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Where do I come in her life?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm quite tired so I'll keep it short, and it's probably not worth rambling on...

Well lately I've been frustrated about the fact that my girlfriend seems to treat me a bit different, but very similar (weird I know, I'll explain) to her friends. She loves her friends, and tells them all the time (after every telephone conversation, when they meet, when they part etc). We've even been on a night out and she's told her male friends she loves them, now I know she doesn't LOVE them. Anyway, with her friends she's all bubbly, really nice and sweet, similar to what she was like when I first met her.

However, we fell in love, and have gotten used to each others company, yet when she tells me she loves me, it's just like she's speaking to her friends (and yet with less enthusiasm). I've let her know this but she's says it's different with her friends, fair enough, but it just sounds the same.

Anyway, we both have Myspace pages, I think I'm being pathetic here but what do you guys think...whenever she logs on to myspace she seems to visit all her friends and tell them she loves them in the comments, and how much she misses them etc etc....yet I feel a bit left out...I have nothing. It kinda hurts to see that she's taken time to let her friends know she thinks about them.

The thing that tipped me over the edge to post this was that she was supposed to spend Friday night at mine, but she told me the other day she was spending the night with her friend because her friend was on her own. I found that a bit weird, her friends is old enough, AND has a boyfriend. I asked her what she was doing and she just said sleeping over. Later on she finally tells me she's going out around the local town.

Now it appears she's going out around the city, and there's a few of them staying over at her friends, so her being lonely is bollocks. Also, they are going to a bar to meet up with one of her friends boyfriends, which I think is sweet. Howcome I'm not even invited?

Where do I come in my girlfriends life?
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would say, by going on what you've written, you come fairly low down in her life.

    Sorry to say this, but she seems to be taking you for granted a bit here. I can say exactly because I don't know either of you, but if my girlfriend was acting like this I would take it as a big hint she wasn't interested anymore and either end things or tell her things have to change.

    The trouble is that she is unlikely to admit you just aren't as important to her as her friends.

    Her cancelling on you just to go out with her mates though is really bad. At the very least I would have a go at her for that.

    Sorry mate, hope things turn out to be not so bad.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've had relationships where I felt like a trophy, I'd always be second to her friends, an accesory to be wheeled around when she wanted a handsom guy on her arm, but then put away like a toy when me being myself might be a liability. Example:

    Being told off when my 'presence' is stopping other guys flirting with her (I mean WTF!!) and then dragged along to some dorky gig because she wants me to stand next to her and make her Ex jealous.

    Some people do put friends above their romantic interests, it bugs me. There is no reason to treat you as she does, even if shes not that keen on you she should at least respect you. Loose her, seriously.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She just doesnt give that much of a shit about you.
    Fact.
    Sorry to have to break that to you, but it seems obvious.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She just doesnt give that much of a shit about you.
    Fact.
    Sorry to have to break that to you, but it seems obvious.

    Have to agree with rainbow brite. You deserve better.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It seems like you don't come in her life, mate.

    How long you been with her?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Been with her 8 months.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ohhhh I'm going to be contravertial and disagree here - maybe she feels a bit claustraphobic with you always asking her if you love her all the time, or perhaps she thought you would be upset if she said she wanted a night out on the town for once, so she tried to phrase it in a way that would hurt you less.

    Maybe she feels secure in the knowlege that you both love each other, but feels she has to let her friends know that they are important to her as well, it might just be part of a banter. Like in irc i might well tell someone they are sexy but that doesn't mean i love my husband any less or want to run away with that person - its just a bit of an irc way of being nice as it were and possibly boosting someones ego at the same time. Similarly he sometimes flirts with the girls in his office in a jokey office type way but i don't get upset about it because i know he's chosen me. I do tell him i love him at least once a day though.

    How often do you see each other?? If you spend every friday night togeather then maybe she shold be allowed a week off to go and see her friends....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's weird you know. She always asks me to ring her before she goes to sleep and we talk quite a lot, perhaps thats why she feels she doesn't have to comment myspace? But she see's her friends everyday.

