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What are the options now?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi...

I am in a situation I had hoped not to find myself in... but everyone hopes not to be in most situations, and most are inevitable in one shape or form. And being on the verge of a break-up of a long term relationship is definitely one of those. There is a long explaination that I must write out in order to get some useful advice, although it probably will be advice that i don't want to hear.

I am in a 3 year relationship with a guy and we have been living together for 1 year. We are both 21 and in university(studying completely different things). We are very young and this is the first long-term loving relationship either of us have ever been in. I have had previous short term relationships and he has never even kissed another girl.

And so it makes sense he feels unexpereinced. He does not think he can possibly stay with me or appreciate me or know if he loves me unless he has other experiences. And this seems reasonable. But I will still try and argue my case...

I love him to pieces. We are quite happy together. We enjoy being with each other, the sex is good and have similar views and tastes. Of course, we aren't a perfect match as nobody is, but all together we are quite happy. I don't want to lose him in my life he is my best friend and everything to me.

And he has said the same thing that he doesnt want to lose me either. He wants some way that we can still be together while he has other experiences with other girls. He wants to keep me as his best friend while he has other girlfriends. I'm not sure this will work, but I am so close to him, I want to do anything to keep him near me and in my life. I am often jealous now when he goes out with other girl friends and such, I don't know if I could handle hearing about him getting romatically involved with other girls. He wants to stay open and be best friends. So far this seems like the best option for us although not my favorite.

He also says he wants to keep the option open of getting back together someday. I want to say the same, but I don't want to get hurt by keeping my hopes up, as most "first loves" do not last and people change so much. And of course that leaves me the chance of being crushed once again by false hopes that will never be realized.

I am so confused. I have never wanted to be part of someone's life so much and have so many reasons not to.

I have been discussing this with all my friends and family. I think it is important to get as many views on it as possible to make the most informed decision. He needs to break-up with me.... but he also requests that we stay very close.... how is this possible? How can we stay friends without my wanting to love and care for him like a lover? Is his request reasonable? What do we do????

Any opinions at this point are valuable. Thanks
Sara

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think that'd work.

    I think people who are after breaks, but still want to be some what romantically involved are quite selfish.

    It's not realistic in the slightest. He wants to go and bother with other girls, but keep you dangling? After 3 years, he should know you enough by now that you probably wouldn't let this work. He's being so selfish. I wouldn't put up with that. It's such a slap in the face.

    I'd let him go. Hard as it may be, if he wanted to sow his wild oats when he was younger, he shouldn't have shacked up with you after so long. He's just thinking with his willy right now, and after 3 years he should have been WELL past that stage to an extent. :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This isnt a very nice situation but i totally agree with what 1983 said, after 3 years he thinks going off and being with other girls is more important than being with you, but he wants to have his cake and eat it. You'll never get over him while you're waiting around for him to get 'experience' but he could well get over you because he knows you're there waiting, he'll never know what its like to lose you if you're there in the background waiting for him. this situation will lead to hurt for you, dont do it.

    if he wants to go out there and have experiences with other women i think you should let him go, as hard as it may be. make it clear to him that you probably won't be around when he's done, he'll soon realise what he's doing, and if he doesnt would you really be able to forget what he got up to if you did get back together? its a kick in the teeth to your long term loving relationship if you ask me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree with 1983 & Sugar on this one.I know I couldn't be just friends while he was sleeping his way around uni,etc.I think he is being totally unreasonable.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Being friends with other people, male or female shouldn't be a problem.

    Having sex with other girls, I wouldn't see it as a problem, but if I wanted monogamy, yet loved him enough, I'd say "you've got three months. Get yourself sorted, then no more". It would hurt, but I'd rather it was like this than it build up and started going on behind my back.

    Getting romantiaclly involved with others, while in the relationship - not for me. I know people for whom polyamory works well, but in a relationship, I expect to be able to come first if I need it.

    Wanting to close the realtionship and come back to it later. Not an option. Sounds like he's trying to let you down gently, or is looking for something better, but will "make do" with you if he can't find it.

    University is a great opportunity to develop relationships, but many students grow up over the life time of their course, and sometimes that also means they grow apart - and there should be no blame in that - it is unfortunate but healthy.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Personally I think that you should give him an ultimatum - he can either stay in the relationship with you, as it is now, or he can go out and sleep with other girls but have absoloutely no contact with you. When I broke up with my ex I thought it would be reasonable for us to stay friends, however I just could not deal with it when he started getting on other women. Breaking contact with him was the best thing I ever did, as it meant that I wasn't constantly hanging on waiting for him, and wasn't constantly getting hurt when I heard through friends about what he was getting up to.

