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Cutting him off completely.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
This may take a bit of a read...
I think one of my earliest memories of my father and mother is sitting in the car when my Dad raised his fist and threatened to give Mum a fat lip. From that moment on my mother decided to leave my father, he'd threatened her a lot, psychologically abused her and now he was doing it in front of me and my brother. In fact I don't remember a lot of happiness in my childhood, he isn't a nice man in my eyes, he's still my father however.
From the age of ten I partially blamed myself for the divorce of my parents and I think what made things harder was that there was a new woman on the scene (let's call her Lady X), one I was unsure of. After living in Caegwrly (or however it's spelt), he moved in with her... At the time I was too young to realise she was one of the four affairs that he had behind our back.
So I started going down there on weekends, she was temperamental... I'm told a lot of the things she did to me and my brother is child abuse... She made us kiss her feet once, she put me down a lot and when I was thirteen she came in to the bedroom and started saying how I was too fat to go on holiday and wear a swimming costume. Effectively she helped to destroy my self confidence and things went downhill spiral of self-harm and solvents. I ended up refusing to go there anymore.
Dad never had time to see me, he was always doing things for her... I don't know why, I felt selfish for asking for attention, I also felt unworthy for it too. We lived in the highest village in Wales, the winters were sooooo cold... I remember the radiators would freeze and I think we made games from that somehow... I remember crying, being curled under my sheets. Dad wouldn't help us out with any money, he told Mum if she wanted heating for myself and her then she should go down the woods to cut down trees. I felt like he was punishing me in a way... Even more retrospectively because I wouldn't go to his. I only saw him when I went to church.
I remember my friend died and I broke down mentally at seventeen, I couldn't even look after myself but I don't remember much, I felt heavy, so heavy... I ended up in a psychiatric unit for young people... They told me there that one of the main sources of my problems they said was him and Lady X... Who'd say and do horrible things and he'd stay and laugh. I couldn't look in a mirror, I hurt myself, I used solvents and quenched my emotions with alcohol and cannabis... They said I had severe depression and anxiety disorder.
Now here is where I stop... Because I'm recovered, everything is behind me. I'm a happy young woman in many respects and no longer do I have bad ways of dealing with emotional problems. I'm studying in London and I have adjusted well... I make friends quite easily and enjoyed it so much...
But on returning home I realised that a great deal of what my problems were, being away was masking instead of dealing with them. My confidence has grown since I've been away but at the same time it's almost as if I've been indulging in escapism in that sense. My father offered to come see me when I was down the pub because having young "friends" (i.e. my friends) makes him seem hip...
Don't worry, this is almost over...
So I thought all was forgotten on the day after when we went to see his sister and the two daughters. He doesn't seem interested in what I was doing... He's never asked me really any questions about how I am, if I have a partner, if I've joined any societies or if I like my course. We all sat down and had coacoa... I love my auntie and cousins.
And then came the topic of health, how Lady X is suffering so bad and back in rehab and how brave she's being as if we all should admire her, her almighty battle with alcohol and his battle with all the ways he's fucked up his body with an unhealthy diet, fags and booze. He takes more drugs than Howard Marx at a rave to control them... Yeah, me and the two teenage cousins really wanna know that... I mean Ok, it doesn't sound that bad... But there was one thing that really hurt me...
On the topic of his will, he told me that Lady X, after him had left her posessions to me and my brother and then, in front of my auntie he said in a sly and condescending manner "see, she's really not as bad as you think." As if I should worship and love the woman who abused me...
Emotional fucking blackmail.
I'm changing my number so he can't contact me... Is that running away?
Talking won't do any good as he's sooooo self absorbed.
Am I a bad person for resenting him and his alcoholic partner? If she's so ill... maybe she didn't mean to abuse us.
I'm confused... But I'll never be happy with him around. :crying:
Sorry it's so long.
