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Depression and Self-Harming - Please read

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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thinking about death is fine - I'd go so far as to say it is a reasonably normal and everyday practice for many people.

    I think the difference is when you stop thinking about death, and begin thinking about actually initiating it. I've recently changed my definition of suicide - and have realised that I have probably felt suicidal for many years. I'd never act upon it - at least, I hope I wouldn't. I don't want do die, I don't want to kill myself - I just want to stop feeling how I do. I don't know if one would call it pain, but it certainly is suffering.

    Just because someone wishes they could stop the hurt they feel, and the feeling that they wish they could turn everything off starts to become overwhelming - it doesn't mean that anything physical has to take place. In my mind, all it means is that the owner of the thoughts and feelings has to accept where they currently are, and rely on the hope that the day will come where they no longer feel the way they currently do.

    In all honesty, I know nothing. Absolutely nothing, about many, many things. I'm barely starting to scratch the surface of what is inside of me, and I doubt I'll ever be able to claim a complete understanding of what makes me feel that I wish I'd never been born, or that to this day, given the choice of being born or not - I'd still choose not. But I most certainly do know and understand how it feels to be in this place, and how obscenely miserable and worthless I have felt whilst in it.

    I can't offer anyone a simple way out, nor even a complicated one. Nor one that actually works. I think we have to find it within ourselves, and that there is no generic answer to aid in the healing of these feelings. But, if anyone would ever like to talk, shout, cry, or complain, I'd like them to know that they are always welcome to get in touch with me if they'd rather not talk about things in public.

    I've no idea why I've made this long post; I felt I had to respond and it all made sense as I wrote it. It probably doesn't make any sense to anyone who reads it - but I guess that is the joy of life - we don't have to make sense, either to ourselves or to anyone else. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just worked out today is my 48th day without cutting. Which is the longest period for me this year! :yes: I still think about doing it everyday, and I still really want to do it at times, but I'm beginning to cope without it. As long as I can stay well away from certain triggers, I think I can do this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I ended up getting so upset. I tried ringing a number of friends but nobody was answering their phones.
    So I don't have a missed call because....? :(

    Hope you're ok sweetheart :heart:.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Life..................



    is a fucking bitch.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Cop-out. She wouldn't have offered if she wasn't willing to make time for you. In the nicest possible way :), I have to say that people are more of a burden when you know something is very wrong for them, but they don't talk to you about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Cop-out. She wouldn't have offered if she wasn't willing to make time for you. In the nicest possible way :), I have to say that people are more of a burden when you know something is very wrong for them, but they don't talk to you about it.
    Quite.

    Stace, I worry about you, I don't give a shit about my "problems" ok? They're nothing. I just want to let you talk at me. Ring me next time, ok? And if I don't answer, ring me again until I do, ok? I'll always answer if I can, even if you wake me up.

    :heart: take care of you lovely.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ^Same goes here, if you'd prefer to talk to someone you don't know. About anything you want - you, your family or friends, the state of society, the best car, or whether Febreeze means you can wear underwear for 7 days on the trot ;).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sigh.

    That pretty much sums everything up right now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    "Sigh".

    I don't want to be here anymore :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So, where would you rather be?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So, where would you rather be?
    Somewhere that's not here. Nowhere, maybe. I just want to disappear forever :(.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds the same as me. Crap, isn't it :(. Most days I wish I'd never been born, I resent my family for being there because they are about the only thing that keeps me in this place...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds the same as me. Crap, isn't it :(. Most days I wish I'd never been born, I resent my family for being there because they are about the only thing that keeps me in this place...

    Thats crazy. I used to be very suicideal. Now I'm only depressed. It was my family that kept me from being dead.

    It still is, though I dont think of death, I just think of sadness and despair. Even though I have no place to feel that way, I do.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    fucks sake. i feel so shite.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    fucks sake. i feel so shite.

    I wish I could help you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    my_name wrote:
    Thats crazy. I used to be very suicideal. Now I'm only depressed. It was my family that kept me from being dead.

    It still is, though I dont think of death, I just think of sadness and despair. Even though I have no place to feel that way, I do.

    For a long time - most of this year, and most of my life, in fact, I've felt like this. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I realisted that it really was so close to suicidal...

    Scared me senseless :).

    I don't plan on doing anything, I've never done any self harm, I see little reason to live but I see no reason whatsoever for killing myself. Though I do wish everything would just stop - wanting and acting are not the same thing.

    Most nights, I hope I don't wake up.

    Isn't that crap?

    But... I'm working my way through it. I can't see a light, I can't even see a tunnel. But... I live in the hope that one day I may stumble across it. I don't even need to reach the end of the tunnel, I just need to find where it is. If I can work out which direction I should be looking in, then that'll be a start. I don't need to find the light, I just need to find the way - and then I'll take myself however far down that tunnel that I can. I'll not be disappointed with whatever is at the end of it - because whatever it is, I'm sure it'll be a nicer place than where I am now.