    It will be difficult at first but at the end of the day if he decides that going out and having sex with random girls is more important than his relationship with you, then he is not worth the effort. He is totally thinking with his penis. Ask him to imagine how he would feel if you told him you wanted to stay best friends with him while you slept with as many guys as you could, with the possibility of getting back with him after a few months if you didn't find anyone better?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    " He does not think he can possibly stay with me or appreciate me or know if he loves me unless he has other experiences. And this seems reasonable. But I will still try and argue my case..."


    dump him.

    he wants to have his cake and eat it. If he wants an open relationship but you don't then it's not going to work for you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well thank you everyone. This is exactly how I see it. If we break up we should make it clean in order not to break my heart over and over again. If he's not sure I'm enough then he has to make the decision to lose me forever.

    But I would also love to hear some guys opinions because it is inside the guy's head that these crazy ideas come. Thanks
    Sara
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    skara wrote:
    But I would also love to hear some guys opinions because it is inside the guy's head that these crazy ideas come. Thanks
    Sara
    Hey! I gave you a guy's opinion. I'll put it in blokes terms.

    I think you've got it wrong. He's only asking if he can have sex with some other girls, not leave you.

    I suggested you give him a short duration "fuck who you want" deal - you don't even need to break up.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you don't think he'll enjoy that too much and I'm set for a break up in 3 months?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think you should let him "fuck who he wants" - at the end of the day, relationships are about commitment, they take work. At some point most people in a relationship think about what it would be like to be with someone else, but the point is that you love and respect the person that you are with so much that you realise that what you have with them is more important than sex with randoms. Love often entails some element of sacrifice - ie. you sacrifice being single and everything that that entails because your desire to be with that one person is infinitely stronger than your desire to have sex with other people.

    Why should you have to go through three months of uncertainty and pain just so he can stick it up some other girls, and then still be able to come back to his unfailingly adoring girlfriend who will instantly forgive him for everything that he has done, understanding that he has "needs"!.

    Furthermore, if you let him do it once, who is to say that a couple of years down the line, he won't want to do it again? "I think we need some time apart just so we can get perspective on the relationship and to be with other people so we can appreciate one another more - but I still love you and want to be with you at the end of it".

    If you were comfortable with the idea of an open relationship and you yourself really wanted to go and have "experiences" with other guys then I would say definitely go for it, but if is going to end up in a situation where he is out having fun with who he wants while you are pining away, fretting over what he is doing and who he is doing it with and wondering if he will still want you at the end of it all (which I know I would be) then I would definitely advise against it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    skara wrote:
    you don't think he'll enjoy that too much and I'm set for a break up in 3
    months?
    It is possible, but in my opinion unlikely. Do you really think he only stays with you for the sex? If that is so your relationship will fail down the line.

    You've had sex before, and you can distinguish sex from love. He hasn't and may wondering if he is mistaking one for the other - and while he enjoys the sex you've taught him, he perhaps wonders if there's more.

    Bear in mind that he (apparently, admittedly) has been faithful to you, and he has brought this issue up, rather than hiding it. This either shows he trusts you very deeply, or he thinks you're a doormat.

    I'd like to make clear it is not unreasonable for you to demand, and expect fidelity.

    Probably some questions you need to ask are: does he really just want to cool the relationship? Is this curiosity or something that is really bugging him? Does he have someone in mind, how far have things gone? How important is sexual fidlity to you.

    Perhaps 3 months is a bit long. Maybe one month, or 5 partners, or something. If you are going to allow his experimentation you need really need to talk about it, and set ground rules. You want to make sure he understands that you're allowing it to set his mind at rest, because you love him, but you would rather it wasn't happening - without turning it into a guilt trip.

    While not being keen, can you be at peace about it - if not it is a non starter as it will destroy the reationship from your side. You should perhaps warn him, while you expect and hope not to, you may come to hate him if he takes this course of action.

    Take my advice with a pinch of salt, while I am a bloke I can only guess how your bloke thinks. Also I'm gay, but I don't think it makes a difference. On the other hand, I have been in this open relationship for a long time.

