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Depression and Self-Harming - Please read

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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Even giggly and drunk, I can't take it anymore... Argh.
    Sorry. I'l stop whining.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can't take it... After months and months, I grabbed one of the things from the hidden place, now just contemplating. I want to. I need to. I have nobody to turn to. I have like 1/2 a friend and my boyfriend, who doesn't understand. I don't want to call the parents anymore. I've cried to them enough last week... Its tough being friendless... I must...
    Ed came home. WHy wont he go to sleep so I can...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I cut the fuck out of myself and I've never felt better... yet I've never felt worse...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    your-babe wrote:
    I know how you feel. Felt so good, but now I can't believe I did it again. Just didn't see any point in my existence. Waiting for yet another ear- bashing from the ex now, bout how I shouldn't cut, usual shit etc.
    It seems to me like you've had a setback becuase your are having so many problems at the moment, I know that used to make me slip up before. You know where I'am if you want someone to talk to.

    I dont understand it, I've got a great job, a lovely boyf who loves me and cares about me, I'm going away at the weekend for a break, and I dont want to even get up in the mornings. :banghead:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm gonna say this again. but heads up your-babe and my_name, cos this applies especially to you.

    This thread is about how you feel, this thread is here for the express purpose of people like you two talking about how you feel. Never NEVER apologise for that, keep using it the way it should be, and just because no-one says anything, doesn't mean no-one cares.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I read this thread, I don't say anything because the most helpful stuff's probably already been said. But I read and sympathise and wish people happy.

    x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So... my boyfriend and I split up at the beginning of the year and I've been doing so well... but last night, I just slipped.

    I just can't take the loneliness anymore. But it wasn't just a case of cutting myself...

    Normally, as many people will agree, I cut with no wish of doing anything other than hurting... But last night the suicidal thoughts came back; they'd been gone for months and months. But they came back.

    I have friends who say they're there for me, but when I tell them how I feel they get scared, and aren't really supportive. I have to lie, because I don't want to be a burden.

    A friend stopped talking to me because he said he couldn't deal with me anymore for being so negative. Even my ex told me that negativity was like a disease... and I was there for every bad moment he had (he's manic depressive).

    I just don't want to be alone anymore.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks... but I really don't like being in people's ways!
    x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well... I just added you to MySpace.
    Hope you don't mind!
    x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What did I just say!? Seriously?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I heard a voice while i was lying in bed thinking the other night. It was like a cartoon type voice saying it was going to kill me. I heard it in my left ear and it completely distracted me from what i was thinking about.
    Very strange.
    I told my therapist today but she didnt seem concerned.

    anyone had that happen?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't apologise to me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yes, I am right, but don't apologise to me. Maybe apologise to yourself, but it's not me your damaging.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sikorah wrote:
    I heard a voice while i was lying in bed thinking the other night. It was like a cartoon type voice saying it was going to kill me. I heard it in my left ear and it completely distracted me from what i was thinking about.
    Very strange.
    I told my therapist today but she didnt seem concerned.

    anyone had that happen?

    You might have suffered from sleep paralysis. I get it quite a lot and one of the symptoms is hearing voices. I wouldn't worry too much.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis

    "Auditory hallucinations (often footsteps or indistinct voices, or pulsing noises). Auditory hallucinations which are described as noise instead of hallucinations of legible sounds, are often described to be similar to auditory hallucinations caused by Nitrous Oxide by persons who have experienced both."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I read that and one of the things there is feeling like you'e sliding off the bed, i get that sometimes just as im falling asleep.

    I definately wasnt asleep the other night though because i was conciously thinking about a conversation with someone.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think most people suffer from it at some stage but are unaware they are. I get it quite a lot...I'm well used to it now like.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sikorah wrote:
    I read that and one of the things there is feeling like you'e sliding off the bed, i get that sometimes just as im falling asleep.

    I definately wasnt asleep the other night though because i was conciously thinking about a conversation with someone.
    I've had some horrible hallucinations where I can feel a man sit on my legs and move about on top of me (non-sexual) as I am falling asleep. It is really very scary as at the time it feels so real although afterwards I realise it couldn't possibly be. I'm not really sure what causes it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Randomgirl wrote:
    I've had some horrible hallucinations where I can feel a man sit on my legs and move about on top of me (non-sexual) as I am falling asleep. It is really very scary as at the time it feels so real although afterwards I realise it couldn't possibly be. I'm not really sure what causes it.

    It's stress related.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    turlough wrote:
    It's stress related.
    It can be related to many things to be honest. You can get hallucinations with severe depression and lots of mental health problems.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Randomgirl wrote:
    You can get hallucinations with severe depression and lots of mental health problems.

    Yeh that's stuff like Schizophrenia...not sleep paralysis.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That link turlough posted is good Randomgirl, its also mentions that what u just said, feeling like somthing is weighing you down so that you cant move.

    Hallucinations though can even be a side -effect of medications too. I aint on any new ones and my depression isnt severe like it has been in the past.

