Friends with the ex?

Former Member · December 2005

Well basically i just need a bit of advice, i'm a little at a loss of what i should do here. The story is, that my ex broke it off with me a couple days before christmas, there is no chance of us getting back together. we didn't speak for a few days then spoke the day after christmas, he said he would like to be friends with me.

the problem is, when we do hang out, it is so hard to separate the fact that we aren't together anymore, i mean we still hold hands and kiss and say i love u and miss u so it feels like we're going out! it's so confusing! i really want to be with him, he is the one that doesn't want to be with me, yet he still acts like he is, i just don't know if he is confused too or leading me on....
because he says he does'nt want to see me every day, or even talk to me or msg me as much, but then acts like this when we're together...

i don't know if i should cut him off for a while until we are clear on our feelings, or continue this "best friends but act like we're going out" charade?

is it possible to be friends straight away or do we need space first?
please help! i'm so confused!

Former Member · December 2005

i think you need to let your head be clear before you go rushing into making any decisions etc, and its hard to do that when you have him there clouding your judgement

give yourself both a bit of space, and i think its going to be hard anyway for something like a relationship to turn into a friendship straight away anyway, even if both parties were sure of whats going on

plus i think i just read in another thread how he split up with you, that reason is enough so that if i was you, id hit him very hard with something very dense

as i said above, give yourself both time, and hey if it doesnt work out as friends, or even if it does, you know for deffo either way, rather than being stuck in the middle and slowly drifting along like you are now, be decisive

Former Member · December 2005

MrG wrote:

hit him very hard with something very dense

best idea i've ever heard!

seriously though, i feel it's so hard to let go of him, i never wanted our relationship to end

Former Member · December 2005

It's unfair of him to act couply when he does meet you, yet claim he wants to see you less, and he was the one that broke it off in the first place. I would say cut yourself off completely; it will be the hardest thing at first, but better in the long run, otherwise whenever you meet up, you'll feel as if you're so close yet so far from him. Don't indulge in any texting or phoning to say "i miss you," as it's prolonging the agony, and keeping yourself dependent on him, when ideally you want to find friends to help you through, and keep busy with them. Later on, you may end up being friends with your ex, but for now you won't be able to keep up a charade for very long.

Former Member · December 2005

you have to do what feels right for you now. if it's easier to not see him then don't see him. understandably seeing him will bring back your feelings for him and as the break up was quite recent, you're obviously going to be feeling quite emotional. me and my boyfriend (well, ex now) split up 4 months ago and we're still friends. though we have spent much of the time since we split casually seeing eachother. i wouldn't advise that to be honest!

**helen** · December 2005

MrG wrote:

i think you need to let your head be clear before you go rushing into making any decisions etc, and its hard to do that when you have him there clouding your judgement

give yourself both a bit of space, and i think its going to be hard anyway for something like a relationship to turn into a friendship straight away anyway, even if both parties were sure of whats going on

plus i think i just read in another thread how he split up with you, that reason is enough so that if i was you, id hit him very hard with something very dense

as i said above, give yourself both time, and hey if it doesnt work out as friends, or even if it does, you know for deffo either way, rather than being stuck in the middle and slowly drifting along like you are now, be decisive

:yes: you may also find it helpful to have a read of TheSite's article on being mates with an ex

Former Member · December 2005

thanks for all the replies! i guess i know what i should do....i guess i was hoping for alternatives LOL i suppose there isn't any really... it's just hard when actually in the situation...

lucifer devil wrote:

me and my boyfriend (well, ex now) split up 4 months ago and we're still friends. though we have spent much of the time since we split casually seeing eachother. i wouldn't advise that to be honest!

lucifer did u sort of have the same problem i did? and if so did u eventually get over the feelings without cutting contact?

