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He cheated on her, should I tell her?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
hey

Right, my best mate has just had a baby with her boyfriend about 9 months ago and i found out last week then when she was in hospital with the baby (the baby had medical problems) that her boyfriend was shagging one of his mates.

Me and my best mate HATE this girl because she tried comeing on to my boyfriend once and went around saying she could have my best mates man anytime she wanted to. Also this girl is a massive slut and has slept with nearly every bloke in our group of friends apart from my boyfriend.

I only found out because my boyfriend got drunk and told me, hes known since it happned and he said he didnt tell me before because he knew i would tell my mate and be a family wrecker.

I really don't know what to do as everyone in our group of mates knows apart from my best mate and i feel so sorry for her that all the others have known for so long and havent said anything.

Also, my mate was the one who told me when this same girl came on to my boyfriend, again the whole group knew apart from me and she was swore to seceretly but stuck her neck out on the line becuase she though i had a right to know and im gratefull to her for that and i don't know wheter i should do the same thing here?

In a way i understand why the others havent told her where they have just had a baby and i would hate to break their family up but i feel so guilty not saying anything but i know if i did the consquences would be huge.
Also my boyfriend has said it would cause massive problems between me and him if i said anything because he told me that in confidence.

I can either tell her and have everyone hate me for it and break up their family or keep quiet and sit back and watch my best mate been taking for a ride!?!?!!?

Oh yeah also i forgot to say that if all of this comes out and she finds out that i knew all along then she will go fucking ape and feel betrayed that i didnt tell her espically as she told me about this girl when she come on to my boyfriend. I don't want to loose her a best mate.
~XXX~
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fuck that, I'd tell her.

    He should have been there, not shagging some trollop on the side.

    Tell her. She has a right to know this wee bundle of joy has a crapbag for a Dad. She needs to get shot of him.

    I know her hormones will be all over the joint, and she's JUST had the baby, but she has every right to know.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would definetly tell her. She told you, so it is only fair. She might be upset that you waited to tell her, but not nearly as mad if you don't tell her at all and she finds out. Best of luck. If it was me i would want to know
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would normally say keep out of it if she wasn't such a close friend or there was no chance of her finding out. But everyone knows and it's just a matter of time. She did the same thing for you. You have to tell her. Or confront her boyfriend and make him tell her or you will. Let ur fella know ur plans first tho.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Threaten her boyfriend that if he doesnt tell her you will. It will sound oh so much better coming from him, and then she doesnt even have to know you know! Because if she did know you knew, like you say, and realised you didnt tell her straight away, she would go mad!

    I'd also be tempted to smack the girl who shagged her boyfriend. But you might get in trouble so perhaps not :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Never tell, cause chances are theyl get back or stay together and then they would probably both stop being friends with you.

    A similer thing happened when I didnt tell a couple I was good friends with both the guy cheeted I knew, and didnt tell she found out, big rows he moved out then she phoned me in tears saying why didnt you tell me, I side stepped the question and offered sympathy.

    A week later there back together, If I had told her they would have got back together, he would have said I dont want to see that bastard and she would have gone along, and I wouldnt have been friends with either.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm going to against the grain here, but I'd really really tread carefully when it comes to informing a person about that, especially in her circumstances.

    The chances are, she may be pretty angry with you. Irrationality does a lot of things, especially when it comes to shooting the messenger. Are you doing this because it's in her best interests, or because you want to get back at her partner? Either way, some people get more angry with the people who were concerned about them, rather than aiming it towards the guilty party.

    Not only that, but there would be the consequences in your own relationship, as your partner told you in confidence.

    All I'm saying is just think really carefully, because she might not thank you for it, neither will your own boyfriend. If you want to do it, then do it 100% for her, and not because you want to clear your own conscience.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hiya

    I know if i tell her that she might kick him out for a bit but in the end they will get back together where she has the baby and they have a flat together and he has just got a new job and has stared bringing the money in.

    She wouldnt be able to cope without him finacally and i know she loves him so much and even thought what he done was terriable she would proberly stay with him for the babys sake so she has her dad around.

    Thats gunna make thing really aquward for me cus i wont be able to go and see her any more because her bf will be there and hes gunna hate me for letting his dirty little serect out.