I think one of my earliest memories of my father and mother is sitting in the car when my Dad raised his fist and threatened to give Mum a fat lip. From that moment on my mother decided to leave my father, he'd threatened her a lot, psychologically abused her and now he was doing it in front of me and my brother. In fact I don't remember a lot of happiness in my childhood, he isn't a nice man in my eyes, he's still my father however.
From the age of ten I partially blamed myself for the divorce of my parents and I think what made things harder was that there was a new woman on the scene (let's call her Lady X), one I was unsure of. After living in Caegwrly (or however it's spelt), he moved in with her... At the time I was too young to realise she was one of the four affairs that he had behind our back.
So I started going down there on weekends, she was temperamental... I'm told a lot of the things she did to me and my brother is child abuse... She made us kiss her feet once, she put me down a lot and when I was thirteen she came in to the bedroom and started saying how I was too fat to go on holiday and wear a swimming costume. Effectively she helped to destroy my self confidence and things went downhill spiral of self-harm and solvents. I ended up refusing to go there anymore.
Dad never had time to see me, he was always doing things for her... I don't know why, I felt selfish for asking for attention, I also felt unworthy for it too. We lived in the highest village in Wales, the winters were sooooo cold... I remember the radiators would freeze and I think we made games from that somehow... I remember crying, being curled under my sheets. Dad wouldn't help us out with any money, he told Mum if she wanted heating for myself and her then she should go down the woods to cut down trees. I felt like he was punishing me in a way... Even more retrospectively because I wouldn't go to his. I only saw him when I went to church.
I remember my friend died and I broke down mentally at seventeen, I couldn't even look after myself but I don't remember much, I felt heavy, so heavy... I ended up in a psychiatric unit for young people... They told me there that one of the main sources of my problems they said was him and Lady X... Who'd say and do horrible things and he'd stay and laugh. I couldn't look in a mirror, I hurt myself, I used solvents and quenched my emotions with alcohol and cannabis... They said I had severe depression and anxiety disorder.
Now here is where I stop... Because I'm recovered, everything is behind me. I'm a happy young woman in many respects and no longer do I have bad ways of dealing with emotional problems. I'm studying in London and I have adjusted well... I make friends quite easily and enjoyed it so much...
But on returning home I realised that a great deal of what my problems were, being away was masking instead of dealing with them. My confidence has grown since I've been away but at the same time it's almost as if I've been indulging in escapism in that sense. My father offered to come see me when I was down the pub because having young "friends" (i.e. my friends) makes him seem hip...
Don't worry, this is almost over...
So I thought all was forgotten on the day after when we went to see his sister and the two daughters. He doesn't seem interested in what I was doing... He's never asked me really any questions about how I am, if I have a partner, if I've joined any societies or if I like my course. We all sat down and had coacoa... I love my auntie and cousins.
And then came the topic of health, how Lady X is suffering so bad and back in rehab and how brave she's being as if we all should admire her, her almighty battle with alcohol and his battle with all the ways he's fucked up his body with an unhealthy diet, fags and booze. He takes more drugs than Howard Marx at a rave to control them... Yeah, me and the two teenage cousins really wanna know that... I mean Ok, it doesn't sound that bad... But there was one thing that really hurt me...
On the topic of his will, he told me that Lady X, after him had left her posessions to me and my brother and then, in front of my auntie he said in a sly and condescending manner "see, she's really not as bad as you think." As if I should worship and love the woman who abused me...
Emotional fucking blackmail.
I'm changing my number so he can't contact me... Is that running away?
Talking won't do any good as he's sooooo self absorbed.
Am I a bad person for resenting him and his alcoholic partner? If she's so ill... maybe she didn't mean to abuse us.
I'm confused... But I'll never be happy with him around. :crying:
Sorry it's so long.
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Comments
If you truly feel that cutting him off will make you feel better, then my only advice is to go for it. Just make sure, that you're completely down with it, so you wont have doubts or what if's later on along the line.
Good luck.
