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When its a joke to one, but borderline cheating to the other...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
What do you do? Things like cybersex, text-sex and that aren't as clear cut as shagging someone, but they could still be construed to be wrong, when you're in a relationship. What do you do in a relationship if one of you thinks its wrong, and the other thinks its just a joke and because it doesnt bother them its ok?
I am probably being too sensitive. My girlfriend flirts quite 'harmlessly', but tonight I saw a text from a guy, who was saying how she could give him 'a hand' in the shower - id rather not go into more detail. (i was reading over her shoulder when she was texting, so she didnt mind). She didnt respond with things as vulgar, but Im really paranoid now. And its so petty.
My girlfriend was instantly apologetic, and I dont blame her for it, but I feel like ive been betrayed. Not by her, but... i still have that gut wrenching feeling you get. Im just wondering when im not around how she would have reacted to the text. Its making me feel sick kinda.
Just to say again, I dont blame my girlfriend, but now i dont trust her in the same way - like Im paranoid what shes saying to other guys.
Help
I am probably being too sensitive. My girlfriend flirts quite 'harmlessly', but tonight I saw a text from a guy, who was saying how she could give him 'a hand' in the shower - id rather not go into more detail. (i was reading over her shoulder when she was texting, so she didnt mind). She didnt respond with things as vulgar, but Im really paranoid now. And its so petty.
My girlfriend was instantly apologetic, and I dont blame her for it, but I feel like ive been betrayed. Not by her, but... i still have that gut wrenching feeling you get. Im just wondering when im not around how she would have reacted to the text. Its making me feel sick kinda.
Just to say again, I dont blame my girlfriend, but now i dont trust her in the same way - like Im paranoid what shes saying to other guys.
Help
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i know the guy, im surprised hes done this, the other day he texted her saying he didnt want to get between me and her because he thought she had feelings for him (cos she was talking to him on msn), and today...
I dont know what i would say to him to be honest. Part of me wants to hit him, but thats uncalled for, and not how i do things anyway. I dont know, its just he knows we're going out, hell he was sitting next to us while we were cuddling, its just so not on!
I can pretty much garuntee there is nothing going on between them
I know this guy, cos we used to hang out at primary school together. Now we're at the same college, and I chat to him, like an aquantence. My girlfirend started talking to him on tuesday after they swapped MSN addresses and she thinks he's cool - Ive got no issue here. He hangs out with both of us at lunch, but then when he starts sending graphic text messages i.e. inviting sexual talk then hes stepped over the line. He was probably just horny, but there are boundaries.
I am confident my girlfriend hasnt had cyber sex or anything with others whilst going out with me, just her receiving it has kinda made me feel weird and a mixture of emotions, because its not something we've had to deal with in our relationship before. My girlfriend I think feels even worse though, I think shes blaming herself, and I feel bad I reacted so badly now because it makes her blame herself more.
hmmmm. :chin:
Get a backbone! Seriously, your acting like you feel guilty about the way you feel, its her in the wrong here not you.
im not really a trusting sort of person anyway but this kind of behaviour would put a red flag up straight away!
But at LEAST one of you should say something to this guy cause he TOTALLY stepped out of line. It's only respectful to yourselves as a couple to do so.
And as far as the encouragement goes, when he texted something like this (it turned out on wednesday after she'd been round mine for the evening they were texting, and there was a comment about her in the shower and him in a tree with binoculars) she replies with something like 'lol
But yea, will need to have a think. On the one hand, its not on, but on the other, she doesn't have that many good friends and she's got a good friendship with this guy, hes just stepped over the line once or twice, i wouldnt like to ruin things, cos I know guys like that once they've been set back can stop all contact.
I could embarress him though :chin: he talks at school like hes an avatar of justice or something, writing stories about himself saving the world. Classic.
:yes:
the issue with her isn't that she's responding to him, or even that she's encouraging him. it's that she's allowing him to get away with it. it sounds a little to me like she enjoys the attention of someone flirting shamelessly with her, even if she doesn't intend to respond.
has she tried just replying with something like 'i wish you wouldn't text me things like that, it makes me really uncomfortable'? if he is just being harmless, he probably doesn't even realise he's causing problems, and this might just stop it without making a huge issue out of it, and thus destroying their friendship.
having said that, if he's really only known her 4 days, then i doubt they have a friendship at all yet, let alone a good one, and i dread to think what this guy will be like when he knows her really well.
I'd hate to see something like that. I'd end up thinking they had the thought or willingness to cheat but couldn't be bothered to get up, go out and actually do it.
but therse harmless fun and then thers not so harmless fun. if it would upset your boyfriend then there is an issue there, surely..
today was great, i had 9 hours on my own at the coop and seriously struggled to find anything to do to take my mind off it.
I think she does enjoy the attention. She didnt seem that bothered by it until she saw my reaction (i went deathly pale lol
I don't think your girl is in the wrong here, but you need to make it clear that her flirting in such a manner makes you feel uncomfortable, and that you would rather she made this other boy respect the boundaries of your relationship.
She will enjoy the attention, everyone does. She isn't going to exactly be qweeping into her weetabix at the thought of her still being sexually attractive to other men. You just need to clarify tghe boundaries of what you consider to be harmless fun, and what you think is inappropriate.