    ground rules to consider: Always covered should be a must. GUM clinic before he starts, when he finishes and three months after that, keep covered until with you until that 3rd all clear comes back. Do you want to talk about it with him, should he wait for you to raise the subject, or should it never be mentioned.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    FireFly85 wrote:
    the point is that you love and respect the person that you are with so much that you realise that what you have with them is more important than sex with randoms.
    Absolutely. Sex with randoms is an irrelevance compared to what you have in a relationship
    Love often entails some element of sacrifice
    Angst ridden bullshit. I would give my life for my love, but I wouldn't expect him to give his for me. I would also not make myself unhappy to please him, because it would succeed only in causing him sorrow. If you expect each other to sacrifice things you end up two miserable old buggers who hate the sight of each other.
    - ie. you sacrifice being single and everything that that entails because your desire to be with that one person is infinitely stronger than your desire to have sex with other people.
    aparently love is about making sacrifices, so perhaps you should sacrifice your need for your partners fidelity.
    Why should you have to go through three months of uncertainty and pain just so he can stick it up some other girls, and then still be able to come back to his unfailingly adoring girlfriend who will instantly forgive him for everything that he has done, understanding that he has "needs"!.
    you mustn't do that. If it brings you pain or needs forgiveness you're not in a position to give him permission to do it. But what happened to your view that love was about making sacrifices for the other? Regardless, your attempted belittlement of the chap in question does you no favours.
    Furthermore, if you let him do it once, who is to say that a couple of years down the line, he won't want to do it again?
    It may happen, it may not. If it does, its a quite different scenario and needs to be considered as deeply as the first one.
    If you were comfortable with the idea of an open relationship and you yourself really wanted to go and have "experiences" with other guys then I would say definitely go for it
    open relationships don't have to be symmetrical, in my experience they rarely are. I was the partner going through "uncertainty and pain" - the uncertainty ended after the first one, and the only occasion I experienced pain was when I failed to tell him I neded him then - out of some stupid idea about love being about self-sacrifice.
    but if is going to end up in a situation where he is out having fun with who he wants while you are pining away, fretting over what he is doing and who he is doing it with and wondering if he will still want you at the end of it all (which I know I would be) then I would definitely advise against it.
    Absolutely. Me too.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If he wants to shag other girls he should not be in a relationship with you. Dump him!.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

    Angst ridden bullshit. I would give my life for my love, but I wouldn't expect him to give his for me. I would also not make myself unhappy to please him, because it would succeed only in causing him sorrow. If you expect each other to sacrifice things you end up two miserable old buggers who hate the sight of each other..

    As I said with the I.E - you sacrifice being single and everything that goes along with being single. In my view being in a relationship for example entails sacrificing being able to sleep with other people. I do not think this is "angst ridden bullshit", for me personally I would never consider being with someone who would not sacrifice sex with other people in order to be in a relationship with me.

    By sacrifice I do not mean not seeing your friends, changing yourself as a person in ways you aren't happy with etc etc. for the sake of being in a relationship with someone. Sorry if I did not make that clear, my point was that if you love someone and want to be in a relationship with them then you should necessarily sacrifice being single.

    aparently love is about making sacrifices, so perhaps you should sacrifice your need for your partners fidelity.

    As above, for me love entails the element of sacrificing being single and getting on whoever you want, especially in the context of a long term relationship.
    you mustn't do that. If it brings you pain or needs forgiveness you're not in a position to give him permission to do it. But what happened to your view that love was about making sacrifices for the other? Regardless, your attempted belittlement of the chap in question does you no favours.

    Once again, my point about sacrifice was about sacrificing being single - thats why I used the "i.e." - sacrificing being single and being able to sleep with whoever you wish. It is not about making yourself miserable for the sake of the other person - as you said that would indeed be an angst ridden bullshitty perspective to take on life.


    I am not belittling the guy, as I said everyone in a relationship considers what it would be like to sleep with other people. But ultimately I do not believe that people should be able to have their cake and eat it like that - you either love someone and are willing to commit to them, or you aren't. In my humble opinion, you have to decide whether it is more important to be with the person you love or to sleep with people you don't care about for the sake of experience.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    skara wrote:
    you don't think he'll enjoy that too much and I'm set for a break up in 3 months?

    i think he doesnt deserve you if he'd do that to you anyway, it doesnt matter what he wants, surely no self respecting woman would give him 3 months to have sex with whoever he wants then take him back as if none of its ever happened, you'd never get your relationship back to what it was and you'd be left with a broken heart anyway.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    FireFly85 wrote:
    As I said with the I.E
    sorry, I always confuse id est and exempli gratia
    In my view being in a relationship for example entails sacrificing being able to sleep with other people. [...] I would never consider being with someone who would not sacrifice sex with other people in order to be in a relationship with me.
    Then I wouldn't ask you to. I do know this isn't the case for all women, but I also know it is how women are taught to think.
    By sacrifice I do not mean changing yourself as a person in ways you aren't happy with.
    except where you do.
    In my humble opinion, you have to decide whether it is more important to be with the person you love or to sleep with people you don't care about for the sake of experience.
    And in my greater experience I say it is a false choice. Instead it's a case of having your cake and eating an orange.

    But this isn't about what you or I think, its about what options the OP has
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sugar wrote:
    surely no self respecting woman would give him 3 months to have sex with whoever he wants
    I know several self respecting women who have given their partners a lifetime, but on consideration I don't know anyone who has done it on a short term basis. It just seems a reasonable compromise in this case; but then virgins make me twitchy - because they do shit like this.

    If the guy really wants to go out and have several full blown relationships - i.e. from the outset planning to finish them, then he is fucked up.
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