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Need a Very funny Joke ASAP
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in General Chat
hiya all
As the title to the post says i need a Very funny ASAP, i'm really bad at remembering them :banghead: please help.
As the title to the post says i need a Very funny ASAP, i'm really bad at remembering them :banghead: please help.
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How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Wanna go ride bike?
done a search on google and got this one.
A gentleman died and arrived in hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder gentler hell, each person is offered Three choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1000 year cycles and you could pick which cycle in which to begin.
So the Devil took the man to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. The man said he did not think that was where he wanted to start.
They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a Cat-O-Nine Tails. The man also declined this form of torture.
The third room had a man strapped to the wall naked and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. The man told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted.
The Devil said are you sure?, it lasts for 1000 years! The man assured him that this was the punishment he wanted.
So the Devil walked over to the young woman and said "You can go now, I have found your replacement"
ok its not great but it was the best i could find. without spending a few hours looking
Theres always the dead baby jokes and ethopian jokes and i know tons of racist jokes
I really wish I could find that other joke thread for you.
Edit: wait, your not new though, your that other person
A policeman was chasing a criminal. The criminal ran into the cinema and it was now the policeman stopped chasing him.
"Why did you stop?" asked a pedestrian.
The policeman responded, "Nah, I've already seen the movie."
Two guys are in a bar. they find out they have the same wedding anniversary.
One asks the other "what did you get your wife for your anniversary?"
The other man replied," A Jag and a Mercedes."
"wow that weird why both?"
"Well if she doesn't like driving the jag she can drive the Mercedes. What did you get your wife?"
"A pair of slippers and a vibrator."
"wow that's really weird why?"
"well if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself!"
They can't get the little mice to buttfuck
...a baby in a microwave
-It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
-I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.
-I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Kermit wrote that, but Portsmouth is funny (in a very sick way).
Two mountain-climbers were climbing on a mountain, and one suddenly loses his grip and falls. The other shouts:
-John, can you hear me?
-YES!
-Did you break an arm?
-NO!
-A leg?
-NO!
-Did you break anything at all?
-NO!
-Are you okay then?
-NO!
-Why?
-STILL FALLING!
'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".
'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fucking wrote it!!!'