jus watch out, there are girls about who take advantage of nice blokes, as i have found, and been told on many occasions. They r nice enough ppl, but wen it comes to bein with sum1, they have nothing to lose it playin you a bit, and it hurts, it did me. Jus gotta get on with life, and try and be a bit harsh wth her.

    Not that i am one to talk!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ah, you have no idea how hard it is to even think of being harsh to her. I would do nothing to hurt her, I would honestly do absolutely anything for her, even just because I love her so much as a friend.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    dr_carter wrote:
    Ah, you have no idea how hard it is to even think of being harsh to her. I would do nothing to hurt her, I would honestly do absolutely anything for her, even just because I love her so much as a friend.

    if you love her so much as a friend, then i think thats why a relationship between you and her wouldnt work out
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry if I seem a bit dim but I don't get this MrG - I mean, surely being good friends is the basis to any good relationship?
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