heartBROKEN

hey, ok its my first post nd i dont really know how 2 word this without sounding like a freak or something, i feel like im a right sad case. I met this guy about 10 months ago in a club and everything was good at first we were always phoning eaother and meeting up going for drinks and stuff , we spoke to eacother every night for hours on the phone- kind of weird though because he was never my boyfriend, as much as i wanted him to be it just didnt happen- we spoke about getting together a few times but it just didnt happen. anyway as the months wnet on things changed, he never used to phone me as much, he would stop speaking to me or ignorre me for days, and when wed arrange to meet he would turn off his phone or just blatantly stand me up. ive lost count of the number of times hes stood me up,( he lives about 15 minits away on the train for me so i got 2 travel a bit to see him). I dont know why he does this to me- i love him so much, when i first met him i wasnt that interested in him - he just made me fall for him,one day i called him and he told me never to phone him again. i thought he must have had a girlfriend or something but he said he didnt, i didnt call him but about 2 weeks ago i was kinda drunk and i phoned him- he told me i was nothing to him, he hated me all along, and called me every name under the sun. i asked him why he was being like this and he told me it was because i was nothing and he hated me. im so unhappy- its been like this for ages since hes trated me bad, i cry myself to sleep every night and wake up in the morning somehow still crying. im so mad at him for making me feel like this about him, and leading me on, and im even madder at myself for loving him so much when he hates me and dissrespects me so much. I dont know what the hell i did for him to hate me so much? i treated him so well, and had so much respect for him. ok so maybe he wasnt interested any more but he could have jst aid that instead of hurting me so badly, anyway i tryed to get him to meet up with me but he wasnt having any of it, so i called him up a few days ago and aked him to come over for the night (the only reason he came was cos of sex) thats why the only person i can talk to is you guys coz i feel so embarrassed that im lowering myself to just giving myself to him when hes already told me he hates me and has no respect for me, the whole time we were having sex i was just thinking of how much i loved him, we were cuddling afterwars and i was so upset i just started crying to myself (quietly) cos i know thats is all i will ever be to him is sex. I just wanted him to hold me forever i think he must hav felt my tears on his chest cos he asked what the matter was and i just said my eyes were watering, i text him today just saying "happy christmas xx" and i got a text back saying "i will bitch" he called me a slag aswell, - (im not a slag, im 19 and have only slept with him and my past 2 boyfrineds) I love him so much and i cant even put it in words why- i hate the fact hes being like this cos i know how lovely he can be. thing is im scared, im scared im going to hurt myself, cos thats how he makes me feel most of the time theese days like i jus want to sleep and never wake up again, im not a psycho or anything i just cant belive that osmeone i love so much wants to hurt me so much.- my hearts hurting like hell, ive given him nothing but luv so whys he treating me like this maybe it was because i let him treat me badly from day 1, and if he hated me all along then why was he phoneing me and meeting up with me and taking me out ect all this time? i know im not ugly- i have no trouble getting guys but i dont want anyone but him, i go out clubbing with my mates and usualy end up leaving not even half way through the night and walking the whole hour home in tears, please dont slate me for anything! any replyes would be great, what is he playing at and how the hell am i spose 2 get over him if hes all i think about?its not that i havent got a busy enough life, i work full time and stuff an always out with my mates so im not just sat there twiddling my thumbs thinking of him, help pls!