You are so much better off without him.
Dont feel bad I haven't had any proper contact wi mine for app 5 years,I love him coz he's my dad but he stays away from me since I stood upto him.We send cards on birthdays etc but dont speak.
You seem to have your s**t together in the rest of your life so dont let him bring you down.It can be hard but arsehole dads just aren't needed.And as for the lush she's not your problem .Get on with your life and be a success but in the words of Noel "dont look back in anger." It's not worth it.
I'm not a bitter person, I'm turning it around to make myself more dedicated to the people that I love.
But it still hurts...
He's never done anything to help us at all, and the only thing I can ever get from him now is a bit of cash here and there. He doesn't even bother contacting us much anymore, and he's really not worth it.
It takes a lot of balls to cut him off completely, I don't think I could do it but I'm proud of you and stand by you if that's what you want to do. The thing about Dad is he'll never realise what he's lost until he loses it. And he only cares about two people, himself and his woman. We're just bi-products of his past and he's moved on from that, sad but true.
He's not worth anything, and one day hopefully his ignorance will bite him in the ass, and he'll realise what a bad person he is.
you "dad, she was a dick to me you left your family for that abusive wench"
da "you've got it all wrong, sure she left you stuff in her will, she clerly loved her and you imagined your entire shitty teenage life associated with her"
Grrr the mind boggles :mad:
If you've got this far then you can go further.
Anyway... Not much to say, really. You know what you want to do, and what is probably best for you. Just make sure it's what you really want before you do it, as it can be harder to repair a demolished bridge than it is to keep travelling the less than perfect one.
I've spoken to my mother twice in the last 5 years. She lives a half mile up the road; she abused me physically and mentally for much of my childhood. Nobody ever really believed me when I'd tell them that I hated my mother - I think they do now.
You're old enough to know what is right and wrong, and more specifically, what is right and wrong for yourself. I don't think anyone could blame you for not wanting them in your life, from the sound of things.
You, and you alone, have the power to make your life exactly what you want it to be. Make it count
He wants me to be successful (I believe) to make himself look good.
Sometimes I think my dad doesn't love me because he's a prick 95% of the time but I know deep down he does and I'm sure yours does aswell.
To be honest, after all that you describe I'm surprised you haven't already cut all connections. Is it the money help that's stopping you?
Hopefully by the summer I'll be stronger.
you dont deserve it, its not your fault, of corse it will be hard to cut all ties if you decide that is what you want. take your time, and take care of your self, you dont deserve it, its his job to take care of you and he didnt
Your story reminds me in many ways of mine. I too have a father who split from my mother and then married someone else who destroyed my self esteem and self confidence. He joined in as well and so did my brother, who didn't get the same treatment from them.
I haven't seen my father now in many years. He's got grandchildren here who he has never seen and who know nothing of him. No matter.
You really don't need to make any announcements or decide to burn your bridges. It took me a lot of years thinking about the same thing and feeling guilty, wondering things like how I will feel when he dies, before I came to that conclusion. I thought I was too much of a coward to cut all ties with him, but then I realised that I didn't need to. My continued silence and lack of contact, day by day, week by week, month by month, year on year has in practical terms the same effect.
It is not your fault. You have little control over who your parents are. You have absolutely no control over who they were before you were born, and next to no control over who they are from that point on. All one can hope for is that they become better people as a result of having you in their lives.
It's not your fault.
It is not your fault.
It is absolutely not your fault.
Really.
And there is nothing cowardly about dealing with it in your own way. You have to do what you have to do; just make sure that what you do is the right thing for you.
It is not your fault.
I mean talking isn't easy... But somehow I did it and didn't get all the answers... But I have to move on. Apparently she's been an alcoholic for years and that was why she was so bad... I don't think he knew how to react when she treated us like that... I think he was scared.
But I'm starting over... For some reason... Well I feel no more hatred and anger. I think I can move on.
I hugged him back for the first time since I can remember.