would you want to know...

Former Member · December 2005

okay... here's the question
if your girlfriend / boyfriend had been abused in the past; would you honestly want to know about it?
or would you prefer not to know at all?

Former Member · December 2005

it would depend if they wanted to tell me or whether it was something that still haunted them enough for them to need to tell me.

Former Member · December 2005

If it were an issue for them then I'd like to know, and for them to bring it up specifically; otherwise, only if it came up in the course of conversation would I expect them to tell me.

What I mean by "issue" is if it's something that defines who they are or something they're struggling with etc.

Former Member · December 2005

I wouldn't expect them to tell me incase he/she didn't feel comfortable to talk about it. It would be entirely up to them. If I was in a long-term relationship, I would like them to tell me eventually. But again, I wouldn't hold it against them, if they chose not to.

Former Member · December 2005

yes i would want to know, but id also understand if they didnt want to tell me, although id be a bit worried if it wasa long term relationship and they still felt they couldnt tell me about it but id try and understand.

Former Member · December 2005

I would feel flattered if my boyfriend felt we had a future together and trusted me enough to tell me if he was abused. It's really up to the the person involved. In cases like those you may be surprised, the recipient may have a secret of their own that they love to get off their chest.

I know it isn't the same but when my boyfriend told me he was adopted he was really nervous, as if I'd feel he was different, :rolleyes: but when I told him my best friend is adopted too, he seemed relieved.

Former Member · December 2005

Personally I would want to know, but if they don't want to tell me then I would understand, but I would hope that they would trust me enough to be able to talk to me about anything. Especially in a long term relationship.

Former Member · December 2005

i would be really flattered (cant think of the right word) that they would be able to tell me

Former Member · December 2005

Hmm... a tough one. I'd like to know, I'd like to be in the position where I could be 100% truthful to that special person, and them to me.

However, we all have things in our past that we'd rather never happened. If they've managed to put it behind them, and are happy with their life, then I guess it makes no odds. But if they chose to share it with you, then you should feel a degree of honour - it'd take a lot for them to talk it over with you.

My thoughts, anyway

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Former Member · December 2005

Yes I'd want to know (and therefore I'd like to think they could tell me), but if it was still affecting them I'd have to think long and hard about the relationship.

Former Member · December 2005

Kentish wrote:

Yes I'd want to know (and therefore I'd like to think they could tell me), but if it was still affecting them I'd have to think long and hard about the relationship.

Yep. It would ensure, when/if the relationships ends, i would approach it a lot more gingerly than i might otherwise...and i wouldn't want to lead her down a path of thinking we're going to live happily ever after when that ain't happening.

Former Member · December 2005

But at what point do these things stop affecting you?

Our past is what makes us who we are. Even subconciously, the things that have happened to us are the things that help us decide on our morals, our opinions, our life, and out attitude toward others. As such, it affects us for our whole life.

Even once you've come to terms with what has happened in the past; even when it cannot happen to you again, and when you've put it firmly in the past, there will always be moments when you go back and have another look. You'll still have your bad days, and bad memories.

Is that enough to put you off caring for someone, and being in a relationship with them? I couldn't say... it depends on the severity of the issue. I'd certainly not end a relationship purely because someone was abused in the past - though their past can have a bearing on their present-day life, and that is something you could only judge on a case-by-case basis.

I should point out that this post wasn't directed at you, Kentish - I just wanted to put my thoughts across on something you said in your post

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Former Member · December 2005

I don't know.

I've been in the situation where the shoe was on the other foot (i.e. it was my "secret" to tell) and I wasn't forthright about it, not immediately anyway. So I could understand if they didn't tell me, especially not at first. But I'd rather know about it, and I'd hope they'd trust me enough to confide in me about it.

I think it's one of the more difficult "hypotheticals", as you probably couldn't ever guage your reaction until you were in the situation.

Former Member · December 2005

Click to see more wrote:

Is that enough to put you off caring for someone, and being in a relationship with them? I couldn't say... it depends on the severity of the issue. I'd certainly not end a relationship purely because someone was abused in the past - though their past can have a bearing on their present-day life, and that is something you could only judge on a case-by-case basis.

I should point out that this post wasn't directed at you, Kentish - I just wanted to put my thoughts across on something you said in your post .

People react to events in their past in different ways. If someone had been abused (presumably by a family member) it would inevitably affect the relationship and the issue of trust and intimacy would be delicate. I can't say I'd break up with someone if they told me they had been abused, but having seen the effect it can have on people, I'd be pragmatic about the future.

littlemissy · December 2005

Kentish wrote:

Yes I'd want to know (and therefore I'd like to think they could tell me), but if it was still affecting them I'd have to think long and hard about the relationship.

Yes, I agree with this.

It is such a sensitive subject that if I was serious with someone I think it would be an important barrier to overcome.

Former Member · December 2005

i agree with the other, yes i'd like to know and i'd feel honoured that they trust and love enough to share it with me. i might not beable to help them in any way other than listerning and being supportive but i'd do what i could.

Former Member · December 2005

Totally agree. My beautiful boyfriend was in an abusive relationship for 5 years, and he trusted me to tell me about it very early on in our relationship. He told me everything that went on and the way his ex had treated him - the things she had done to him - a lot of it is extremely horrid and he's still not over it now. Therapy and talking has helped.

I feel honoured he felt he could trust me and now I feel that I want to help him get over what happened and protect him, and show him how much I love him and that he no longer needs to feel afraid.

Former Member · December 2005

I wouldn't expect to be told until the other person was ready, but I would be upset if it was a long-term thing and they weren't ready to do it.

Former Member · December 2005

My girlfriend told me about her abuse having never told anyone except some members of her family. It completely changed our relationship, she regretted having told me, and it led to us splitting up. She must have wanted to tell me but then having done so I believe she felt too exposed, vulnerable, or something like that. I still wish I could have had the chance to show her my support and care, but she's decided to cut herself off from me completely. As others have suggested, I felt honoured that she trusted me enough to tell me having kept it a secret from her friends, previous boyfriends etc and I'm sorry that it led to it ending in the way it did.

To the original poster (or anyone else for that matter): if you asked because you're hurt that your partner has only just told you something having kept quiet about it for a long time, or has hinted at something and you're put out because you feel they're not being completely open with you.... have patience, don't force the other person into speaking or doing anything they don't want to, just show your support. There is lots of support available to you as a partner (get googling or pm me). Don't think that you should get rid of them just because they've got 'baggage'; don't think you're obliged to stay and be their 'saviour' just because they told you and nobody else.

Definitely don't hold it against the person if they're not ready to talk about some things, even if you've been together for ages and ages and thought you could say anything to each other. Don't take it personally, you shouldn't feel offended that they don't want to tell you about it, they have to feel ready in themselves to talk and it's almost certainly not to do with their opinion of you, it doesn't have to mean you don't/can't have an honest loving relationship.

Former Member · December 2005

if the abused is shy maybe letting it out to their partner will help build confidence/trust in the relationship. and maybe it will help you understand certain behviours that they do.

would you want to know...

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