    I feel so guilty... I feel such pain - I've no idea why, but these feelings are so much stronger when I see other people who may be where I am. It's kinda like I know I can live with it, and I can struggle each day to get out of it - but it isn't fair that other people have to do the same. I know that isn't normal, and that it's rather strange - but that's who I am. I feel awful that others have to go through what I am - so, I'd rather they talk to me than keep it all bottled up inside.

    I've probably no idea what anyone else is going through - folk near to me say they've been through depression, and have wished they'd not been here. But... from where I'm sitting, they haven't even scratched the surface. Maybe they just don't communicate it too well, and they have been to hell and back; maybe they haven't been as deeply lost as I am; maybe they've never really been depressed. Who knows... none of it means anything. So long as we can all find the direction we need to, then the world will be a happier place for so many people :).

    My door is always open to *anyone* who chooses to use it. You'll never be a burden, nor a problem, nor wasting my time. I've no idea what I'm doing but some people think I'm a good listener, and I've certainly been about as low as I can take - make of that what you will.

    I won't bite anyones head off, nor will I tell you that you're silly - even if you think you are :).

    I'd love to know just how I manage to write so much... I'm not really a very chatty person, but sometimes I start typing about something and it ends up being huge! Sorry all :).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Click to see more, have you been to your doctor about the way you feel?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yep. I started going in probably March, when I still didn't think I was depressed. I went to him because I needed help with my sleep. I went back in April or May, and admitted to him that I thought I was depressed, and began taking anti-depressants. I still wasn't sure that I was depressed until a couple of weeks after that - I still thought it was just me being silly, and that I was making a huge fuss over nothing.

    Over 3 years ago now, a good friend told me that he thought that at the very least, I was clinically depressed. I joking responded with "Well, if I am depressed, then I always have been!".

    And I had.

    I know I've been up and down over the years, I've definately felt like this for the majority of them. Sitting here, now, I can pinpoint moments of my life at 12, 9 and 7 where I distinctly recall feeling how I do now - I'm now 27, so despite this being an issue for most of my life, I pretty much didn't think anything of it. It was normal, it was the same as everyone else. :)

    My Doctor has been very understanding and supportive, he's keen to offer advice about medication, and always listens to what I say. I've told him I'm uncomfortable with a particular drug and he's stopped them straight away. I've tried something else that worked brilliantly, but 3 months into them I felt much less of the effects, and wanted to try higher dose - he was perfectly happy to change my prescription.

    I went back a couple of weeks back because I felt absolutely awful - I thought my body disagreed with the higher dose and wanted to drop back. My Doctor told me that he really didn't think it was worth going to a higher dose at this stage(I hadn't had a chance to tell him that I thought I'd need to do down a stage!), and we started talking about trying some sleeping tablets to try and overcome my main problem - lack of sleep.

    I've just woken up from tonights sleep - a whole 2 hours. I may get another hour or so before the sun starts to come up, but I highly doubt it. This is whilst on a 7.5mg dosage of Zopiclome. I've another appointment with my Doctor tomorrow(Tuesday) where I'll ask him if I can take something a little stronger, as the tablets aren't helping me too much - they *do* help, I just need something that will let me sleep a little longer, a little deeper.

    My Doctor is fantastic, IMO. He's happy to listen and works with me rather than telling me what to do. Very happy with him, I don't have a bad word to say about the poor chap :).

    I've been seeing a psychologist since August. I have to say that I've given it my best shot, but I don't feel any better for seeing him. Again, he is a nice guy, he is thoughtful and our sessions are thought-provoking. It has helped me understand parts of my life from a different perspective, but on the whole, I still feel just as I did before I started seeing him, though more messed up for a few days after each appointment.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No you don't. You just want someone to care for you as much as you care for them - they will come along :). How about getting a selection of dolls, one for each person you care about. When they hurt you, hurt the doll...

    It is important that you think, and feel. I believe you have a lot to offer people - you seem very caring, bright and intelligent, and genuinely nice. Most people in life aren't intelligent enough to become depressed - they have no chance of understanding things to the extent that we do. They're too busy wondering if their Chavva jacket goes with their Burberry cap, and what car they need to get one over on the neighbours. They don't really think about feelings, nor really care for anyone.

    You, however, obviously _ARE_ intelligent enough. And you know how to care for people - it's well obvious from the way you are on here.

    Hey, if you died, who would I have in here to chat with? :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sigh :crying: I'm such a fuckin loser. I self harmed again last night. *Cries* Why can't I control myself? I'm just feeling so so low at the moment. I feel as though nobody cares about and if I was to die, nobody would notice. I just want to be dead. I don't want to exist. I don't want to think or feel a thing. I just don't want to be here anymore because everyone I care about hurts me. The people I care about don't care that they are hurting me. They just don't care about me. *cries* I just want to be dead.
    I care. And I hope you know that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I never knew half the people here have problems. You all seem so bubbly and cool in other boards!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    turlough wrote:
    I never knew half the people here have problems. You all seem so bubbly and cool in other boards!
    Don't you just love the Internet ;p.

    On another note:

    Feeling shite. Again. Cried lots. My head hurts lot cause I got frustrated and felt it necessary to hit it rather hard.

