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A friend problem.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Alright, this is about my friend Kat. She is 16 years old.

She is dating someone online, who claims to be 22 and lives in new jersey. What I mean by claims, is that he tells other people he is 18, and one person asked how old he really was, and Kat told him, the person said "oh well then he's been 21 for the past three years".
Alright, so they've been dating for about six months now, and Kat thinks she's completely in love with this guy. She has never met him. She has seen pictures...but those might not even be him. Before they were dating, they were friends but it was never really anything serious. But now she just thinks that she is just full blown in love with him. She told me a long time ago that he would met her when she was eighteen or something. It really doesn't console my worriment.
Another thing is, if that me and another friend were to tell her about something, her boyfriend would know about it. And like wise if we talked to him. I remember we made a little video and I did something really crazy and embarassing(you know those girl sleepovers :blush: ) and I told her not to show him. She did anyway.
Also, perhaps you have heard the expression "chicks before dicks", (and if you haven't well then now you have I suppose) she has admitted that it she use to be all for that, but now its different. In other terms, she would take his side over ours if we were to get in a fight.

Another thing, even if we were to say our thoughts about her relationship, she would get mad at us and probably not even take it into consideration.

So my friend are I pretty much clueless as to how to handle this. Do we just sit and do nothing, or do we apporch this slowly or what? I really don't like sitting and just watching, but I feel like that's all my friend and I can do.

thank you for your time.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, if this situation isn't putting your friend in any actual risk (like meeting up with this stranger in his house or any other non-public place), I don't think it's worth getting into fight, if you're so sure that's whats going to happen. I know the feeling of getting protective of our friends, but bear in mind you're her friends, not her mother, so she probably wouldn't appreciate the lecture. You can try to approach this by another angle though, one that a friend could do but not the parents cause they're not cool enough to do it, like asking her in a 100% interested and non-judgemental way what is it that she likes about him, why is she in love with him, how does he make her feel, etc. Like you would talk about any of your other friends' boyfriends. This way she'll feel more open to talk about it and thus more likely you can discuss things that are and aren't so good about this relationship. This way you might come to the subject about how can she be in love with him if she hasn't ever met him and stuff... but more important than anything you discuss is that you always have a true listening and non-judgemental attitude towards her relationship. After all, it's her life, and you can point out that there are certain things that you don't understand about it, but youre not there to pass judgement on it. Most probable thing that will happen is that she'll realise herself that it's a pretty absurd situation, or just get bored and end it. But she has to discover this for herself. If she doesn't, then its because the relationship really does mean a lot to her and is something important in her life, and if so, what right do you have to bother her about it? To me, it sounds quite harmless really.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think since you dont know of any plans for her to meet him then you should just be a good friend to her, dont let her know you're against the relationship because it wont change anything and you wouldnt want her to arrange to meet him and not tell you, would you? you want to be there for her and if anything comes of this relationship you can help her stay safe. she's more likely to tell you where she is and the likes if she thinks you're on her side.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey, thanks for the replies.

    I wasn't really thinking about her lecturing her per-say. It just worries my friend and I, because whenever we talk to her about things her boyfriend will know about it in about five seconds, and then he'll come and talk to us about it. No exaggeration.

    You make a good point Sugar. I think I'll do that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It just worries my friend and I, because whenever we talk to her about things her boyfriend will know about it in about five seconds, and then he'll come and talk to us about it. No exaggeration.

    i thought she'd never met this guy how can he come and talk to you about it, im maybe being stupid but im a bit confused.

    it does strike me however that you seem to be concerned with the fact that you feel your friend considers her boyfriend more important than you and your other friend. maybe this isnt just about being worried about your friend, maybe you're feeling a little left out too? its only natural but try to remember that this relationship probably wont last but you'll be her friend for a long time yet.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sugar wrote:
    i thought she'd never met this guy how can he come and talk to you about it, im maybe being stupid but im a bit confused.

    She probably means her friends' boyfriend - the one she knows IRL?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Perhaps it's just me... but I really can't understand how someone can "date" someone without ever meeting him, especially for 6 months!!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry, what I meant by that, is that he comes online, like instant messaging and other such.
    Perhaps it's just me... but I really can't understand how someone can "date" someone without ever meeting him, especially for 6 months!!!

    Our thoughts exactly.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kelly wrote:
    Perhaps it's just me... but I really can't understand how someone can "date" someone without ever meeting him, especially for 6 months!!!
    Nope... Personally I tend to think that people who do online dating are needy or desperate, or have social anxieties... I mean if they hook up with somebody hundreds/thousands of miles away and it's unrealistic that it'll work on anything more than a text based level.

    It's just not a relationship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nope... Personally I tend to think that people who do online dating are needy or desperate, or have social anxieties... I mean if they hook up with somebody hundreds/thousands of miles away and it's unrealistic that it'll work on anything more than a text based level.

    It's just not a relationship.

    Are you just talking about people who join online dating sites or people who just meet on a message board of some sort then have a 'relationship'?
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