    Im guna have a chat with my boyfriend and see if i can get him 2 confront the boyfriend (because he dosent know that i know) and i'll see if i can get my bf to make him admit what he has done to my mate, if my boyfriend won't agree to help me then i reckon i'll have a word with her boyfriend even thought that i going to be really hard as i will never have the chance to be on my own with him.

    thanks for your suggestions, i'll have a chat with my boyfriend, but i really don't want to be a family wrecker :(
    ~XXX~
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think id tell her tbh. She did the same for you and id hate to think my best friend would keep that from me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think id tell her tbh. She did the same for you and id hate to think my best friend would keep that from me.

    One thing to be considered is how does her boyfriend feel? I kissed another girl when I was going out with my girlfriend, and it tore me up, and along with the guilt there is incredible fear - unless he really doesnt care hell be scared of losing the girl and their baby, so will in his mind think if he can forget about it, everything might be ok. But then, hes still lying to her, and they need to be honest with each other, hes going to need to tell her one day. And since you and your boyfriend know, its not going to stay quiet forever anyway. If you tell him hes got to tell her, you back him into a corner and hell have to face up to the fact that shes going to find out, and its going to be best coming from him.

    One word of caution though: if this guy can be a bit violent or abusive, Id have your boyfriend do it because when hes backed in a corner instead of accepting she will find out, he might think he can intimidate you both into not telling. Most guys wont be like this, but there are nutters out there. HOWEVER if he is one of those violent nutters he shouldnt be around a baby anyway.

    Thats what i think anyway.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    One thing to be considered is how does her boyfriend feel?

    Like shit, I hope.

    My opinion is that he's a cunt.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think go away is right, but all things considered I would tell her.

    If you are best friends, and you obviously aren't saying it just to snatch her blokey away, then I feel you should do. She may well decide to stay, but she needs to know. She also needs to know that her bloke could be carrying anything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know her bloke don't feel guilty about it, your right he is a cunt.
    He was bragging about it to the blokes in our group which i think is proper cuntish of him and he deserves to be taken down a peg or two :mad:

    He has got a little bit of history of violence, he's hit her before but noting major just a slap when he's pissed which i know is no excuse and he shouldn't be near the baby because when he's pissed off about something he smashes up the flat and last time they had a huge argument he smashed the babys bath to peices.

    I'm gunna beg my boyfriend to have a word with him cus this guy respects my boyfriend and won't start and shit with him and even if he did he wouldnt stand a chance, i think he deserves a punch in the head.
    ~XXX~
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Is that tough dilemma or what???

    My insticts would be to tell her. She'll prob b angry and mad at u but if she was any sort of friend she will forgive you and see you were looking out for her best interest's!!!!!

    I would want someone to tell me instead of living a lie with my boyfriend!

    Goodluck x :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wouldn't say a goddamn thing.

    Yes, telling her is the right thing to do, yes she deserves to know and all that crap. Everyone seems to be forgetting a little piece of the triangle.

    Baby doesn't deserve the shit it'll cause.

    If it means anything (the shagging around) it'll all soon become clear. If it doesn't, then it's best left in the past anyway.

    Even if it might cost you the friendship, the little one in the triangle deserves the right to have a chance at a few stable years.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hhmm i'd be unsure but i think it's best to tell her, she has a right to know
    and even though it IS his kid....does the baby deserve to have a dad like him either?
    he's hit her before, was shagging some tart when he should have been at the birth of his own kid. To be honest it sounds as if he has little respect for her. I think she's better off without him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Your boyfriend told you and he shouldnt say that it would cause problems between the 2 of u if you tell your best friend what had happened.

    At the end of the day your friend deserves to know, it is upto her what she does from there noone can tell her to chuck him or keep him. The longer it is before she finds out the worse its gonna be for her cause she will wanna know why she wasnt told before and she will feel betrayed.

    Surely your boyfriend should understand, wouldnt he wanna know if it was him???

    (Not that Im implying you'd do that by the way if thats how it sounds :blush: )
  • SkiveSkive Posts: 15,282 Skive's The Limit
    Keep your gob shut I reckon.
    Weekender Offender 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if the situation was turned round then would YOU want to be told? i definatly would. it would be different if the bloke had regrets and was sorry, then you could probably let it slide. do you not think your mate deserves to know what a cunt her bf is?

    it seems like the guy isnt at all bothered if his girlfriend finds out, since he's telling loads of people that she knows.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If it was me, i would want to know. If i found out later that everyone knew, including my best friends i would be gutted and feel betrayed that no one told me, and worry that people were 'having a laugh' about me behind my back.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i would never trust a friend again, if they knew and i didnt.
    your bf has put you in a very awkward position, but if he dumps you for doing the right thing by your friend, then that says something about him tbh.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i would never trust a friend again, if they knew and i didnt.
    your bf has put you in a very awkward position, but if he dumps you for doing the right thing by your friend, then that says something about him tbh.
    :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ahhhhhh this is getting harder and harder everyday :(
    I have had a word with my bf and asked him to have a word with the cunt boyfriend but he refuses and says that we should stay out of it full stop.
    I said i would have a word with the boyfriend but he has forbid be to do that as it will also get him in shit cus he wan't suppost to tell me.

