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Depression and Self-Harming - Please read

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    After this happened, I felt very upset, and I ended up telling the guy that I like...
    As it turns out...he used to do it too... and he made me see that it's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
    x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    IWishIWas wrote:
    I normally wear a lot of beads and bracelets, because it's my style, and partly because I'm quite ashamed. I don't have lots or very obvious scars, but I do have a few small suspicious lines over my wrist.

    Today I forgot to put my bracelets on, and I noticed that I got a few interesting looks. Should I make more of an effort to cover them up? Is it friendlier and safer that way? I'm thinking more of other people than myself, here.

    If it was me and I felt comfortable not covering them up then I wouldn't. Don't worry what other people think. Do what makes you comfortable.

    I stopped covering my scars up when I stopped for almost 2 years. They were almost faded anyway and everybody that I cared about knowing knew. When I started again I started making more of an effort to hide them. Only one person ever sees them now.

    It's up to yourself and how you feel about it, imo.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah...that makes sense!

    Thanks for the help everyone :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    your-babe wrote:
    Welll, I spoke my Mum about one of things, she said exactly what I thought she would. They can't fucking trust me. Hope she's fucking proud, cos I'm now sitting, shaking, with a razor blade infront of me... 2 weeks and 1 day I've lasted. I'm a fucking faliure. That proves it.

    Parents suck sometimes. Try not to let your mum get to you. You're doing well, hun, and you're not a failure.
    If you want someone to talk to I'll be here all night. Just give me a shout *hugs*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    your-babe wrote:
    Welll, I spoke my Mum about one of things, she said exactly what I thought she would. They can't fucking trust me. Hope she's fucking proud, cos I'm now sitting, shaking, with a razor blade infront of me... 2 weeks and 1 day I've lasted. I'm a fucking faliure. That proves it.

    You're not a failure. You went two weeks. That's not failing. Little victories, that's what it's all about.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    your-babe wrote:
    Welll, I spoke my Mum about one of things, she said exactly what I thought she would. They can't fucking trust me. Hope she's fucking proud, cos I'm now sitting, shaking, with a razor blade infront of me... 2 weeks and 1 day I've lasted. I'm a fucking faliure. That proves it.

    You are NOT a failure. You come across as being a lovely young lady, who is intelligent, thoughtful, and quick to use general manners.

    If that is a failure, then the 98% of the country who display none of the above traits are absolutely beyond hope.

    The real failure, in my opinion, are the people who care about you, yet lack either the intelligence or compassion to put themselves in your shoes. You are not a failure for cutting, or wanting to cut, or indeed because anyone says so. You are only a failure if you want to be - and even then, you hold the key to changing things, should you so desire.

    They feel they can't trust you? Fuck 'em. The real question is, can you trust yourself to stick with whatever goals you have set yourself?

    Don't punish yourself for the inadequacies of others. If all other people can do is shout at you, then it is simply a display that they cannot comprehend what is going on in your head. They may make you feel like a failure, but in reality, it is the other way around.

    Even if you've cut, you're not a failure. You have simply met something that you aren't yet able to deal with, without punishing yourself. It does *not* mean you are a failure, it just means that you're yet to find the answer you really need.

    Chin up, you know where I am :).

    Look on the bright side - I've got to figure a way to fit two 12" subs, a rather large amplifier and a pair of 6x9's into my friends Lotus Elan. Have you ever seen how much room there is in one? :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Raz wrote:
    You're not a failure. You went two weeks. That's not failing. Little victories, that's what it's all about.

    I have to agree with this, little victories are they way forward. I've only cut twice since Halloween. The Last time I cut I was aimming to go three months but managed 2 and a half. I was annoyed with myself for failuring but picked myself and carryied on, and this time I dont feel the need everyday any more. Make it a day at a time, the a week, then a month. Its the only way I can get through it sometimes.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Exactly. Any achievement is and achievement and you should feel very proud of yourself for what you have managed so far.
    We all make little slips, but it doesn't make us failures. We can still get back up again and make yet another achievement =)
    xox
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i'm like devastation central tonight. ive had a horrible week in which ive just sank and sank and today was the first day i got out of bed before 5pm. thought i could get out of it. i cant. i xant do all this anymore. its harder than what its worth.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    your-babe wrote:
    Just googled an assessment. Now even more fucking worried. Give up.

    Why are you thinking of giving up?

    Getting better isn't easy, it's fucking hard work. I found that for me the reason was that its very hard to constantly have your thought processes challenged, to always have the way you cope laid open as the destructive and pointless behaviour it really is.

