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Controlling Jealousy
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I basically have a very good relationship with my boyfriend. I love him very much, he loves me very much and even though we only get to see each other at weekends I'm very happy.
But I have this really jealous streak and it's driving me mad. See, although I know that my boyfriend would never cheat on me, I'd stake my life on that, I don't trust other girls.
When we had a split over the summer I knew he kissed another girl when we were apart and although that made me twitch, it was cool. I knew that we weren't together.
Anyway there is this girl that I shall call T, now I'd never heard of T before we split up and when we got back together suddenly she was one of his close friends. Fair enough.
So one night he comes over to mine and falls straight to sleep at 8pm because he was up all night at T's the night before getting drunk, talking and pissing about. Needless to say I'm a little angry because unless we are out clubbing or have people over, he never stays up with me like that. It's bed at 10/11 and I really love my late nights so I was a bit jealous but other than that it was nothing to fear.
So this weekend I'm at my boyfriend's for a family do when he gets a text from T saying she's having a gathering on Saturday and he has to be there. Or else. He calls her and explains we're going to this family do and can he come after, she said that's fine and then he adds in can he bring me and she gets all funny about it. Finally she agrees on condition I bring a bottle of vodka (which may I add I couldn't afford so there was no way I was going).
Anyway half way through this do I go and ask him if we're going and he's edgy about it and says "Probably not, it wouldn't be fair to turn up with my girlfriend."
I didn't have a clue she fancied him just that they were good friends, he then goes on "And after we nearly got together...." and carries on to tell me about over the summer they almost got together but then we got back together so they didn't. He's plainly denied ever fancying her before and it was a bit of a knock for six. She phoned him and he was all like "darling this.." "Darling that" and "I love you" before he hung up which also caused me to be a bit twitchy. Though he'd had a few drinks so obviously was being a bit friendly. We didn't go in the end because I didn't feel comfortable and told him I had a headache.
Now I'm really paranoid about the whole thing. Like I said I know he'd never cheat but I don't like that he spends time with her and the fact she refers to him as "her bitch". Baring in mind I've never met this girl in my life it makes me slightly uncomfortable.
I don't want to be a bad girlfriend and make a whole issue about it with him, because he can be friends with whoever he wants. But how do I get rid of or stop this jealous streak. This has happened a few times before and by repressing it for fear of pissing him off I think I'm causing myself a neurosis.
Any ideas, thoughts, opinions welcome
But I have this really jealous streak and it's driving me mad. See, although I know that my boyfriend would never cheat on me, I'd stake my life on that, I don't trust other girls.
When we had a split over the summer I knew he kissed another girl when we were apart and although that made me twitch, it was cool. I knew that we weren't together.
Anyway there is this girl that I shall call T, now I'd never heard of T before we split up and when we got back together suddenly she was one of his close friends. Fair enough.
So one night he comes over to mine and falls straight to sleep at 8pm because he was up all night at T's the night before getting drunk, talking and pissing about. Needless to say I'm a little angry because unless we are out clubbing or have people over, he never stays up with me like that. It's bed at 10/11 and I really love my late nights so I was a bit jealous but other than that it was nothing to fear.
So this weekend I'm at my boyfriend's for a family do when he gets a text from T saying she's having a gathering on Saturday and he has to be there. Or else. He calls her and explains we're going to this family do and can he come after, she said that's fine and then he adds in can he bring me and she gets all funny about it. Finally she agrees on condition I bring a bottle of vodka (which may I add I couldn't afford so there was no way I was going).
Anyway half way through this do I go and ask him if we're going and he's edgy about it and says "Probably not, it wouldn't be fair to turn up with my girlfriend."
I didn't have a clue she fancied him just that they were good friends, he then goes on "And after we nearly got together...." and carries on to tell me about over the summer they almost got together but then we got back together so they didn't. He's plainly denied ever fancying her before and it was a bit of a knock for six. She phoned him and he was all like "darling this.." "Darling that" and "I love you" before he hung up which also caused me to be a bit twitchy. Though he'd had a few drinks so obviously was being a bit friendly. We didn't go in the end because I didn't feel comfortable and told him I had a headache.
Now I'm really paranoid about the whole thing. Like I said I know he'd never cheat but I don't like that he spends time with her and the fact she refers to him as "her bitch". Baring in mind I've never met this girl in my life it makes me slightly uncomfortable.