    Just been on one of her lesbian friends myspace, and she has a picture of MY girlfriend in her "HERO" section. My girl has written comment "love you!!" aswell. Also on my girls myspace page her friend has written "MARRY ME ;)". What the fuck?! It pisses me off more than anything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Time to either get her to pay more attention or move on to be honest.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Does she know you get annoyed about it - maybe she doesnt' realise that its hurting you and she just thinks she's being nice and friendly....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry wyetry, wrote my previous reply whilst you were writing yours. You sounds right you know. We text everyday, we tell each other we love each other everyday, speak to each other every day we haven't seen each other etc. I see her about 2 to 3 times a week.

    I'm such a wuss, do you think?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wyetry wrote:
    Ohhhh I'm going to be contravertial and disagree here - maybe she feels a bit claustraphobic with you always asking her if you love her all the time, or perhaps she thought you would be upset if she said she wanted a night out on the town for once, so she tried to phrase it in a way that would hurt you less.

    Maybe she feels secure in the knowlege that you both love each other, but feels she has to let her friends know that they are important to her as well, it might just be part of a banter. Like in irc i might well tell someone they are sexy but that doesn't mean i love my husband any less or want to run away with that person - its just a bit of an irc way of being nice as it were and possibly boosting someones ego at the same time. Similarly he sometimes flirts with the girls in his office in a jokey office type way but i don't get upset about it because i know he's chosen me. I do tell him i love him at least once a day though.

    How often do you see each other?? If you spend every friday night togeather then maybe she shold be allowed a week off to go and see her friends....


    If this is true then it's fine if both partners are ok with it. Personally I would not be happy if my girlfriend acted in this way and would end up leaving, it sounds like aerosexual feels similarly. So if this is the case, and she does care for you but acts like this because it's the way she is, then you need to talk to her and come to some sort of compromise or decide you're just not right for each other.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    aerosexual wrote:
    I'm such a wuss, do you think?

    I don't think so.

    Some people would be fine with the way she's behaving and would be the same themselves. Others would not.

    Just because the way you think, and the way you expect a couple to behave is different to your girlfriend's doesn't mean it's wrong. If it means you end up going your separate ways then that may not be the worst thing. There are plenty of people out there who would share your views.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've gone through a lil' bit of this, but I stopped it right quick with a talk. Let her know how you feel, and tell her that you feel second-best. She may not even realize she's doing it, or maybe she just doesn't care. Have a serious talk, it helps!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not going to go my seperate way. When it's just me and her, there are times when we're unseperable. I remember boxing day at my moms, there was a party and we just spent the whole night by ourselves, quite unsociable I know but it was nice. There are other times too and they make up for the times where I'm second best. When we're out, times when we're with her friends, she approaches me for a drink and then goes back to talk to her friends. Maybe she just thinks I'm too busy to chat because I'm sat with one of her friends when really I'd like a bit of attention and to be joined in with the conversation.

    This girl is special. Maybe I'm just being selfish and asking for too much. She has a much bigger circle of friends than me so it must be harder for her to keep everyone happy.

    The lesbian worries me though, she's really nice, but I think she really likes my girlfriend and my girlfriend is being a bit naive by acting friendly in return. Put me in this position, I have a gay friend, we tell each other we love each other (in a friendship type of way), we hang out together, see each other at school, go to gigs together...surely she'd ask what the hell is going on.

    My question to girls...do you always tell your friends you love them, like after speaking on the phone.."I love you"? It's something a bit new to me. I have a sister, she never used to do it!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    aerosexual wrote:
    The lesbian worries me though, she's really nice, but I think she really likes my girlfriend and my girlfriend is being a bit naive by acting friendly in return. Put me in this position, I have a gay friend, we tell each other we love each other (in a friendship type of way), we hang out together, see each other at school, go to gigs together...surely she'd ask what the hell is going on.

    Is your mrs that way? If not, dont worry.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah, I'd be more concerned about the porky pies she's been telling you about what she's up to of a Friday night, tbh.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You really think that?

    Btw, whats a fig? That lesbian wrote on my girls page saying "I'm going to play with my equipment...my guitar I mean, not my fig so don't get excited! xxxx"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well id assume that she meant her naughty bits although i couldnt be sure.
    if your girls not gay, then whats the prob. Youre starting to sound paranoid.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well I guess I am paranoid. Why shouldn't I be? I've had gay friends in the past, a few have tried it on with me, tried telling me I'm gay because they had fallen for me (they admitted this). Based on that experience, how do I know this lesbian hasn't fallen for my girl and is trying to play best friend. Next thing you know she'll saying "ooh, it's only a kiss, your boyfriend doesn't have to know".