    A lot of people give up treatment at the first hurdle because they can't cope with the fact that their coping mechanisms and their thought processes are damaging and harmful, so they hide away from the challenge of confronting the damaging behaviour.

    Later on, the thought of actually being happy and successful terrifies them. It terrified me. It's completely new, a total step into the unknown. Depression is shit, but at least you know it.

    Of course cutters can't be trusted not to cut. It'd be like putting an alcoholic in a pub and trusting him to drink orange juice all evening. Cutting is an addiction, it feels good, it makes you feel better, but the high is only temporary. Sadly people who don't understand think that removing the blades and saying "don't do it" is enough- all that does is increase the pressure not to, and make the fall-out when it does happen feel worse. You have everyone's expectations on your shoulders, so when you inevitably fail it feels like more of a disaster.

    That is why focusing on not doing it makes it harder. You are constantly thinking about cutting, so its always on your mind, and the urge gets bigger simply because you're addicted to that rush of endorphins, and the pleasure that watching your blood stream down your arms and chest brings.

    When I stopped cutting, I didn't even think about it for a month. Then I though "ooh, I've gone a month", and within hours I was cutting again. That's what happens. It's not a failure. It's the nature of addiction.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well go me...
    Was out last night with the guy I really like, the only person I have -ever- told about my self harming. I turned around to talk to him at one point... and he was making out with his ex girlfriend.

    I felt humiliated... I have problems with self-loathing, it's the reason I harm. I went home straight after I saw this, and I cut for the first time in 3 months, which made me hate myself more. I thought I was over this... I thought I was better than this... Apparently, I'm not.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You shouldn't feel humiliated, you're imagining things when you shouldn't.

    I know where you're coming from, but you're wrong to feel like that.

    Though in the face of that emotion, cutting is not a failure. We all fall sometimes. Look at my recent posts in here.

    It's not a surprise he was with his ex though. That happens, its comfortable to snog someone you've been with a while. I wouldn't read too much into it, but equally I wouldn't be obsessed by him either.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know... I'm not obsessed, at least, I don't think I am!

    But he's shown me more affection recently than I have had in so long... My ex didn't even treat me that nicely at times. I know it was probably a rebound thing, but I couldn't help get caught up in it. And I feel stupid for doing so. I keep telling myself one thing, when reality is another. And then...I go hating myself for it. And then I hate myself for hating myself for that. It's just a vicious circle that takes some close to a miracle to break me out of.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A lot of men and boys get a bit drunk, and go back to the ex because its comfortable. I wouldn't read too much into him getting off with his ex on a night out when he's a bit drunk.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I guess...
    Still doesn't help the fact that it kinda stung. Especially since his ex is such a pretty and amazing girl and we get on really well!

    I guess I'll just have to deal with it, and get back on track with coping with the cutting.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's awesome!
    See? Another little victory to add to your already existing victories!
    x
  • Dr PirateDr Pirate Posts: 8,303 Legendary Poster
    every week I say the same thing to myself: "This thursday you arent going to get completly wrecked at the pub and embarass yourself"

    shit happens... again and again it seems.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Dr Pirate wrote:
    every week I say the same thing to myself: "This thursday you arent going to get completly wrecked at the pub and embarass yourself"

    shit happens... again and again it seems.
    Everyone says that..not just the depressed :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    your-babe wrote:
    True, just worried that the next time, if the urges are any worse, I may give in. But I'll approach that when it comes. Just getting through today, and tommorow first.

    Thankyou though. Starting to feel more determined to get through it.
    Dont try to think of it as something you have to overcome. Just think of it as something that used to have power over you but is now in the past. Rather than think 'if i can just get through today' try to think 'well i got through yesterday fine'.
    I dont really have any experience with cutting (self harm yes, cutting no) but thats my advice, stay positive and positive things will happen! :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You'll beat this, your attitude toward it is like a breath of fresh air. :)

    Next time you feel down, go fart on someones dog. I've found this to be highly amusing - it works wonders for me! Also cheers me up when the same dog sits there, licking my belly-button for minutes on end. Her owners find it disgusting! :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Forget them, focus on yourself. You've made very good progress these last few days - weeks, in fact. Whatever you're doing, you're doing it well - whether they think it or not :).

    Your parents almost certainly DO give a shit about you - it doesn't mean they understand what is going on inside your head, nor does it mean they have the slightest idea of how they can help you.

    Expect nothing from anyone - all that matters is your opinion of yourself. And mine, because my opinion of you is good :).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It isn't running away - it is taking the sensible option at this point. Taking time out from a situation that makes you feel down, hoping it'll let you add another successful day to your tally.

