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You think you know someone and then...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I was talking about relationships with my girlfriend yesterday and somehow we got onto cheating. She came out with "if a guy ever cheated on me I would chop off his penis, I would want to make him really suffer". I was absolutely shocked by this comment, which was not said in jest at all, she was deadly serious. I thought I knew my girlfriend and really didn't think this was the way she was. I replied "really? That's not really a nice attitude to have. If you are serious then I don't think you're a very nice person at all"

She then made out that it was all a joke and she wouldn't really do it. I was shocked and wanted to make sure she really was joking and asked her another couple of times to make sure she wasn't serious and this wasn't really how she felt.

Well, for the rest of the evening I got the silent treatment, she wouldn't talk to me or even look at me. Many Many hours later she finally started talking about what had happend and said she was really upset that I didn't believe it was a joke and I had to keep asking her. She said there was nothing wrong with what she said as it was only a joke. I apologised to her and said I was just so shocked to hear that from her and that she sounded very serious when she said it. It didn't sound like a joke to me at all, and to be honest, even if it was a joke, it wasn't a very approriate one. This didn't really help matters, she still has the hump with me now for not believing her and for "overreacting" to a joke.

Personally though, I don't think I was wrong to be shocked by what she said. Her comments made me worry and feel a little bit scared of her (not because I plan on cheating and running the risk of her doing that, but because I don't like the idea of being with someone who thinks like that). I know she said it was a joke, but it was definately not said as one. I apologised many times for not believing her and for overreacting, but she continued to give me the cold shoulder all night.

I'm now left feeling really bad and like i've done something really bad. The way she treated me after was horrible, she wouldn't even look at me or answer my questions which really hurt. When I apologised she just threw it back in my face.

My two problems now are firstly that what she said wasn't nice, joke or no joke. Secondly, the really shitty way she treated me afterwards. Even in her eyes all I had done was to overrreact and not believe she was joking.

Of course the more I think about everything that happened the more I start blaming myself, so I thought I would get some other points of view. Was I overreacting with the comment? Should I have just laughed it off? Was it really such a terrible thing for me to ask her 3 times whether she was joking? Also am I wrong to feel a miffed that I was the one who ended up be punished for the whole thing and made to feel like everything was my fault?

Thanks.
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In my opinion what she said is a reasonable thing. Many peoples immediate comment would probably be something along those lines. If she said she was joking, just accept that she was.

    If you don't plan on cheating on her then you have nothing to worry about.

    Just try and forget the conversation happened..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why did you even apologise? What do you have to apologise for?

    She said something that actually isn't on. Even if someone cheated on you, you don't mutilate them in retaliation. She's obviously saying it was 'a joke' because you backed her into a corner, and she realised what she said was wrong, and the only way to get out of that without admitting it is to say it was a joke.

    She's acting like a child, and probably the best way to deal with it is to call her up on it. Tell her that it's childish what she's doing. Someone needs to eat humble pie, and it's not you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    red_jelly wrote:
    Well, for the rest of the evening I got the silent treatment, she wouldn't talk to me or even look at me.
    She sounds rather immature or maybe just bloody annoying.

    I don't know how anyone could say that and it not to be in jest. I can see why she was pissed off at you going on and on about it though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    red_jelly wrote:
    Of course the more I think about everything that happened the more I start blaming myself, so I thought I would get some other points of view. Was I overreacting with the comment? Should I have just laughed it off? Was it really such a terrible thing for me to ask her 3 times whether she was joking? Also am I wrong to feel a miffed that I was the one who ended up be punished for the whole thing and made to feel like everything was my fault?

    Thanks.


    I think in many ways you are to blame .. she said if someone cheated on her she'd do X, Y and Z

    Well if you have no plans at all to cheat on her then it shouldn't matter what she said - so what was the big deal?? .. sounds like you made a big deal out of nothing .. Unless that is in the back of your mind you do feel that you may cheat on her at some point :chin:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think in many ways you are to blame .. she said if someone cheated on her she'd do X, Y and Z

    Well if you have no plans at all to cheat on her then it shouldn't matter what she said - so what was the big deal?? .. sounds like you made a big deal out of nothing .. Unless that is in the back of your mind you do feel that you may cheat on her at some point :chin:

    believe me, I have no plans on cheating on her, it's something I've never done and never will, i've had it done to me enough to know how much it hurts.

    Although I think the comment was not nice, it's the whole attitude of someone who thinks like that that worries me, what else does she see violence the answer to? If I take something of her without asking is she going to chop of my hands?

    Whether I overreacted or not, what she said to me left me feeling quite scared of her. I don't think you should have to feel like that about your girlfriend/boyfriend.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kentish wrote:
    I don't know how anyone could say that and it not to be in jest. I can see why she was pissed off at you going on and on about it though.

    I know, I think that was half her problem that I kept on, but I was really shocked, the comment was quite out of the blue (we were talking about relationships, but she suddenly turned it onto cheating and then came out with that comment). I also thought it wasn't in her nature to be like that. I didn't even think it would be somehting she would joke about or even mention so I was just so shocked to hear it I suppose I wanted to make sure it was a joke.

