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Class/Background in a relationship

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
How important do you think being from a similar background is in a relationship?

It's never bothered me, I've been out with all sorts and I generally try to be as non-judgemental as I can.
However I've been with a guy about 5 months who is from a totally different background to me. I worked hard at school, had education drilled into me from a young age. Straight A student, went to uni etc etc. but I've always been a free spirit and had pretty liberal teenage years. My boyfriend left school at 14/15 and sometimes it really shows. Generally, he has just had a totally different upbringing and lifestyle.

Sometimes it causes a few arguments, like about him not understanding how university is important to me. I love him to bits and I know he loves me but sometimes I crave conversation which is a little more..stimulating. However it's not enough to make me end it and I'm enjoying being with him at the moment so it's all good.

However, it's pathetic I know but I can't bring myself to introduce him to my parents yet, and I keep making excuses. They're not judgemental people, but I guess they've hoped I'd find a nice intelligent guy at uni who'd be from a similar background. I know for a fact they won't understand what I see in this guy. Anyway it's gotta happen at some point, is it odd to wait 6 months before introducing someone to your parents?!
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it depends on the individual how much it matters. I was in a very similar situation, but I got bored in the relationship because conversation was not at a level I would like, and he didn't understand how important uni was. When it came to a choice between him (boyfriend of 2 years) and another guy, I think in the end I plumped for the guy that I saw reflected in me (the other guy) in a way because he understood me a lot more, both emotionally and intellectually. And I needed to be understood.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Class and background don't matter in a relationship, but if your partner isn't of a similar intelligence as yourself the relationship isn't going to last. And if you don't have at least some similar interests then you won't get far either.

    I'm from a slightly lower background than the missus (I was the first in my entire family to go to uni) but we're of similar standing in interests so we're fine. If all I liked was football and beer then we probably wouldn't.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I might be a lonely voice here, but I don't think that it does matter. Especially in terms of academic ability/experience, as I think general insight and intelligence are a lot more important than when you left school and what qualifications you have. Some of the most interesting and intelligent company I keep is with people who left school at 15, and some of the most staggeringly idiotic people I know are studying incredibly complex degrees at the moment. I suppose it's just my own take on things, I don't like to see things measured by how many certificates you have or how many years you put in... (or maybe I've just got a bit of a chip on my own shoulder) - but people have different priorities and it's only when the different paths you've taken start to affect your happiness in the relationship that that becomes a problem...

    I suppose you have to decide for yourself how important the difference you see in your background and upbringing is in this instance - because I'm sure everyone on here would hold it at a different level of importance. The issue is probably why his background is an issue after five months together. The conversation probably isn't going to get any more intellectual, but if you're happy at the moment then why not just go with the flow and see where your feelings take you.. :)

    I wouldn't say six months without meeting your parents is odd, suppose it depends if you've met his etc. If he's actually keen to meet them then he might feel a little affronted I guess, but it's nowt to worry about as I see it. I'm sure the opportunity will arise for meeting the parents if and when you're both ready, there's definitely no time-limit on it imo. :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    my bf left school and went straight into work, i'm finishing soon but going on to a levels then hopefully uni. We come from different backgrounds but we're on the same level mentally.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hmm it depends. i like someone to have ambition so not sure i'd be up for going out with someone who worked in a chicken factory.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Me and my boyfriend are completely different.... i'm at Uni, having done well at A levels, he dropped out of school with hardly any GCSE's and is currently working, we've been together for 8 months and we're still going strong.... so I don't think it matters
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    briggi wrote:
    I might be a lonely voice here, but I don't think that it does matter. Especially in terms of academic ability/experience, as I think general insight and intelligence are a lot more important than when you left school and what qualifications you have.

    Yeah, that's what I was trying to say, but making a pig's ear of it.