    Tell me if I am being paranoid but there's been numerous times where we've been on a night out and she's gone to meet "XXX" in the gay village for a bit...like a few hours and left me with our friends.

    I'm being a dick right?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It takes two to tango. You >should< trust her more, but then she isn't making you feel very secure so your not a dick.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well your feelings are your feelings. You cant help feeling uneasy, but that doesnt mean your girlfriend is guilty of anything. you say "next she`ll be saying so&so" but thats all in your head - youre making up movies - torturing yourself as to the possibilities of her having a lesbian friend. If shes not gay, then shes not going to go off with a lesbian, and even if she was bisexual, it doesnt mean shes going to go off with this girl, because shes done nothing to suggest she wants to cheat on you. The way you made it sound in your original post was that she doesnt give a shit, but the more i read, the more it sounds like she gives a shit about EVERYONE, is super friendly, lovey dovey with her friends, which pisses you off.
    You cant realistically ask her to change and only play with you. It sounds like its an intrinsic part of her personality. You dont want to dump her, you just want her to change who she is to suit you.
    I wouldnt be that keen on my boyfriend nipping off to meet his gay friend in a gay club without me while we were supposed to be going out together, but it still doesnt mean shes going to cheat. It sounds like she isnt giving much thought to how it might look to you though. Cant you go with her?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    why don't you do more stuff with her and her friends? that way you can get to know them and maybe be your friends too?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well that's the thing. I asked to go and she refused to let me, in the politised way but her excuse was that it was her friends brothers mates birthday. No joke. What the tell has he got to do with my girlfriend? Why does she feel she needs to nip off for a few hours? Also think that the picture of my girlfriend on this lesbians website is a picture of them two together but with her cut off, I can make out part of someone with there arm around my girl. It that's not the case then its a perculier size and shape photo!

    Why am I thinking this shit? Why am I so bothered?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    have you ASKED her?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you need to calm down and talk to her more before you go making things up in your head
    how old are you both anyway?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Asked her what? I do but she just kicks off and says she doesn't have to ask me anything and that I'm being silly. I can't tell her how it upsets me without starting an argument. She's quite touchy about it, we've had loads of arguments in the passed because she thinks I'm getting at her and assuming she's done something wrong. She hasn't, it's me, but she needs to know how it's affecting me.

    I think I should try and work on my own attributes and get used to her 'niceness' with her friends.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ballerina wrote:
    you need to calm down and talk to her more before you go making things up in your head
    how old are you both anyway?
    I'm 20 she's neearly 18, but very mature. We've known each other for 18 months, been together for nearly 9. Before we got together it was a great friendship, perhaps because I wasn't bothered about what she did so much.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    talking from a third party perspective and being that i dont have the `vision-clouding` obstacle of loving her, id say split up because it sounds to me that youve got a bit of a dead end. I think you both have different expectations, and in a way, both of you are being reasonable, and unreasonable at the same time (im not sure how to explain it) You dont really have the right to tell her to stop what shes doing, although im not surprised you have, but she obviously is not interested in compromise. Shes only 18, whether you think shes mature or not, all she really wants to do is be party girl and be adored by everyone, and in the process shes really taking you for granted. I really dont think shes cheating by what youve said, but i think she sounds OVERLY flirty with everyone, and thats a sign of immaturity tbh. Id probably get pissed off with it too, but then again, I wouldnt go out with an 18 year old, cos I think they all seem like that to a greater or lesser extent these days.
    The problem with loving someone, is it can make you very insecure because you realise how completely vulnerable you are. She doesnt seem to be that bothered about soothing your insecurities at all though. Thats why i think shes probably not as into you as you are her.:(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So according to you your g/f exhibits the following behaviour:

    1. Lies to you about where she goes and who she goes with.
    2. Flies off the handle when you ask for an explanation of why she does that.
    3. Excludes you from her circle of friends.
    4. 1 - 3 above make you feel 'wussy', 'insecure' and unhappy.

    It's time to initiate the launch sequence...
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