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My fiance doesn't know what he wants anymore
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Me and My finace just got engaged on Christmas. Now a week later is isnt sure what he wants. He told me he loved me and doesnt want to talk about it with me because i get upset. He told me that he isnt sure if we will always be happy because we are VERY different. We dont fight all the time but we have had a rough year. Back in April i caught him talking to another girl he worked with. They talked several times everyday on the phone, he would say is doing one thing but go see her and he stayed out one night and didnt come home still the next day. We didnt break up but it took me MONTHS to get over it. I finally got over this in Septemeber but now his exgirlfriend just came to see him at his work. This caused a HUGE argument which he said he isnt going to talk to her anymore but i dont know if i can trust him or not.
So ever since this happened (on sunday) he has been weird. What should i do? He told me he doesnt want to break up but i cant stay around forever if he keeps telling me he is unsure. I am in some desperate need of help and advise.
So ever since this happened (on sunday) he has been weird. What should i do? He told me he doesnt want to break up but i cant stay around forever if he keeps telling me he is unsure. I am in some desperate need of help and advise.
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Comments
Why did you get engaged? In what context was it?
If you're going to be paranoid and cry and wail every time he talks to another girl, then of course he's not going to bother talking about it with you. What's the point? If you've decided it's dubious, he isn't going to convince you otherwise. And why should he? It's your problem not his.
If he's proposed then he obviously likes you a bit. Take that on board. Even if it's the last throw of the dice (and sometimes it is), it shows he cares enough to bother for once last time.
If you knew his exgirlfriend and the relationship they had you wouldnt like it either.
If you can't trust your bf then what exactly do you have? Why can't you trust him? Because she's a flirt? Please.
Maybe my bf is having cold feet (even though i havent even started planning). I think he is just scared and worried about the future. We are oppoistes of each other, but i think sometimes that makes us stronger.
Do you not think exes can be friends? Why would she "get the wrong idea" when he's proposed marriage to you?
I don't know all the facts, but I actually think you are being needlessly paranoid.
I think some exes can be friends but not the ones where you were together for 4 years off and on and where (the girl in this case) was a totally bitch and cheated on the person all the time. She would drag my bf around and lie to him. He wouldnt leave his room for days because of her.
I may be paranoid about her but that doesnt make sense about what he is telling me. I mean he tells me he is unhappy but why propose? and why act this way after you talked to your ex? Maybe she made him realize something.
I think before you continue analising and trying to guess what's been hapenning in your fiancée's mind, you should ask yourself what is happening to you.
Firstly, the issue of trust. If it's a fact that he's lied to you before, no wonder you have difficulty trusting him. Has this issue really cleared up? Has he given you any reason that he could be lying to you again? And I mean apart from his ex gf turning up, has he given any sign that he would be interested in her? But more importantly, deep down, do you trust him? Are you ready to trust him?
Personally, I think trust an essential component of any relationship, especially one based on love. Whatever the reasons, if you can't genuinely trust him now, is there any effort you can do (like trying to be less paranoid if it were the case) to try and trust him? And also, is he willing to put in some effort in behaving trustworhty?
Secondly, there's the issue of his being unsure. I think its very true what you say, that you can't wait around forever if he's having second thoughts about the wedding. Personally, I'd ask myself this question: do I want to marry a guy who's not sure of marrying me? Of course everyone is entitled to getting cold feet from time to time, or certain doubts, but only you can judge to what extent those doubts are justified and how long you are willing to wait for him to make up his mind. (And while we're on the sibject I think he should also ask himself if your doubts are justified by his previous behaviour).
and thirdly, I think you really should be able to talk about this stuff. I find it absurd that he doesn't want to talk this over with you... it's boths relationship! I think you should ask him up front why is he acting weird, its a totally legitimate question. Although, if you react badly and impulsively when he tries explaining what's on his mind... then its understandable and you need to chill.
Well, as I said, only you can provide answers to all this, hope it works out.
I took off my ring last night. I asked him this morning if he wants me to wear it and he said "sure". Which i didnt really like that response but i asked him again and he told me yes. I told him i would understand if he doesnt want me too but he said he did.
I think "all of this" will die out and we will be fine. But that is one thing im scared of. I dont want him to stick around if truely he is unhappy inside. I dont think he talks about these things to other people to get them out and i dont think he talks to me because he is scared i wont understand.
I guess i have to hope for the best and hope things work out they way they should be. I do really love him though.
as in, it was like he just went along with it then realised "oh i have to actually COMMIT now" so then told the truth... maybe ur bf is going thru that now. sorry i guess this isnt what u want to hear right now but that was my experience....
This will give me the opportunity to find someone that i do make him. I just dont know what to do about my daughter. Her daddy works alot anyway so she doesnt seem him all the time. But its going to confuse her down the road when we are with other people. Im just scared for her now.
Thanks again everyone!