    Go for it :).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So, I reckon I feel down a lot because I'm insecure to the point of hating myself. I'm actually insecure enough that I seek acceptance or verification or something in everything I do. Even on message boards like this.

    Can you just walk into a Doctor's office and ask for counselling? I don't want to be put on any medication really......
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Indeed, make an appointment with your doctor. Some are more understanding than others - they may want you to try medication, and see if it helps at all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fuck fuck FUCK. I could have got to 20 weeks, but no. FUCK.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :(

    You did it once, you can do it again. Very few people quit anything on the first few attempts. Don't beat yourself up too much, you can do it :).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think I am depressed for about 3 years now. I never went to a doctor (up to today), because it's an on and off thing and I thought I had just a few to many fucked up times.

    I started to study 2 weeks ago, do almost nothing and it still grows over my head. I have no sucess with women whatsoever, for almost 5 years now, even tho I get a lot, that I look good (even from girls). There is this perfect girl, but she fancies another man. It's always the same, maybe I am just super-super unlucky. Back to the study tho. I cannot imagine going back to 'school' again, after being a paramedic in an ambulance. My study takes 5-6 years and I cannot imagine doing that. I actually don't want to do anything. I always thought I am just lazy, but in fact this might stem from some kind of motivation loss, cuz of the depression.

    My mother witnessed a breakdown of me last week and was really bothered. She arranged an appointment with a doctor to who I just returned from.
    He put me on anti-depressants, but I am not sure if I really want that. Maybe it's just all the bad stories you hear from anti-depressants addiction and stuff. I cannot imagine this happens to me. I feel so 'sick'. I have been and still be a paramedic and I knew a lot about physically illnesses, but psychically illnesses really scare me.

    I can stop a bleeding, I know you can get stitches for a gaping wound, but I am don't believe in a remedy for physical illnesses.

    This is neither a pity, nor a "cheer me up" post.

    Anyone can give input??
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Congratulations on finding the strength to talk about your problems, and for taking steps to address them :).

    Anti-depressants are strange - there are lots that don't work properly for each person, where the side-effects(headaches, dizziness, insomnia, feeling tired, increased sex-drive, upset stomach, etc) can outweigh the good the patient feels from the tablets.

    No single tablet works for everyone, if you're prepared to go in for the long haul and try different types of medication, then the chances are you will find some anti-depressants that make you feel better, and don't upset the rest of your life too much.

    Anti-depressants are not the cure, they are merely a stepping-stone. Often people find they are better able to cope with the stress of everyday life when on medication, whereas everything seemed much harder to deal with beforehand.

    Best of luck, whether you decide to give them a go or not :). I find they work for me, but it took a long time for me to feel any good effects from them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Congratulations on finding the strength to talk about your problems, and for taking steps to address them :).

    Anti-depressants are strange - there are lots that don't work properly for each person, where the side-effects(headaches, dizziness, insomnia, feeling tired, increased sex-drive, upset stomach, etc) can outweigh the good the patient feels from the tablets.

    No single tablet works for everyone, if you're prepared to go in for the long haul and try different types of medication, then the chances are you will find some anti-depressants that make you feel better, and don't upset the rest of your life too much.

    Anti-depressants are not the cure, they are merely a stepping-stone. Often people find they are better able to cope with the stress of everyday life when on medication, whereas everything seemed much harder to deal with beforehand.

    Best of luck, whether you decide to give them a go or not :). I find they work for me, but it took a long time for me to feel any good effects from them.


    I don't know if this is a good thing. Maybe I am just too primitive, or I do not know much about medical progress in the last time. I never wanted to use "happy-maker" pills, and felt pity for those who take it, and are weak not to cope with their own problems. Now I am one of them :S This is all getting out of control, I don't have control over my life anymore :[ My father is bugging me, study is bugging me, not getting a girl is bugging me. :(((((

    god... disregard this post please.

    It can only ascend from this point.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My ex never liked taking his pills... They messed a bit with his head, to be honest, but he learned to deal with it. And it was better than him being upset. In the end, he learned what was best for him, and how to compromise.

    It's up to you to decide how you want to cope. It's not easy though, as I'm sure you are aware. Studying's hectic for me too...I really like this guy but he's obviously hung up about another girl... I can't afford to stay on at uni and I've been looking for a job since October and still got nowhere. So I have to take out another loan. Everything's going pear shaped and it can be so incredibly hard sometimes. But...talking about it with someone has helped more than I could have imagined. Not a professional, but someone who understands and doesn't judge.
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