Former Member · December 2005

sorry, read your post again but not sure what sort of 'problem' you mean?

no the feelings are still there for both of us, which can be sad sometimes but at the same time i like how he's still part of my life. he was very special to me so it'd be a shame to lose that.

we'll be right till one of us gets someone new.

Former Member · December 2005

why do you think he's still acting couply with you, he's either being really unfair by trying to keep you hanging till he gets someone else or he does still have feelings for you. you say theres no chance of you getting back together, are you sure? ive never been in this situation but i would try to figure out exactly what he's thinking, explain to him you dont want to act couply unless you are a couple, its not fair on you.

Former Member · December 2005

It may not be the best advice, but it's the one that'll make you giggle....

I tend not to stay friends with an ex. They're the prick for breaking up with YOU. And YOU are fabulous. They are dog food.

Saw my ex in Mcdonalds today, with his mates. Walked down the stairs with my sister and completely blanked him. He didn't like that... Serves him right, what kind of prick wishes you a happy one month anniversary and finishes the sentence with 'I've met someone else'.

*serious moment* My advice is to cut yourself off if you feel the friendship is too difficult too soon. Maybe eventually you'll be friends again but just maybe distance yourself for now?

Former Member · December 2005

I agree with everyone else, ypu need to ask him why he is still acting all couply, if its because he still wants to be with you then fair enough.

if its not then you need to distance yourself from him and sort your head put without him there fucking it up by cracking on to you.

someone futher up said that he had finished with you badly? if thats the case then i think he's just stringing you along, no girlfriend, no responsibilitys, casual sex when he wants it and can sleep with whoever else he wants because your not "together"

i think you need to get rid because you deserve better

Former Member · January 2006

oo I was in the position, and ive been in it for a year, its not pretty and someone will end up getting hurt! My now completely 100%!! Ex boyfriend lol ended up sleeping with people etc but i still let him come back because it felt like we were still together? Its not good! If you can be friends then its great, but if thats all your going to be then youve got to make it clear that it is all your going to be and get out of the habit of being all couply, you never know he might realises he misses it and want to get back together!x

Former Member · January 2006

Sugar wrote:

why do you think he's still acting couply with you, he's either being really unfair by trying to keep you hanging till he gets someone else or he does still have feelings for you. you say theres no chance of you getting back together, are you sure? ive never been in this situation but i would try to figure out exactly what he's thinking, explain to him you dont want to act couply unless you are a couple, its not fair on you.

yeah i'm sure, unfortunately..... i have asked him many times...

he reckons he still loves and misses me but just can't be with me so that is his excuse for the couply behaviour

which doesn't make much sense to me since if you miss someone that much u would be with them!

Former Member · January 2006

nicx1811 wrote:

Serves him right, what kind of prick wishes you a happy one month anniversary and finishes the sentence with 'I've met someone else'.

Wow, he sounds like a prize :yeees:. Good on you for blanking him..

In answer to the initial poster, you need space and lots of it. This guy wants to have his cake and eat it; not be a "boyfriend" (with all that it entails) as such, but get the benefits of coupledom when he happens to see you.

Ideally I'd say don't see him at all; if it's unavoidable then make sure one of your friends is aware that you do not want to be kissing, cuddling, holding hands with this guy. Then they can give you some moral support, as we all know how easy it is to slip back into comfortable, routine activities.

Be resolute about this, otherwise he'll be playing ping-pong with your feelings for the forseeable future. Give it time, and if it's possible for you to be "just friends" then eventually you'll become just that.

Former Member · January 2006

Yeah I don't know the background but it sounds like he is using you. Try and break free, keep busy, so you can get over him. You can't get over him like this.

Former Member · January 2006

PussyKatty wrote:

Yeah I don't know the background but it sounds like he is using you.

basically it wasn't so nice how we broke up, he said he was gonna get me a commitment ring for christmas, when we decided to go get it he said "i'm going inside to get my atm card" i waited in the car, then he came back outside 2mins later n broke up with me....

Friends with the ex?

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