    I know everyone will hate me if i open my gob but i can't stand back and listen to everyone talk about it behind her back, i'm really worried about loosing my friend though because to be honest i know she will take him back and then it will be proper aquward becuase me and her boyfriend don't get on anyway as it is let alone if i break his relationship up and then they will all say "god couldn't of thought of the baby etc etc"

    I don't want to make things worse for the baby or my mate.
    I told my botfriend that i was seceriously thinking of telling my best mate and he said it would cause HUGE problems between us if i did cus he told me in confidence and he wouldnt be able to trust me to tell me anything again, he says the best thing we can do is keep well out of it??
    ~XXX~
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    so his relationship with his mate is more important than your relationship with yours?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    so his relationship with his mate is more important than your relationship with yours?

    My boyfriend dosen't even really like this guy he just dosent want to been seen as a "grass" you know?
    I'll prob see my mate this weekend but everyone else will be there so i cant say anything to her but i might arange to meet her in town next week when my boyfriend is at work and break it to her gently, i know my boyfriend will NOT be happy with me and nither will any of the others who know but she is more important to me than any of them.

    I know my bf is going to go ape though, i'm gunna have to tell him that im gunna tell her otherwise he will go even more ape if i just go right ahead and do it :(
    Wish me luck. i'll post on here what happened nest week after iv done it if i can pluck the courage up :(
    ~XXX~
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    youre doing the right thing.
    Good luck :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Defo tell her! Id rather i was told. And i know would be the same for my friends!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i wid defo tell i love my mates to bits i would want to no if my boyfriend was shaggin otha girls and she has a right to no if her boyfirend is cheating on her
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Getting your B/f on sided (thinking a little outside the box)

    I don't really know how you'd manufacture this but (and bear with me)... :chin:

    I can't be bothered to go back through all the posts but I think you said that 'everyone' knew. Is it not possible for you to tell your friend but without letting on that it was your boyfriend that told you. If 'everyone' does know then it is possible that you could have heard it or even 'over heard' it from someone else. Would your b/f be happier with that.

    If you had overheard something then confronted your b/f and he filled in the gaps under pressure then that may be enough to satisfy his mis-placed 'grassing' worries. Maybe run that by him with a load of 'well you'd want to know wouldn't you' kind of stuff. Bring him upto speed on acceptable practices in relationship politics :p

    Not entirely honest but you're in a shit situation so I recon you could cut yourself some slack.

    Best of luck
    :eek2:

    E.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Deep down I feel its right you should tell her,especially as she's stuck her neck out for you in the past. However,the fact they now have a child together makes the situation more difficult.Can you handle having split a family up?If I was you,I'd get her boyfriend on her own and tell him you've "got his number" and know what he's been up to and that you've got your eye on him. Chances are it may not happen again anyway.When a boy's girlfriend is having a baby,it can be a difficult time emotionally and sexually.Unfortunately,I've heard its not uncommon for boys to "wander" when there partners are having a baby :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jemzbabez wrote:
    Deep down I feel its right you should tell her,especially as she's stuck her neck out for you in the past. However,the fact they now have a child together makes the situation more difficult.Can you handle having split a family up?If I was you,I'd get her boyfriend on her own and tell him you've "got his number" and know what he's been up to and that you've got your eye on him. Chances are it may not happen again anyway.When a boy's girlfriend is having a baby,it can be a difficult time emotionally and sexually.Unfortunately,I've heard its not uncommon for boys to "wander" when there partners are having a baby :(
    That is the biggest crock of shit ive ever heard.
    It wouldnt be HER that split the family up, it was HIM that cheated. The messenger is NOT at fault.
    I cant believe youre justifying "poor men who have an emotional time when their partner gives birth to their baby" That does NOT make it any more acceptable or excusable.
    I think them having a child together makes no difference to whether she should know or not. If hes fucked her over once he will do it again, and this relationship isnt going to last anyway.
    She deserves to know. you cant argue with that.
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