    I thought I knew she wouldn't say things like that, when she did I thought "maybe I don't know what she's really like" which is why I asked 3 times. Looking back I would have just asked the once though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    iamcrispy wrote:
    Why did you even apologise? What do you have to apologise for?

    She said something that actually isn't on. Even if someone cheated on you, you don't mutilate them in retaliation. She's obviously saying it was 'a joke' because you backed her into a corner, and she realised what she said was wrong, and the only way to get out of that without admitting it is to say it was a joke.

    She's acting like a child, and probably the best way to deal with it is to call her up on it. Tell her that it's childish what she's doing. Someone needs to eat humble pie, and it's not you.

    I apologised because she was upset and angry and I was to blame. I had asked her three times whether she was joking and she took that to mean I didn't believe her. I apologised for that, not really because I thought I had done much wrong, just that my reaction obviously wasn't nice for her. I think it's a bit of a shame that she didn't really care that she had upset me though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if that was me and you kept going on about it, id be thinking "shit, why is he so bothered, maybe hes cheating?"
    I would seriously doubt she would actually plan on chopping someones penis off, and she almost certainly said it as a kind of warped joke. Ive heard loads of people say similar. Im sure i told my ex once that id kill him if he ever cheated on me, but when it comes down to it, I didnt kill him, or even touch him - its purely something to say to stress how badly you`d take it.
    I think you completely overreacted and should say sorry.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if that was me and you kept going on about it, id be thinking "shit, why is he so bothered, maybe hes cheating?"

    i was just gonna bring that point up. maybe you kept going on about it, and she thought you had cheated on her, which is why you had the silent treatment
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    O_o wrote:
    i was just gonna bring that point up. maybe you kept going on about it, and she thought you had cheated on her, which is why you had the silent treatment

    I really hope not, but I don't think so anyway.

    When I say I kept going on about it, it realy was just asking her 3 times if she really was joking, one after the other. It's not like I was going on for hours about it.

    Maybe that is what she's thinking, but I know if I try and explian myself again or try and bring it up i'm just going to get it in the neck. I don't think I can face spending tonight being ignored again.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She wouldn't literally do it, but I agree with the sentiment. The wife says she'd beat me if I cheated, which illustrates how strongly she feels.

    She is right to feel strongly about someone who cheated.

    And I wouldn't bge surprised if you made her feel really paranoid by going on about it. And even if you didn't, to go on about it shows a really stupid mentality.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeh i don't think she'd actually do it. she's just saying that's how strongly she'd feel about it if someone did cheat on her. you can't blame her, surely?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can imagine myself saying that I'd chop off my boyfriends penis if he cheated on me, completely seriously. But of course I would never do it, nor would I resort to any other violence - it is just something that you might say to show how strongly you feel about the subject. I don't think that her saying this has revealed some kind of violent, warped aspect of her personality, and I do think you were overreacting by being shocked about it and asking her about it.

    I've certainly heard women say this kind of thing quite often, and a lot of the time it is only half-joking, but nonetheless they would never actually *do* it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kermit wrote:

    She is right to feel strongly about someone who cheated.

    I agree, but I just thought that wasn't a very nice thing to say. Personally I would have just said I would leave them, I don't think there is any need for the comment she made. But she made it and said she wasn't serious, which I accepted and apologised for thinking she was serious and asking her again. But isn't it worrying that she didn't even seem to care that the comment upset me?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No offense... but her answer was very extreme. If you cheated on her, I don't actually think she would literally chop your penis off. Because her answer was so extreme, it is highly likely that she was joking. The way she feels about the topic, as to how serious she thinks is it, is likely not to be a joke. Understand? She reacted immediately in a violent and extreme manner, joking about what she would do, only because if she was cheated on she would feel very upset and angry.

    I don't think it makes her any less of a nice person.

    Not to sound harsh, but I do feel that you were over reacting. Her statement wasn't made as fact and it wasn't made to make you feel threatened.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    IWishIWas wrote:
    Not to sound harsh, but I do feel that you were over reacting. Her statement wasn't made as fact and it wasn't made to make you feel threatened.

    Yeah, I think you're right, but was it really so terrible of me to overreact?
    In hindsight I wish I had just not said anything at all, but I couldn't help being shocked.

    The more I think about it and read your responses the more I see that what she said was ok and I was wrong to overreact, but I still think the way she treated me after was quite harsh and I don't think I deserved that. Also, I think she could have been just a little bit more understanding. Fair enough, what she said wasn't wrong and she shouldn't have to justify that, but it does seem like she doesn't even care that it upset me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She was exaggerating to make her point clear - she doesn't want to be cheated on.

    Do you really think she would come after you with a knife if you cheated on her? If so, what the hell are you doing with her? RUN AWAY FROM THE PSYCHO. If not, except it was hyperbole and leave it alone. I've often told my fiance that I would kick his arse if he cheated on me but I wouldn't use violence against him, as he well knows.

