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Should I give him an answer to appease him or what?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey, weeeee eensy rant here, sorry in advance for the length!
I've been seeing Co for nearly 3 years, and it was always going to be difficult because he was that bit older. I met him when I was 17, he was 23. Anyway, he's turning 26 this month and earlier today he asked me if I knew he was "the one". This threw me off, to be honest I hate talking about an in depth furture with him because with every girlfriend he's ever been with he thought he was going to be with them forever. So I tell him, "well you know I can't tell for sure if we'll be together in 10 years time, but we've been doing well so far havent we?"
This isn't good enough for him, and he got really pissed off when I told him my answer would be a stern "no" if he asked me to marry him in the forseeable future.
I worked too hard and repeated a year at school to do this course I've wanted, I am not going to waste it on organising a wedding etc with someone who takes half days off work ("but they're paid holidays!") to go and get things added to his car. Which he bought off e-bay. And is 15 years old.

He will be moving out next year because his dads the minister and hes retiring soon. He has NO money saved up for a flat--how could I trust someone like that with the responsibilities of raising kids and putting money away for college etc? He doesn't pay bills, so all his money he spends on nights out, his car etc.

He told me that because I don't believe there is one person for everybody I clearly don't understand him at all, and where does he see us going? The last part is true, I've never been a romantic person by nature and I don't belive that if our soulmate somewhere "dies" or whatever that we're destined to be miserable and alone bar our 10 cats.

Am I stringing him along? I do love him, but I've told him I dont plan on getting married til after uni, and not have kids until I'm about 30. I already knew this before I met him, and surely 35 isn't too old to be a dad anyway? He quit uni after 2 months and has been working in low paid jobs ever since. He does a part time computer course yet when his parents and me ask him what he wants to do with it, he yells and says we're getting on his back.
Hello? If you're doing a part time course, we'd like to think it would be to get a better job to support the family you're so eager to start.
God I'm mad. Anyone, any input, am I being a bitch? All this financially stable desires stem from the fact I come from one of the shittest areas in Belfast and I've always wanted to have a nice life and a husband who would be able to support me if I went on extended maturnity leave etc. Only 20 and Im thinking about babies :rolleyes:
Yet he tells me I don't think of the future...I don't know what to do, I'm not with him for a laugh, I do see him being the father of my kids...just not now :(


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tell him what you've just told us. You don't want that stuff NOW. But you want it later. I think he just wants reassurance that you do see some kind of long term future between the both of you.

    This is kind of a different issue, but from what you've written it seems like you don't see him as being good enough for you..if this is the case, then maybe you need to talk to him? or like, decide whether or not you'd consider being with him e.g. getting married, to a guy with that attitude to work etc.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He is in no way not good enough for me, he had a better upbringing and his parents spoil him so he's never had to pay his way through life. Now he's getting worried about having to move out and I can't believe his attitude - what did he expect??? I have tried telling him to do something he enjoys, he takes these flights of fancy when something sounds good...hard to explain, he went for the job he's in because his mate worked there. :confused: I just don't want to be the sole provider for our kids when we EVENTUALLY settle down. Maybe Ill copy and paste this to him.. Its easier to write then to talk sometimes.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yep, write stuff down if you think it'll get the message across better than speaking to him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sound like you kn ow what you want and have direction and that he doesn't have any personal aims so he's latched onto the idea of falling in happy-ever-after and having 2.4 kids without having the drive to fullfill the practicalities of it. Stay with him at the moment if you're having fun, but it sounds to me like you KNOW exactly what you're doing and where you're going and it's not... well- dreamy idealistic plans.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You need to adopt his mindset - enjoy your student years, do the things you won't be able to do when you have a job and a few kids hanging off your ankles.

    He needs to adopt your mindset. Leaching of his parents, no dirrection in life, being overly hedonistic and worshiping his old banger of a car like a 17 year old would. He should shoulder the responsibilties that come with his age - Providing for himself, his partner (you) by making a nest egg for when you finish uni and he should take the strain off his parents else they won't enjoy their retirement.

    You do deserve a nice life and good things. Make sure you see eye to eye with your man and that you are both set on the same goals else there will be fallouts further down the line.

    Edit: Give him an ultimatum - Get with the programme or get out. Love is a wonderful and magickal thing, but love can't feed hungry children or put a roof over your head. Tackle this with your mind rather than your heart.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ^ :heart: took the words outa my brain and typed it for the world to see.
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