    It hasnt affected me to any extent so no big deal i dont suppose.

    Im seeing doc next week anyway, maybe ill mention it. maybe i wont!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i self harm all the time my husband thinks i am mad and was rushed in too hospital find it very hard to trust others
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    nelly38 wrote:
    i self harm all the time my husband thinks i am mad and was rushed in too hospital find it very hard to trust others
    Hey there Nelly,

    Welcome to thesite :)

    Are you getting help with your self-harming? Have you been to your GP or a counsillor?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I need to go to the doctor's about my mood swings. But it terrifies me.

    I wish I had some confidence or self belief or whatever.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wasn't sure whether to post this or not. At the moment, I feel absolutely amazing! I've learnt where people in my life belong, I've found a few things that really spark my fire and make me feel alive! And, more importantly, want to feel alive. I still wish I wasn't here much of the time, but anything is a start, and I'm quite proud of myself for finding it :).

    Without going into too many details, it took a kick up the arse from my father. But absolutely not in the way he'd hoped to help - we had heated words via email around new year. We're cool and all, but it has helped me see things in a very different light - I think I'd always been scared of being a failure in his eyes, and I guess that in reality, I am.

    But, it's cool. Because in my eyes, he's the failure. I've not made the same mistakes as him, and I don't think I ever will. I love him to bits, but he's changed a lot in the last few years and I think I'm losing respect for him.

    This last couple of weeks have been pretty good, on the whole. I'm still getting between 3 and 4 hours sleep at the moment, I still feel whacked in the mornings, but I feel better about myself. :)

    Wucking finning? Absolutely!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Awesome! I hope things like this encourage other people - its really hard to get better but it's still possible. Congrats. x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm always cautious, because I know that the last thing we want to hear when we're feeling like we're in the depths of despair is how good someone else feels. Seeing as I've no intention of giving up my general anonymity on here, I'll give a few details about my life:-

    Parents divorced when I was 5. I always wanted to live with my Dad, but my mum refused to let me. I felt that I was being punished in order to hurt my Dad - well done mum. That worked a treat - I've not spoken to you for half a decade now, and likely never will.

    Mum sold the house, and we moved to a... how do I say it? 'Less affluent' area. I met some great people there, and it was the one place in my childhood that I felt somewhat happy with life. I had some great friends, and there were no expectations of each other - which I think is great! But I also got bullied by the lads down the road, and in general it made much of my life a misery. I didn't want to go outside because I'd get beaten up.

    Between moving there, and leaving there, we also moved out to Spain. It was going to be a long-term thing, but it didn't end up like that. My mother blew the money she had from the divorce on a failed business venture. In total we were only out there for a couple of months, which wasn't so bad. But what was bad was that I had to move away from my father, and I didn't know when I'd see him again. I look back and feel awful for him, I'd hate to go through anything like that, and I am deeply sorry that he had to.

    Heck, I'm not going to go into this actually. I'd be here all day and all night. I could talk about having shoes and wooden spoons broken whilst being whacked by my mother, or how having food was stealing, or how I got whacked for throwing up the medicine she forced down my throat - and then being told I must have done it on purpose.

    My point is... everyone has had problems in their life, some worse than others, and some deal with them better than others. I'm no saint, nor am I no longer depressed - but at the moment I'm on top of things, I can deal with life again(lets see if that still stands in a month!) - basically, I've found a key that makes things better. I couldn't tell you what it is, or how it works, but it does. I think the key is there for everyone, we just have to find it. Nobody can really help you find it, it is something you have to do yourself - you may find it and not realise it.

    I think that my key was that I was scared of being a failure in my Dads eyes - and now, I really don't care if I am or not. When I was younger I wanted to be just like him - but as he's grown older, he's changed - and I'm now grateful that I'm me and not him. I like myself, I like who I am and what I represent - and I don't want to be like him. I'm happy to be me, whoever that is :).

    I dare say I don't make much sense - to be truthful, I don't make much sense to myself either. But I'm on the right road, I think. If anyone wants to ask anything, or talk to me about anything, then please feel free. Feel free to ask, feel free to moan, feel free to shout or cry. I don't care what you do, so long as it might help you then that is good enough for me :).

    I'm off to ride my motorcycle. I think... weather looks good, I've got some chickenstrips to wear off! If I don't return, then I went too far and came off in a corner whilst having the biggest grin of my life ;):).

    *Group hug on offer* :).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I had a freak out today.

    I am considering counselling or something.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    your-babe wrote:
    things regarding my parents, and getting to be someone that I WANT to be, not what others expect/want from me.

    Aye, most people go through life feeling disappointed with many people. Better to be happy with yourself and disappointed with everyone else, than to feel unhappy with who you feel you ought to be, and then be disappointed with everyone else. Might as well look out for yourself, and care for the people who mean something to you.

    If in doubt, just ask yourself if the person you are trying to make happy would do the same for you as they are expecting you to do for them. If the answer is no, then something is wrong...

    Chin up, my-babe :).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hate this life. I want a new one.
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