    If you're bright it'd be boring and trying to date someone who was a bit thick, had no ambition, and couldn't string three words together.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm from England and am in my final year of a Physical Sciences degree. The boyfriend is from a favela (slum) in Brazil and lives in a house made of wood with a tin roof and still hasn't completed high school. But it we love each other like crazy and it works well between us.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Pink Soda wrote:
    How important do you think being from a similar background is in a relationship?

    It's never bothered me, I've been out with all sorts and I generally try to be as non-judgemental as I can.
    [...]

    Actually, I always look out for girls with a similar background - as you call it, or let's say with a kinda similar education status.

    I was once hitting on this girl, but she quit school early and never learned anything, was just working. Later, when the infatuation wore off, I was happy it did not work out.

    This is a common thing, to spend time with people of similar education/social status, because many topics and opinions arise of your position in society.

    This is just me, if you really love him, make it work.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To me class wouldn't matter, to a point...

    In my childhood we were hard up, pretty much beause of my father's refusal to pay proper child support... I think if I went out with a 'rich kid' who had no sympathy with people who are ahrd up, or somebody who was snobbish I couldn't be with them.

    I think our past experiences shape our view of the world and often we look fr somebody on a similar wavelength on that respect.

    Someof the most intelligent and inspiring people I've met have come from working class backgrounds and have no higher education, I don't think education matters. I think passion does.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kermit wrote:
    Yeah, that's what I was trying to say, but making a pig's ear of it.

    If you're bright it'd be boring and trying to date someone who was a bit thick, had no ambition, and couldn't string three words together.

    I completely agree. People are quick to make assumptions.

    My ex left school at the age of fifteen with no GCSEs and didn't fair well academically but he managed to get a job as an I.T support manager. It came down to his confidence and way with people. I really admired him for it and like to think its rubbed off on me a little bit.

    Some people who are recognised as bright academically have no people skills whatsoever.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes it does matter to me. I couldn't see myself going out with an upper class person. I don't like their behaviour, mannerisms and their general attitude towards "common" people.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    turlough wrote:
    Yes it does matter to me. I couldn't see myself going out with an upper class person. I don't like their behaviour, mannerisms and their general attitude towards "common" people.

    What do you see as an 'upper class' person?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My bf of 16 months is 2 years older than me, and we have different aspirations, and interests, so I doubt this will last past my A levels, which is sad, really, as he's lovely for me in every other way.

    I want to go onto study criminology and psychology at university, and I'm really interested in art and culture. Hes thinking about dropping out of his Sports Science course, and isn't really interested in anything but dance music and football. I'm an A-grade student, he got mostly D's in his GCSEs, and spent most of his teenage years getting into fights and skiving school. He's fostered and spends most of his money on his lazy parents, who spend every day down the pub, or drugged up. I'm not from a wealthy family - we don't own a house, and we've never had the money for anything new, but my parents values aren't materialistic like his, and they thrive on culture and art too. My friends are your average gang of girlies with ambition, his mates see me as snobby, and can't seem to strike up conversation with me.

    My bf and I don't 'fit', but we love each other, for the now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote:
    What do you see as an 'upper class' person?

    Rich snobs who partake in things like horse riding lessons and crap like that!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    turlough wrote:
    Rich snobs who partake in things like horse riding lessons and crap like that!

    :lol: *spits orange squash across the screen*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry but isnt that a bit snobby yourself. Just because you come from a wealthy family doesnt make you a snobby/ bad person. I have polo/ ruggers playing friends who shop in jaeger, and they are still kind, genuine people. I dont think what class of society your from makes a difference - it is the individual person.

    Although some of them still have terrible fashion sense - even with all that money!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    talia wrote:
    Although some of them still have terrible fashion sense - even with all that money!

    If they shop in Jaeger and are younger than 45 then yes.
    Though I must admit Jaeger have some amazing bags and accesories. But definitely a no-go when it comes to actual clothing.