    You should read a book called "Why men don't listen and women can't read maps" by Allan and Barbara Pearse. Not only is it very funny but it explains the differences between men and women and how they think. She won't have thought that telling you she would castrate a cheating partner was anything other than making her point clear.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i do think it is a horrible thing to say in all honesty , but it is quite a common joke since the Bobbitt case. Im surprised that youve never ever heard anyone joke about it before.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think you're over-reacting a little! I have come out with similar remarks to people, but ive never meant them, even though it sounds like im being serious, and its never upset anyone, ccos even though i say it all serious, they know its not actually something i would do!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't cheat, and you can keep your nodge.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you over-reacted. A lot of people say stuff like this as an exaggeration to express how unhappy they would be if it happened. She was just making you see that cheating on her would not be acceptable. I would almost certainly say something similar if asked, even though I wouldn't do anything of the sort if it came down to it.
    Now you have upset her, possibly because your over-reaction to her response probably makes you seem like you have less of a problem with cheating than she does, which makes you more likely to cheat. I would be worried if I were her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    red_jelly wrote:
    Yeah, I think you're right, but was it really so terrible of me to overreact?
    In hindsight I wish I had just not said anything at all, but I couldn't help being shocked.

    The more I think about it and read your responses the more I see that what she said was ok and I was wrong to overreact, but I still think the way she treated me after was quite harsh and I don't think I deserved that. Also, I think she could have been just a little bit more understanding. Fair enough, what she said wasn't wrong and she shouldn't have to justify that, but it does seem like she doesn't even care that it upset me.

    I did think you over reacted... but I wouldn't necessarily say it was -wrong- just not needed.

    Perhaps it is the way you went about the question... In my experience, when a guy/girl asks his/her girlfriend/boyfriend what they think about cheating, it's sometimes because they have cheated themselves, and they want to know what their partner's reaction would be. Perhaps this went through her head. I can't say.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    IWishIWas wrote:
    I did think you over reacted... but I wouldn't necessarily say it was -wrong- just not needed.

    Perhaps it is the way you went about the question... In my experience, when a guy/girl asks his/her girlfriend/boyfriend what they think about cheating, it's sometimes because they have cheated themselves, and they want to know what their partner's reaction would be. Perhaps this went through her head. I can't say.

    No, I didn't ask her about cheating, she was the one who brought it up, I was just talking about relationships in general. That was one of the reasons I was so shocked, she just came out with the comment from nowhere.
    She knows my views on cheating, she knows it's happened to me before and how devestated I was after. She has told me she knows she has nothing to worry about, and thatI would never cheat.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmmm... Then perhaps the roles are reversed?
    If she reacted so violently to her own question.... Hmm, I'm a bit of a cynic but... sounds like maybe she was trying to show how strongly she is against cheating to prove that she wouldn't? Or hasn't?
    Just a thought...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know what the point of this thread is.

    It all seems so redundant. Stop being a woman. :|
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Pretty much that too.

    It was immature for her to say. Immature for you to make such a big deal.

    It actually is such a petty thing to care about. Kiss and make up, I say.



    PS. You never really know anyone as well as you think you do.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    IWishIWas wrote:
    Hmmm... Then perhaps the roles are reversed?
    If she reacted so violently to her own question.... Hmm, I'm a bit of a cynic but... sounds like maybe she was trying to show how strongly she is against cheating to prove that she wouldn't? Or hasn't?
    Just a thought...

    Maybe. But in terms of making our points clear regarding cheating, I thought we had before. We have both been messed around and have both said before that if the other cheated we would have to end the relationship. I thought that was clear enough.

    Anyway, I saw her last night and she apologised for the way she treated me (going quiet) and she didn't mean to upset me with her comment. I apologised for overreacting and re-assured her it had nothing to do with the fact I had, or had any intention to cheat. Hopefully now that means we can move on :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Excellent. Glad to hear it.

    I don't know how long you guys have been going out, but you might come across things like this semi-often in your relationship. Don't let silly things like this matter so much.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    1983 wrote:
    I don't know what the point of this thread is.

    It all seems so redundant. Stop being a woman. :|
    red_jelly wrote:
    Was I overreacting with the comment? Should I have just laughed it off? Was it really such a terrible thing for me to ask her 3 times whether she was joking? Also am I wrong to feel a miffed that I was the one who ended up be punished for the whole thing and made to feel like everything was my fault?

    I wanted some other opinions other than mine and my girlfriends, which I got. That was the point to this thread.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    IWishIWas wrote:
    Excellent. Glad to hear it.

    I don't know how long you guys have been going out, but you might come across things like this semi-often in your relationship. Don't let silly things like this matter so much.

    Less than a year. To be honest, stuff like this has happened before, but this was the first time she had just blanked me afterwards and refused to talk about it. I just felt really frustrated and needed to talk to someone. I don't have any really close friends I could have talked to about it so I came on here. Plus you guys give brutally honest answers which always helps :thumb:
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