Your gf may see things differently, but be mature and be prepared to compromise.
Every relationship is different, and each one has its own boundaries. I'd have found something like that amusing, but I am not you.
I didn't know the person as it was a guy from a different office in her company. I'd have a word with her if i was you. and with him.
Edit: it could be just harmless fun. but i'd be wary, but thats me
The only thing is guys like this, you need to say a firm back off to. If hes been that heavy flirting with her after a couple of days... and hes done it with other girls too.. but they just laughed at him - that wasnt so much an issue as she was single.
Why wouldn't someone do that?
It's all just a laugh.
True, suppose it wouldn't matter much if you were dead relaxed and trusted in your relationship.
However, with me, I would go off my nut. Ha. I'm psycho like that.
Went round last night and said I overreacted and it wasnt her fault really, and just wanted her to be 100% honest in if she said anything. She said she didn't, and I beleived her. Later on I picked up her phone and said to her 'well lets see what might have provoked him' and she started getting uncomfortable, and thats when i thought 'oh dear'. So I looked through her sent messages with her there and she had sent very affectionate text messages, saying he's her hero with loads of 'love x x x' and such (she normally puts luv, really petty but i was freaking out at this moment in time), and one was 'my ear is lonely and it has its heart set on you =D' - when 'ears' among her and her friends are like an in joke for some form of sexual thing. Anyway. After me going pale, shaking, and her then saying yea, but she was too scared to tell me, even though she said she was being honest so actually lied to me, then i slept over (because i was in such a state i couldnt go anywhere) and this morning ive said i want to put it behind us. Part of me feels a bit like a mug - she blatantly lied - we've been going out nearly 20 and just over a half months, and then she had nothing else to confess after. Im suspicious shes doing that tactic of pretend your completely innocent until theres some evidence, then admit to that, and never be 100% honest.
I cant have a relationship like that.
But I do want to be with her. We're going nottingham arena later to see that horse show thing for her birthday. One of the issues is I kept saying she was naive (the guy was saying he had a soft spot for her, several sexual references and she thought he was just being nice) and the guy was taking advantage, but she was defending him a lot, saying it wasnt just him. She said in a way it made her feel special, and i was quite nasty and replied with her was just using her as a plaything and probably talks to a lot of girls and doesnt care about any of them.
Sigh. Its so shit, because in that time ive built up so much trust to her and she blatantly lied to me twice in a week. The first was forgivable, but the second she swore to me when i looked into her eyes. Shes not a nasty girl, shes the most amazing girl, and i dont know what to think now. But yea, I do want to make a go of things. Im really annoyed at the guy though, he was very persistant.
eta: so the issues that bother me are the overly affectionate content of the messages which she should reserve for me, and the fact she lied at practically every chance she got.
That is completely unacceptable behaviour in a relationship, no doubt about that. Instead of pussy footing around the issue, you need to make it quite clear how upset you are, and that it mustn't happen again.
I have to be honest, I got the impression reading that she is being a coward, and is trying to provoke you into dumping her. It's an impression I've got from your posts before.
Whether you take the bait or not is irrelevant, but you need to stand up for yourself. She's taking the mick right out of you with this, and you need to make sure she knows it and you won't stand for it no more. Don't try and compromise or say things are fine when they are not.
It's not a huge breach of trust, but its normally the niggly things that wipe out trust in a relationship.
But yea, I did rub it in her face quite a lot, and kept asking her why she did it, and she just said she didnt know why, but we're on the home straight now I feel. Sometimes you've just got to follow your heart even if its stupid. It was nice that she was putting me first today completely though
imo it's nowt to do with him, mate, and if you think it is, you're kidding yourself. he was just doing what boys do.
also the fact that she was flirting like a goodun with him is neither here nor there. as has been pointed out already, a little flirting is harmless, and everyone does it to some degree, even when they're in perfectly settled relationships.
the thing that would worry me is that she did something wrong, she knew it was wrong and she lied to you about doing it. and she didn't come clean off her own back, she kept lying until she was forced to confess.
that's your red flag, right there.
Anyway, I'd be very pissed off and worried if I were in you're situation! As I'm sure most people would. Dont go thinking you're the only one... as you were kinda talking as though it were wrong of you to feel this way.
:banghead: :banghead: :banghead: agghh i fucking HATE that, just about the best way to completly ruin trust in a relationship .. i personally found it impossible to fully trust after that
i would have went fuckin nuts if i was you ... i would have cracked up at her and as much as i hate to say it i would have jumped all over him
how come she didnt have the sense to delete the messages?
how do you know there arent plenty more that shes deleted ? (thats the bit that would get me:()
she will do it again.
If she loved you, she wouldnt have done that in the first place tbh
And it ain't the first time she's pulled a stunt like this either.
If she can't or won't respect your boundaries- which are not paranoid or unfair in any way, don't let her tell you that they are- then there can never be any real trust in a relationship.
She will keep doing it because you let her. You've continued to let her.
I hope things sort out well for you mate, but from what you've posted on here, I think you're better off rid. I'm not daft, I know people only post on here when things are a bit poo, but the number of times she's pulled this stunt makes me think she is not ready for a stable relationship, and therefore cannot be trusted.