    On the actual topic. It's down to the individual.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Randomgirl wrote:
    I'm from England and am in my final year of a Physical Sciences degree. The boyfriend is from a favela (slum) in Brazil and lives in a house made of wood with a tin roof and still hasn't completed high school. But it we love each other like crazy and it works well between us.
    I think that's pretty impressive tbh. Are you in a long-distance relationship then, or does he live with you?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think girls are less likely to look "below themselves" especially when you're talking about serious relationships. Attraction for girls is partially based on social status, therefore you don't get many rich girls settling down for a life of happiness with the local butcher (though if he's hot, they might have the odd fling with him ;)).

    I don't think it's as much of an issue for blokes. I wouldn't go out with someone who wasn't on the same wavelength than me, but that's more down to personality than class or background. Though the chances of meeting someone who 'gets me' are improved with people who share similar experiences. I think intelligence is important to a degree. Again, I think girls put more emphasis on having a bloke or equal or greater intelligence than them, than the other way around (though other attractive qualities can lessen the importance placed on this). But I think similar interests are way more important. Someone with equal intellect to you but none of the same interests or viewpoints would be no fun. But with someone who isn't as intelligent or knowledgable, but shares your interests, you could have a lot of fun 'teaching' that person (trying hard not to sound really patronising).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Snobs will always be snobs...end of story!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    turlough wrote:
    Snobs will always be snobs...end of story!

    But by saying that it makes you just as snobby as them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    turlough wrote:
    Snobs will always be snobs...end of story!


    well yeh, just like a cat will always be a cat..?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    turlough wrote:
    Rich snobs who partake in things like horse riding lessons and crap like that!

    So because I'm a horse owner I'm automatically rich and snobby? I wish, now join the real world.

    On topic, I don't think social standing matters unless you're talking about upperclass dating lower class, which would seem a bit odd to me. I agree that intelligence is more important than what's written on your CV.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    But by saying that it makes you just as snobby as them.

    Not really I've tried to talk to them and be polite but they just take one glance and stick their noses up, not even worth the effort.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think it really matters what class/background you come from. As long as the individuals have things in common and are on the same wavelength then they shouldn't have any problems being together. Personally, I wouldn't date a guy who was of below average intelligence, because I wouldn't feel able to talk about things I'd usually talk about. Just because someone is working class it doesn't mean they aren't intelligent :yes:. So er, I'd date anyone regardless of class as long as I liked them.
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    So because I'm a horse owner I'm automatically rich and snobby? I wish, now join the real world.

    On topic, I don't think social standing matters unless you're talking about upperclass dating lower class, which would seem a bit odd to me. I agree that intelligence is more important than what's written on your CV.

    What do you mean by "lower class?" - be careful about the terminology you use as that's really derogatory - especially if you're trying to say that you're not a snobby person as that's exactly what a snobby person would say.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maybe lowerclass wasn't the best phrase, just used it because it is considered the opposite of upperclass. I can't really think of a better word, but to me anybody that is living off government benefits because they can't be bothered working (not because they're ill/retired/a parent/can't find a job etc) would be lower class. I suspect it's defined by wealth though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    turlough wrote:
    Snobs will always be snobs...end of story!

    I agree with this, my boyfriend is working class, he's saving up to go to college. He didnt decide this until after he met me, he said i showed him he can do better. This wasnt intentional, he just saw me workin for my degree and it made him see he wanted the same.

    I think people in general should be less quick to judge people based on their background. It's whats inside that really counts.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maybe lowerclass wasn't the best phrase, just used it because it is considered the opposite of upperclass. I can't really think of a better word, but to me anybody that is living off government benefits because they can't be bothered working (not because they're ill/retired/a parent/can't find a job etc) would be lower class.
    Actually, that's underclass :p. And just above that is working class.

    Anyway, to continue the gross stereotypes, I've always found the proper toffs to be a good laugh. It's those one's in the middle that you've got to be careful of. The one's that look down on you because you own a Ford Focus, not an Audi, or because you're kids go to state schools and their's go to private. I find you get more snobbery from those who are just a little bit more well off than you, rather than those who's family owns whole towns. I reckon proper toffs are far more likely to be the victim of snobbery from working class people than the other way round.
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