    HURRAH!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm really fucked up. I want to be dead.
    Remember you have my number. Tbh.

    Take care of yourself honey.

    I wish I wasn't going away, 'cause I'm worried about you, and I don't want to think I wasn't there when you needed me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Franki wrote:
    Don't you just love the Internet ;p.

    On another note:

    Feeling shite. Again. Cried lots. My head hurts lot cause I got frustrated and felt it necessary to hit it rather hard.

    HURRAH!

    What made you feel shite? What did you feel frustrated about?
    I'm really fucked up. I want to be dead.

    You'd really fuck me up if you died. Don't you dare - I'm fucked up enough already! :) Please talk to me, I'd really like to help if I could.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'd never even thought about self-harming myself until recently. It was something that happened to other people.

    Last week I had a *big* fight with my mum. There're other issues here that I won't go into. I've punched pillows and things before as a way of releasing tension and aggression. I tried that, but it wasn't getting me anywhere; I was still angry. I wanted to actually *feel* what I was doing. I wanted to draw blood. I tried punching the wall in my bedroom. The image of having my knuckles bleeding seemed... I suppose I can only describe it as "romantic". I can't really explain that now.

    I gave up before long. I didn't manage anything more than a small graze that could just have easily been caused by a paper cut. I wanted more, but I didn't have the physical strength, I think.http://www.thesite.org.uk/community/pollsandsurveys

    I've not tried since. Not yet, at least. Part of me is still disappointed that I didn't manage it; that's certainly not helped my feelings of inadequacy. I don't think I want to try again either, although if you'd have asked me two weeks ago, I'd have said I'd never want to try.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    your-babe wrote:
    ...Sitting here crying, told a friend- she reacted badly- hasn't talked to me since, just makes me feel like a freak.
    You're no more a freak than the rest of us. She's probably just a bit weirded out by the whole situation; I know when I've found out that people are self-harming, it's made me feel bad: I feel I've let them down somehow. Particularly if it's not something she's had to deal with before, she probably doesn't know how to react. It's not much help, but try and remember: it's not a judgement on you. If you're a freak, then so's everyone else in the past 44 pages of this post, so at least you're in good company.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nobody here is a freak. Yes, we all suffer from things that many people don't understand - and even when they say they understand, or have suffered the same problem, they most likely don't understand how if all feels to you.

    I think there are two different types of self harm here - one is the release of anger. Hitting a wall to vent frustration - I've certainly wanted to, at times. Next time you feel the need to hit something, go outside. Go find a big tree to climb, or sprint up the road and run and run and run and run until your heart wants to jump out of your body.

    Then lie down and feel satisfied that the anger and frustration is vented. And done so without destruction to objects, damage to knuckles, or anything else. You'll feel good about it :).

    And if you still really want those romantic bleeding knuckles, go change the oil filter on a petrol engined Mondeo. A quid says you can't change it without having at least two bleeding knuckles, along with many scrapes and cuts on your hands :).

    We're on 115 pages, and we're all far from being a freak. The freaks in life are those who make no attempt to understand the needs of others. Hopefully they'll never reproduce and mother nature will kill the freaks off :).

    Chin up - it's Christmas. Even if you don't enjoy it, it's a good excuse to get drunk with friends. No friends? I'll have a drink with anyone in this thread. I'll even take you out for a ride on the back of my bike and make you feel more alive than you've done in a while! Look to the future - it won't always be like this. There will come a time in the future where you can look back at this stage in your life, and understand so much more about yourself than you ever thought possible. Things will make much more sense, and you'll be such a better person than the morons in life who just cannot contemplate what goes on in other peoples heads - either through lack of intelligence, or lacking the basic social skill of caring for people who are in need of a little help.

    Stuff 'em. Like yourself because of the position you'll be in when you do finally understand this part of yourself, and that one day you'll have it cracked. And you'll be a stunning and wonderful person because of that understanding - of course, you may still be an argumentative cock, who can't stop crapping their pants, has still never been laid, and drives a Reliant Robin.

    Whatever your personal traits are, your good and bad points(which, incidentally, everyone else has) - once you've sussed your feelings out you'll have a gift that the vast majority of people out there can't even imagine.

    Stick with it. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    They almost certainly feel *honoured* to have you as a daughter. They may not always remember it easily, but at one time you were the most precious thing in the entire world to them.

    We don't always show our true emotions to everyone else 100% of the time - but it is very, very rare for a parent to not want their child.

    Maybe if you explained to them how down you get, they'd be able to help?

    Things may or may not work out between you and your boyfriend. At the end of the day, there is a lifetime of happiness and fulfilment out there for you. You just have to find that road and stick with it. Not every day will be wonderful or perfect, but a time will come where you can look back at the joys you've had in your life, the friends and family you are blessed to have around you, and you'll know you picked a good road :).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What makes you feel hurt?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fuck. I slipped today. And I was doing so well...

    And now I feel like shit because my boyfriend will probably notice and I know this is really gonna upset him...
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