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Jokes!

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    relentless wrote:
    A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

    His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a
    sheep, you idiot."

    The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

    Excellent... :hyper: :D :hyper:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    relentless wrote:
    A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

    His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a
    sheep, you idiot."

    The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."


    :lol::lol::lol:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Doctor says to patient: "I have some bad news about
    the bird flu you have caught."

    Patient: "Oh, no. What is it doc?"

    Doc says: "It's unTweetable."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

    The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

    The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

    The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

    She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A bit long winded, but OK


    Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one
    day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.

    The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

    It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and
    asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

    "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike
    is outside and it's going to rain,rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
    protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

    That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
    parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

    But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I
    have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
    "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says
    anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

    "No problem," he says. And in they go.

    Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
    stack of dirty dishes.

    In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,
    in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to
    dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe
    decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses
    Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
    Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes
    off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of
    her parents.

    His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
    her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

    He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs
    the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her
    every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is
    furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

    Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
    pocket.

    Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
    that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

    :sour:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lol :lol::lol: :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A truck driver picks up a woman hitch hiker on the side o the road.

    He pulls over on the side of the road a few blocks down and the woman asks him what he is doing? He asks her if she wants to have sex? She says "I can't I'm on my period."

    He says "That doesn't matter."

    So they get in the back of the cab and he is eating her out.

    A police officer drives by and sees the truck rocking.

    So he gets out and knocks on the door of the truck.

    The truck driver opens the door and asks if he can help the officer.

    The officer asks him what he is doing? He says liking his fingers "Eating Pizza!"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.

    His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...

    "Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"

    So what say the friends, flip her over.

    "Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.

    "Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.

    "Halitosis" the man says.

    "Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.

    "Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    theyre disgusting and not even funny :yuck: :sour:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Whats brown and hides in the attic?
    The diahorrea of Anne Frank
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    theyre disgusting and not even funny :yuck: :sour:

    They are funny...

    They are just so funny you forgot to laugh ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    They are funny...

    They are just so funny you forgot to laugh ;)
    that must be it. I forgot to laugh cos i was so busy vomiting.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    250!!
    that must be it. I forgot to laugh cos i was so busy vomiting.

    Yeah right... :yeees:

    I rather not defend myself on that one for you sake ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thought this one was class....

    This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers.
    It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.


    A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building.


    One day Willie and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.


    The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.


    She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.


    They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.


    They even gave her very own hard hat and gloves. At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins.


    The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.


    When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier.


    The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house." "My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?"


    The little girl thought for a moment and said, "I think so. Provided those c*nts at Travis Perkins deliver the f**king bricks.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hahahaha. It's funny cos it's true.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not one to read whilst you're eating your dinner:

    A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He
    sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring
    blankly at a bowl of chilli. After about 15 minutes of just sitting there
    staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't goin' to eat
    that, mind if I do"?

    The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his
    best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead".

    Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to The bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli into the bowl.










    The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too"! :lol:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Scouser walks into a job centre and tells the assistant he is desperate for a job... the assistant replies "Thats fortunate, we have just got one for a chauffeur for a multi-millionaire to look after his twin nympho daughters, on overseas trips with a salary of 200K a year" The scouser says "You're bullshitting me...". Assistant replies "you started it!".
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    relentless wrote:
    Scouser walks into a job centre and tells the assistant he is desperate for a job... the assistant replies "Thats fortunate, we have just got one for a chauffeur for a multi-millionaire to look after his twin nympho daughters, on overseas trips with a salary of 200K a year" The scouser says "You're bullshitting me...". Assistant replies "you started it!".

    If we are getting on to scouser jokes:

    Why wasn't Jesus born in Liverpool?
    Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin


    What do you call a scouser in a suit?
    The accused
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    \
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    (i'm allowed to tell scouse jokes cos i'm from liverpool)

    I just like telling 'em because I'm from Manchester :lol:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    scouse mum

    Nice :thumb: :D :hyper:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.

    The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
    The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
    The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple
    finishes,the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way
    you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them
    good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.

    The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex
    therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
    This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an
    appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

    Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but
    I have to ask.
    "Just what are you trying to find out?"

    The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.
    She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

    The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do
    it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!"
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