I don't want to be a bad girlfriend and make a whole issue about it with him, because he can be friends with whoever he wants. But how do I get rid of or stop this jealous streak. This has happened a few times before and by repressing it for fear of pissing him off I think I'm causing myself a neurosis.
Any ideas, thoughts, opinions welcome
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Comments
Sounds to me like he's thinking of excuses to not take you, because he wants to spend the time alone with her!
After the above comments, you think your being paranoid?! Thats not , its actually happening in front of you! If you think your being paranoid then maybe your boyfriend is taking you for a mug
And so it should make you uncomfortable! YOUR boyfriend is telling ANOTHER girl that you have never met before, that he almost got together with, that he loves her, while she calls YOUR boyfriend her bitch!
Yeh but this is a little more than being friends with whoever he likes, are you happy with him telling other girls he loves them over the phone in front of you?!
You cant get rid of a jelous streak when it is being fed by the things he does. You shouldnt be worried about pissing him off it should be the other way round!
In my opinion you should stop letting him walk all over you.
Ask him how he would react if you were spending the night at a mans house who he has never met before, who you almost got together with, and who you call darling over the phone and say you love! Somehow i dont think he would like it.
It sounds like this lad is giving you the run-around. Not mentioing her before and now spending all his time at hers, being funny with you and not taking you to events where there will be other girls (he doesn't have the "lads night out" reason, which is the only one good enough to stop you going). As well as all the apparent flirting.
He is taking the piss out of you. Don't stand for it.
Don't say "I ban you from seeing her", and don't act paranoid or jealous, but make it quite clear either he spends more time with you, and that he takes you to events, or he can get knotted. He is taking the mickey here, and it is he who is in the wrong, not you for being jealous at him spending all his time with another girl and not letting you meet her.
And in any case, he should be saying "if my girl can't come, I'm not coming either", not pussyfooting around. A bloke who cares about his lass puts his lass first, not some silly bimbo. The only exception, and I mean only exception, is if it is a lads night out. But this isn't, as bimbo will be there.
youve got every right to be jealous here.
Me and my guy split up at the beginning of the summer after 4years. Didnt speak for few months then when we did both really missed eachother, problem was he'd suddenly just like that found someone who happened to work at work with him and had been seeing eachother from almost the min we split up. So after lots of talks and all he eventually splits with her to give us another chance as both care bout eachother still loads.
Problem is im away at uni during the week so only see him at weekends, he can see her when ever he wants at work and has even suddenly taken to going to pub with her and her mates, something weve never done.
We werent properly together for my 21st but he went and spent the day with HER! aparently because hed said hed go and talk and couldnt the night before cus had gone out town with me.
As with you, ive no problems him staying friends with her but i really dont trust her one bit. I know he would never do anything but as shed already proven to me she wants him back, he just aint seeing it. (shed invited him around to talk and it was so obvious to all but him that she was gonna try and get him back, didnt work though)
All i can do just now is to grin and bare it. i dont know if were doing christmas this year, usually spend loads on eachother and see eachother on xmas day, dont know about new year either. All i know is that i care about him more than ive let on yet still, just dont wanna get hurt again, and im not going to give up yet.
Just stick with him and show him why he got with you in the first place. Hes with you not her. With the holidays coming up you can get together and have a really good time together.
It might make the situation a bit clearer if you were to go out with your boyfriend and this girl in a group of friends, that way you could observe how they behave around each other and then you would have more examples to explain to him what you mean. Might also help her get the message that he is YOUR boyfriend, not hers.
Everytime I try to bring the subject up I hear the words coming out of my mouth and I just sound like a clingy, psycho.
As for making it clear that he's my boyfriend I thought about doing that, but I've been in her position before where I fancied a guy but he has a girlfriend and she's smushed it in my face. I don't like the girl (despite not meeting her) but I don't want to be spiteful.
Hmmm
But his behaviour is upsetting you. You need to tell him that. Make it quite clear that you don't want to ban him from seeing friends, but tell him in no uncertain terms that you feel slighted that you are being deliberately banned from going to things, and he isn't sticking up for you.
Don't be accusative, and that avoids the clingyness. But you do need to tell him that her behaviour is upsetting you, and that you don't think he's defending you in the way he should be.
Any man worth his salt would not manufacture it so his girlfriend cannot go to a party.